Leminscate as-2

by Jennifer Murgia

  “Nothing I can’t handle.” I sighed heavily and slammed my locker shut.

  This was a new year. My senior year. Yet I couldn’t help reliving the past in these last ten seconds. It seemed like yesterday I was at my locker with Claire, my best friend in the whole world. We were approached by Brynn, who never seemed to have anything nice to say and, just before the bell rang, Ryan showed up. Ryan had been Claire’s boyfriend at the time. Now, he seemed to be the only person besides Garreth who bothered to give me the time of day.

  The morning bell rang, giving us three minutes to get to homeroom.

  “Don’t take any of her crap, Teagan,” he offered. “By the way, what was she all fired up about?”

  A few sophomores walking by stared at me, probably wondering why I deserved Brynn’s attention. I shuddered. Any interaction with Brynn left me with a residual aftertaste that was highly unpleasant.

  “My mom came up with a brainy idea. A nice, homey dinner with the very established doctor and his very demonic stepdaughter. Ugh.” Hideous regurgitation sounds mockingly escaped my lips, leaving Ryan laughing.

  “You’re pretty funny when you’re being immature,” he was wiping the corners of his eyes.

  “Gee, thanks.”

  We rounded the corner, shoving our way across the crowded hall’s intersection toward our homerooms in the science wing.

  “You know what I mean, Tea, and of course I think you’re mature. It’s just that Brynn really does bring out the best in you,” his eyes were smiling behind the seriousness.

  “What did you just say?”

  “That … Brynn brings out the best in you.” He hesitated, not quite sure what I was getting at.

  “No, you called me ‘Tea’.”

  “Is that okay?” I felt the nervousness rolling off of him.

  Our friendship had become sort of topsy-turvy. When we first met he was the perpetually happy boyfriend of my now late best friend, but later I witnessed the cruel, destructive puppet he had become for Hadrian. Since the summer, Ryan had been on a tough road finding himself, little by little revealing snippets of the real him. Every so often, when he was willing to let his guard down, another layer would slough off. I knew deep down how hard it must be for him. To trust me. To be my friend. In a way we were both robbed by Hadrian. Robbed of ourselves. But more importantly, we share the loss of one special person. Claire.

  “Besides my mom, Claire was the only other person who called me ‘Tea’,” I explained.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to remind you.”

  I shuffled my shoes back and forth, then looked up into Ryan’s face. He looked like a puppy waiting to be reprimanded.

  “No, it’s okay,” I instinctively reached out and rubbed his arm. “Really. Now and then things come out that remind me of her, that’s all.”

  “Yeah,” he said, still looking uncomfortable.

  “Being reminded of her is okay though. I like to think of her; makes me feel like she’s still here.”

  The light came back into his eyes and I knew I had said the right thing.

  “She used to call you that all the time. You were always Tea, never Teagan, to her,” he muttered reflectively. “That’s just who you are to me.”

  A gratuitous smile slipped across my lips just as the second bell rang and then he turned and walked across the hall, disappearing through the door of his classroom. I felt a little hollow just then as I walked past the other desks to my own. A sea of questions floated in front of me. I could grab any one of them and still come up empty. What to think? What to feel? I didn’t quite know at the moment.

  I suppose it was a small trade. Claire for Ryan. With Claire’s family moved away now, Ryan was the next best thing—the only tie left to her here. What would Claire think? A tiny part of me wanted to believe that she already knew; maybe even planned it. Ryan was the only one who knew and loved Claire as much as I did.

  My thoughts shifted to my mother and the happiness I felt I was constantly blocking her from. I slumped further down in my seat, the weight of guilt holding me down like an iron grip. They had both lost someone too. Not the same person, but one of the same significance. I rolled my eyes at myself, hoping no one would catch on to the silent conversation I was having with my conscience. Was putting up with Brynn every Friday worth my mother’s happiness? I sighed deeply. Of course it was.

  Damn! Why couldn’t Brynn be the slightest bit tolerable?

