False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1
Page 3
Gordon pushed me down in the same chair I’d sat in the night prior. No one bothered to tie me up again, apparently deciding I was too weak or too stupid to pose a threat.
“Good morning, young lady,” said Mr. Dacks. “I hope you slept well.” He laughed as if he’d told a joke. “Miss Meyers, you will be staying in our custody for some time, so get used to living like a dog unless you cooperate. If you help us with our quest, we can at least make your accommodations a little more tolerable, but either way, we intend to keep you until we get what we want from your daddy. You are our collateral, so to speak, until Chief Meyers returns the money. And if he doesn’t … Well … Sorry, honey, but we will kill you. For now, you will remain a guest of Mr. Gordon and his partner, way out here in the big woods, with no one to hear you scream. Things might get a little uncomfortable for you. Mr. Gordon has expressed an interest in you, Ellia, something beyond our common goal if you grasp what I am saying. You may wish to consider that when I ask you one last time; where is your father? If you tell me the truth, I will instruct these lads to leave you alone. They will treat you well, and then they will release you, unharmed, when we locate your father.”
Even with the threat of repeated rape and probably death on the line, I still didn’t know where he was. Telling an untruth, as Donny suggested, was no longer an option. They would keep me until they found him and extracted the information they needed from him, anyway, so sending them on a wasted mission could potentially prolong my imprisonment and torture. I remained quiet and stared at Mr. Dacks.
“Is this really how you want to play this, Ellia? I thought you were a smart girl. I guess I was wrong.” He moved away and nodded at Gordon.
Gordon, still in his camo pants stood in front of me. “Stand up,” he ordered. I did as told. I faced him with my chin set in defiance as I met his steely, blue eyes with the iciest stare I could muster from my one good eye, and I waited for it. His pale, thin lips curved into a half smile while punching me hard in the stomach. The force knocked me off of my feet and stole every ounce of my breath. I landed on the floor, curling myself into a ball. I stayed huddled, knowing he wasn’t done with me. When Camo-man brought his steel toed boot down on my hip with a crushing kick, I cried out in agony. The pain radiated from my side through my entire pelvic girdle, and I worried he had broken something.
“That’s enough,” said Donny, stepping in between Gordon and me. “She doesn’t know anything. This is fucking pointless. If you beat her to death, then what good is she?”
“See boss,” said Gordon to Dacks. “This fucker is soft. I told you he couldn’t handle this shit.”
“I can handle it just fine when it has purpose,” Donny retorted. “Beating her is useless, and you getting your rocks off by hurting a defenseless woman who has no information to barter, is just fucking sick. Back off Gordon.” I heard the serious menace in the Man-in-black’s tone.
“All right, boys,” said Dacks. “Mr. Jeffries and I are going to take our leave. You guys work it out between you. Whatever you decide to do with her is up to you, but don’t kill her yet, Gordon. We may need her to get Meyers to talk. We’ll see if the lying bastard has a soft spot for his little girl.” He laughed and headed to the door where Mr. Jeffries, awaited him. To my relief, Gordon followed the two men out. As soon as they were gone, Donny lifted me up and carefully sat me on the old sofa.
“Are you okay, Ellia?” he asked, and I could’ve sworn there was real concern in his tone.
I was crying again and in more pain than I’d ever known, at least physically. I buried my face in my hands and didn’t respond to him. He pulled my palms away from my battered face. “Are you okay? I need to know if you can handle this for a little longer. I promise you, I won’t let it get much worse than this, but if you can’t take it, you need to tell me.”
I was beyond confused by his statement. “What are you talking about? Of course I am not okay. I have been abducted and beaten up, how can I be okay? Who are you? What the hell is going on?” I sat up and stared into his eyes, those eyes that reminded me so much of someone I’d lost. Gordon walked in at that moment, and Donny held his finger to his mouth, indicating for me to be quiet.
