by Bry Ann
“But… but he-he hurt me in the worst way possible.”
My eyes pool with tears. I feel small and oddly vulnerable right now. I curl myself up tight, making sure the hippo is close by.
Nix seems to sense my vulnerability, because he visibly softens and leans forward gently. The way a psychiatrist might when speaking with a patient.
“Unfortunately, love can’t be fully erased once it’s given. Trust me, I know this better than most. I understand.”
“But—”
“No buts, Sage. How do you feel? How do you really feel?”
“I…”
His pale blue eyes bore into me, waiting for a response. For some reason, unlike every other person who has pestered me for answers, I want to give them to him.
“I feel some sadness. It’s so sick. I hate myself for feeling it. But I think more than that, is…”
I glance up at him.
“Go on. I’m listening.”
“I’m angry! I’m so freaking angry!” Hot, angry tears flood my eyes. “He… he kidnapped me and forced me to become… he… I …”
“Say it,” Nix whispers, white knuckling the sides of his chair. “Come on, brave girl. Say it. He what?”
“He made me a sex slave.”
With a gasp, I collapse into the bed and cry. I just cry, solely for what happened to me. It’s been so long since I shed tears strictly for that reason. I still have no clue how long I was in hell.
“You’re safe now,” Nix tries to soothe.
It doesn’t work.
I rock back and forth. The sounds of me choking echo across the room. Nix moves. It’s not until I feel the bed shift that I realize he’s next to me.
“Look at me, Sage.”
I shake my head. Just let me cry!
“Please.” His voice is soft. It’s not a demand. He’s asking. He’s asking me. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been asked nicely to do something and not demanded or manipulated into it.
Slowly, I lift my head. I know my eyes are big and watery. My cheeks are blotchy.
“What?”
He smiles softly at me and takes my wrist, slowly flipping it. In it, he places the Kindle.
“Get lost,” he whispers. “Let Sage out of lock down for more than speaking with me. Let her imagine. Let her get lost, princess.”
I search his eyes.
“Nix,” I whimper.
“You’re safe, Sage.”
I curl my fingers around the Kindle and slowly bring it to my chest.
“I’m not gonna read it yet, but… but I’ll think about it. I’ll keep it with me.”
“I just ask that you consider it. Nothing more.”
I nod. The Kindle makes me want to cry all over again.
“So, I’m gonna sound like an ass here and ask you the question every woman hates, but I’ve told ya, I’m not a good guy.”
I glance at the one earring in his ear that I never noticed before. It’s kinda badass, like him.
“Okay.” I cringe. “Go for it.”
“Are you sleeping? You look dead tired.”
“Oh, I’m not offended. Are my dark circles really bad?”
He winces a little. “You are beautiful regardless of how tired you look.”
I roll my eyes and find myself smiling a little. If that isn’t the most ‘save your ass’ thing to say, I don’t know what is.
“But yeah doll, you look dead tired. Why aren’t you sleeping? Maybe that’s something you should discuss with the nurse.”
“No!” I yell immediately. “No, pl-please don’t!”
“Hey, hey, I won’t do anything without talking to you first.”
“Okay.” I slowly uncurl.
“So why don’t you sleep?”
I let out a very unfortunately timed yawn, probably triggered by the discussion.
“I’m free now, right?”
“Yeah?” He responds slowly, brows furrowed.
“In my sleep, I’m not.”
He nods. “It’s terrible for you and I think you should tell someone, but I don’t have to face those demons. It’s not my place to tell you how to handle yours.”
“Thank you. Really, Nix. I… you’re not my family. You’re not really anything to me, but… you saved my life and… um…” I blush a little. “You’re continuing, too.”
“Glad I can help. I should have sooner.”
“Why didn’t you? And side note,” — my stomach rumbles — “do you have food? Vegan food.”
He smiles and waves in my face. “Hey, Sage with preferences, not body with a voice, nice to meet you. You’re a vegan, huh?”
I know what he’s doing. Asshole. Why is he so insistent I bring her back?
I tighten my jaw.
“This affects other beings! It isn’t about me.”
“It’s about what you believe. Veganism is a system of beliefs, of morality, that you adhere to. That Sage adheres to.”
“Do you have the food or not?” I snap, being sure to give him the coldest possible shoulder I can.
The left side of his mouth curves up. “I have beef jerky in my pocket?”
I throw my hands in the air. “What is up with you and beef jerky?”
The sound of his deep laughter fills the room. “It’s fast protein, doll.”
“Ugh, protein is overr—”
“Ms. Briar-Rose, I’m the resident psychiatrist. I was hoping to speak with you.”
He pauses a moment, taking in Nix and I.
“Alone.”
Just like that, my laughter dies. I huddle up in a ball. I can’t look to Nix to help me. I know he won’t. There’s nothing he can do.
“You heard him. Leave, Nix.”
“Sage, look at me,” he says in a low voice.
No!
“Sage…” His voice is more firm.
“What?” I snap, looking at him and frantically wiping my tears away.
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“He just wants to talk. Don’t hide.”
“I’m right here. Now go away.”
