Shattered (Shattered Duet Book 1)

by Bry Ann

  Sage is all about self-preservation, and I know if people quit on her, which is how she’ll view being sent away to treatment, she’ll lock Sage up and throw away the key.

  Now, I won’t do anything until she turns eighteen. It’s not my place. But that’s only four months away.

  Time to think. Time to plan. But for the first time in my life, I’m planning with someone else. Because I want Sage to have a say in her life, and I’m gonna give her that. These next four months, she’s got to give to someone else; it’s inevitable, but after that, the rest of her life is hers. And I’m gonna help her discover and manage that.

  But first, I have to drive ten minutes away, call my father and calm that shit storm.

  Sage can never know who I truly am.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Sage

  Four Months Later

  It’s been four months since I was sent to Arizona for treatment. Four months ago, this would have made me quit. Made me feel like I had no say in my life. Made me take Sage, shut her away, and keep her safe from this world.

  If it weren’t for Nix.

  That day at the hospital, after my parents came in and spoke at me, told me they were getting me help, Nix came back.

  “I can’t do anything until you’re eighteen, Sage,” he told me. “It’s… wrong. You are in your parents’ care and the last thing I want is to seem like some kind of creep. It’s not my place to step in here.”

  I remember my heart sinking. My voice crawling right back into that box I keep my heart.

  But then he kept talking…

  “But you’re eighteen in four months, Sage. Then your life is yours. What if I promise at eighteen to help you set up your life however you want? Not a day over. Can you promise to hang on for four short months? Can you promise when I come see you again, Sage will still be there?”

  My mouth opened and closed.

  “What are you saying?”

  A glorious smirk appeared on his lips as he leaned forward to place his elbows on his knees.

  “You have four months where you have to be obedient. Then you can raise all the hell you want. And I’ll help you.”

  Hope fluttered in my heart.

  “But Dad’s still gonna send me away?”

  “It’s what he thinks is best, so yes. But the day you turn eighteen, I’ll come break you out.”

  “Promise?”

  “I swear, princess.”

  Then we plotted.

  Pinky promised to hold our ends of the deal.

  And went out into the world to see it through.

  “You turn eighteen tomorrow. How do you feel about that? What are your feelings on being moved to the adult unit? Are you scared?” my therapist asks gently.

  Nope, ‘cause I won’t be here. Not that this place is awful. My dad really did look for the best of the best. It softened my heart to him a bit. It’s become obvious he put heart into his choice. The place offers vegan options at all meals. There’s a library. Only eight girls are allowed at any one time. They specialize in women who have been trafficked. It’s more of a home than a ritualized treatment structure, which I really appreciate.

  But it’s still not right. It’s still not home. It’s still not allowing me to move forward. It’s keeping me trapped in the past, over and over again reliving what happened. I haven’t picked up my Kindle, let alone a book. How do they expect me to let Sage free when they want to talk about my feelings and experiences over and over again? When I’m hearing other girls who were broken in this way, reminding me of Tammy and Pam, the only women I really want to see, but can’t because the men who they keep wanting me to talk about broke or, in Pam’s case, killed them?

  I shrug, quickly remembering my promise to Nix to always use my voice. That he wouldn’t do shit if I wasn’t eating or speaking when he came to get me.

  “I’m fine with it.”

  I tighten the arms I have wrapped around my legs.

  “Fine? It doesn’t make you at all nervous? Sage, you get out what you put in and you still haven’t really talked about what happened in detail.”

  Why did they need detail?! Why do they want to know that?

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry, Sage. It’s not about guilt or shame—” Oh, but she isn’t trying to guilt me, right now? Come on. “—but we can’t help you if you don’t let us.”

  “I… can I have today off?” I whisper. “It’s my birthday tomorrow. Can I just… not talk about all the bad stuff?”

  “What does the bad stuff bring up for you?”

  “Please, Jerri, I just want one day. Just one.”

  “What about tomorrow, on your actual birthday?”