  But I already knew the answer.

  Because nothing ever came easy.

  Nothing that was worth having anyway.

  Chapter Four

  “So how do you think you did?” Garreth asked, placing his hand at the small of my back as we shuffled out the door.

  I drew in a deep sigh. “All right, I guess.” Thank goodness calculus was over. Now I just had to sweat it out waiting for Mr. Malone to get the grades in.

  We edged our way to the south hall, in the direction of my locker.

  “Just for the record, it was a little hard,” Garreth said sincerely.

  “A little hard?” I said back, my eyebrows arched with skepticism. I knew he was joking. “Go on, admit it. The test was a piece of cake for you.”

  “Well …” he couldn’t contain the smile any longer.

  I leaned toward him, whispering, “And where do Guardians learn calculus?”

  He leaned in, playing along with my little game, “From the great Angelic Encyclopedia.”

  I pulled back slightly.

  “You are joking, aren’t you? There’s no such thing.”

  “Not a thing, but a who,” Garreth’s striking blue eyes were serious.

  “And whom might that be?”

  “That would be Mathur. He gives us wisdom.”

  “Really? Mathur?” I asked as I opened my locker, tossing my backpack and folders inside and grabbing my granola bar and Dr. Pepper from the top shelf. My stomach was beginning to rumble with hunger.

  Garreth just nodded, smiling.

  So many memories came flooding back to me. Mathur had been the wise elderly angel I encountered on the other side last spring. Garreth had fallen victim to Hadrian, who wanted ultimate control over humanity by corrupting our guardian angels. Without a guardian, a human is easily manipulated and vulnerable to the whims of powerful dark angels.

  Without Garreth, I might have been putty in Hadrian’s hands. To stop Hadrian, I needed to cross over to a realm no humans could enter. I had to die for it. Outwitting death with an ancient dagger inscribed with the octagram was my only hope. As it turned out, I had the power to bridge the two worlds, heaven and earth.

  I took Garreth’s hand gingerly in my own and flipped it over to look at his mark again, his octagram. I needed to see it, to trace it with my fingertips. I needed to know every so often that all that happened these last few months was real and not some dream.

  “Maybe Mathur could give me some math pointers some day,” I said, pulling myself back into the present.

  “He’s very wise. Like a father.”

  “I wouldn’t know,” I sighed.

  “Someday you might. Your mother seems to see something in that doctor friend of hers. Maybe it’s similar to what she saw in your father.”

  Garreth’s blue eyes were tender as he leaned forward to move a strand of hair away from my face. My mom was usually a good judge of character.

  Maybe if I wasn’t so focused on being jealous of the time she spent with Dr. Dean, the time that used to be ours … maybe if I wasn’t so miserable thinking about Brynn and all the ways she can mess up my life inside and outside of school, I’d be able to see the bigger picture. I smiled in response to Garreth’s insight.

  “What would I do without you?” I leaned against my locker staring at the incredible wonder before me.

  “I think the question is what would I do without you?” The space between us charged with life. He leaned into that space and placed his lips gently on mine. The hallway and the commotion slipped away in silenc
e and there was nothing but us … until a Carver Crusaders’ wide receiver slapped Garreth on the back.

  “Hey bro, pizza and fries. The lunch of champions awaits!” Derek Arnold boomed joyously. He was a tall guy with a husky build and arms that reminded me of the old sailor cartoon, Popeye. His chestnut hair was cropped close and he was so drenched in cologne that I needed to turn away just to breathe.

  Garreth’s apologetic smile greeted me when I turned back around. The back of my throat tasted like Macy’s cosmetic department on a Saturday.

  “I completely forgot, Teagan. Derek asked me to hang out with him and the team for lunch. He mentioned it in homeroom.”

  “Just meet me at the truck, man,” Derek gave Garreth another pounding on his back, and nodded to me, finally acknowledging my presence before bounding away. He stopped short a few lockers down to talk to a couple of freshman cheerleaders who were obviously drinking in his chokingly manly aroma and attention.