“What the fuck, boy? Leave that lying cunt on the floor where she belongs.” He walked over and grabbed me by a lock of hair and forced me to the floor. “Stay on the floor like a good bitch,” he said, and walked into the kitchen area. Donny didn’t say anything or help me back onto the furniture. I curled up in a ball and stayed down where I belonged. My hip throbbed, and my stomach felt riotous, even though I hadn’t anything since lunch the day prior. Donny pulled a chair out from the table and sat down, maintaining watch on Gordon.
The smell of Gordon’s invention on the stove made my stomach twist in both desire and revulsion. It was sausage and eggs. When he put the plate on the floor in front of me, I made no response. My stomach growled, but I was sore from the punch and didn’t want to eat anything that man cooked. I deliberately pushed the plate away, making a point in my own little way. The men ate in silence. Donny pulled his mask up enough to expose his mouth to eat, but he still didn’t remove it. When Camo-man was finished he walked over to me. “Get up and eat this food I cooked for you, you ungrateful bitch.”
“I’m not hungry,” I said. “I don’t want your food.”
“Is that right? Well, we’ll see about that in a couple of days won’t we?” He grabbed me up off the floor and dragged me out the back door. He tossed me violently back into the shed. My bare knees hit the cement slab with a skid, tearing off the skin. The doors slammed shut, and I heard the lock set in place. I felt around the dark shed until I came upon my nesting place in the corner. I sipped the water Donny left for me, and then I curled into the blanket.
I wondered if Matt, or any of my co-workers, were looking for me yet. When I didn’t show up for work, somebody must have worried. But then again, maybe not. I entertained doubts anyone but Matt would look for me. I’d lived many years with few relationships. The fear of losing someone kept me from forming deep attachments to anyone. I knew there was little chance Matt would find me, anyway. No one even knew I went for a run in the park, the downfall of living my life mostly alone. I didn’t check in with anyone, and there was no one to account for me. Matt had asked me to move in several times, but after six months, I just wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment, let alone marriage. Allowing myself to even get into a relationship was monumental. Until I met him, I believed my heart was forever frozen after Cade died, and I was okay with that. Matt, through his diligence and unwavering pursuit of me, found his way in, though. He was good, kind, and patient, but he wasn’t Cade. No one could ever take Cade’s place inside me. I sucked in my breath, the emotion like a hot poker to my gut. I buried him long ago, figuratively and literally. Ten years had passed since he died, but it still felt like a vise on my heart when I let a thought of him steal its way inside my consciousness. On the occasion he walked through my dreams, I would wake up in the midst of wailing sobs that only forceful extraction of the memories would resolve.
As always, I brushed the thoughts and memories of him away from mind. If I let them in, the result would be debilitating emotions that would cripple my ability to think about anything else. I needed to focus on how to get out of my current predicament.
I pondered Donny’s words and grasped my escape hinged on him. If I admitted that I couldn’t take anymore, he’d get me out. He’d said as much. It didn’t make any sense to me. Why did he care one way or the other, and why was he leaving it up to me? Of course I wanted him to get me out. Why should I endure the abuse? I truly didn’t know where my father was or how he was tied up in their business. I didn’t give a shit, either. It had nothing to do with my life. I didn’t want to see my dad get hurt or killed, but this was his world, not mine. He accepted the risks when he became a cop, or a criminal, and I shouldn’t be the one to suffer for his decisions. A familiar anger towards my sperm donor bubbled inside me.
My mind finally devised a scenario that had little chance or working, but I was desperate. Only one of them ever retrieved me at a time. I’d wait inside the door and then clobber whoever showed up with the shovel. After that, I had two choices, and I hoped we were not as far from civilization as we seemed to be. I would either run through the woods where I risked being indefinitely lost or dying of exposure in the vast northern state lands, or I’d have to subdue the one left in the house to obtain the keys to the van. It was the best plan I could imagine, but there were definitely flaws. The downfalls and potential things that might go wrong were endless, but according to Gordon, I’d be locked in the shed a couple of days, at least, to ponder it.
Exhausted by the nonstop reverie in my mind, I fell asleep. Sometime later, I woke up shivering to the sound of the chain. The door opened to the black silhouette of Donny. It was nearly dark, and I was surprised I’d slept the entire day away. My heart dropped, knowing I had missed my chance to ambush him.