  I won’t be here. I hope. I haven’t seen Nix in these four months. Just my mom and dad so we can “work on our relationship”. I’ll admit, that’s one good thing to come from here. I’ve had a place to be mad at them in a healthy way, and, not that I fully forgive them and we’re tight or anything, but we’re not as distant. I care about them in a way, but I’ll never need or trust them. Mom’s fine with that, but Dad, I don’t know, he’s still really trying to build a bond with me. He won’t quit on me. I don’t get it. I’ve tried everything to get him to stop. I guess tomorrow will be the ultimate test.

  I pray Nix wasn’t feeding me bullshit in that hospital. He has to know how that would break me.

  “Can I ask you something?” I whisper.

  “Sure, Sage.” Her voice is bright. Two questions in one session is huge. I always obey, obey, obey. I speak, but have no voice. I’m using it now and I’m sure she’s over the moon about it.

  “Have I… gained weight? Do I look better than I did when I came in?”

  She visibly bristles. “That’s an interesting question, Sage. Why do you ask?”

  “A friend of mine may be coming. And… I want him to know I’m eating food again.”

  The therapist chuckles lightly. “That’s an interesting thing to hope for, after all you’ve overcome in the past four months. Tell me about your friend.”

  She smiles genuinely and, in a way, it makes me like her a little more. She’s not asking about my feelings or my past or the fact that he’s a man, she’s just having girl talk with me and it feels really good.

  “He isn’t vegan and I was on him about it, so when I wasn’t eating, he got mad ‘cause he tried to eat less beef jerky for me.” Her eyes light up. I just don’t know why. “I’ve eaten kind of a lot, I think. I’ve tried to, so I hope I look… better.”

  She softens. “You look fantastic, Sage. Your skin is brighter and has color. Your hair and nails have grown. Your eyes are clearer. You look lovely.”

  “I’m not as bony?” I murmur.

  “No, Sage. You look much healthier.”

  “Okay, good.”

  “Tell me more about your friend.”

  I shrug. “He’s nice.”

  “How’d you meet?”

  “Uh…” I freeze. He paid for the night with me, but really just wanted information, ya know? Oh, he saved my life, too. Over and over. “It’s a long story.”

  “You want to keep it to yourself?”

  I nod.

  “Okay. Well,” she grins widely, “I have an idea for today’s session! Do you want to go out and get a hair trim and manicure? You think you can handle that?”

  “Really? We can do that?”

  “It’s your pre-birthday. Sage, part of life is having fun and indulging in you.”

  “I’d really, really like that.”

  “Fantastic! Let me speak with the psychiatrist, but I can’t see it being a problem. You can have some free time ‘til I get back.”

  And it is approved, so I get to spend my last day of treatment getting my hair and nails done. Luckily, it’s a spa affiliated with the treatment center, so it’s quiet and secure feeling, because I didn’t realize how terrifying being in the real world would be. Other than the hospital, Nix’s home, or my parents’ house,
I haven’t been anywhere since being taken and sold for sex.

  For the first time, I really do utilize Jerri’s support. Every sound, every time the scissors get close to my face or the nail file slips and scrapes my skin, I whimper and beg my mind not to fly away.

  It’s Jerri who so expertly brings me back every time.

  She’s good, but maybe I’m feeling more positive about her ‘cause I won’t be stuck here anymore starting tomorrow. It’s always easier to appreciate something when you aren’t being forced.

  Trapped by age or circumstance.

  Day three of no sleep. This is around the time I lose it and go into a coma, but I can’t tonight. I want to be awake as soon as possible. I need to hear when he comes. This place isn’t big. I will hear him. But my eyes are fighting me. My body’s fighting me. It needs to rest. I swear I can see Pamela dancing even though she’s crushed against my side in a death grip.

  I keep staring straight ahead. One, two, three… this is so boring. I vaguely remember starting ‘Dark Light of Day’ at Nix’s. That feels so long ago, but man, it made the darkness of the night go by faster.

  “Sir, you can’t be here. The girls are sleeping.”