  “I’m sorry.” Garreth was so sincere it looked painful. “If you don’t want me to go, I’ll just tell the guys…”

  “No, go ahead,” I interrupted him. How could I be so selfish? Garreth had chosen to stay behind on earth to be with me, so we’d have the chance to be together longer than the eight days he was originally allowed. It was more than I could have ever dreamed of and here I was, keeping him to myself.

  Hogging him. If he wanted to look human, he should act human. He should be given more than just me; he should be given a chance to live like the eighteen-year-old boy everyone believed he was.

  He looked a little lost to me. Like I had just given him permission to go hang with the wolves. I glanced over at Derek, who was tickling the underside of the chin of an overly bubbly blonde in a very short skirt. I shuddered at the display of affection.

  Garreth was so not like the other guys here at Carver, but for his own sake, he had to try.

  “It’s okay, really. I need to get a head start on the next calc chapter. If the next test is anything like today’s, I’m screwed.”

  “Yeah?” He was apprehensive but I could sense a little relief underneath it all. “I’ll meet you here at dismissal.”

  Unlike last year, we only shared two classes together. I wasn’t used to not seeing him during the day. I shut my locker and felt the quick kiss on my cheek. The warm feeling between us sadly disappeared, as I watched him walk away, turning back once. I smiled encouragingly and couldn’t help wonder if Mathur had taught him anything else, like how to blend in with teenage wolves of the twenty-first century.

  As he headed for the door at the end of the hall, I reopened my locker and tossed my calculus book and folder in a heap at the bottom. I grabbed my iPod and my keys, slammed the locker shut and headed in the opposite direction.

  I started to take notice of all the people walking the halls. The guys. The girls. The Jocks, the Goths, the Bandos … all the cliques, all the clubs, the groups … the packs. I had gone to school with half these kids since kindergarten and yet I still didn’t know them. And although Garreth had been my guardian for eight of my incarnations, I’ve really only known him for about five months … but I trusted him with all my heart.

  I opened the main door to find the sun shining at last, drying up the puddle-ridden parking lot. I dodged the bigger ones still smattered here and there and made my way to Garreth’s Jeep.

  Using the key he had given me, I unlocked the door and slipped inside, sitting for a few moments in silence before putting in my ear buds. I closed my eyes, giving in to the tune, feeling the sun-warmed seat beneath me, smelling the scent that was his. It cleared the horrible after-smell of Derek from my nostrils and I imagined the spicy incense to be Garreth’s breath, trailing down my cheeks, my neck, my arms … the lingering presence that constantly accompanied me, the very essence of my guardian. He was here with me.

  I tried not to think of where he was, of sharing him, and instead forced myself to be happy for him.

  After all, what could possibly happen in forty-five minutes?

  Chapter Five

  I woke with a start.

  “Crap,” I whispered to myself and shook my head to clear it. I looked at the blue numbers on the dashboard and sat straight up in the seat. I had slept through lunch … and through gym.

  I stared out the window, dazed. The warm sun had only been a tease and the rain had started up again, coming down in buckets against a now blackish sky. I felt trapped in Garreth’s Jeep. There was no way I could make a run for it without getting soaked, and everyone would wonder why I was so wet.

  Panic settled in.I wonder if anyone saw me?

  I needed to get inside but something in me wouldn’t allow it. I couldn’t put my finger on it, only there was a strong feeling telling me to stay put. Leaning back against the seat, I tried to recall what I had been dreaming about. It completely escaped me now. But there was something. I grabbed the keys from the ignition and turned around, half crawling over the seat to peer into the back.

  Fabulous. No umbrella.

  When the tapping came at the window, I nearly jumped out of my skin. My head crashed against the ceiling of the car as I hastily untangled my legs to turn around. I rubbed the top of my head, and cleared the inside of the fogged window with my sleeve to see out. Standing there was Garreth, drenched and expressionless. He jutted his chin, motioning for me to scoot over.

