The Sins That Bind Us

by Geneva Lee

“Thank you,” I choke out.

  “I’ll leave you two.”

  I take my place by his side, stroking his arm and calling him back to me. Max’s eyelids flutter as he comes out from the anesthesia. In a few weeks his whole world is going to change. At least he has a mother who understands that feeling. His bleary eyes light up when they finally find me.

  It’s okay, little man, I sign, I’m so proud of you. He asks if Jude is still here. I shake my head and he begins to tell me a story about how Jude was in the operating room. It takes me a few minutes to realize that he’s relaying a dream from when he was under.

  “He couldn’t stay,” I say softly, knowing that I’m not talking about a dream now.

  Max’s face falls, his lower lip trembling a little but he puts on a brave front.

  It’s time.

  Keeping Jude and Max separated isn’t protecting either of them. I’d wondered once what Max’s father would think if we showed up on his doorstep. I know now that Max will be welcome there. I can’t say the same for myself.

  Chapter 26

  Since finding Faith’s death certificate, I’ve made it a priority to visit Nana as often as I’m able. Each week I hope that she’ll be there waiting for me to arrive. I want answers that I doubt she’ll ever give me.

  Today, I bring Max. It’s the first time he’s been since his surgery, and despite some soreness, he’s eager to show off his implants at the home.

  “Good lord!” Maggie exclaims as she examines them. “Aren’t those cool?”

  Max grins at her even as he begins to sign.

  “He wants me to tell you that when the doctor turns them on, he’ll be able to hear you.”

  The countdown is on at our house and Max informs everyone he meets of that. Maggie and I shake our heads bemusedly as he darts from resident to resident.

  “I wish I had half his energy,” Maggie says with a heavy sigh.

  “And he just had surgery.” His resilience amazes me. Then again, Max has always amazed me.

  When we reach my grandmother’s room, I pause to gather my strength, but Maggie pushes me toward the door.

  “She’s having a good day,” she says. “Don’t waste time on worry.”

  Maggie bustles back down the hall, urging Max along. He skips through the door behind me and we find her sitting in her favorite chair. She’s not staring out the window though. Instead her eyes are bright and she holds out her arms.

  “Hello, Grace,” Nana greets me.

  I stare in stunned silence as she pats her lap and Max scampers over. For years, she hasn’t recognized me. She seemed to when I was here last, but this is different. Nana gives Max a book and he’s instantly absorbed.

  “I couldn’t always tell you two apart,” she admits as she runs her fingertips through his hair. “Is this your son?”

  This is a bigger test than I expected to face.

  “No, this is Faith’s son.”

  “And where is Faith?” she asks.

  She doesn’t remember everything. The death certificate is at home and now I’m glad she can’t remember receiving it. The simple, succinct facts of her death, typed in cold, black ink, will haunt me for the rest of my life. “Faith is gone.”

  It’s still hard to say it. It’s still hard to accept that not only is my sister gone from my life, but she’s never coming back.

  “Did she die?” Nana asks. It’s just like her to cut through all the unnecessary emotional torture.

  “Yes,” I say softly.

  “So now this is your son.” It’s not a question. It’s an accepted fact. I don’t know how to tell her that Max has always been my son—will always be my son. I don’t know how to tell her how much I’ve screwed up in the recent years and how much I’m still screwing up, even as I try to change. But more than anything, I don’t know how long I have her here with me. It’s bittersweet to be with her finally. I’ve spent so long wanting her to see me for who I was that now I’m desperate to have her remember me. The fact is that I don’t need to waste this precious time I have with her on my sins, I don’t need to beg her for forgiveness. When the time for retribution is at hand, it won’t be her there to sit in judgement of me.

  “I miss you,” I say.

  “I’m sorry, I haven’t been here, girly. I wish I could say I was here to stay.” She stretches her hand to mine.

  “I wish that too.” More than anything. “But I know you have things under control, Grace.” Her words are fierce. “You always have.”