“Ellia,” he said coming in. He closed the door behind him and lit a lantern. He sat himself next to me with a plate of food. “You need to eat. It’s important to stay healthy and strong.”
“Why? What difference does it make? You and your people are just going to kill me in the end. Yours is the only face I haven’t seen. I am not stupid; there is no way out of this for me,” I said.
“I told you that I’ll protect you,” he offered.
“Ha! You have done a hell of a good job so far, asshole. You even hit me yourself. Why should I believe a damn word you say? Why do you care, anyway? This is obviously your occupation, so why should I trust you?” I backed away from him and refused his food.
“Dammit, Ellia, I don’t want to tell you the truth because you have to appear afraid. I need you to play along, but I won’t let them kill you or permanently scar you in any way.”
“But you will allow them to beat the fuck out of me and participate yourself, right? What about rape? Is that going to be okay as long as there are no physical scars? Do you plan to join in on that as well? How is any of this all right in your world? Jesus, I am one woman against both of you. Am I supposed to just sit here and take it like a good girl? What truth is there to tell? What the hell is happening here? Who are you?”
He exhaled in exasperation and pulled the ski mask off his face. Seeing his dimly lit face, I nearly screamed. I stood up and backed into the corner even farther. My nerves were on fire, yet I shivered as if coated in ice.
“No ... Oh my God ... No, it can’t be. You died ... You died when you got shot. Oh my God, Cade? Is this some sick game? It can’t be you!” I fainted.
When I came to, Cade held me in his lap. I was sure it was a dream, and I basked in it momentarily, wanting to pull him to me and drown in his life force. The last time I’d seen him, I was seventeen years old. This Cade was older and taller now, his tattoos changed, his voice deeper, but his eyes were the same, though lacking the warmth that had always been an intricate part of who he had been. He definitely wasn’t the same person that I had loved more than life itself, my first love, my first everything. This man, this lying violent male, was someone completely foreign, yet he stroked my hair tenderly, like he used to when we were love-struck teenagers. My heart wanted to melt into a pool at the bottom of my chest, but I wouldn’t let that happen. A hard lump froze in place instead, and I sat up, pushing myself away from him. I got to my feet and stumbled back into the corner again. I felt dizzy and sick as reality pounced on me. How can he be alive? How can he be here? Why did he hurt me so much?
“Why?” The word hung there between us as the sobs burst from me. “Why are you … How are you … alive? What happened? Why did you leave me? How could you do that to me? How could you, Cade?” I lost control of my speech as the emotions rocked me. He stepped near me, and my hand rose with a life of its own as I slapped him hard across the face, the sting on my palm centering me enough to hurl the accusations that overshadowed any happiness I might have felt for his being alive. “Why would you be so cruel to me? I loved you. Your death nearly killed me. Did you ever care for me at all?” I spit the angry, grief filled words into the air like a bad taste. I began to hyperventilate as the pain broke through the fury.
Cade grabbed me and pulled me into an embrace I didn’t want. I struggled against him, kicking and flailing, but he held me tight. “I didn’t leave you, by choice, Ellia. I did love you. There isn’t time for explanations right now. I need to protect you, but I have a job to do. I promise, when this over, I will tell you everything.”
“Why are you with these men, Cade? When did you become a criminal? How could you do that? What about your music? What about us? What about who you were? What about college, and getting married, and having a life together?” I understood he didn’t want to dredge it up in that moment, but how could he expect me not to ask questions? Hot, angry tears, soaked his T-shirt as he kept me pressed to him. He refused to let go of me despite my effort to break free. When he pushed my face harder into his shoulder, I finally realized it was to muffle the sound, not to comfort me. This version of the boy I used to know, didn’t give a shit about my pain. I tried to kick him in the groin, but he blocked me. He loosened his grip just enough to look me in the eye with a hard snap to my shoulders.
“Stop, Ellia, I don’t have time for this shit, not nearly enough to explain everything to you. Calm down and be quiet, right now!” He growled the words between clenched teeth while his fingers dug into my upper arms. I complied and settled myself, not trusting what he might do if I did not obey.
