by Bry Ann
“Sage?” he calls when I have my hand on the bathroom door.
“Yeah,” I whisper.
“Are we okay?”
My heart hammers. “Of course.”
“Sage?”
“Mmm…” I squeeze my hand on the wood.
“If you need to get away, you know I’ll cover your rent.”
“Isn’t that the problem though, Nix?” My voice is barely a whisper. “I don’t want to leave you.”
I quickly run into the shower and close the door, letting the tears of confusion flow. This has barely anything to do with my past. It’s simply confusion. Any time I’ve felt something for a man other than hatred, it’s led to my destruction. I don’t know how to handle this.
I end up crying more than I shower. I do my best to fix it, but I know my eyes are puffy when I leave the bathroom. Nix is fluttering around the kitchen, cooking everything with way more focus than necessary.
He hears me enter. He turns, dropping a spoon. His gaze lands directly on my puffy eyes.
I shrug. “Fuck you, Nix.”
Something like a sympathetic smirk graces his lips. “I can’t help my charm, doll.”
“I hate you.”
He walks forward. My belly swirls. My heart pounds. I’m gonna be sick.
His body is close to mine. He tilts my head up with his finger. Not saying anything. Just letting me see the genuine affection in his eyes. I can only take so much. I wrap my arms around him, squeeze, and tuck my head into his chest.
“Why?”
“I don’t know, Sage. I don’t know.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing,” he whispers, sounding pained.
“I should leave.”
“Yes, you should.”
“But I don’t want to.”
He doesn’t say anything for a long time.
“I don’t want you to, either.”
I let go and look at him with terror in my eyes. “Where do we go from here, Nix?”
“We eat breakfast, and you let me tell you who I really am. Once you know, you’ll leave.”
He sounds so sure. So absolutely sure, it pains me that he thinks if someone gets to know him, they won’t want to stay.
I cup his face and let my eyes speak for themselves.
Cause his sure do.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Nix
She looks so scared, so confused, but at the same, so trusting. She keeps looking at me like I can fix it. She doesn’t understand the fucking guilt I feel for liking her as more than a friend. For being attracted to her. Every time I think about her hair, her body, her deep green eyes in more than a clinical way, it makes me want to fucking punch myself in the face. This girl — woman — was kidnapped, sold, and violated over and over and here I am, being just like my father and lusting after her. Well, even I know it’s more than that. She’s just incredible. She’s funny, smart, subtly vengeful, and fun. I enjoy every second I spend with her. How come I have to like her?
It makes me feel slightly better that she’s struggling with the same thing, but I can’t stop that voice in my head.
“You think you’re better than me, boy.”
Dad points the gun at my mom. He doesn’t need to. She’s all too happy to kick me square across the face. I think making me bleed is her favorite pastime.
“You’re my son, Nixon. My fucking son! You’ll indulge in the same sins as me.”
He laughs wickedly.
“Martina, get.”
Then he fucks my mom. Whether she wanted to or not is still beyond me.
That sums up the biggest reason for my self-hate.
I’m my dad, and I need to be getting rid of Sage for that reason, not bringing her closer.
“Nix, your oatmeal’s getting cold.”
I shake my head and look at her. “Right.”
“Are you okay?” she whispers. “If you want me to wait, I will. I mean, I haven’t told you much either.”
“It’s different. You need to know. You need a reason to leave.”
“All I want to know is why you hate yourself?” she demands firmly, sounding so much like her father’s daughter.
“I don’t.” I try to smirk it off.
She doesn’t buy it.
She’s the first one.
“Don’t pull that on me. I see it in your eyes.” Tears well in her green eyes. “You hate yourself so much. Why, Nix? Who hurt you?”
I laugh bitterly. “It’s more the people I’ve hurt, Sage.”
She shakes her head. “There’s more to that story. I know your dad plays a part. Someone’s mind-fucked you. Someone broke you, too, Nix.”