He stares at me for a long moment, then nods. “Alright, princess,” he says softly, “I’ll go. Want me to bring you some vegan food? I can go out right now and be back by the time you’re done talking. Something to look forward to.”
I feel myself soften a bit despite my rising anger. Doctors have been threatening me with a feeding tube since I’m highly underweight and have been refusing the nasty, hospital, gelatin-filled meals. They think I have a problem with food, but they don’t get that their food is my problem!
“Yes, please. If you don’t mind,” I whisper.
He nods. “I’ll be back.”
He gives the psychiatrist a look I can’t interpret and casually strolls out. Ever the calm one.
“How are you, Sage?”
I tuck my chin into my knees. “Fine.”
“I came to ask you a few questions. Is that okay with you?”
Like I have a choice. I just nod.
“Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? We are thinking of discharging you soon. I wanted to discuss options with you.”
My head perks up a bit. “Options?” I whisper. “I have options?”
His face softens. In his defense, the older, greying man does seem kind.
“Of course, Sage. I know you are having a hard time seeing your family, which we will discuss in a moment, but first I want you to know there is another choice.”
“Yeah?” I murmur.
“There’s a home. A place for girls like you, who have had people do very bad things to them.”
“No!” I respond immediately. “No. No. No. I’m not stupid. I lived it all. I just lived it all. I refuse to go somewhere where I have to live and breathe it all over again. I know you can, but please don’t make me. I’m begging you!”
I can feel my body shaking with fear and adrenaline. The doctor studies me for a moment.
“It could help to
see other girls who have been through what you have. To have people support you, who understand, Sage.”
“I just need Tammy. That’s all. I just need to see Tammy. She gets it. I don’t want to meet others.”
I can’t handle getting attached just to lose them.
“Tell me about your attachment to Tammy and Nixon.”
I bristle at Nix’s name.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve asked for Tammy nonstop since you arrived here and are trying to manipulate the doctors into telling you more about her. The only person you’ve spoken openly with is Nixon.”
“Yeah, so?”
The doctor smiles a little. “How would it make you feel if you never saw Tammy again?”
“That won’t happen,” I snap back immediately.
He nods, like he’s taking notes in his head. “We’ll get back to that in time. What about Nix?”
“What about him?” I snap.
“You’re very open with him. You barely talk with the staff, the nurses have reported that you’re not sleeping, you won’t see your parents, yet when Nix is here, you seem calmer and are very open with him. Why’s that?”
“Uh, he saved my life.” Duh.
“Sage, he’s a nineteen-year-old man you don’t know.”
A mountain of rage rushes over me. I squeeze my eyes shut and clench my fists.
“I know when a man wants to fuck me! He’s not like that. He doesn’t want that from me!”
“Sage, open your eyes. I didn’t say that,” he responds gently.
“No, you implied it! I’m not stupid. I know that implication well. I lived and breathed it. Let me tell you something…”
I can’t say anything about the night Nix let me, Pam, and Tammy sleep, and fed us. I intuitively know that would fare badly for him.
“Nix got me out. He talks to me. He… treats me like a normal person.”
“Expand on that.”
I slowly open my eyes. “On what?”
“Him treating you like a normal person.”
“He doesn’t treat me like a victim. He treats me like a person. Sage likes him. She… feels safe with him.”
The doctor seems more intrigued now. “You mean you?”
“Sort of. I mean Sage.”
He cocks his head to the side. “Are you not Sage?”
“Technically, but Sage is safe right now.”
“Safe? Can you explain that to me?”
I fiddle with the covers, letting my eyes flicker over to my Kindle once.
“She had to go away,” I whisper.
“Where’d she go?”
“Um…” I glance up at him. “Is this gonna get me locked up?”
He smiles softly. “No, Sage. Your honesty will help you.”
I nod. “It was so bad there after Pam died. Sage couldn’t take it. So I locked her away.”
I smile. It’s a furious, go-fuck-yourself smile.
“They could never touch her after that. They never got to her again. Never, ever.”
“How do you get her back?”
“She’ll know. The right time, the right person, the right space, she’ll come.”
“I…” He takes a breath. “And Nixon is that for you?”
“I don’t know. It’s more like…” I nibble on the side of my mouth. “It’s more like I know if she does find the right time, he’s one of the people she’d be safe to do it with.”
“Hmm, interesting.”
“A little, yeah.”
“I’m going to prescribe you some medicine for sleep.”
“Okay.” I won’t take it. No way. I’m not reliving my worst nightmares over and over again, every single day. I’d rather be tired.
“And, between me and you, they are looking to release you in a couple of days long as you commit to eating and taking your meds. I think you should have a discussion with your parents before that happens.”
Avoid it ‘til I have to.
“Sure, okay.”
He smirks, like he knows what I’m thinking.
“I’ll be on the lookout for that report.”
I smile at him a little. He chuckles.
“I’ll check on you before you go home. Have a good rest of your day. Be good.”
“Thank you, doctor.”
He nods. I meant it, too. He was a lot better than I thought.
There’s a knock on the door and Nix pops his head in, making my heart leap with happiness and safety. Which is the biggest gift I could receive right now.
