by Bry Ann
“Sto—”
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Pamela soothes as she ignores my whimpers for her to stop. It hurts. It hurts! Tears fall from my eyes. God! Oh my God, this pain is unbearable.
“Drugs,” I whimper, “Mo… re.”
Pamela doesn’t say anything until I’m deposited onto her lower bunk, making me cry out in pain again. I hold the hippo through it all.
I risk a look up through my one half-good eye at Pamela. She’s biting her lower lip.
“I don’t know if I should give you more drugs. You already had some. I watched him give it to you.”
“Please,” I cry.
“Let’s wait ‘til Tammy gets back. See what she says.”
I don’t want Tammy! It’s like Pamela reads my thoughts because, still crying, she says, “Tammy’s been here longer. She’ll know how to help you. I’m sure she’s seen this before.”
This?! What do I look like? Sensing my distress, Pamela hurries to speak again.
“I mean we’ve all taken a beating,” she laughs bitterly. “Especially me, but…”
She doesn’t finish. God, what do I look like?
I tuck my head into the hippo and let silent tears fall. Pamela starts sobbing again and jumps to gently rub my back, just using the tips of her fingers so she doesn’t hurt me. This goes on in silence for quite a while. Her rubbing me. Me silently crying into her hippo.
Finally, the door swings open and I know it’s Tammy being ushered in. She gets rid of Marcus and strolls into the room.
“Where’s Sage? I need to talk to her,” Tammy tells Pam. Pam must point, because I hear footsteps heading toward my curled up form, then…
“Son of a fucking bitch! Goddamnit, Z! Move, Pamela!” she snaps.
She runs over and starts scanning me head to toe, being far less gentle. She moves my limbs, making me scream internally and groan out loud.
“Okay. Right.”
Tammy seems to think on things for a second before sighing and letting her body slump into the bed.
“I hope I can pay back the good you’ve done for me by trying to heal you.”
“Z threatened her life, Tam,” Pamela whispers.
“Well, duh! No sex, no money. She can’t have sex like this. It’s obvious,” Tammy brushes her off. It’s so twisted.
“Pay back?” I manage to get out.
Tammy’s head twists my way. “I was with Nix,” she whispers.
And just like that, the pain momentarily fades. He did as I asked! How is he? He was so nice to me.
I let out a whimpered sound of approval.
“He told me what you said. He told me you gave up your time with him so we could have a break.”
“He… nice?”
I squeeze my eyes tight. The pain… oh my God. The drugs are fading.
“Very,” she whispers. “He… fed me. Let me sleep. Helped with some personal issues I’ve been having. He… he let me sleep, Sage.”
Tammy’s eyes water. I force my eyes open as much as possible for that. I’ve never seen her this vulnerable. She looks so young when she lets her walls down.
“It’s been so long since I’ve slept safely.”
She quickly wipes the tears from her eyes.
A phantom smile appears on my lips. He did it. He gave her somewhere safe.
“And…” Tammy adds with a mischievous grin, “a certain sexy surfer boy couldn’t stop asking about a certain friend of mine.”
What?!
“No,” I whisper. No he didn’t.
“Oh,” Tammy laughs. “Yes he did. ‘How’s Sage? Is she okay? Is she hurt? Is she hanging on? Is she being fed? Given water? Is she sick?’ On and on.”
She grins at my limp form.
“I think the boy has a crush.”
I frown. “He… my name. He said my…”
“Yes,” Tammy whispers, frowning. “He did. You didn’t tell it to him?”
“No.”
“Huh? Doesn’t matter. We need to fix you. Enough gossip. I’ll kiss your feet later when you can appreciate it.”
Wow, Tammy’s semi-charming when she’s fed, rested, and given water.
“Drugs,” I whisper. “Or… or g-go.”
Tammy blows air through her teeth, whilst Pamela lets out a sob/whimper.
“I… she asked me, but they gave her drugs already. I don’t want her to get addicted and lose herself,” Pamela murmurs.