She places her hand over mine to lessen the blow. It takes everything in me not to yank mine away, but I’d scare her if I did, so I hold my body rigid and accept her touch.
“I’m not broken, Sage. I’m trained to break. It’s much, much worse. I’m a fucking monster.”
“No.”
“Yes. You don’t even know me.”
“I’m trying to!”
“Fuck, goddamn, Sage, you’re so fucking stubborn.”
She purses her lips as I burst from my seat.
“I’ve killed people, Sage, and no, not just people like Sty and Marcus and Z. I’ve killed people who owed my father money. People just trying to get by. There are kids without parents ‘cause of me. There are people in debt ‘cause I finagled their bank accounts to get money for Aaron. I’ve lied, cheated, stolen, gambled, hurt, killed. I’m. A. Bad. Man,” I growl at her.
Why won’t she get it?!
Sage is quiet for a long time. Thinking. I watch her. Waiting for reality to set in. It does, I guess, but not how I expect. Her green eyes sharpen. Her muscles go taut as she pushes to her feet.
“I hear a common denominator in all that.”
I glare at her.
“Tell me about your father.”
Everything freezes. I swear I black out for a moment before I remember who I am.
“What about him?”
She walks forward, trembling slightly, which softens me. She’s scared of my anger, but trying to help me.
Her hand goes to my chest, but it’s shaking hard. That registers. I place my hand over hers and squeeze, letting her know to never be afraid of me, no matter what.
“Tell me, Nix. What did he do to you?”
I can’t look at her. “Stop, Sage.”
“No.”
I can’t help but laugh. “You’re so damn stubborn, woman.”
“Have you met my parents? I may be on bad terms with ‘em, but I’m still a Briar-Rose.”
I smirk at her.
“What else could you possibly want to know? Is that not enough for you?”
“Nope.”
She tugs on my arms, brings me to the couch and pulls us both into a sitting position. Then she grabs Pamela from the table where she left her, puts her in my arms, and nods.
“Now talk.”
The feelings that burst inside of me scare the shit out of me.
“Fuck!” I whimper, tucking my head into my legs and fisting my hands. “Fuck, Sage! What are you doing to me?”
She rushes to me and uncoils my hands, using all her strength. Her hand goes up and down my back.
“It’s okay. You can trust me.”
“I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to scar your mind.”
“Give me a chance to prove myself to you. Please, Nix.”
“My father, Aaron Marketta, is in jail for the murder of forty people, Sage. He’s a serial killer.”
Her jaw falls open.
“I have a mother. Who fucking hated me, because I’m Aaron’s son.”
Pain drowns her delicate features.
“Oh God, what did he do to you?”
Her shaking body scoots closer to me, wanting to offer comfort but not sure how.
“I’m not innocent in this, Sage. I’m his pet dog. I do what he says.”
&nb
sp; “Why? You hate it. Why do it?”
“Lots of reasons,” I mutter.
She grabs Pamela, who slipped in my lap, and thrusts her back in my arms.
“It’s dumb, I know, but she helps. Start with reason number one and work your way down.”
Inhale. Exhale. “One, I have a sister.”
“You have a—”
I hold up a hand. “I’ve never met her.”
She frowns.
“She doesn’t know I exist,” I say bitterly.
“How?”
“I lived with my mom. She lived with Dad.”
“Poor thing.”
“Yeah, poor fucking thing,” I mutter.
“Why do you not like her?”
“It’s not that I don’t like her,” I sigh. “I don’t even know her. I’m just jealous.”
“Oh. Why?”
“She’s got the perfect life. Well, not perfect, but… Aaron hid who he was from her! Until he was arrested, that is, but still. He was training me since birth to be him and she got to maintain her soul. She got to live abuse-free and I had to live with a woman who took all her anger for my father out on me, simply because his DNA runs through my veins. She’s perfect. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Beautiful. Smart. She has everything. We have the same parents, but she’s everything I’ll never get to be. I’m so jealous and I hate myself for it. It’s not her fault.”
“I’m so sorry.”
