by Bry Ann
“He’s not ours, he’s yours.” Pam wipes one of the stray tears sliding down my cheeks.
“He’s ours, little sis. Take him and remember to always hold on no matter what. Don’t ever give up the fight. You’re gonna be the one to get out of here. I know it. Just make sure when you do…”
Cough.
“Sage leaves with you.”
“Pamela,” I cry. “Can I hug you?”
“Of course.”
I tuck her back under the covers and wrap my arms around her. We both tell stories quietly and, after a while, just cry into each other for all we lost. Tammy comes in late and when she hears Pam coughing and both of our quiet whimpers and sobs, she crawls in with us. All three of us hold each other into the night. Eventually we fall asleep just like that, curled into each other for the first time. Holding tight before everything changes.
“PAMELA!” A bone-chilling scream wakes me from my sleep.
Tammy.
Pam.
I leap out of bed and look down. The sight in front of me brings me to my knees. Pamela’s stiff and greyish. Tammy is frantically shaking her and screaming at the top of her lungs.
“PAMELA! No! You fight! Oh God, no! Ahhh!”
Tammy’s scream is so etched with pain it freezes me. I can do nothing but stare as silent tears fall.
Not Pamela. Not Pam. She, of all of us, deserves to get free. She never gave up. Not one day. Was never moved to the place where all “well-adjusted” women go. Never, not one day, believed she wouldn’t escape. Never lost herself in drugs like Tammy and I. And she managed to love us unconditionally in hell.
I crumble to the ground. She gave me the first experience of real love I’d ever known.
She’s the lost orphan no one knew.
Sadness like I’ve never known absolutely drowns me.
No one will ever know how amazing she is… was. No one will ever know. My head falls to the floor and I cry. I wish I could describe the sense of loss, the pain at the life that was cut way too short. They killed her. They killed her!
“No. No,” I whisper, throwing my hands over my ears and rocking back and forth. “No.”
“Hey,” a quiet, hoarse voice rings as a hand slides across my back. “Kid?”
I jump into Tammy and start crying hysterically. Tammy squeezes me so tight, letting her own tears drench my bare shoulder.
“Not her. Not her, not her,” I repeat over and over again.
“Shh, Pamela wouldn’t want you to cry. Pamela wouldn’t want—”
Tammy’s voice is cut off by a large gasp of pain before she starts crying again. She limply gets up and goes back to her dead friend. I can’t imagine how Tammy feels. Pamela was the one girl to never leave her, to never give up hope. I now cry for Tammy. The room feels so cold.
“Tammy, get over…”
Z’s voice cuts off when he sees me crying on the floor and Tammy thrown over Pamela’s dead body, hugging her tight.
“She dead?”
I guess my loud hiccup-sob answers his question, because he doesn’t question it further.
“Figures. Okay, off, Tammy. I need to get rid of the body before this place starts to smell like shit.”
How can he be so cruel?!
Tammy shivers and holds Pamela tighter, shaking her head.
“Tammy, off!” Z’s voice goes cold.
All Tammy’s training and brokenness takes over. With a quiet whimper of bone-deep pain, she slides off Pamela’s body and onto the floor like a dead snake. Z stares at her for a moment too long, like maybe one inch of him cares, but then he just shrugs and goes over to Pam’s body, throws her over his shoulder like it’s nothing, and heads to the door.
“When I’ve dealt with this,” he grunts, “I’ll be back for you, Tammy. Be ready.”
Tammy nods, lying lifeless on the floor.
How does he just go on? My eyes well with tears again. How can he take her like she’s nothing? She gave me everything! Everything. She helped me get through this. Tammy and I won’t be able to. Not without her.
Tammy still hasn’t budged. Forcing my limbs to move, I push myself up, feeling heavy, and grab the hippo Tammy so wisely stuffed under the covers. I hug it to my chest, crawl to the floor by Tammy, and place the hippo between us, before wrapping my arm around her.