“Oh, Jesus Christ, Pamela!” Tammy screams, jumping out of the bed. “When will you get it? It. Doesn’t. Fucking. Matter. Do you see her? Do you fucking see her? They beat her to all hell! We’ve all been beaten, but you’ve never been beaten like that.”
She throws her arm my way.
“Have you?” Pamela whispers, before I can.
“It doesn’t matter!” she shrieks. “The pain she’s going to endure unless we get her more drugs will be unbearable. Not to mention, and more importantly, what we have to do to get her fuckable is hell. She needs to be high. Now, quit being idealistic and get the girl some damn drugs, Pamela!”
“You’re gonna get her sent there,” Pamela whispers brokenly.
“Ugh!” Tammy yanks on the ends of her hair. “They are numb! They aren’t miserable. They are better off than us, sitting here, fully aware of the hell we have to endure day after fucking day. You are a fully grown adult. Quit acting like a child! No offense, Sage.”
“You’re wrong,” Pamela states proudly. “Tammy, I love you, but you’re wrong.”
Tammy shakes her head. “I can’t say any more. I’ll get the drugs myself. I owe it to her.”
“I get that you feel grateful. And honestly, I’m happy to see you feeling grateful to anybody, but you’re going about it the wrong way.”
“Let me worry about that.”
“But you’re affecting a young girl, Tammy! She’s not even eighteen! She’s a kid. Are you really gonna get her addicted to drugs?”
“YES!” Tammy bellows. “Yes, because it’s better than reality. Drugs are just… better.”
Then she leaves. When she’s gone, Pamela runs over.
“You don’t have to take them. She won’t make you.”
Pam grabs the hippo still cuddled in my arms and shifts his head so the furry eyes are looking into my one half-good eye.
“Please, stay with me, Sage,” she squeaks in a fake hippo voice. “I want you here. Don’t go away.”
My lips twitch, sending jolts of pain up my head.
I try to bring back the images of the girls on the street. How they were bodies with no soul. I don’t want that. I really don’t, but the pain. Pam doesn’t get the pain. I’m trying to be strong for them. Trying not to cry anymore, but I feel like I’m being shredded and stabbed with dull hammers.
When Tammy comes back in with a small bit of their stash of white powder, I know I’m gonna take it. Pamela’s stronger than me. Sage just can’t survive here.
I squeeze the hippo tighter, somehow saddest about letting the inanimate object down.
Sage just can’t do this.
Two Weeks Later
“You look good,” Tammy says as she assesses me. “You move well. All remaining injuries will either scar or are easy to cover.”
Fantastic.
“Z’s gonna make you work tonight.”
Her eyes go stern.
“Sage, you can’t pull that again. When you’re with the johns, you fuck ‘em according to instruction. Z, Sty, or Marcus will give you the rundown before you go, pricing and all that. I’m serious, Sage. Don’t try to run again. It’s hopeless. They’ll kill you.”
I bite my lower lip and glance at Pamela. She’s in the corner of her bunk, holding her hippo, pouting. I feel bad. She’s mad at Tammy, and at me, for complying. I think Pamela thought I’d be like her and fight for freedom. That I wouldn’t let them break me.
I want that.
I want to say I’d rather die fighting, but suffering? I’m tired of suffering.
“Do what you think is rig
ht, Sage,” Pam mutters, still cuddling her hippo. Pam has gone through a lot lately. She won’t talk about it, but she’s been more withdrawn, more sullen. I know it’s not just us that’s bothering her, and it’s breaking my heart. I’ve tried to reach out to her, but she always pulls away.
I nibble on my lower lip.
“Do what will keep you alive,” Tammy interjects harshly. I can’t really be mad at Tammy. She’s worked miracles on my body with what few resources we have, and I know she did it all to keep me alive. I know me giving up my spot with Nix so she could have one night of peace affected her. She’s harsh, brainwashed, and an addict, but in her own way, she’s trying to protect me. Every day, I’m so grateful for her. Being honest, between Pamela and I, sometimes Tammy’s blunt reminder of our reality is needed. Well, a lot of the time. Speaking of, I hope Nix comes for Pamela soon. She could use it.