  “Do you really believe that?” I ask her.

  “I know. I know you always carried the burden of your sister’s problems on your own back. Sometimes I feared that there was more to it than that. I’m sorry if I was hard on you growing up. I didn’t want to lose you, too.”

  I want to tell her that she never lost either of us, because part of me still wants to believe that pretty lie. But by tomorrow or within the hour or maybe in the next few minutes, she’ll have forgotten again. I need to stop telling lies to other people and especially to myself. Nana doesn’t ask me more about Faith. She doesn’t ask me how Max came to be under my care. She doesn’t ask me for a laundry list of every mistake I’ve ever made. Instead she asks me what I’m doing for a job and how Max is doing in school. I tell her that he’s only in preschool, then I tell her that he’s deaf.

  “I know that,” she says, her lips twisting into a rueful smile. “I do remember some things.”

  It soothes me to know some information reaches her. It’s a fact I’ll cling to when I come again and she looks at me with blank eyes. I’ll know that the important things get through to her, I’ll know that she knows who Max is at some level and that she loves him as much as I do. We catch up on years in minutes. I can’t get the stories out fast enough. I can’t tell her enough about what has happened in my life, and for the first time in a long time I realize that so many good things have happened over the last four years. Max has given me so many beautiful memories. I have an amazing best friend and an awesome life.

  “It isn’t perfect,” I tell her, “But it’s mine. I made myself a home that I’m proud of.”

  Our eyes lock and I see myself reflected in her. I see me, I see Grace.

  “What about the man that came with you last time?” she asks.

  “Some things really do get through!”

  “You don’t forget a man like that” Nana tells me. “Some things don’t change with age.”

  “No, you don’t forget a man like Jude. I wish I could sometimes,” I admit to her.

  She heaves a sigh. “Did he muck it up or did you?”

  “A bit of both.”

  “Did he cheat on you?” she asks.

  “No.”

  “Did he use you?”

  “Not really.”

  And he didn’t. Jude was as confused as I had been. We never meant to tell each other lies. It just happened. The truth had been too nebulous for far too long. Grace had been too lost. However, we had both lied and in doing so, we’d covered up a past that undermined any chance we had at a future.

  “Then why can’t things work out between you two?” she interrupts my thoughts.

  “It’s complicated.”

  “It’s always complicated between a man and a woman. Your papa, God rest his soul, was a good man but he sure knew how to fuck up sometimes.”

  I hang my head as we laugh.

  “He knew Faith,” I tell her.

  “And?”

  “And doesn’t that mean something? He came from her life.”

  “Did he give her drugs?” Nana asks.

  I check to make certain Max is still reading before I shake my head.

  “No, he tried to help her but he couldn’t.”

  “Then what are you afraid of?”

  I pause and take a deep breath to steel myself, because I know exactly what I’m afraid of. I know exactly why I pushed Jude Mercer out of my life. “I’m afraid I can’t be her.”

  Nana hand grips mine tightl
y. “No, you can’t be her, Grace. No matter how you try. It was never your job to replace her. Not for me, not for her son, and not for this ... what’s his name again?”

  “Jude.” It hurts to say it.

  “Jude,” she continues, not missing a beat. “Nobody. None of us want you to replace her. We want you. So what if this Jude knew her in the past. Is he here with you now?”

  “Yes. No. I don’t know. I’m the one who pushed him away.”

  “Then you need to be the one to say you’re sorry. It’s not a man’s job to fix everything, girly.”

  “What if he can’t forgive me?”

  “He already has. I don’t remember much, Grace, but I remember how he looked at you. That’s the kind of love that leaves an imprint. Believe me, you are that man’s everything. If he hasn’t already forgiven you, he will. But I suspect you don’t even have to ask.”