I look at Sage, finally. I’d been staring at the wall intently like it was a TV of my life. Tears are streaming down her face. When I move to comfort her, she holds up a hand and sniffles, wiping her face.
“I’m sorry. It’s not fair. You never had a chance. Yet your soul is still good.”
She sniffles again and leaps from the couch.
“I’m sorry. I’m being a really cliché emotional girl. I need tissues. Need anything? No, I’ll… I’ll get you stuff. You need stuff.”
Even with my heart searing with pain, I laugh. I mean, what is she talking about? When she gets back, she has so much shit in her hands I can’t help but laugh again.
“Sage, what the hell?”
“You need it,” she mutters, chucking it all on the couch. I just laugh as she flutters around the couch, putting stuff in places.
Tissues on the table.
Pillows behind each of us.
A big blanket to cover us.
A candle? For what, I have no clue.
A stress ball that her dad must have packed.
… and a fidget spinner.
“Did I forget anything? I think I forgot something.”
She’s dead serious. Hand on chin, staring at the couch setup with a frown.
“Sage,” I chuckle and pull her down. She yelps and collapses with her head on my lap. She looks up at me with those big eyes that hold so much affection.
“That’s enough for today,” I murmur, brushing her hair back once.
She looks vulnerable for a moment before she slowly turns to curl up on me. She looks back once to see if I’m gonna hurt her.
“I think you’re good. You’ve done bad things, but I have a feeling that the deeper I go, the more your reasons make sense, Nix. Be better now. You don’t have to keep following him.”
“Yes, I do. He’ll hurt people if I don’t. I’m his prized possession.”
“We’ll work on it,” she whispers. “And Nix?”
“Mmm.”
“You killed Z, Marcus, and Sty?”
I stiffen.
“I think I’m going to a very bad place for this, but…” She grips my thigh so tightly I get a glimpse of the pain buried deep inside her. “Thank you. You’re my hero. Now, no more talking. I just want to sit in silence for a while.”
She leans forward, grabs the lighter she placed by the candle, and lights the vanilla scented candle, then curls back in my lap.
“By the way, I saw your face when I brought all this stuff out. It’s called ambiance, Nix. Relax. You’ll like it.”
Yes, princess.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
One Year Later
“Ahhh! Help! Help! No.”
Sobs fill the house.
I leap from the bed to find Sage on the floor with the sheet wrapped around her. She’s kicking around frantically and crying. How did I not hear her fall?
“Sage? Babe. Come back to me.”
I look around for Pamela and don’t find her. Fuck. We left her on the couch watching Star Wars last night. I sprint off, grab her, and tuck her into Sage.
“Wake up, doll. Come on.”
“No, no, no,” she sobs. “Please, stop.”
My heart sears with pain. She rarely has nightmares, but unfortunately, Pamela not being close or sleeping too many days in a row can trigger them. She needs to be in a virtual coma to keep the nightmares away. She needs more help, but she’s refusing to speak with anyone about anything that happened. She barely leaves the house. Her dad and her are closer now. He comes by a lot and takes her out. We’re both working to get her comfortable with going out in the world. Sage and her mom aren’t close. I doubt they ever will be, but they’re amicable.
I’m still a criminal.
I still work for Aaron.
But that’s not something to talk about yet.
Sage needs me.
“Shhh, Sage. Shh.”
I know from experience, if I touch her, she’ll go completely rigid with terror. It’s heart-wrenching.
“Come on. Come back to me. Come on,” I murmur.
Her sobs start to quiet, and the kicking slows as her eyes flutter open and she squeezes Pamela tighter.
“Nix?”
She’s not fully awake, and I can’t understand it, but I’m her safe place and she frequently calls for me when she starts to wake.
“I’m right here. I’m right here.”
I take her blanket-wrapped form and pull her into me, rocking her slightly. She wakes up then. I know she does because she starts to sob against my chest.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” she keeps crying.