I have what I need. I’m high enough to cope. Tammy’s managed to sneak extra water for me. My appetite has faded a ton, making the constant hunger bearable. The pain from the beating was so bad, I’ve had to learn to cope with it, so I’m pretty sure that from here on out, any hit, punch, or face stuffed in a mop bucket won’t matter so much.
And Sty.
I don’t care. He pops in once in a while, but Tammy’s taught me not to care. Although, I get the feeling, despite the wall she puts up, she still loves Z. When he pulls her to have sex, she does not seem sad about. And I don’t think it’s just about the drugs. Whatever they do, she doesn’t scream, and when she comes back, she’s dreamy. He gets in her head. Marcus and Sty have come for me. Wanted to “try me out” like I was a broken toy they were trying to fix, but Pamela and Tammy had my back. They kept them away, but today’s the day. I guess in a twisted way, the beating bought me time, but at a price I never wanted to pay. It killed my sixteen-year-old hopefulness.
“She’d better be ready, Tam,” Z growls from down the hall.
“Head down. Look meek but pretty. It’s important, Sage. Don’t give them a reason to get rid of you,” Tammy says hurriedly, letting a rare sliver of fear slip into her voice this time.
Has she seen that happen before? I’m dispensable here. A squeak escapes my lips.
“No, Sage. You can’t mess up again,” Tammy hisses. Pamela approaches my side and squeezes my hand.
“Hippo will be waiting for you when you get back.”
“I love you, Pamela.”
Her eyes melt. “I love you, little one.”
“Yeah, I love you two, too,” Tammy grumbles.
Before either of us can respond, Z’s large presence is filling the doorway and storming toward me. He wastes no time. Every step closer sends my body into a state of panic. Flashes of his fists pummeling into my body swirl in my mind. I bite my lower lip, thankful the drugs are dulling my senses or I’d be on the floor in fetal position.
Z’s eyes roam over me a couple of times before he snickers.
“Well, I guess you get to live, 262. Tam did well.”
And Pamela!
“Let’s go.”
He snatches my upper arm, right over a healing bruise. I have to close my eyes to cope with the pain. When I open my eyes again…
I’m gone. There’s nothing there. I physically see Tammy and Pam’s concerned eyes, but it doesn’t sink in.
Cause there is no Sage home.
Z drags me down the hall, through the door, and into his car. It’s the first time I’ve been in his car since I was taken to the street corner, tricked, and beaten.
But I’m not taken to a street corner this time. The look Z gives me tells me this is on purpose. No, instead I’m taken to an apartment.
My heart hammers.
My breath hitches.
But it’s almost like it’s attached to a different body.
I don’t feel it.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Z’s fist pounds on the door with chipping green paint. The door swing open to reveal an old man with thinning grey hair, wrinkled skin, and crooked teeth. He doesn’t say anything. I’m shoved inside. There’s a money transfer and that’s it. That’s really it.
I’m alone.
Someone really just paid to use my body. Someone who probably has a daughter. A niece. Maybe a wife or girlfriend. Does he really think I want this? Does he think I’m here voluntarily? I want to scream it at him. Scream and ask him what he’s doing.
But then his hands are on me.
And the memories of what happened last time are in my brain.
Tammy’s warnings and the drugs control my psyche.
I just stand there as his hands roam over my body. I’m grateful for the distance between my mind and body or I’d be repulsed. I’d probably vomit all over his disgusting form.
I feel the tears sting my eyes when his hands land on my breast, but I don’t let them free.
I don’t scream when his hand flies free from my body to drag me by the hair to his bedroom. I’m thrown on the bed like trash and told to strip.
“Clothes off,” he snaps, voice heavy with lust.
I’m surprised I get them off with how hard I’m shaking. I briefly contemplate fighting him. He’s old and weak, but I know Z is right outside and will hurt me or someone I love: Pamela, Tammy, Amy. There’s too much at stake, so I just take it.
When I’m naked, crying and shaking, I stand there, using my black-green hair to block my face as I stare at the floor. He doesn’t take any cues from that. I’m shoved onto the bed and raped, brutally. Choked. Hit. Everything about it hurts. As he pounds into me, I stare at the ceiling blankly, giving him nothing.