  “Unless you’ve worked miracles, I guarantee she’s not,” his cocky voice rings out.

  Nix.

  He’s right! I’m awake. I run over to the clock.

  12:00 AM.

  He came right at midnight for me.

  “Sir, it’s midnight,” the tech hisses.

  “I’m not ‘sir’, and I don’t mind waiting. I can be patient, ma’am.”

  I quickly run my fingers through my hair, check the button-up, satin pajama set I hate, and run out into the quiet, modestly decorated lobby.

  “I’m not asleep.”

  “Hey, princess.” I can almost hear the smile in his voice even if I can’t see him yet. It’s too dark. “Glad to hear your voice.”

  My heart sure is happy to hear his.

  I pad forward into the barely lit reception area. He’s really here. He seems taller than before. More serious. There are lines etched by his eyes now, aging him only slightly. He’s got light scruff, but he’s still in cargo pants and a t-shirt.

  Then the bracelets. That’s how I know it’s really him and my eyes aren’t deceiving me.

  “You came for me,” I whisper, feeling my eyes well with tears. I can’t remember the last time I cried. “Can… can I hug you?”

  His shoulders soften. It’s then that I realize all the tension he always carries.

  “Sure, brave girl. Go on ahead.”

  “This is… this is against the rules! You can’t be here!” the tech shouts.

  Nix rolls his eyes. “Tell on me, then.”

  I take two steps and wrap my arms around him. There’s a moment of panic. He’s a man. My body only knows the touch of a man as bad, and I stiffen, but then he pats my shoulder in a sort of half-hug and I know I’m okay.

  “Thank you,” I squeeze tighter for a moment, panic, and let go. “I can’t believe you remembered.”

  All of me hoped he’d come, but a lot of me thought he wouldn’t.

  “Of course I remembered, Sage. We made a deal. It appears you held up your end. You’re talking and, well, you look beautiful, doll.”

  The strangest thing happens. My cheeks slowly start to heat and I can’t look at him.

  “Uh, thanks.”

  He chuckles. “Okay, you don’t like compliments. Noted.”

  Well, it’s not that I don’t like them…

  I obviously don’t say that. I just bite my lip.

  “Wanna get out of here or you wanna stay? It’s up to you. That was our deal. You’re eighteen. You get to choose what you want now. I’m just here to help. It’s all your choice from here on out, Sage.” He pauses, blue eyes boring into me. “You’re in control.”

  All it takes is those words for everything to give way. My legs give out from underneath me and I momentarily black out.

  “Woah!” I hear as I crash to the ground.

  Hands slip under me.

  I teeter between the dark and the light, but this time I choose the light as I fight to get my awareness back. I blink a couple of times, only to be met with smug, clear blue eyes.

  “Hey, you’re back. I guess that was a lot to take in.”

  “Yeah.” I groan and push up into a sitting position. I’m on a couch now. Don’t know how I got here. The tech is fluttering around, indignant.

  “This can’t happen. I called the on call staff. Sage, you are not ready to leave, but you are welcome to visit with your friend in the morning.”

  “No, Beth, I’m eighteen now. I don’t have to stay.”

  “Really, Sage? People would kill for the opportunity to come here. To heal! And you’ve just been buying time.” She shakes her head, making shame ricochet through my system. “That’s pretty low of you to—”

  “Are you a patient here?” Nix cuts in in a deadly low voice. “Have you had to endure the things the women here have?”

  “Well… I… that’s…”

  He holds up a hand. “I’ll take that as a no. So what gives you the fucking right to judge her for her choices? She’s talking, eating, her skin has color, she’s put in work, so unless the next words out of your mouth are an apology, she doesn’t wanna hear it.”

  He turns back to me, who’s pretty much spluttering like a fish.

  “You okay?”

  ‘Uh… I’m… yeah, really, it’s okay.”

  He levels me with a glare. “I know what you look like when you place shame on yourself, Sage, and her words… you took ‘em in.”