  I want to tell her more, I want to spill all the gory details, but I remember that time is precious. Instead Max shows her his sign language, and I translate for him as he reads her lips. She claps and gives him hugs. She dotes on him. It’s the closest he’s ever had to a family outside of me and Amie and Jude. Being with Nana, even for a few brief moments in this fleeting hour, reminds me that I want that for him. I don’t need a big family. I’ve never had one, but I want the family that I’ve chosen.

  The ones that are in my heart, and I can’t deny Jude Mercer’s place there.

  On the way home I turn up the radio, marveling that in a few weeks Max will be able to hear it. Between the medicine he’s still taking and the tireless energy he showered on the residents this afternoon, he’s already fallen asleep. I keep checking the rearview mirror as if he might disappear. His hand curls under his chin and I wonder what he’s dreaming about.

  A familiar melody curls from the speakers and I turn up the volume another notch, trying to place where I heard it before.

  Gray skies have left me nothing but blue;

  Been stuck here thinking thoughts of you.

  You were my sunshine.

  Now there’s only rain.

  You never were mine.

  Now there’s only pain.

  And I know now what I should say;

  I’ll always be here;

  I’ll always love you.

  Please, God, don’t take my girl away.

  Last night I dreamed you were here beside me.

  I woke to find my bed was cold and lonely.

  You were my sunshine.

  I should have told you

  You’ll always be mine.

  Wish I could hold you.

  And I know now what I should say;

  I’ll always be here;

  I’ll always love you.

  Please, God, don’t take my girl away.

  Jude’s voice begins to croon in my mind, drowning out the polished soprano pop star. The music fades into the deejay’s voice. “That was Piper Rose’s newest hit single: Don’t Take Her Away. I don’t know about you but that song guts me. Rumor has it that the song is about her ex-girlfriend…”

  I pull onto the shoulder and throw the car into park. Clutching the steering wheel, I try to center myself, but I can’t catch my breath. I know exactly who that song is about.

  “It doesn’t mean anything,” I say aloud, but I’ve been known to lie to myself.

  Chapter 27

  Jude agrees to meet me at Thai Gardens. It seems appropriate given that I’d brought him here to tell him the truth a few weeks ago. The restaurant is a physical dividing line between my life before and my life now. That night he had convinced me to leave my past behind, but that was the thing about the truth. It had a habit of coming out.

  This news will be shared on my terms.

  I arrive early and sit in a corner booth, ordering nothing but a glass of water. Waiting is always the hardest part. Of course, I suppose it’s a bit masochistic to show up a half an hour before the agreed-on time. Nothing about this situation is under my control, so if that means getting here early to stake my claim, so be it.

  Amie spent the afternoon in full-blown cheerleader mode, which is one of the only reasons I’m actually here. As much as I want to control this situation, I can’t predict how Jude is going to react. That thought terrifies me. We never actually sat down to talk after that terrible night. I played back the memory of those final few hours I spent with him, and somewhere past the pain and betrayal, there is love.

  The waitress appears and stares meaningfully at my glass. “Would you like to order something else?”

  “I’m waiting for someone,” I tell her. It’s not like this place is busy on a Sunday night.

  Sunday.

  My thoughts drift back to what Sunday used to mean. I hadn’t consciously chosen this day of the week to meet up with Jude, but maybe somewhere deep down, I was acting out of habit.

  “I see you’re still intent on expanding my horizons.” Jude appears behind the waitress, and I swallow, trying to digest the sight of him. He doesn’t look like himself but somehow he looks better. No t-shirt, no jeans, not even a button down. Tonight he’s wearing a suit, one of those three piece numbers that cuts away to showcase his lean, muscular form. It’s obviously been made for him.

  Of course, I used to think I was made for him too. “You…um…you’re…” I search for the right thing to say.

  “I’m overdressed,” he answers for me.

  “Yes, but you look good. I mean, the suit looks good.” Oh, just shut up, I command myself.

