"Well Gid, I guess I will have to be honest and say that yes, yes I am in love with Olivia and she's in love with me. How do you feel about that, son?"
Cash leaned next to me and grabbed my hand with a look of relief on his face that our secret was finally out. We both looked at Gideon and his mouth was wide open and grinning, and Eden was bouncing in her seat with excitement.
"How do I feel? Seriously! I think it's awesome! I don't even want anything for Christmas, because I'm so happy! So, are you two going to get married? Does that mean I can call Olivia Mom now? Can I be in the wedding? I can be your best man, or Uncle Caleb can I guess. Does that mean Claudia will really be my Aunt Claudia for real now? Can I just tell people Olivia is my mom now, instead of my nanny?
Oh my goodness he's so excited, he can't quit asking questions. He had every one of us at the table stunned at how many questions he asked.
"Oh, boy. One question at a time, Gid. Are we getting married? We will one day, that's the plan anyway, but buddy, I haven't even asked her yet. You need to let your old man ask her first and when that happens I can't think of anyone I'd rather be my best man than you."
He jumped up out of his seat and ran over to both of us, and we were huddled up in a group hug. Eden even jumped out of her seat, ran over, jumped up into my lap, wrapped her arms around my neck, and gave me a kiss.
"I knew it, Owibia! I knew you would be my Mommy."
I just grabbed her tighter and I looked over at Cash, and we both had tears falling down our cheeks. I looked at his parents and Carmen and Lucas, and all four of them were dabbing at their eyes with their napkins.
Gideon's little outburst had turned dinner into such a joyous occasion that Carmen went to get champagne for all of us to celebrate.
Thinking back on that night puts a big smile on my face. I notice it’s a few minutes before time to wake the kids up, and I look over at Cash and he's watching me and grinning at me.
"Well, good morning. How long have you been awake and have you been watching me this whole time?" He pulls me closer to him and leans his head on my shoulder.
"Yes I have been, were you having a good dream or thinking about last night like I was? I love having you in my arms when I fall asleep and wake up. Honestly, Liv. I don't remember ever being this happy in my life. Ever!" I feel that my heart is going to explode at what he just said. He said Ever!
"As much as I enjoyed last night, and oh my God I did, I can't ever seem to get enough of you. I was actually reliving in my head the night that Gideon called us out in front of everyone about how we felt about each other." He grins and gives me a kiss.
"That was a big moment for all of us, huh? That little turkey is way too smart for his britches, but it was a huge weight off of my shoulders, because I was getting tired of pulling you into closets and bathrooms for a kiss from you." This has me laughing, because we were getting pretty ridiculous in hiding from everyone, especially the kids.
"Yeah, me too, but I wouldn't mind it if you still did it every once in a while, haha. Not that I'm lacking in my daily quota of your wonderful kisses, but a couple more a day wouldn't hurt."
I wink at him, pull him into a tighter hug, kiss him on the chest, and start kissing him along his jawline, which has him moaning. Just holding each other has me wishing we had more time before the kids come in and attack us and get in bed with us, because they usually wake up before the alarm goes off.
"Oh, don't do that, you know what that does to me and you know they'll be in here any minute." I hear footsteps coming closer. "Speak of the little devils."
"Mom, Dad. You're awake! Can we cuddle with you before we have to go eat breakfast?"
There they are. Both of them in their pajamas with smiling faces like they always are every morning. My heart always bursts at the sight of them. They always know that the answer is yes, but because Gideon is so polite he asks before the both of them jump into our bed and get between Cash and I. Eden always brings a stuffed animal of some sort, so the more the merrier.
Cash looks over at me with them between us and he just shakes his head and grins at how our morning routine has turned into a snuggle fest for the four of us.
"What are your plans today, Gideon? Do you have any big tests today?"
"I have a spelling test, but I'm not worried about it. You know I always ace them, but we are playing dodge ball in P.E. today and I can't wait!"