“I brought food. I really hope you’re hungry.”
My stomach rumbles on cue.
“I could eat,” I shrug with mischief in my eyes.
He laughs and throws a crazy amount of bags on the bed.
“Good, get to it. I gotta head out.”
“Oh, alright.”
I can’t keep myself from frowning.
“Hey, brave girl.”
“Yeah?” I glance up.
“Keep fighting, yeah?”
Thump thump thump. He’s saying goodbye. My eyes water immediately.
“Nix?” I whimper. “You’re never coming back? This is goodbye?”
He sighs and takes a step back in the room.
“Sage, I did my part here. I don’t know you, you don’t know me. You’re seventeen, I’m nineteen. This could start to look bad.”
“I know you wouldn’t do anything,” I whisper.
His jaw tightens. “Never, but… I’m not family. I need to let you make things right there. It’s what’s best for you.”
“Don’t tell me what’s best for me! You don’t know my father.”
He sighs. “I don’t?”
My eyes widen. “You know him? Wait, why didn’t you save me sooner? You never told me.”
“Two words: my father. But also, I wanted to be able to get you, Tammy, and Pam out. I’d already gotten Tammy out when you asked about her in the hospital.”
“What’s your father have to do with saving me?”
His eyes go so dark, become so full of pain and anger, I regret asking.
“Fucking everything! Everything I do he has a hand in.”
I look at my hospital gown clad legs. “That’s sad. I’m so sorry. Being controlled is the worst feeling in the world.”
“Yep,” he growls. “It really fucking is. I wish you the best, brave girl. Keep up the fight.”
“Wait, no. Don’t go!”
He freezes, back turned toward me.
“I really don’t have to take your orders,” he mutters.
“No, you just feel sorry for me.”
He grins over his shoulder and winks. I laugh and shake my head. I can’t help it. He’s ridiculous.
“Please stay and eat with me.”
“Sage…” he groans.
“Pleeeaaase.”
“Ugh! Why do you just torture me?”
“Cause you let me?” I grin.
He chuckles, turning back my way.
“You’re gonna get me in trouble, Sage.”
“I’ll have my dad get you out of it. Since you apparently know him somehow, you know he’s powerful.”
“You’d have to actually speak with him for that to happen.”
I open one of the bags and pull out a burrito. Oh my God. A burrito. I can’t remember the last time I had good food. I frantically unwrap the burrito. I’m quickly moving it to my mouth when Nix’s hand comes out of nowhere and snatches my wrist.
“Sage, remember what happened last time I fed you? Take it slow. I was kidding. This isn’t all for today, Jesus. It’s for the rest of your stay.”
“That’s torture, Nix.”
He laughs and slowly releases my wrist, but hesitantly.
“Don’t throw up. You’re already so… delicate.”
“Wow, tired, delicate. Please stop flattering me, I might get cocky.”
He snorts. “I say it like it is. I haven’t mentioned the bruising yet, so consider yourself lucky.”
“You’re too kind.”
“I told you, I’m not a good guy.”
“Oh, shut up and sit down, Nix.”
Chapter Eighteen
Charles Briar-Rose
One Day Later
“This is fucking ridiculous!” I roar at the staff, while Molly paces beside me. “I haven’t seen my daughter in over a week. I find out she was on drugs in some suspected sex ring. I was only allowed in her room for all of one second where I found her bruised, beaten, and vomiting. What am I supposed to do, wait until she’s released into my care to see her? I have no clue what the fuck to do.”
“I’m sorry, sir. She’s… fragile right now. The only person she’s open with is Nix, but other than that, she’s quiet and only responds when necessary. She spends most days staring at her Kindle and cuddling her stuffed hippo. She mentioned to the psychiatrist something about Sage being locked away. She’s still asking constantly about the other woman that was with her, Tammy. Based on her reaction to seeing you initially, we’re scared your presence will overwhelm her and send her back. We’re trying to prevent her from shutting down completely. We’re trying to respect her wishes, but she is still a minor. I… we can’t technically do anything but highly recommend you stay away.”
I grit my jaw. The old me would have stormed into her room, fuck what she wants, but I’m trying to be better. I mean, what the hell has she been through?
I don’t know how to wrap my mind around the fact that my daughter, the little girl who fought me tirelessly for years to carry vegan pancake batter in the house was trafficked. Was drugged, sold for sex. I just… can’t. How does a father, even a terrible one, wrap his mind around that? How does he reconcile with the fact that it’s all his fault?
“Charles?” Molly whimpers.
The tears in her eyes echo how I feel.
“I want to speak with Nixon.”
The nurse's eyes go wide. “I… I don’t think I can personally initiate that. He was here yesterday.”
“Fine. I can handle it.”
The nurse fidgets. “What is it?” I snap.
“Sage has put on a couple pounds since he started staying to talk to her. Someone heard her laughing the other day. Laughing. I’d be the first to punch him in the face, but… he did save her life. He’s helping her. They’ve connected in some weird way, bonded over shared experiences. She’s always bossing him around and he just does it. It’s not my place to ask, but…”