“He’s coming back for me,” Tammy says in a voice so flat and quiet, it sounds barely alive.
“Then we have a minute,” I whisper, squeezing her tighter.
I feel the slightest bit of tension ease out of Tammy.
“We’re not gonna be okay. Are we, kid?”
My tears fall faster. “Never without Pam, but we have to keep ourselves inside somewhere.”
I look at the hippo and think of her strong blue eyes.
“For her.”
Tammy shakes her head.
“I don’t want to.”
Then she goes limp.
And that’s the last time the real Tammy surfaces.
Ever.
Chapter Thirteen
I locked her away. I locked her away so far inside of me that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to reach her again willingly.
But I made sure she’s not gone. I made sure she’s still there. Somewhere.
For Pam.
Under the right circumstances, for the right person, at the right time… maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to find her again.
Sage Briar-Rose.
Safe.
With Pam.
Only this body is unsafe now.
But it takes a lot for a human body to die… so I’ll just….
Take it.
Whatever it is, going forward.
No one can hurt me.
Cause there’s no one left to hurt.
Chapter Fourteen
“Tammy.”
Nothing.
“Tammy, I need to talk to you,” I slur. I’m high. Dizzy. But somehow coherent enough to remember Sty’s words.
“We’re moving you tomorrow, so be ready.”
“Fuckin’ elephants,” Tammy mutters. “Fuck ‘em.”
Since Pam died, nothing Tammy’s said has made sense. I think her mind has split. She’s completely gone insane. I lost both of my friends that day.
“Yeah, fuck ‘em, Tam,” I mutter, crawling back in the bunk with shaking, aching limbs. Fuck it all. They can move me. I have stopped caring. I don’t fight them when they have people pay them to fuck me. Not after Pam died and Tammy left me. Not after they posted a picture on the wall of Amy getting groceries. The constant, quiet threat. Not after being raped, beaten, and starved over and over again.
Why fight?
They always win. It just gets me and people I care about hurt.
My worst nightmare used to be being moved. Now it sounds nice. There are more drugs there. More numbness.
In a way, I know it’s failing Pam. She always fought when she got close to being moved. Being moved meant truly failing to her. So I know I’m failing her, but I’ll keep the one promise I made.
I’m not gone.
Just locked down.
“Ugh! The fucking trunks,” Tammy’s voice breaks through the silence.
Numb, the pain of her mental breakdown doesn’t faze me.
“The trunks are the worst,” I state flatly in the quiet room.
“I HATE THEM!” she screams.
Yeah, same.
“Here.”
Marcus throws me in the stone-floored room with a bed that resembles something in a hospital. Instead of a door out front, there’s a large, used-to-be grey curtain.
Leaving Tammy should have been hard. Inside, deep, deep inside, I felt a part of me scream out for her, but I shut it down. Now I’m just here. No one said hi. I’m not even sure the women I passed even registered I was here. They are all gone.
Like me.
Are they reachable? Is their real self locked up tight, or gone forever?
“See you in an hour.”
I no
d, head bowed.
With that, I go to the bed, curl up, and stare at the wall ‘til they come for me. A brief thought of a slightly rebellious girl with her Kindle comes to mind, but as fast as it comes, it goes.
“Ready?”
I look up and see Sty standing there, face etched with impatience. He no longer fazes me like he did before. Meeting him was the product of a stupid, naive girl who no longer exists.
I crawl out of the bed and walk over to him. He snatches my arm and drags me across the dirty floor.
“Thought we’d have to kill you before we broke you, Sagie.”
I don’t know what reaction he was hoping to get from me, but he fails. He’ll always fail.
I say nothing.
I feel him look at me for a moment before shrugging. I’m led to the car I know far too well. I don’t try the door or bang on the windows. I know the door’s locked. I know the window banging will only get me beaten and no one cares.
I’m led street-side and kicked out of the car.
“You know the price. I’ll be back soon. Be good.”