"I always loved dodge ball when I was a kid. We need to play some dodge ball the next time your Uncle Caleb comes over. You and me against him! We will take him down!" I love watching them interact with each other. They're so much alike it's not even funny, looks and all. Cash looks over to Eden.
"Miss Eden, what are your plans today?" Eden, ever so graceful, very thoughtfully thinks about what she wants to do.
"I want to go swimming and bow and cowor."
Cash reaches over and lightly tickles her on her belly, which has her giggling and bucking away from him and closer to me.
"Cowor? Will you cowor me a picture today, so I can put it on my desk at work?"
"Yes, Daddy. I will make you a good one. A big, big one."
"Aww. Thank you, Sweetie. I can't wait to see it. Okay kids. How about you go run downstairs and eat, so I can talk to your mom for a couple of minutes, okay? We'll be right down."
Mom. It took me a couple of days to get used to it, but I love the sound of it again and didn't realize how much I had missed being called Mom or Mommy.
"Okay. You better hurry or I'll eat all of the bacon!" Gideon and Cash fight over the bacon every morning. Carmen makes plenty of course, but it’s turned into a competition with them.
They run out of the room and we hear them squealing with excitement, as they're running down the stairs. Neither of them wakes up grumpy in the morning, which is good considering how early they wake up.
"Liv? Are you happy? I mean truly happy?" Where did that come from, I wonder. I look over at him and he seems scared.
"What? Well, of course I am? Why are you asking me that?"
"Well, when I told you how happy I was you didn't acknowledge it and I meant it. I've NEVER been this happy! I was happy with Vanessa and I loved her very much, but I just... I just feel so happy my heart could burst out of my chest at any moment from all of the love that I have for you and the kids, and the love that I feel from all of you. I just want to make sure that you feel the same way."
"Oh, honey. If I could describe how happy I am with words, you just did it for me. Yes, I am truly, truly happy and I feel the same way." Surely, he can tell how happy I am. I guess women aren't the only ones that tend to have insecurities.
"I wish I didn't have to go to work today, because I would love nothing more than to hang with you and Eden today and spend her nap time with you, here in this bed. I just feel that since I'm so happy, something is going to happen that will change things. I don't know. Just a bad feeling I'm having." I snuggle up closer to him and run my fingers through his hair to reassure him.
"Cash, nothing bad is going to happen. We've gone through too much in our lives to get to where we are now. Please don't think that way. I can't see how anything in the world could tear us apart. I love you so much it hurts, and the children too. Just forget about it, okay? Everything is going to be fine, alright?"
He nods his head and leans down and presses his lips next to mine and I part my lips, and it felt like an explosion in my mouth at the intensity of his kiss. It felt like he was kissing me goodbye, not goodbye I'm going to work goodbye, but goodbye forever goodbye, which has me pulling him even closer to me and has me tearing up and feeling like I'm never going to see him again. He pulls apart and I see tears welled up in his eyes when he looks at me.
"You just felt it too, didn't you? It's like a dread feeling, that something bad is going to happen." I nod and hug him tighter.
"Cash, I’m sure it’s nothing. I've had feelings like that before and nothing ever happened. Please try to have a good day at work, okay?
I'll see you when you get home and you'll see that it was nothing."
He nods his head and heads downstairs to eat breakfast, while I run to the bathroom. While I'm brushing my teeth, I'm thinking about how upset he was and how I could feel it in his kiss and I immediately feel like throwing up.
I open the lid to the toilet and barely had it up before I throw up. I feel fine afterwards, so I guess it's just nerves from our conversation. I get to thinking about it, because I've felt this way before and I mentally start calculating in my head and oh my God! I hadn't even thought about it, but I'm two weeks late for my period.
Oh my God! I have morning sickness! Cash was right! Something is about to happen, but it's nothing bad. We are going to have a baby! I don't even have to take a test to know for sure. I'm pregnant!
