by Bry Ann
He doesn’t really love me though. He just thinks so ‘cause I was taken. This is a phase. I don’t say that, though. I just zip up my bag.
“So, I assume I have to sign AMA papers.”
Jerri sighs. “You sure you want to do this? The world will still be there when you’re done here. This won’t last forever.”
“I need to do this. My dad sent me here and I had no choice. If I get help, it’s gonna be when and with whomever I want. Sorry. I… I need to see if he still loves me if I go. I need to do this. It’s my choice.”
Remembering Nix’s words, I look down and whisper, “I have control of my own life now.”
Realizing I’m not going to change my mind, Jerri nods. “I understand. Let’s get you situated. If you ever need me,” — she slips a card into my hand — “call me. Money or not, I’ll see what I can do.”
“Thank you, Jerri. I’m sorry. It’s not you or this place. It’s just… me.”
“Don’t apologize. You have to do what you think is right.”
I grab some of my bags and hook ‘em over my elbows. Jerri grabs the others.
“Ready?” She smiles at me, even though I can see her worry.
“More than.”
I need this.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Twenty-Four Hours Later
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
“Let me in right the fuck now, Nixon!”
I squeak and scamper back into Nix’s couch, pulling the blanket up to my neck. The sound of my dad’s roaring voice has other voices inside my head screaming.
“262! GET THE HELL OVER HERE! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? You have a job. Get dressed!”
“Sage.” Hands land on my knees. “Look at me.”
I squeeze my eyes tighter and shake my head.
“Sage, I need you to get out of that place and see me. Can you look at my bracelets?”
Slowly, I peel an eye open, then the other, staring at the leather wrapped around his wrist. I still haven’t asked why he always wears them.
“Good girl. I’ll handle your dad. Don’t be scared.”
“He’s gonna be so mad at you. He’s… he’s gonna be your enemy. He can hurt your life. He has so much power. He—”
“Sage. I have lots of enemies. And no, he can’t hurt my life. I simply won’t let it happen. Don’t you worry.”
“But—”
“Shhhh….” More pounding, more yelling. I flinch back. “Is it your dad?” Nix asks, when he has to steady me after jumping so much I nearly fall off the couch.
“I don’t like yelling,” I whisper. “It reminds me of them.”
Nix’s jaw sets in a firm line. “Why don’t you go to my room? I’ll talk to your dad and call you when he calms down. I have headphones on my dresser. Put ‘em on. Okay, doll?”
I nod. He helps me up by the elbow, which makes my heart tingle in a weird way. I jump out of his hold and scamper over to the room, quietly closing the door behind me. I look at the headphones. I should put them on. I really should, but my curiosity is too strong. Even if I really don’t want to hear this.
“Where the fuck is my daughter, Nixon? You checked her out. Are you kidding me? I will fucking end you! If she—”
Nix cuts him off, calm as ever. Like being screamed at and threatened like this is a part of his everyday life.
“First, I didn’t check her out. She checked herself out.”
“But you drove her!”
“Yes.”
“I want to know where she is!”
“And I’ll tell you. When you calm down.”
“Don’t tell me what to do, Nix!”
This is the angriest I’ve ever heard my father and that’s really saying a lot.
“This isn’t about me showing you up, Charles,” Nix says fluidly. “It’s about her. You think going at her like this will help your relationship. You’ll scare her, and I simply won’t let you do that. For both of your sakes.”
“You’re not her guardian!”
“No, I’m sure as hell not. She’s an adult now, Charles. She can’t be controlled. Not by you, not by anyone.”
“Are you… are you sleeping with my daughter? After all she’s been through? You fucking piece of shit!”
The room goes quiet. So quiet all I can hear is my frantic, skittish heartbeat. When Nix speaks again, the tone of his voice has my eyes tearing up. It’s like my soul can read his and it’s searing with pain.
I’m already headed for the door.
“You think I’d do that? Have I done one thing to earn that kind of question from you, Charles?”
“Dad, stop!”
I stand, legs spread, hands fisted. “Stop being mean to him. I asked him to help me.”
“Sage.” His eyes flicker over me a couple of times, like he’s checking for injury. Or trying to see if I’m real. One of the two.
“What are you doing, Sage? What the hell are you doing? You’re killing me.”
I feel my heart soften toward him fully for possibly the first time. I finally see it. The worry on his face is real. My mom may not be here, but he is. Since Nix saved me, he’s always been here.
Does he deserve a second chance? Is it naive to give him one?
“Can we sit?” I ask softly. “Please, Dad.”
He hisses out a breath, forcing himself to get control of his anger.
“Please give me a chance to explain. Please.”
I beg him with my eyes, but he’s still struggling. He’s so used to people listening to his orders without question. So I have to use the one card I have.
“You want a relationship with me again, but you won’t even listen when I try to tell you how I feel, Dad,” I murmur.
His head snaps up, eyes slightly confused.
“I’m trying to open up to you. I don’t have to do that. I don’t owe you that.”
He sighs, but moves to sit on the couch.
“Alright, I’ll hear you out, but I’m not happy.”
“I understand. Just… give me a chance.”
