False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1

by Reid, Angela

  I picked up my phone and called Cade, but he didn’t answer, so I figured he was resting. I laid there and pondered our fight for a long time. After the sun went down, taking all my anger with it, I realized I owed her an apology. I went to her room where she lay propped up in her bed, reading a book. I knocked on the door that stood ajar. The light purple bedroom smelled like the vanilla candle burning on the dresser. “Can I come in, Mom?” I asked.

  “I don’t have anything to say to you right now, Ellia,” she replied, not even looking up from her book. Ignoring her, I walked in and sat down on the bed next to her.

  “I’m sorry for what I said. It was mean. You work hard, and I appreciate everything. The last thing I want to be is an ungrateful brat, and I don’t want you out of my life. All I want, Mom, is for you to accept me and trust me. I understand how much you regret your relationship with dad, but I am not you. Please let me make choices for myself. And for the record, Dad does not walk on water for me, not even close. I remember all that stuff from when we were young. He’s an asshole, and Cade is nothing like him. I hate what he did to you. Can we please not fight? Even though I never say it, I do love you.”

  My mother sat up in bed and closed her book. She put her reading glasses on the nightstand and looked me in the eye. “You are not going to manipulate me by throwing empty, meaningless words at me. And, for the record, I am not out of your life because I am your mother. This is my home, and I shall define the rules. You will live by them, or I will punish you. So, I am giving you a choice. I suggest you use your supreme maturity and choose wisely. You will stop seeing Cade, or I am taking your phone, your car, and everything else that I pay for, away from you. You are not allowed out of this house, other than to go to school. Do you understand?” she asked. “If that doesn’t work, then you will go live with your dad. Once you graduate, you can either go to college as planned, or get the hell out of my life.”

  “Seriously, Mom?” I yelled getting off the bed. “Why would you do this to me? Haven’t I always been a good kid? Why are you punishing me?” Tears of hysteria ran down my face and collected like rain water on my T-shirt.

  “You were a good kid, until you chose to be a slut. Get out of my sight and go back to your room to think about your decision.” My mother refilled her wine glass, the bottle nearly empty, and retrieved her book. She continued reading as if nothing had happened while I stood with my mouth hanging agape and my heart beating frenetically.

  “Now I guess it’s my turn to be completely disappointed in you,” I said quietly, leaving my mother’s room. I tried Cade again with no result. The tears wouldn’t stop, and I was messy glob of snot by the time he returned my call.

  “Hello?” My stuffy nose made my voice sound thick.

  “What’s wrong, babe?” he asked. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer when you called earlier, those pills knocked me out. What’s the matter? Are you crying?”

  I relayed to him the entire fight and harsh words we’d exchanged. “I can’t believe she called me a slut. What are we going to do now?”

  “Shit, I am so sorry,” he sighed. “Do you want me to try to talk to her? Maybe I can explain this relationship isn’t just some stupid high school fling?”

  “It wouldn’t do any good. She is being completely irrational. I don’t think she’s ever been this angry at me. I thought being honest would be the best thing, but I should’ve lied to her. God, I want to scream. We had such an awesome weekend, and we had to come home to this fucking nightmare. How are you feeling? I should have asked that first, but I am drowning in drama over here.”

  “I’m fine, but I’m not taking any more of those pills; they wipe me out, and I hate being so zonked, especially when you need me.”

  “Take them if you’re in pain, Cade. I’m being overly emotional at the moment, but I hope things will be better in the morning,” I said, blowing my nose. “I don’t care what she does, though, I won’t stop seeing you. As soon as I turn eighteen, she can kiss my ass; to hell with her.”

  “Ellia, she’s trying to protect you. Try not to be so angry. We’ll figure this thing out tomorrow. I promise it’s gonna work out, somehow.” He came across so calm and unruffled, he made me feel much less anxious, too.

  “Are you going to stay home the rest of the week?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “No, I don’t want to miss; I hate getting behind in my classes.” We talked for another hour before saying good night. I fell asleep with hope on my mind.

