I realize that he's never said goodbye to Vanessa. He's never had his closure, like I did with Derek and the kids. For me, it just helped me move on from my grief. Yes, I still miss them and if someone told me today I could have them back if I left Cash, I would do it in a heartbeat. But that's never going to happen.
"Talk to me, Liv. What's going through your mind right now?"
"I was wondering if you've ever told Vanessa goodbye, and I was wondering if this is what you're going to do every year on the anniversary of her death, to punish yourself." I look over at him and he's looking at me with a shocked expression on his face.
"How can I say goodbye to her when she's not really there? And no I don't plan on doing this again, thank you very much." He grabs his stomach, which lets me know that he's nauseous.
"I know she's not there, but what helped me move on was going and visiting Derek and the kids, and telling them goodbye and that they would always have a piece of my heart, but that I had to start living my life."
"That might have worked for you Liv, but like I said... I've already moved on. I'm okay, as long as I have you and the kids to love every day."
This makes me realize that even though he thinks he's moved on, he hasn't, because I still remember the look on his face when I saw him at the cemetery. The only thought that I have going through my mind is what the hell have I done?
********************
We are back at the house and Cash and I are in my bed at Claudia's, lying side by side. Even though we had a really nice dinner and went dancing for a little while after, I'm not going to initiate sex tonight and he hasn't either.
The conversation that we had in the car has been weighing on my mind all night. Not to mention him getting plastered and feeling the need to lie about it.
"Liv? Are you asleep?"
"No."
"Are you sure?" Am I sure? Haha. I just answered him, didn't I?
"Yeah, I'm asleep."
"Okay, goodnight sweetheart."
"Cash? Are you still drunk? Because obviously I'm not asleep, since I answered you."
"No, but I need to talk to you. I feel like you're still mad at me, because you've barely talked to me all night and I can't stand this friction between us."
I should have pretended to be asleep. Are relationships always this stressful? Yes. I already know the answer to that from experience.
"I'm not mad at you. I'm just kind of kicking myself right now in thinking that we were ready to be in a relationship, and I've already fallen for you, so I'm just trying to figure out what we should do."
"You're kicking yourself? For what? You haven't messed up like I have, Liv. We love each other, isn't that all that matters? Do I have to do what you asked me to do? Say goodbye to Vanessa? Because I will do it, if that's what you want me to do." I reach over to turn the lamp on and turn around and look at him.
"Cash, you don't do that because I suggested it, you do it because you want to. Nobody told me to or asked me to, it was something I knew in my heart I had to do." I can tell by the look on his face that he understood.
"When did you do it, Liv? What gave you the strength to do it?" If I tell him this, I'll have to tell him that I saw him at the cemetery as I was leaving.
"It was the day after I met you, believe it or not. I was so mad at Claud for suggesting I take your job offer, and we got into a very big fight over my grief and she filled me in on a few things that I didn't know she was feeling about. How she worried about me and was afraid that she would come home one day and I find me dead from killing myself. I owe her so much and if it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't be here."
"So, what made you take the job?" Here we are. The part of the conversation I didn't want to have.
"Honestly? It was you and the kids." He arches his eyebrows at me with a questionable look on his face, so I continue and explain.
"The day that I went to the cemetery, I saw you as I was leaving. You were carrying a dozen white roses and the look on your face broke my heart, because I've seen that same look on my own face, when I had the courage to look into the mirror, and what I saw on your face was nothing but grief." By now he has his head down and is playing with a thread on the pillow, so I continue.
"All I could think about was your babies that needed someone to care for them and I knew it had to be me. As much as I knew it was going to hurt being around them, because I missed my babies so much. The only reason I even brought Vanessa up, was because you say you're not grieving anymore, but what I saw that day was the complete opposite. So am I wrong, Cash?" He looks up at me and his eyes are pooled with tears, but he's nodding his head.
"Yes, you're wrong and I remember that day, because I thought about you all night and it took me forever to fall asleep, but when I woke up, I woke up grinning from ear to ear, thinking about you, but then I started feeling guilty about how I was feeling about another woman and I felt that I had to apologize to Vanessa for how I was feeling. I was lying, when I said she's not there. I actually saw her quite often, but I just didn't want you to think I was crazy." I reach over and hug him tight, because I felt the same exact way every time I would see Derek and the kids.
"Cash, of all people, I would never think you were crazy. I saw Derek and the kids’ lots of times. They never spoke to me, but they always seemed happy. Do I think it was a figment of my imagination? Probably. But I think it's normal to see people that we love that have died. I really can't explain it, sometimes it comforted me and sometimes it had me bawling so hard it made me miss them more."
"That day was different, though. I poured my heart out to her and told her that I had met you, and that I felt like I did when I had met her. I told her that maybe I needed to move on and she smiled at me, waved, and walked away." He leans forward and moves the hair out of my face.
"I didn't know what to think about it and I left even more confused than I was when I got there. I still couldn't get you out of my head, though, so that's why I called to offer you the job again. I left work early Wednesday, because I knew you were coming to meet the kids and I wanted to be there when you got there, but I had to go see her first, because I felt that she was really gone for good and I wanted her to show me a sign about what I should do. I kept yelling at her and she never showed up, so I left." He's running his fingers through my hair now and he's sitting up, while I'm still lying down. I can tell that he's not through, so I give him some time.