I then remember Cash telling me if I ever got pregnant I would have to get rid of it. Does he still mean that? We are in a committed relationship now; surely he doesn't still mean that. We are having a baby. A baby made out of love. Our love for each other.
But he's not going to think about that. He's automatically going to think that I'm going to die. I don't know what to do. I can't tell him, especially now after what he just said and how he feels. I have to talk to somebody, I need to go see a Dr. I don't know any Dr.'s! Claudia. I'll call Claudia. She won't say anything and she will know a good Dr. I can go to.
Oh my God! I'm pregnant! All I can do is grin, because I've never wanted anything more in all of my life than this life that I'm carrying. I just have to get Cash on the same page.
********************
After Cash and Gideon left for school and work, I told Carmen that I had to run a few errands and finish some Christmas shopping, and asked if she minded to watch Eden for me. I wasn't about to tell her that Claudia had set me up an appointment with her gynecologist as soon as I called to tell her what I suspected.
I pulled into the parking lot of the Dr.'s office and she's already there waiting for me outside her car, talking on her cell phone. She hangs up and walks over to me and pulls me into her arms, because I'm at odds about how I'm feeling.
"Oh my God, O. What's going through your mind right now? Are you sure you're pregnant? Are you going to tell Cash? You can't hide this from him, ya know."
"Oh calm down. First things first. Yes, I'm sure I'm pregnant and I don't know what I'm going to do about Cash yet. I can hide it long enough for it to be too late for him to try to make me get rid of it, which I am not doing by the way!" She shakes her head and sighs.
"Olivia? Do you love him?"
"Of course I do! Why are you asking me that?"
What is her deal? She's my best friend and she's supposed to support my decisions. All of them!
"I know that he's madly in love with you and I know that he said that in the beginning, but do you think that maybe he's changed his mind?" She is leaning against my car with her arms crossed with a concerned look on her face.
"You don't understand how he feels about pregnancy, Claud. He doesn't look at it the same way normal men do. He feels that pregnancy is a death sentence and I can't handle him looking at me for nine months thinking that I'm going to die. I'll tell him when I'm past my first trimester, after the holidays."
"I sure hope you know what you're doing. I won't say anything, but I really wish you wouldn't lie to him about this."
"Oh, you're one to talk about not lying. Have you even told Caleb yet that you're into guys?"
I know they spend a lot of time together through the week and weekends when he's not out of town on missionary trips.
"That's different and you know it. I'm not hurting anyone but myself, but the problem here Olivia, is you've never been a good liar and I'm great at it. I'll keep your secret, but I'm just telling you, I'm not crazy about it and I think it's going to blow up in your face."
"That's all I'm asking of you is to not say anything. I know it's a lot to ask, but you're the only one I can tell. I guess we better go get this over with and make sure everything is okay.
An hour later, we are both sitting in Claud's car shell shocked and not saying a word. I have so many thoughts going through my head about what the doctor said that I feel a headache coming on. She keeps looking at me and shaking her head and tries to say something, but can't seem to say the right words.
"O... I don't know what to say. Twins? Are you freaking kidding me? And you're further along than you thought? I had no idea you could still have periods when you're pregnant. God! You must have gotten pregnant the first time you guys had sex! So you've been pregnant this whole time? 10 weeks pregnant. Wow! I guess the plus side is you only have 2 more weeks for your first trimester to be over, so that you can tell Cash." She is saying everything that is going through my mind, except for one thing.
"I don't know what I'm going to do. Telling him I was pregnant with one baby was one thing and I know that I could have probably convinced him that everything would be fine, because I've always had easy pregnancies and deliveries, but to tell him I'm pregnant with twins? Which could turn into a high risk pregnancy? I'm scared to death, Claudia!" I'm having problems breathing I'm so panicked. She reaches for my hand to calm me down.
"Okay. Let's calm down for a minute. I think that we are both in shock. I don't know what to tell ya girl. Christmas is in a couple of weeks, so you'll be extra busy, which will explain how tired you're going to be. What about morning sickness? Have you had it bad yet?"