  The next morning, I woke to my alarm. I showered and got ready for school before heading down stairs to grab a cup of coffee and a quick breakfast. I shot Cade a text to say good morning. When I entered the kitchen, I was shocked by the scene, causing me to drop my phone. It skittered across the ceramic tile, and I chased it like a cat with a yarn ball, fumbling it twice before getting a grip. After snatching it up, I stood to face Cade and my mother, sitting at the table over steaming mugs of coffee, looking amused at my clumsiness.

  “What is going on here?” I asked both of them. My mother’s features shifted from entertained to stern, but she didn’t seem as angry at me.

  “Your boyfriend and I have been negotiating. He showed up at the door about an hour ago. I apologize for calling you a slut last night, Ellia. I didn’t mean that, I was just angry and a little far into my wine bottle. Cade explained how much that hurt your feelings so I am sorry. My stance is still firm on this issue, though.”

  Cade nodded and took a casual sip of his coffee like they were discussing the weather instead of our private sex life. He regarded me with a look of contrition. “I agreed that you and I would respect your mom’s wishes, and she agreed to let us see each other, outside of school, as long as we are here at your house when she’s home.”

  “Oh … You agreed did you? Do I get a say in this at all? My mom is hardly ever here. You don’t even understand what you just agreed to, Cade.” The anger rose in me.

  “It is a take it or leave it deal,” said my mother. She stood up and rinsed out her coffee mug. “I need to head to work now. Do you want me to drop you off at home, Cade?”

  “I am going to school,” he said, “but thank you.”

  “Well, I will drop you off at school then. Ellia, I trust you will be close behind us?” she asked.

  “Why can’t he just ride with me? That seems like a stupid waste of gas for you. How did you get here in the first place?” I asked Cade.

  “My aunt dropped me off on her way to work. And I will take you up on that lift, Mrs. Meyers.” He got to his feet and grabbed his crutches, shooting me a, don’t argue, look. “See you at school.”

  Still pissed off, I watched them leave and poured a cup of coffee for myself, though I’d lost my appetite. I could not believe Cade had gone behind my back to talk to my mother. Furthermore, I couldn’t fathom why he would agree to such awful and restrictive terms. It bothered me and made my insecurities flare up again. Maybe he wants an excuse to spend less time with me. Maybe sex with me was so boring he wants to avoid it. The idea made me sad and furious all at once. I got in my truck and headed to school, Cade’s guitars still sitting in the passenger seat. I wondered if my mom realized that my shopping trip to Detroit had been a ruse to be alone with Cade. It didn’t matter anymore, I supposed.

  When I arrived at school, Cade was standing on his crutches just inside the door talking to two girls. When they saw me approaching, they waved goodbye and went on their way. He smiled at me, but I didn’t return the gesture.

  “Go ahead,” he said, removing his smile. “Yell at me.”

  “Why would you agree to her stupid fucking rules? I will never get to be with you now. She is either at work or at Randy’s almost every night of the week.”

  “Did we have any other choice, Ellia? She is your mom, and we need to respect her wishes. It’s not forever, babe. We have the rest out lives to be together. Graduation is less than six months, and then we can do whatever we choose. I don’t want to be the cause of a rif
t between you and your mother, ever.”

  “Why doesn’t this bother you at all, huh? This arrangement obviously gives you more freedom. Is that what you wanted?” Anger and terror that he was backing away from our relationship had me on the edge. “Your groupies were already fawning all over you. Did you tell them you’d basically be a free man now?”

  Cade sighed and shook his head. “What do I need to do make you believe that I love you, Ellia? I only agreed to your mother’s terms so I COULD see you outside of school. You do understand she wasn’t going to let me come near you at all, right? Do you want to sneak around and lie all the time? Did you want to risk getting sent to Detroit to live with your dad? If we are going to prove that we are responsible enough to be in a relationship, then pouting, throwing a tantrum, and slinking around behind her back is not a great way to convince her, is it?”.