“I’m done,” he grunts, yanking his pants up. “You can go.”
I can’t move.
“Get out. I have company coming.”
Tears sting my eyes. Oh my God, how could he?
“Hey, bitch, can you hear me? Out!”
I know I need to move but I can’t get one muscle in my body to.
Fingers tangle in my hair. I cry out as I’m yanked to the floor. I hit the ground with a thud. The pain in my scalp is excruciating, but still, it’s like my body is frozen.
“Get fucking dressed!” he roars. When I still stare blankly at the wall, he loses it. “God fucking damnit!”
He charges out of the room and throws his front door open. I hear him scream something out the door. Two minutes later, Z is in the room. He wastes no time. He snatches my clothes off the floor, grabs my hair, and literally drags me out. That breaks the shock slightly. I cry out and tug at my scalp to try to ease the pressure there. I’m still naked with his fluid leaking down my thighs. Coming out of my shock is unwelcome.
“Let me get dressed!” I shriek. “Please.”
Z throws me to the ground in the doorway.
“You have sixty seconds.”
I scramble around, using thirty of those seconds to try to wipe the fluid from my legs. Z snickers at me, only fueling my shame. Right as Z reaches for me again, I finish. I go numb and walk behind him willingly. He checks a couple of times, almost not sure if I’m really submitting willingly or am pulling another trick.
He needn’t worry. What can I do? I’m trapped. There’s no way out. None.
I curl up in the backseat of his car and cry inside myself. Broken. Wishing I could die. Wishing I could wash my skin right off in the shower.
When we get back to the compound, a needle is jammed into my arm and I am ushered to the familiar hallway that’s become my prison. Tammy is gone, but Pamela is there.
As soon as Z leaves, a soft object is stuffed into my arms, but Pamela hides from me, giving my physical space after what’s happened.
I look down.
It’s the hippo.
I squeeze it tightly to my chest and cry.
The softness of it, the big, open, plastic black eyes give me the slightest bit of Sage back, and for that, I am equally grateful and shamed.
I curl myself up on the floor and revel in the love of our little nightmare catcher.
A Month and a Half Later
“Nix asked about you.”
“Yeah,” I say numbly, staring at the ceiling.
Pamela fidgets with her now even looser t-shirt.
Cough. Cough. She tries to cover her mouth to hide the increased coughing, but we all share a room. It’s unavoidable. She’s getting sicker. Every single day. I see the way Marcus, Z, and Sty look at her. Like she’s not worth it anymore. They have her working less and that terrifies me. If she’s not earning money, I know what they’ll do.
Nix took her last night. Gave her meds. Did what he could, but again, didn’t save her life, so I don’t care. Why does he even bother asking about me?
“A lot, Sage. Can you come back enough to…”
Cough. Cough.
“Be yourself for even just a…”
Cough. Cough.
I frown and spin my feet around on the bed, breaking out of my drug/trauma-induced fog.
“You okay, Pam?”
She nods, throwing her hand over her mouth and running to the corner of the room.
“Pam! Hey…”
I rub her lower back, but make sure she sees my hand first.
“Can I… lie down?” she says in a hoarse voice.
“Yes! Yes!”
I wrap my arms around her frail form, feeling just about every bone in her body. Pamela’s so strong, so resilient, that I guess I hadn’t fully realized how sick and frail she’d become.
“Oh my God, Pam,” I gasp when I have her seated on the bed.
She coughs and slaps the spot next to her. Feeling shaky, I listen and take a seat.
“Glad to have you back.” Her voice is hoarse and weak.
“I’m here, Pam. I’m here.” I feel tears I haven’t cried in weeks push to the surface.
“Listen to me,” she coughs and places her hand over my mine. It’s bony and shaky. “Don’t give up. Never let your mind get to an unreachable place. Keep Sage safe, but not locked away forever.”
Cough. Cough. Cough-Cough-Cough.
“If something happens to me before I get out—”
“Nothing will!”
She smiles sadly and squeezes my hand. “Let’s pretend,” she croaks. “If something does, I want you to take our hippo buddy.”