“Don’t be sorry, Sage. You have absolutely no reason to be sorry. I got you. Shhh, I got you. Talk to me, Sage. We never talk about this, and I never ask, but I’m asking now. Tell me about your dream. Just this one. We’ll start slow.”
“They won’t stop. They keep pounding into me like I don’t matter. I matter. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to be a whore. I didn’t. I’m supposed to be a Briar-Rose. How does Dad tell his friends, his daughter’s just…” Her nails dig into my skin, drawing blood I don’t really feel. “I’m just a whore. Over and over again they told me. You’re just a whore. You’re just a whore. I can’t stop hearing and seeing it!”
I bring her tighter into my chest. “You’re not a whore, angel. You’re not a whore. You’re a survivor. You’re the bravest woman I know. You amaze me.”
She continues to cry and I simply let her. She doesn’t cry over what happened to her enough. It needs to come out.
I rock her back and forth until her tears turn to hiccups and her muscles relax into me.
“I shouldn’t have slept so soon,” she murmurs.
“Sage, you need help.”’
Like I predicted, she flies out of my arms.
“You’re the one who helped me get out of treatment! Now you want me back in! I won’t do it. You said I have control of my life.”
“Sage, listen to me, babe. Okay?”
Her lips form a thin line, but she says nothing.
“I’m not saying I want you to leave. Not by any means. I want you to see a therapist once or twice a week. That’s it.”
“Is this you saying I’m crazy?”
“Sage,” I scold lightly, standing. Man is it really early for this. “Come on. You know what I’m saying. Stop making me the bad guy.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” I murmur, pulling her into my chest. “Get dressed. We’re going out.”
She s
tiffens slightly.
“Donuts, doll. A place near us has vegan options. Coffee and donuts, come on. Nothing better than that after the morning you’ve had.”
“I guess. Do they deliver?”
“No, Sage. We’re gonna go get them ourselves. I’ll protect you.” I wink. She rolls her eyes and throws a pillow at me.
“Now you asked for it.”
That leads to a tickle fight. She fights ruthlessly and ‘wins’.
I let her. She takes such pride in it.
“Schooled!” she yells, jumping back and pointing her finger at me. “Hahaha, I got you to quit.”
After the nightmare flashback, if letting her tickle me to death makes her smile in that way, it’s more than worth it.
Ten minutes later, Sage is at the door in an outfit that definitely doesn’t match, which I totally know she’s doing on purpose to spite me because she doesn’t want to — or rather is scared to — leave.
“Ready?”
“Yep,” she says with an eyebrow raise, daring me to comment on the state of her appearance.
“Lookin’ sexy, babe,” I tease.
She sticks out her tongue and flips me off with both hands. I chuckle as she climbs in the car. As soon as she’s buckled and I hit the gas, she goes rigid as she always does.
“Sage,” I say as I place my hand over hers, “it’ll all be okay. It’s just donuts.”
Famous last words.
Chapter Thirty
Sage
Even a year later, leaving the house makes my heart feel like it’s gonna beat right out of my chest. Nix is right. I do need help, but I’m terrified that if I open the door to my past, I won’t be able to close it. Every day, I feel more like Sage, and if I open that door again, she’ll go away again. I laugh now. I make jokes. I read. I eat. I talk. I stand up for myself. If I go back there, it’ll all go away. Nix doesn’t get it.
But… aren’t I going back there in my dreams sometimes anyway? In the moments I go outside?
As for me and Nix, I know. It’s been a year and I’m still here. We “plan” for me to get my own place, and it never goes through. Neither of us want it to, but we’re not really moving forward in our relationship thing either. We’re not together or anything. We touch for comfort, but never for affection, if that makes sense. I’m scared to initiate it and so is Nix, just for different reasons. Neither of us understand our feelings for the other. Neither of us know what it’s like to feel genuine feelings for the opposite sex in a safe way. But really, we just don’t understand love in general. I had Pam, though. She loved me fully and completely, and I’d never disregard that because of how we met. If anything, that makes her love more meaningful.