"On my way home, Mrs. Williamson called to tell me about you firing her, which pissed me off even more, but after you chewed me out up one side and the other, I felt that was my sign that I had asked Vanessa for, because you talked to me in the same way that she would when she would get mad at me. So, here we are. I swear, today was just me feeling guilty that I was happy and since I had always gotten drunk every year, I just planned it, because I don't feel that I deserve you. You are the most selfless person I have ever met, which makes me love you even more, Liv!"
Maybe it's good that we had this little talk, because he really did say goodbye to Vanessa, he just didn't realize that he had.
"So, can I ask you a question?"
"Ask me anything! No more secrets or lies!"
"Okay. When was the last time you went to visit Vanessa?" He acts as if he knew that was going to be my question.
"I don't know how I knew, but I knew that was what you were going to ask me. It was the Saturday after you flat out told me there could be nothing more between us but a boss and employee relationship. I left this place quite bereft, and knew that I had messed up by what I had said to you. I knew I was moving too fast for you and you were terrified of how you were feeling about me." I lean up and give him a kiss, because I'm past what he said and being scared and I wanted to reassure him of that.
"She seemed to be waiting for me, because as soon as I got out of the car she was there and looked angry, standing there with her hands on her hips, looking at me like she was disgusted. I got closer to her and told her that I knew I messed
up and that I would try to fix it, and she smiled that sweet smile of hers and just walked off."
"Liv, I know we are meant to be together. I'm sorry that you came down with the flu, but I'm glad that you got sick, because it gave me a chance to spend the weekend taking care of you. Spending that time alone was the best thing that could have happened for us."
"I will have to agree with you, even though I felt like I was going to die. But Cash, you did have your goodbye with Vanessa."
"I guess I did, huh? When you brought it up in the car, I really didn't want to talk about it, because I was more worried about you and how ashamed I felt at you finding me in that condition. I'm so sorry. I don't know how many more times I have to say I'm sorry, but I will until you believe me." I pull him down on top of me, slowly kiss him, and put my arms around him.
"I believe you, Cash. Let’s not have any more secrets between us, okay? And no lying! I don't want to have a relationship like the last one I was in. I never want to wonder how you feel about me, because I love you so much it hurts."
"Oh, Baby. No worries there. I know Claudia is in the next room, but I don't mind showing you how I feel right now. What do ya say?"
I'm really tired and we have to get up early in the morning, but he's not playing fair by whispering in my ear and kissing me on the back of my neck, which has me moaning with pleasure.
"So, what did you have in mind exactly?
"Turn the light off and I'll show you, Baby."
I look at him and see all of the want for me in his eyes, which turns me on even more. I lean over and turn the light off and we find each other in the dark with a long, deep, possessive kiss.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I wake up around seven the next morning and Cash is still in a deep sleep. I lean over and give him a kiss on his forehead, go to the bathroom, and then into the kitchen. Claudia is sitting at the kitchen table with her leg propped up on the table, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.
"Good morning. You're up rather early." I guess I am, but I've gotten adjusted to the kids waking me up so early through the week that I've gotten on their schedule.
I reach into the fridge to pull out some eggs and bacon to get breakfast started. Claudia had begged me to fix breakfast last night, because she said she missed me cooking for her and I only had a few days of doing just that, before I went to work for Cash.
"I know. Did you make that appointment I asked you to make?"
"Yes I did. It's for 9 o'clock. Are you sure you want to do this? I know how you feel about it."
"Felt, Claud. I just feel like I need to do it to officially move on. I've been thinking about it all week and I feel it's finally time." I hear Cash walk into the kitchen and he's yawning. I go to fix him and I a cup of coffee.
"Finally time for what, Liv?" I'm wondering how he's going to react to this, because I know how a lot of men like for their women to have long hair.
"I am going to go get my hair cut this morning, it's one of the main reasons I had to go to Claudia's this weekend."
He comes up to me, turns me around, and runs his fingers through my hair. I turn around to see his reaction and I can't tell what he's thinking.
"I love your hair, Liv, but it is your hair. How much are you going to cut?" I'm amazed, because any time I told Derek I was going to cut my hair, he always threw a fit so I would barely trim it. I'm not sure if Cash is going to like my answer or not.
"At least 10 inches, maybe 12." I see him wince.
"A foot? Why so much? I mean, like I said, it is your hair, but why so much. "I look at him and Claudia, and she looks just as shocked as he does, but I feel that if I'm going to do this, something good needs to come of it.
"I'm going to donate it to the Locks of Love foundation and they have to have a minimum of 10 inches, so by the time they trim it up, it'll probably be a foot. It's already down to my butt, so it'll probably just go to the middle of my back. I'll still have long hair, you two!" I turn around to flip the bacon and whip up the eggs and pull some bread out for the toast, when Cash comes up behind me and gives me a hug.
"Wow, Liv! I repeat what I said about you being one of the most selfless people I know. You're always thinking of ways to help others, not ever worrying about yourself."