  He was right as usual. It made me crazy the way he could remain logical and unaffected by emotions. I was all over the board on any given day, and Cade was always in control of himself. “I guess you have a point, but I am still pissed.” I put my hand on his arm, fighting the tears I could never hide when I was upset. “Promise me you won’t give up on us because of this. This is a step backward, but like you said, it’s only six months to graduation. Will you wait for me?”

  “Of course I will wait for you. I’m fine with this, but that’s not the same thing as liking it, so don’t misunderstand me. It is better than the alternative. I begged your mom to stay in your life, even if it’s on her terms. Our relationship was never about sex, anyway, at least not for me.”

  He sucked in his breath as I threw my arms around him and squeezed. I kept forgetting his bumps and bruises. “Sorry,” I said, releasing him. “Should you even be at school? You are still in pain.”

  “Only when you cuddle my innards out.” He laughed. “Seriously, I’ll be all right. I don’t want to miss my AP classes. I’ll take ibuprofen if it gets too bad. My leg doesn’t really hurt; it’s my neck and ribs that are the sorest. I’ll be fine, though. Being at school and doing something is better than lying around in bed.” The bell rang as he finished his sentence. We walked to class together, and I carried his books.

  Chapter 8

  I fell back to sleep in my strange new living quarters, and the dream stayed away. I woke the next morning with the weight of depression still sitting on my body. The thought of getting out of bed seemed arduous, and I didn’t want to eat or function at all. Time passed as I stared out the window at the tops of the leafless trees. The sky was gray, as if reflecting my insides. Tears soaked my pillow, and the only relief was slumber.

  Another full day went by while I lay comatose in the queen bed. I ignored Roberts and Mendiola when they came in to check on me. None of their coaxing could get me to talk, or to eat, or to prove I was alive beyond a pulse.

  It was after noon on the fourth day of my suicide mission before a knock resounded on the door. As usual, I disregarded it. When the door opened without an invitation, I didn’t bother turning my head to see who had come in to pester me. I didn’t care, not about anything. The intruder set a tray down, and I got a whiff of something delicious; but I had no appetite.

  “Agent Mendiola told me you haven’t eaten, Ellia,” said Cade’s voice. “I don’t know what you are trying to prove, but if we get into a situation where we have to move quickly, your emaciated state will hinder us significantly. If you can’t find the strength to eat for yourself, then eat so you are not risking the lives of these agents. I warned you I would take you to a hospital, and I was not joking. Now sit up and eat this food.”

  “Fuck you,” I said, still staring out the window. “I don’t give a damn about your agents, or you, so just leave me alone.” He walked around to the side of bed so he could face me. He sat down in a chair and stared at me.

  “You can hate me, and you can blame me if you want to do so, that’s fine. But you need to snap out of this apathy. I am disappointed in how you are handling this situation. I never realized you were so weak minded, I guess. What you’ve been through sucks, I get that, but it’s no excuse for this behavior. The girl I used to know would not be wallowing in self-pity and jeopardizing everyone else’s safety.”

  I rolled onto my back but still looked at him. “You have no idea how far down in the depths of self-pity I can go Cade--not a fucking clue. You don’t know me at all. Tell me, did you ever care about me at all?”

  He exhaled heavily, agitated as usual when I asked him this question. I wasn’t even sure why I kept asking. None of it mattered anymore. “Yes, El, I did, and I am tired of trying to convince you of that. I have already explained the circumstances to you. What we had is in the past, and you need to get over it. You moved on with your life and so did I, so stop wasting time thinking about who we used to be. We are here now, in this moment, in this situation, and no amount of memory recall is going to change what happened. I don’t mean to be harsh, but it’s the truth. Move past the history, because that is all it is, and concentrate on where you are present day. You must remain mentally and physically strong enough to face what is happening here. Start by eating. Have you seen yourself? Jesus, you are skeletal. This is your last chance. Eat the food I brought you, or I am taking you to a hospital.”

  All of his words stung. Even if he had ever loved me, as he said, he left no misunderstanding that it was long gone. All the residual feelings I had been carrying so closely guarded to my heart for so many years were for nothing. It shouldn’t hurt anymore, yet somehow it did.