“I’m sitting,” he grumbles. “Go on. Explain to me what the hell you were thinking. Midnight, really?”
I grimace. “Yeah, that was a little excessive, but” — I look down and smile to myself — “it felt good, Dad. I got to be totally free. I made a choice and did it, and Nix came for me. He remembered me. It was the happiest moment of my entire life.”
Dad lets out a look between a grimace and a softening of his features.
“Why? I got you the best care possible. I did everything I could to make sure it was a place you would feel comfortable.”
“I know. That’s why I’m trying to talk to you now. I didn’t have a voice to speak four months ago, and you didn’t have an ear to listen. I need to be free, Dad. I just got out of hell. I didn’t want to be sent away. I was trapped all over again.”
“It was to help you! So I don’t lose you, Sage!”
“You won’t lose me. Dad, I don’t get it. You never wanted me, so why now? Why are you trying so hard to fix things?”
“Sage,” he sighs, glancing at Nix, who is awkwardly hovering in the doorway of his room and the living room where we are.
“Should Nix stay or go?” I ask my dad for Nix, who sends a grateful look my way.
“Either way. Whatever. It won’t make it easier for me either way. Sage,” he looks at me, and for the first time I don’t see ruthless power there. I see pain.
He squeezes his eyes and sighs.
“Did you know I was an orphan?”
My eyes widen.
“No. I… I didn’t.”
“Yes, I was. I vowed to myself I’d be better than my circumstances one day, and in a lot of ways, I sure as hell am. Except for one very important aspect of my life.” He pauses. “You.”
My eyes widen further.
“Yes, Sage, you. I was so building busy an empire, proving myself to parents who I never even knew, that I forgot to be a parent. I forgot I had the
most important thing I could ever have already. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until you were gone, and I couldn’t find you, that I noticed it. I’m not claiming I even know how to be a parent, but I sure as hell know how to fight. And more than anything else, you are the most important thing I’ve fought for.”
I don’t know what to say. I just stare at him with my mouth open.
“Why didn’t you say any of this in our family therapy sessions?” I half-laugh, half-cry. Some of the tension leaves his shoulders as he lets out a deep laugh.
“Your mother and I don’t discuss this,” he mutters.
“What?” I gasp. “How can you be married to someone and not discuss something as important as this?”
I catch myself immediately.
“Sorry that’s inappropriate.”
“I love your mother very much, Sage, but no, neither our relationship nor either of us are perfect.”
“I need you to accept my decision to leave treatment,” I say finally. “I need you to do that.”
I look in his eyes, letting him see my determination. The lack of choice I’m giving him for once.
“I can’t accept it. I’m angry at you, Sage, and I’m worried for you. But I still love you. And I’ll still be here for you. Can that be enough?”
“Yes, let’s agree to disagree.”
“Are you… okay?” he mumbles. “What’s your plan? Do you need anything?”
All good questions.
“I’m figuring things out right now, but I’ll let you know, if that’s okay.”
“Of course.” He nods. “You’re staying here?” He cocks an eyebrow.
“Just ‘til I figure things out.”
My dad’s eyes flash to Nix.
“Hey, he’s just helping me until I get my feet on the ground. You have to know that me going to your house isn’t a good idea.”
“Our house,” he mumbles.
“It’s never been my house.”
“Do you even know what Nix does, Sage?”
I don’t have to look at Nix to know he’s stiffening.
“He’ll tell me in his own time.”
“Yeah, well,” Dad stands to leave, straightening his suit. “I have to get going. I have a meeting. There’s a hotel your mother has her eye on, but you may want to ask him before you get… attached.”
He levels me with a look.
“I’ll be back soon. You have my number. Bye, Sage. I love you.”
“Bye, Dad.”
His shoulders fall slightly when I don’t tell him I love him back, but I’m not ready to do that. Not yet. He doesn’t get to erase years of pain with a few months of effort. It’s not that easy to earn my love. Not anymore.
Once the door shuts and my dad is long gone, I turn to Nix.
Our eyes meet.
My heart pounds.
“Nix, should we talk?” I ask him softly.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“Nix, should we talk?”
It’s clear from the look on Nix’s face that he’s been dreading this moment.
“Sage…” Nix mumbles, wearily.
I yawn. I can’t help how heavy my eyes feel. I know I’ve got those face-consuming dark circles going on.
“How about this?” Nix takes a seat next to me. “Tomorrow morning, we’ll talk over coffee and eggs… or oatmeal, rather, sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m back now. I’m gonna fix your pantry all up. I bet it’s filled top to bottom with freakin’ beef jerky, isn’t it?” I scold, throwing my hands on my hips.
His smile deepens. “No beef jerky, princess. Haven’t had any since you left. Not the regular kind at least. Any jerky you see in there doll is vegan.”
I search his eyes for signs he’s lying, but find none. My eyes start to flutter and I yawn.
“That makes me so happy. What was the plan again?”
“You sleep. We talk tomorrow.”
“Promise?” I yawn.
He sighs reluctantly. “Swear,” he mutters.
“Okay, I won’t sleep, but…” my eyes are already closing. This is the longest I’ve been without sleep. I’m going half-insane and I feel safe at Nix’s, so I know I’m lying. Based on Nix’s face, he does, too.