"This didn't exactly start off as me wanting to help somebody. I happened to have seen a commercial on TV and since I've not cut my hair since before the accident, knowing that Derek and the kids had touched the last few inches of my hair, I just couldn't bear to part with it. I've been treating my hair like a talisman to them, so I've finally made the decision to cut it. The Locks of Love donation is the positive in the situation. I will probably bawl like a baby, which is why Claudia is taking me and you can drive my car to your house and get Eden's presents, and we will meet you to the party."
"I would like to go with you, if you don't mind. Ya know, in case you need a shoulder to cry on? A pep talk? I told you I'm here for you no matter what." I look at Claudia to see what her reaction is.
"Hey, I don't care if he goes or not. Just text me directions to the party and you can go home with him and get the presents, but I have a bet on this with myself and I'm going."
"What do you mean you have a bet on this with yourself?" Is she crazy?
"When you were saying what you were going to do with your hair, I realized how noble of an act it was, so I was sitting here thinking that if you don't cry, then I'll donate 10 inches of my hair and if you do, then I won't." What in the world? How dare she use my emotions like that!
"Babe! You have to make sure that she doesn't win this bet! Whatever you do, don't cry until on the way home or until we get in the car. Please! I'm begging you, don't let her win!" He’s just as crazy as she is at the moment! I honestly expect it from her, but him too? I look at her and she's smirking at him.
"What's wrong, Cash? Does my bet remind you of our old college days? Care to make a wager with me?" She's winking at him and I'm wondering what happened in college.
"Hell no, Claud! I never won a bet with you. I still remember the last bet you conned me into and I thought it was an easy bet." He looks over at me to tell me what the bet was and she’s grinning from ear to ear. "She kept talking about this test that she said she knew she didn't pass, but everyone knew that Claudia got pissed if she made anything under a 98. Well, she bet me to guess what she made on the test, because we were going to find out the next day in class and I told her absolutely not!"
"Oh, Cash! You're such a liar! You know you couldn't ever turn down a bet from me, because your whole goal was to finally win one!" She's laughing her butt off, which had me giggling and him looking at her with a furious look on his face that has me laughing more.
"Because, like I said this one was too easy to pass up! Anyway. Let's ignore the evil woman in the corner for a moment."
Oh my God! They really do act like brother and sister! I can't breathe, I'm laughing so hard. He continues while glaring at her.
"So, back to my story. I asked what the bet was and she said if I'm right, then at noon after the class was over she would take off all of her clothes at the front entrance of the school and run around the WHOLE school bare assed naked! If I lost, then I would do it. Never in a million years did I think I would lose the bet!"
I lost it again as did Claudia. She's trying to talk while laughing and I can't understand anything she is saying, so Cash answers for her.
"What the hyena over there is trying to say is that I was supposed to have guessed within 10 points of what she made on the test. I told her she probably made a 95, I assumed I was safe, because like I said, she never made less than an A." Claudia has composed herself enough to talk now.
"But you forgot the bonus question that added 10 points! I knew I won the bet before I even said it, because you ALWAYS forgot the bonus questions!" Cash is NOT laughing and Claudia can't stop!
"So, what did she make?" I think I probably already know the answer to this knowing her the way I do. He couldn'
t answer me, though.
"I made 110. What did you think I made? Hahahaha. He almost got expelled over that stunt! Running around the school in his birthday suit had a lot of girls that had crushes on him going to the dean and begging him to not kick him out, because he was the only reason they stayed at that school! They also asked the dean if he could do it again, because some of their friends missed seeing the Greek God Cash Kingston in all of his glory! That bet made my month!"
"Yeah, it might have made your month, but I never EVER made another bet again! With anybody! I had so many girls staring at me, I felt naked the rest of the year and I was so mad at Vanessa after that, because I asked her to kick your ass over that bet and she laughed in my face and told me I put myself in that situation, and she thought it was funny!"
"Are you kidding? She was laughing louder than I was." She's laughing her head off again and Cash comes up to me and puts each hand on my shoulders.
"Listen, Liv. I'll never ask you to do anything for me, but this one thing. Please, please, please don't cry so that this crazy vain woman can get her hair chopped off to her eyeballs! Her hair isn't as long as yours and as vain as she is, she won't leave her house for months!"
I try not to laugh, but I can't help it. His begging is hilarious! Claud's hair goes a couple of inches past the middle of her back, so it wouldn't end up that short. I can definitely see now that they never once had any feelings for each other, other than a sibling relationship. I guess he took Derek's place when she moved away for college. They're very funny together, even though they tease each other relentlessly.
"Um, hello? Vain woman is sitting right over here and I just heard what you said! And hyena? Oh please, you dumbass!"
"Okay, children. Breakfast is done and as funny as you guys are acting, I really appreciate that you're both supporting me in my endeavors and one of you is rooting for me to lose it emotionally and the other one is rooting for me to not, just so the other doesn't get their way. I think the best punishment for the both of you would be for BOTH of you to help each other clean the kitchen, while I take a shower so that I can wash my hair. Okay?"
Lost and Found Page 22