"This morning was the first time I had it, so I might be alright there. I really only thought that I was four or five weeks along, because I started my period a couple of weeks after our first time. I've never had a period while pregnant and I've felt fine until yesterday. Twins, Claud? I could start showing at any time. I know I've gained a little bit of weight, but I just thought it was because I've been eating more and Cash hasn't complained, because he thought I was just skin and bones to begin with! Oh my God! What am I going to do?"
"I've noticed you have had a glow about you, but I never suspected you being pregnant, because I know you would have told me if you were. I don't know how you're going to keep this from him. I guess you could tell him at Christmas time, in front of everyone, haha. Surely, he wouldn't throw a fit in front of his parents. You know they're going to be ecstatic. Hell! Everyone is going to be happy about it. What about your parents? Are you going to tell them?" Oh, my parents. I immediately start crying.
"I'm such a bad liar, Claud! I can't tell anyone until he knows. Can you imagine how betrayed he would feel if he knew that everyone knew except for him? You can't tell Caleb! I know you guys are friends and have gotten close, but please, Claud! You can't tell him! He's his brother! You know he would feel obligated to tell him!"
"I won't say a word. Don't worry. You just need to make sure if you lie and it involves me, you have to let me know so I can cover you, okay? I'm still not crazy about this and I'll go with you to tell him, if you want me to." I shake my head no. "Please think about it, okay? I know your head is spinning right now with the news, but please reconsider and just tell him." I know she's worried about me, but I'm more scared of Cash's reaction to the pregnancy news than anything.
"Let's go eat some lunch, because I'm starving and since I told Carmen I was going to go Christmas shopping, we might as well buy a few things, so I'll have something with me when I walk through the door." For some reason this has her laughing her head off.
"Oh Lord! It just hit me that you're eating for three people! Three! No wonder you've been so hungry lately. I have an idea. How about we stop and buy a couple of infant car seats and you give that to Cash for Christmas. That should clue him in! I'm picturing his reaction right now! Hahahahahahaha..." Well, she definitely lightened the mood and I love her for it.
"Yeah, yeah. You're so funny. I'm craving Italian, so let’s go eat at that little Italian place on the corner by your house and then we can get some shopping in."
"Oh lord! I hope you don't get any weird cravings like you did with the kids
, because he will figure it out on his own. I'll never forget when you were pregnant with Jeremiah and you wanted a hardboiled egg dipped in peanut butter. Ewww that looked disgusting!"
"Oh, I remember that and believe it or not, it was pretty good. Hmmm. It actually sounds pretty good right now! You're right. My cravings are going to give me away! Oh lord!"
********************
I arrived back at the house the same time that Cash and Gideon arrived home from their day. I didn't mean to stay gone all day, but Claudia and I really got into our shopping excursion to get our minds off of my pregnancy. The guys came over to help me with my shopping bags of already wrapped presents.
"How was your day today, gentleman?"
"Well, aren't you a vision of radiance and beauty. I see you've done some more shopping. I don't know about you, but do we even have room under the tree? Today turned out better than I thought it would, so I guess I was having a crazy moment this morning." If only he knew how my day went, he wouldn't be saying that. "Liv? Hello?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. You distracted me and you're right, there are tons of presents, but we can make room. This will be the kids’ best Christmas ever!" He arched his eyebrows at me.
"Yes, I have a lot of making up to do and might have gone overboard too on the gifts. Honey? Are you alright? What did you mean by I was distracting you? You don't seem yourself. Did you and Claudia have a good day?"
Let the lies begin. Oh, I'm not good at this, but I just need some time with my thoughts on how to deal with all of this.
"Yes, I'm fine, and Claudia and I had a great day. You were distracting me by just being you. Sometimes when I look at your handsome face, I lose all train of thought. Give me a kiss, handsome!"
His eyes light up and he gives me a passionate kiss and tips me towards the ground, which has Gideon giggling uncontrollably.
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