  “Pamela missed you,” I blurt out, desperate for a topic change. The smile on his face at that makes my insides rattle.

  “I really, really fuckin’ missed her too, princess.”

  Why does it feel so different with him this time? Why are my insides so… quivery?

  “I wanna go. I’m ready to move forward.”

  He smiles warmly at me. “Then that’s what you’ll do. Go get packed. I’ll take care of everything else.”

  Stupid tears again.

  “Thanks.” I point my thumb the other way awkwardly. “I’m just gonna go do that.”

  He smirks at me, eyes dancing. “Go on, then. I’ll be here.”

  “‘Kay.”

  “‘Kay.”

  I do an awkward two-finger wave and run off before I say or do anything else stupid. I can’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling as I throw all my stuff in bags. I feel like I’m floating. I hear frantic voices in the lobby, but I phase it out. I don’t want anything to ruin this feeling right now. This is happiest I’ve felt since I was stolen away and broken.

  “So, when you said your friend was coming tomorrow, I didn’t think you meant literally at the midnight hour.”

  I freeze and wince.

  Jerri. She’s the on call staff? Really?

  “I’m sorry.”

  Tears flood my eyes. I don’t know why, but I feel so much shame right now. I’m drowning in it. My happiness is gone as fast as it came.

  I hear footsteps and then an exhausted-looking Jerri is seated on my bed.

  “Can you tell me what you’re feeling right now, Sage?”

  “I feel guilty. I didn’t want to cause problems for anyone. I just wanted to slip away quickly.”

  “I’d be very upset if I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye, Sage. You are not a problem. Yes, I’d prefer this was done in the morning,” she smirks, “but you are worth coming down for. How do you feel about him coming right at midnight?”

  There’s this twinkle in her eye I don’t understand.

  “Uh…” My cheeks start to heat so I quickly turn back to packing. “It was really nice.”

  “No, how does it make you feel?”

  My eyes start to water. “It makes me feel like I matter.”

  “Can you look at me, Sage?”

  I slowly turn her way, wrapping my arms around my st
omach. “I don’t think you should go. You’ve come so far and there’s still so much more I’d love to have the chance to work through with you, but you are eighteen. I know you didn’t come here because you wanted to. It is your choice what you do now. You’re an adult.”

  “Am I a bad person if I leave?”

  “Staying or leaving doesn’t have an impact on who you are as a person, Sage. You are a good person no matter what you do or don’t do here. Do you understand?”

  “I wanna go,” I whisper. “I’m sorry. I know other girls want to come here and it’s not fair that I never made the best of this. I just, I never wanted to come. I don’t want to relive it, Jerri. I wanna try to be free. I feel suffocated here.”

  I chance a look at her.

  “I’m sorry.”

  She shakes her head. “I know, Sage. You’ve come a long way here, but your heart’s never really been in it. The last thing any of us want is to cause you more pain. Sometimes we all just need a little support.”

  “I’m really grateful for all you guys have done for me. Especially you. I didn’t think I’d get anything good out of coming here, but I did. I talked more and I ate more, and you took me to get my nails done.”

  I smile at her.

  “But I’m ready to go now. I can’t hear about the bad stuff anymore. How am I supposed to be free if I’m constantly reminded of the time I wasn’t?”

  “Sometimes it helps to discuss it, Sage. Purge it from your system. You’ve never talked about it. With anyone.”

  “It won’t help me.”

  “One day, you’ll tell someone. Whether you slip and need help or you find someone you trust to pick up the pieces after you shed your story bit by bit in one shattered mess, you’ll tell. Because bottling it up inside you will kill you eventually, and Sage, I have a feeling, of all the things you are, a survivor is definitely at the center of it.”

  “I—”

  “You don’t have to say anything. You don’t understand yet, and that’s okay. This place will always be here if you need us.”

  “I won’t be able to afford it without my father and he’ll definitely be done with me after this,” I mutter.

  She chuckles. “He’s not going to be happy, but he loves you. Love forgives even when we don’t agree.”