“Listen, I am not the bad guy, okay? I’m an undercover agent with the FBI, and I’ve worked my ass off on this case. I have a choice, here, extract you now and blow my cover, or let it play out a little longer. My job is to gather enough evidence to nail Dacks and his bosses. You don’t understand how big this situation is, Ellia, but it goes well beyond that fat piece of shit and his psycho attack dog, Gordon. It’s much bigger than your dad, too. Unfortunately for you, he is the star of this show right at the moment. Dacks wasn’t lying when he said your father was a dirty cop, but I can’t explain it right now—no time. Tell me what you want me to do. Can you hang on longer? My people are working hard to find your father, and when they do, this will all be over for you. If you can’t, or won’t, continue I’ll take you out of here right this second. I promise you, Ellia, Gordon will pay for every hurt he has laid upon you. You’ll never realize how sorry I am for having to play along and hit you. I knocked you out on purpose, to put an end to the beating, but god I hated putting my hands on you that way. They’ll kill me without a second thought if they suspect anything. I haven’t been with their organization long enough to have much pull or trust. You need to understand, I am a different person than the one you used to know when we were kids, but I swear you can trust me. I would never hurt you by choice … ever, but I can’t protect you if I am dead.”
My mind was still swirling with emotions, and amidst it all, relief he was alive, surfaced above all the rest, and I threw my arms around him. “I can’t believe you are alive, Cade. I just can’t believe it.” The memories and feelings of the past battled with the fury I felt for what he had done to me.
He gently pushed me away from him, not returning the embrace. “I promise I will tell you everything, Ellia, but I need an answer from you right now--right this minute. Gordon will be back at any second. I hate that shit had to go down this way. I wanted to tell you under different circumstances, but in this moment, you have to tell me what to do.”
“I don’t know what to say, my head is spinning. There is so much information to grasp, I don’t know where to begin. I have so damn
many questions …” He shifted his weight and released my shoulders while expelling an agitated sigh. He didn’t want to deal with the past, he just wanted me to answer him. I felt defeated and conflicted, but in the end, my residual love for him won. “If it’s what you want … If it’s what you think I should do, then I will. I don’t understand the reasons, and I don’t understand you; but if it’s what you want, then I will do it. I owe you that much.” He never realized how much I blamed myself for the bullets he took.
“Owe me? Why would you owe me anything?”
Gordon yelled for Donny before I could tell him what I meant. “I have to go.” He grabbed my arm as he leaned down to my face, almost nose to nose, to reiterate his point. “Do not blow my cover, Ellia, both of our lives depend on it now.” He put the ski mask back over his face. “Hang tough a little longer. The greater good will be worth it, I promise.”
He exited the shed, locking the door behind him. I lay back down on the blanket and cried until my insides were empty. I’d wasted years grieving for a boy who was never dead; a boy who chose to rip out my heart and take it with him into the world, leaving me alone and hollow. The pain had driven me into a hole of despair that nearly cost me my life. I thought of Matt who had tried to love the shell of a person Cade had left in his wake. Matt deserved better than what I had given him. Turned out, it was all for nothing. The torment I’d wallowed in for so long was nothing more than a sham. The joke was all on me. I hoped Gordon would kill me. I didn’t know how I could survive the revelation and all it had cost me.
Chapter 3
I cried all night, not finding relief from the lamenting until a sliver of daylight snuck under the door. The cold Michigan air numbed my limbs, but anger burned hot inside of me. I was hungry and in desperate need of a shower, my jogging clothes dirty and bloody, and my hair matted and caked with the remnants of abuse. I didn’t consume the food Cade brought for me, despite my resurgence of an appetite. Too distressed to eat, I would puke if I tried. My stomach seemed to be on a direct line with my emotions, and my lack of weight often reflected what I was feeling. Trapped in a small space smelling my vomit for days was unacceptable. I had already urinated in the corner, once, but luckily it had been such a scant amount, the odor had been undetectable. The thought of having to shit in the shed, also kept me from eating. I would die like a human versus live as an animal.