  I sat up in the bed. “Fine, Agent Cantrell, I will eat. You can leave now, for good this time. Maybe you should try to get placed on a new assignment altogether. Just so we are clear, I don’t need you--not anymore--not ever again.” I saw a flicker of something in his cold eyes, but it passed quickly. He got up and put the tray on my lap. He looked at me momentarily, almost as if he wanted to say something, but he walked out and left me alone, again.

  ***

  The next couple of months, living by my mother’s rules, were a test of will for me, and I knew it wasn’t easy for Cade, either. We’d gone from seeing each other every night, to once a week, if we were lucky. Although we were at school together, it wasn’t the same. We were always in the company of my mother, out of school, which made it impossible to have any sort intimacy. I missed cuddling with him, and kissing him, and all the other things we’d been doing. It was like torture to want something so desperately, yet have it just out of reach. I often found myself moody and frustrated.

  Cade spent the Christmas holiday with us and came over every day that my mom was around during break from school. I got myself a waitressing job to fill in the lonely evenings when I couldn’t see him. Plus, I hoped to save enough money so that my mother’s threats would be empty and meaningless.

  Cade and I both received acceptance letters to the University of Michigan, and, after a lot of discussion, we both returned our commitment forms. He made the decision to wait on his music career and attend college as he had originally planned. We hoped to get an apartment in Ann Arbor while attending school. The band and his music were back on hold.

  Almost ten weeks later, Cade had his cast removed. He attended physical therapy twice a week to regain strength in the leg, and it was there he discovered he liked working out and lifting weights. He spent a few extra days in the gym each week and eventually got a job there.

  We were still living by my mom’s rules and had not slept together since the weekend we’d stayed in Detroit. Our lives had become busy, but with graduation approaching, and our jobs, it had gotten easier. As spring crept in, my mother finally lifted the ban on us spending unsupervised time with each other.

  I was nervous as I waited for Cade to pick me up the night of our first official date since the lock-down began. We both knew where our evening would end, and I was anxious, but excited. Our relationship had slipped into a friend zone, thanks to my mom, and I worried we wouldn’t find that same passionate chemistry
we’d had before the ban.

  He picked me up in the jeep he’d bought, wearing a suit, and I wore a black dress. “You look amazing,” he said, when I greeted him at the door. He pulled me into his arms and gave me the usual friendly hug my mother permitted, while she stood on the stairs watching us with a rueful expression.

  “Thanks,” I said. “You look incredible too. In fact, we look way too good for this hick town.” I laughed.

  “Well, if we were staying in this hick town, we wouldn’t have bothered. I wanted to take you somewhere nice so we have a little drive, but it’ll be worth it.”

  We waved goodbye to my mother, who looked almost dejected, but I wasn’t sure how to read it. I supposed letting go was difficult for her. With all the time I’d spend in her presence, we had gotten much closer, and I was grateful for our mended relationship.

  Cade and I held hands in his jeep as we drove onto the highway. “So where are we going?”

  “It’s a surprise,” he said. We didn’t drive very far when he exited the freeway and traveled down the back roads. He stopped at a bungalow on a lake. The driveway was freshly plowed, and the snow sat in high piles along the edges with the moon casting sparkles in it.

  “What’s this?” I asked puzzled. “Where are we?”

  He didn’t answer, just got out of the jeep and opened the door for me. “Come with me.” He led me to the door, unlocked it, and we went inside the tiny house. I was utterly dazzled. It was a small lake cottage, alit with countless candles. A four poster bed sat in the middle of the room, overlooking a huge picture window. Sheer white fabric and clear string lights draped the canopy creating a perfect romantic nest for us. The cottage smelled of something delicious under the aroma of burning wax. Ivory colored linen covered the dining table and a bottle of champagne sat chilled in an ice bucket. White china and tall champagne flutes awaited us. The wall of windows in the front of the quaint house looked out over a crystallized pond and the stars shone brightly on the clear winter night. It was the dreamiest thing I’d ever seen.