  A strange, uncomfortable quiet fell between us as he climbed in and silently stared straight ahead. I couldn’t read him at all. He didn’t even ask why I was sitting in his car instead of at my desk in American history.

  “Are you okay?” I couldn’t stand it anymore. Something wasn’t right.

  He nodded his head up and down once, “Fine.”

  He didn’t say anything else.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “What are you doing here?” he asked, turning to face me.

  Shock and misunderstanding ran through me. I sat stunned for a moment, not sure what to say in response.

  And then I smelled it.

  Garreth’s jacket reeked of Derek’s awful cologne. The Jeep was quickly becoming saturated in the scent. The beautiful incense that had lulled me to sleep in the first place had become overpowered and replaced.

  Underneath the cologne was something else. Something I realized was meant to be covered up. Each lingering moment brought it closer to the surface, each breath … the unmistakable smell of … beer.

  “Were you drinking? At lunch?” I couldn’t believe it! “Garreth?”

  The look he gave me was unbearable. It was neither guilty, nor apologetic. A strange feeling came over me and I sat in silence wondering who the heck this strange boy was.

  He began staring out the window and then cleared his throat, “You need to find another ride home.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I can’t take you.”

  “Why not?”

  “Just go in, Teagan,” he said, impatience building in his voice. “If you don’t, they’ll think you were with us and they’ll give you one of these.”

  He held up a crumpled pink slip, then threw it on the floor at my feet. I leaned over slowly and picked it up, regarding him closely as I carefully uncurled the paper. Nervously, I read the statement printed across the center of the slip.

  Conduct Referral Reason for referral: failure to attend class. Improper behavior off and on campus.

  Action: 5-day suspension.

  Parent/guardian signature required.

  I looked up at Garreth.

  “You’re suspended?”

  He didn’t answer me.

  I reread the line that stated ‘Parent/Guardian signature required’ and shuddered. Garreth was m y guardian. My angelic guardian. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. Who would take responsibility for him?

  I hesitated, “Who’s going to sign your slip?”

  He reached over and took the paper from my hands, crumpling it back up. “That’s my problem.”

 
I opened my mouth, then let it snap shut.

  Garreth started up the Jeep. The engine roiled, intrusive to our pained conversation. He sat looking at me impatiently, giving me my cue to leave. I studied his face, trying to find a solution to this mind-boggling predicament. Oddly, his eyes no longer sparkled. They looked more grey than blue, resembling the dampness outside the window. I reluctantly opened the passenger door and closed it behind me, standing in the rain and watching as he pulled away without so much as a glance in my direction.

  When I realized how drenched my clothes were becoming I turned the other way and started across the parking lot. My legs felt heavy when I tried to step over the puddles. As I looked down to maneuver myself around them, a large black feather floated in front of me. The only witness to our argument.

  It triggered something in my subconscious, but I shoved it away, braced myself against the damp chill spreading down my arms, and walked inside.

  Chpater Six

  My hands were trembling as I dialed.

  “Hopewell Public Library; this is Diane speaking,” the gentle voice came through the phone and my heart lurched. Immediate regret for my attitude at breakfast surfaced.

  “Mom?” I asked into the receiver. I hated bothering her at work.

  “Teagan? Is everything alright?”

  Thank God she didn’t still sound mad at me. There was no grudge in her voice and almost instantly my trembling hands steadied. It was my mom. The one I was missing so much these last few weeks. She would make everything better again.

  “Teagan?”

  “I’m here. Would you mind picking me up from school today? I don’t have a ride home.”

  “Why isn’t Garreth taking you?”

  I closed my eyes at the sound of his name and swallowed hard.

  “He’s um … he went home early. Sick.”

  “Okay, sure. Let me get one of the volunteers to cover for me. I might be a little late, okay?”

  “Okay. I’ll wait in the office.” I let out a huge sigh.

  “I’ll be there as close to 2:30 as I can get. Are you okay? You sound wiped out.”