With that, he slams on the gas and leaves.
Leaves.
They’ve never left me alone completely. Neither my body nor the drugs they’ve been giving me can fight the piece of who I once was that pops up.
I can’t just leave. They’ll take Amy. But… but what if the john just wants to get fucked and doesn’t know what we’re going through? That we’re not here willingly. He could help me. I don’t know where I am or how far I am from home. What if, in the time I’m missing, they take Amy? It’s really not worth the risk. But… but if I tell the guy, then the cops could protect her.
I have to try. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to be alone again.
I run to the street with newfound determination.
I look to the sky.
“I’m gonna try for you this time, Pam,” I whisper. “I’ll give this one a go.”
I act as sexy as I can, so not surprisingly, a car pulls up fast. I practically jump in, throw my price at him and wait ‘til he drives off. I say nothing the whole way. I just let my leg bounce. It’s probably going too fast since I’m high and crazy.
As soon as we’re out of the car and walking to his apartment, I turn on him.
“I need your help. I’m here against my will…”
He opens his door. I go inside on instinct at this point.
“There are other girls. They’ve threatened my friend. I need the police, and fast. Please!”
The man says nothing. He studies me for a moment before pulling out his phone. My stomach sinks.
No. No. No. Why did I let Sage out? Why? Why would I do that?
“Please, don’t,” I whimper, starting to tremble. “Just… just let it go.”
His lip curls up in a cruel smirk. “Sorry. Wanna know how much I got paid to do this? A shit ton.”
I feel myself shrivel up inside. I go to the floor and curl up, forcing my mind to shut down.
Sty and Marcus enter the room.
“Sagie… and here I thought you were nothing but a body, finally.”
Nothing.
“But nope, you’re full of surprises. Now we get to play.”
Marcus snickers. I know what’s coming. I’ve been through this.
I’m raped repeatedly.
Then beaten within an inch of my life.
When they’re done with me, Marcus chucks me over his shoulder and heads for the door with my limp body.
The man who sold me out has the nerve to wave goodbye to us.
Wave. While I’m practically dead because of him. He got some from me, so he’s happy. And that’s all that matters. My goddamn vagina.
I groan when he takes me down the stairs. Every bounce sends a jolt through my severely injured bones.
“Set her down,” a dark voice rings through the night. It sounds familiar, but I’m too sick, hurt, and mentally checked out to think about where I’ve heard it.
“Fuck off. Pay the same as everyone else.”
The unmistakable sound of a gun cocking echoes. I hate myself for it, but all I can think is please kill me. Please. Please let that bullet be for me!
“Okay,” Sty says. “I’m sure everything can be—”
BANG!
Sty? He doesn’t say anything. No scream. No nothing. My splintering mind can’t put together why that may be.
“You wanna be next? Set her the fuck down. Now!”
“Fine. You want me to set her down?” Marcus sneers. “Here ya go.”
Marcus releases his hands, sending me crashing forward head first onto the pavement. I cry out as soon as I hit the pavement. Unfortunately, I hit at an angle so I don’t have the luxury of being knocked out.
After the cry escapes my lips, I shut down. I hear that voice go eerily calm, then another bullet.
“Sage?”
The voice stays at a distance. Sage? Who’s Sage? She’s on lockdown.
“Sage? It’s Nix. Do you remember me?”
The pain is too much at this point for his voice to break through.
“I’m gonna come over and see if you’re okay. That’s it. I know it’s been a rough night.”
When he comes, I hear him hiss out a breath.
“Fuck!” he screams. “Oh, fuck. Damn it.”
A sound almost like a whimper escapes the man’s lips.
“Oh, fuck. This is gonna hurt, brave girl.”
Rough hands slide under me. I try to scream when he pulls me from the earth.
“I know, I know,” he whispers in a pained voice. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I should have… fuck. Fuck!
“I’m gonna get you to a hospital. Okay? Just hang on.”
Huh?