“Lie down.”
I go completely rigid and Nix catches it. “Fuck, Sage, I’m sorry. I meant so I can put a blanket over you and get you comfortable. I’m so embarrassed.”
His cheeks actually turn red! That makes some of the fear fizzle out of me.
“I’m going to bed. I’ll just let you… settle in.”
He practically runs out of the room.
Woah, he really is that embarrassed. I try to situate myself on the couch, but his face after the word slip keeps coming back to me. It was more than humiliation. It was like he hates himself for saying that. It was like it triggered him into a spiral of self-hate and shame.
I can’t let him feel that way. It’s really okay.
I climb off the couch and go to his doorway. It’s not really bedtime. It’s not even dark outside. Nix only went in his room so I can sleep, because I look so tired.
“Nix,” I whisper through the door, “can I come in?”
Silence, then… “Sage, I need a minute.”
The pain cuts at me.
“No, I’m coming in. Are… are you dressed?”
I hear him sigh. “Sage, I’m always dressed when you’re here, doll. If I need to change, I’ll use the bathroom.”
My heart practically leaps out of my chest and floats. I push the door open. He’s leaning against the headboard of his large bed, legs tucked under the covers, hair messy, like he’s been running his hands through it.
“Hi,” I whisper.
“What’s up?”
He won’t look at me.
“Nix, it’s really fine. You didn’t even say anything wrong. I just took it that way for a second ‘cause my mind’s messed up.”
“Okay.”
I frown. He literally looks like he hates himself. Not minor self-hate that crosses everyone’s mind at one point or another. No, deep-rooted, full-body, all-encompassing self-hatred that one learns from years of mistreatment and wrong decisions.
I take a few steps forward and stand next to him by the bed. I hesitate for a moment, then softly run one of my hands through his dirty blond hair, gripping the strands.
“What are you doing, Sage?” he murmurs, closing his eyes, reveling in my gentle touch.
“Talk to me.” I pull my hand out.
“It’s nothing you should concern yourself with.”
“I’m not a flower, Nix.”
“I know, brave girl. I know.” He sighs.
“Then—”
Before I can blink, he has my hips and is throwing me on the other side of the bed. I don’t even have time get my bearings before he’s throwing the covers over my body.
“Sleep.”
He starts to pull away. I’m not even thinking when I grab his shoulders, not letting him go.
“Sage, let go,” he demands quietly. “Please.”
“Talk to me, please,” I urge.
“Sage, I’m not good for you,” he whispers. “I’m actually so, so bad for you.”
“I need you. Don’t leave me.”
His eyes close. “I’m not the good person you think I am.”
“I don’t care.”
“I’ll hurt you.”
“And I’ll forgive you for it. Lie down, Nix.”
“What the fuck are you doing, Sage?” he murmurs, sounding dejected and scared. He’s still such a kid, wrapped up in the body of a very capable young man.
“Please.”
Slowly, he lies down. He goes back and forth between staring at me intently and closing his eyes like he can’t bear to look at me.
Testing it out with my hand, feeling his muscles clench, I lay my head on his chest and hold onto his arm with my arm.
And I close my eyes.
And sleep.
Slowly, my eyes start to flutter open.
“Urggg,” I grumble, reaching for a pillow and finding a face in its place.
I scream silently and shoot out of the bed, scrambling backward and tumbling over the edge onto the floor.
“Sage, hey, it’s me. Remember?”
Nix slowly crawls around and crouches in front me.
“You fell asleep, sort of… on me.” He winces and ducks his head to hide his face from me.
I take a second to reign in my frantic breathing.
“Nix, why are you punishing yourself? I fell asleep on you. Not the other way around.”
He tries to get away, but I grab his wrist.
“You promised to talk to me! You swore!”
He tenses. When I keep imploring with my eyes for him to keep his promise, he lets his shoulders fall.
“I believe I swore to talk to you over breakfast,” he mutters.
I smile at him. “How long was I asleep, anyway?”
I push up to my feet, as does he.
“Sixteen hours.”
“Sixteen hours!” I gasp. “Oh my God! And I just trapped you there under my stupid head the whole time! You should have moved me, Nix!”
He chuckles. “Probably could have. You were definitely sleeping hard enough. But... you looked so peaceful. I didn’t want to disturb you. Don’t worry, I had my phone. No problem at all.”
“Disturb me anytime. I feel awful.”
“In case you haven't noticed, I don’t like making you unhappy.”
I can’t stop myself from beaming at him. “I like you a whole lot, Nix.”
He just shakes his head, pretending to ignore me.
“I’m gonna shower, if that’s okay. I’m actually so gross. I’m sure you noticed since my greasy hair was on your chest.” I scrunch my face. “Eww, sorry.”
He chuckles. “I didn’t notice.”
“Woah, look at you being a gentlemen.”
“I try to be on my game for you.”
Something shifts in me when I look at him this time. Something has been shifting. It’s not just friendly banter for me anymore. Talking with him like this makes my stomach swirl.
“Kay, I’m gonna shower,” I whisper.