  Jude grins, but it’s not the wide, expansive smile that usually lights up his whole face. This one is tainted with hesitation just like everything about our relationship.

  “I had a meeting in Seattle,” he tells me as he slides into the booth.

  “Oh, I didn’t know you were out of town.” It’s a stupid thing to say, given that I know nothing about his life right now.

  “A few record executives are in town. They expect Piper Rose’s new album to go platinum, which apparently warrants free lunch.”

  “I didn’t think there was such a thing as a free lunch,” I say as my thoughts drift to the song I’d heard on the radio.

  “It wasn’t,” he said. “As it turns out, they want me back in Los Angeles. They want to contract me entirely to Estate Records, which means slaving away in their studio.”

  “That’s amazing,” I force the words out of my mouth. My happiness for him tastes more bitter than sweet.

  We fall silent then, and I reach for my glass. Once again, I find myself clutching a cup like a life preserver. I'm right where I was the day we met, but this time I don't have the buffer of a support group.

  “Are you going to go?” I finally ask when he doesn’t offer up any more details. I don’t know what I want his answer to be.

  “I haven’t really decided,” he admits. Reaching up, he tugs the knot of his tie loose and pulls it free of his neck. “Right now there’s nothing keeping me here.”

  I run my finger down my glass, drawing a line through the condensation. “I suppose not.”

  That might change after what I’m about to tell him, or worse, he could decide to take Max with him to Los Angeles. If he chooses to get the law involved, he might destroy the fragile root system I’ve planted here.

  “Christ, tell me I have a reason to stay, Faith.” As soon as he says her name, he clamps his mouth shut.

  “It’s okay,” I say automatically. “I still find myself saying Faith when people ask my name, but I’m learning.”

  He needs to know that I’m trying. I want him to know that I’m not just some crazy whack job who took custody of his child. “I’m seeing a therapist and we’re working through it. I’m carrying my own driver’s license. I even went to see where they buried Faith.”

  Jude’s hand begins to creep across the table, but then he stops. I don’t know what’s more awkward: the thought of him comforting me or that he’s too cautious to try.

  “I told you once that you didn’t have
to tell me your sad story,” he says, “and what I’m about to ask is going to undermine that, but I have to know why.”

  Now’s my opportunity to tell him the whole story—to lay out the puzzle pieces face up so that he can see the big picture. Maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll fit them together without making me actually say the words.

  “Faith showed up a few years back. She was struggling to get clean, and she was pregnant,” I tell him. “At first, I thought everything was going to work out. Nana was already in assisted care, and I was working three jobs. Having Faith back seemed like a blessing.”

  “But…” he prompts.

  “After the baby was born, she couldn’t handle the stress. We didn’t know then that Max was deaf and that his condition might have contributed to his fussiness. I guess it shouldn’t have been a surprise given her history with drugs. One morning I woke up and she was gone.”

  “And she just left him with you?” Disgust colors Jude’s tone. He slumps back against the seat, shaking his head.

  “She wasn’t healthy, Jude,” I tell him. He opens his mouth to protest my clarification, but I stop him. “That’s not an excuse. It’s just the reality of the situation.”

  “What made you come here?”

  “She came back for Max with some guy she was sleeping with. He had bad news written all over him. She told me that she had to prove to him that Max wasn’t his son.”

  “That’s an odd problem to have.” His words are strained, and I wonder if he suspects how this story ends. My sweet, broken Jude, who so desperately wants to collects all the damaged bits of people and make them whole. Of course he’s hoping for a happy ending.

  “His wife had left him, probably because he was sleeping with Faith,” I say. “Hindsight is 20/20, after all. He wasn’t her dealer, but he was certainly enabling her.”

  “Do you honestly think that’s why his wife left him?”

  “What other reason did she have?” I point out. “In this day and age, most women don’t leave a man who wants to raise his children without a good reason.”

  “I don’t know. Some people can’t forgive when they’ve been wronged.”