I don’t wanna do this. So I let it all go black.
Chapter Fifteen
I jolt out of bed in a silent scream. I hate sleep. I never do it anymore! Why did I go black? Why did I let that happen?
“Shit. Hey, Sage. Can you hear me? Nurse! Nurse!” a man roars.
“Sage, hun, can you hear me? Your father’s here. And we have someone from the FBI here as well. How’s that sound, sweetheart? So many people are here to support you. Can you come back to me?”
I turn to her, eyes dead. She’s older, with white-blonde hair, brown eyes, and wrinkled, glowing skin.
What does she want?
Where am I?
What do these people want with me?
Where’s…
“No!” I scream and start thrashing in the bed. “Amy! You have to get Amy! They’re gonna hurt her! No, let me go!”
I leap for the end of the bed. The nurse jumps, but before she can reach me, a man’s hand is around my shoulder.
I freeze, going completely limp on command.
The man lets go immediately like I burned him.
The nurse crouches down where my head is dangling over the edge of the bed.
“What’s her name, sweetheart?”
“Amy Wilder. Please, they’re gonna hurt her!”
“What are they going to do to her, sweet girl?” the nurse whispers.
“They’re gonna take her to hell,” I murmur.
She nods. “I’ll save it for the FBI,” I hear her whisper to someone. “Is there anything I can get you? Anything you need?”
Being in a bed, I look around for my one thing. The only thing that matters.
“Where’s my hippo? Where’s Tammy?” I scream, although my voice isn’t loud. “Don’t tell me Tammy’s not free. Don’t tell me they took my hippo. That can’t happen. No. No. No.”
“Shhh,” the man whispers. “What are you talking about, princess, huh? Go on and tell me. I’ll find them.”
The nurse looks at him with kindness in her eyes. I look at the man a second longer, still not recognizing him, until I look down and see a wrist full of bracelets.
I shake my head, feeling the heaviness of it.
“Nix?”
His eyebrows raise.
“Yeah, you remember me?”
I feel even dizzier. “How… why… how…”
“Shh, don’t think about it. I said I’d help ya.” His jaw tightens, sending a jolt of familiarity through my veins. “I was too late.”
“Hun,” the nurse jumps in, voice chipper. “Your dad’s here. He’s missed you.”
A well of rage boils up within me.
“No! You can’t make me see him! You can’t make me! NO! I say no!”
“Sage—”
“Don’t order me to,” I whisper to the only man in the room.
“No, I won’t,” he whispers.
I purse my lips and turn the other way, curling up. My dad? Mom?
“Please save Tammy and find my hippo. Please,” I whimper.
I feel the energy shift Nix’s way. In a determined, strong voice, Nix says, “Don’t worry. I’ll get them back. You stay healthy.”
Then he’s gone. And I feel it.
I curl in tighter and ignore everyone else that tries to talk to me.
Chapter Sixteen
They told me Tammy is safe. That’s it. They didn’t say where she went, they didn’t say what condition she was in, but they did say I couldn’t see her. I’m sure I’ll care more about that at some point, but right now I’m too focused on blocking everything out. But it’s hard with Nix here. He brings something out in me I try so hard to bury. Speaking of, he also got me my hippo back. I don’t know how. I said I’d do whatever he wanted as thanks for getting them back, but he went dark and said he wanted nothing but for me to get healthy and that he’d be back.
After that, I mentally vacated again.
A knock sounds on the door.
“Hi, Ms. Briar-Rose? My name is Brad. I’m with the FBI. Do you mind if I come and speak with you?”
As subtly as possible I glance up to see a tall man with an extremely muscular physique, copper eyes and brown hair. Unable to resist the man after months of being broken for doing so, I nod.
“Thank you,” he says in a professional tone, pulling a chair up on my left side to face me. I scowl at my sheets, but don’t let him see.
“You’re looking much healthier, Ms. Briar-Rose. Someone really hurt you, didn’t they?”
