by Reid, Angela
“Your confidence is misplaced. I never got through it, Cade, and that’s what you don’t understand. I’ve been fucked up for a long time, and I am tired of just plotting points on a timeline waiting for my miserable life to end. You told me to stop thinking about the past, but the past is all I’ve ever had. It’s the only point in my lifetime I was happy. When I thought you were dead, I wouldn’t let myself re-live those memories, it hurt too much. Now I take them out and hold them like precious gems every day because they are all I have. None of it matters to you because you don’t care about what we were anymore, but it still means everything to me.”
“I never said it didn’t matter, or I didn’t care, Ellia. It’s just …” he didn’t get to finish his sentence. Agent Mendiola walked in with another man. Cade let go of my hand and stood up to face the agents.
“Agent Cantrell, may I speak to you,” said the tall, handsome, Hispanic man. Cade followed him out, and Agent Mendiola shut the door.
“Why did you do that, Ellia?” she asked, and I was surprised she addressed me by my first name instead of my last.
“Because I’m totally fucked up, Agent Mendiola,” I said staring at the ceiling letting the guilt swallow me.
“You need to understand something, here. I am disclosing this information to you in the hopes you will stop acting so foolish. Agent Cantrell wasn’t originally assigned to your case. He had to threaten to resign and give up his entire career to protect you. Our director relented, hoping he could handle it, but he couldn’t. Whatever happened with you two as kids has jaded his ability to remain impartial and detached. He wanted to continue at the safe house with you, but based on your behavior he worried his presence was doing you more harm than good. That’s how I ended up apportioned to your sorry ass. The Bureau ordered him to take another case, but he refused, preferring to stand guard on you outside the building, day and night. He had to do it on his own time because they suspended him for insubordination. The evening you left, he was patrolling the perimeter as he did every night, but Dacks men came up from behind and hit him in the head, rendering him unconscious. You are goddamn lucky they didn’t just shoot him. You have no idea how narrow an escape you made. We had every agent out looking for you, including Agent Cantrell, when your call came into us. We got lucky again--you got lucky again--we were close enough to get to you before they absconded with you. Agent Cantrell is most likely losing his job over this, and it’s your fault. He was not supposed to be there. The Bureau removed him from this case and gave him disciplinary leave. The director ordered him to stay away from you. He has disobeyed countless orders for you, and his boss is fed up with him.” She paused a moment, giving me time to absorb the information.
“Agent Cantrell joined this task force specifically to bring down the people involved in killing his family. He set that life goal aside and made keeping you safe his sole priority, yet you completely disregard his loyalty to you. Your selfishness endangered us all. You have no idea what Cade has sacrificed for you. He has lived his entire life in a giant shadow you created for him, and he still can’t shake it. You are an ungrateful, egocentric bitch, and why he bothers with you I will never comprehend. From here on out, you need to do what we tell you to do and stop being such a narcissist. You need to protect Cade the way he’s done for you. Do you understand?” she asked.
“Yes, I understand. I am sorry, Agent Mendiola.” The words were real, I was contrite for never looking outside my own mixed up emotions to consider anyone else.
She nodded as Special Agent Rodriquez re-entered the room. “We are ready to move,” he said. “The car is being brought around front.” Agent Mendiola left, not saying another word to me.
“Miss Meyers, the doctor explained you have a mild concussion and whip lash, but you are fit enough to be discharged. At this time, we need you to get dressed and prepared to move. If you need help dressing; Agent Mendiola is nearby to aid you,” he said.
“I can do it, but where is Cade?” I asked.
“Agent Cantrell is off duty, pending another disciplinary hearing. He will not be part of your protection detail. We are moving in ten minutes.” He turned and walked out the door.
I was heartsick. Mendiola’s words stirred new emotions inside of me, and I needed to talk to Cade. As if he heard my mental beckoning, he walked in the room.
“I need you to come with me,” he said. “Don’t say anything.” He grabbed my purse, and took my arm, dragging me to the door. “Just act naturally and walk down the hall with me.” He led me to a bank of elevators, and we got inside one. He took it down to the basement level, and we arrived outside at a loading dock. A running Camaro awaited. “Get in the car.”
“What’s going on here? Where is agent Roberts and Mendiola?” I asked, confused.
Cade looked hurried and irritated. “Do you trust me, Ellia?”
I was scared, and I didn’t trust him, so I refused to answer, but I got in the car. Cade squealed the tires, and we exited the parking structure like a rocket. He sped through the streets, changing gears so fast, it jerked me around, causing my head and neck to scream in protest. Once we were on the highway, he continued his frantic speed, and we weaved in and out of traffic. He headed south, and I wondered if he planned where we were going.
“What’s going on, Cade?” I asked when the heavy stream of traffic forced him to slow down to a legal limit.
“The FBI can’t keep you safe, so we are on our own,” he said.
“What do you mean? I thought they were taking me to another safe-house.”
“Dacks knew where you were because he has someone inside the FBI. He drugged those sleeping cops. They were not just being lazy and useless. Whoever tipped off Dacks didn’t want bloodshed all over the news media so they planned a quiet, covert way to abduct you. You circumvented their plan by running out as they headed in to grab you. We tracked you to the hotel, but so did Dacks. You’d checked out by the time we got there. Thank God you called 911 and gave your location, or we might not have found you. The thing is, Ellia, if they located you once, they will again. I don’t trust anyone anymore—not with you,” he said.
“Why Cade? Why are you doing this? You made it clear what we had between us is dead and gone. Why are you risking your position with the FBI to do this? Why do I matter to you?”
“Now is not the time.”
“Please Cade. I am trying so desperately to make sense of your need to protect me. We might not get another chance to talk. I am begging you to tell me why you’ve thrown your job away for me.” Silent tears rolled down my cheeks.
He was quiet at first then spoke after a large exhale, like he’d been holding his breath. “I know my death was difficult for you, because I have kept tabs on you since I left you. It ripped my guts out to watch you grieve. Watching you cope with drugs and alcohol about killed me, but I couldn’t help you. It made me more determined to make your dad pay for all the scumbag things he’s done. What you don’t seem to understand, is that I was grieving too. I tried to think of every conceivable scenario that would allow us to be together, but the only one that made sense was to remove the threat. This bust hasn’t been an easy thing to accomplish, and it has taken so much longer than I thought it ever would. I couldn’t go back; I had to stick with my plan. When you recovered from the addiction and got on with your life, you seemed content. I believed I could finally let you go for good. You and Matt appeared to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”
He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, a nervous gesture instead of an exasperated one, this time. “You were right when you said I’m not the guy you used to know. I’ve had to do things that sicken me, in the name of my job, but I have always told myself it was for a greater good. I haven’t written music or touched a guitar since the night they shot me. I used to be so clear in my quest, but I don’t know what I am doing anymore.” He paused a moment and looked over at me as I watched his every facial expressions. “I still care about you, Ellia, but I�
�m not the kid who loved you. I’m getting through life as a machine for the FBI while chasing my own vendetta; which makes me no better than the men who started this mess. Even though I knew you struggled after my death, I never actually saw you, so I didn’t grasp the depth of your despair. Seeing first hand, not just through the words of a third party, how much pain you are in, really drove home what I did to you. My job didn’t seem as important as repaying a debt to you. Once this case is over, and you are safe, I am done with the lying, the deception, and the killing. Being a cop was never something I dreamed of being; I wanted to play my music; that’s it. Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror when I realize how far away I am from the man I wanted to be.”
Silence sat between us for minutes because I didn’t know how respond to what he said. A thought plagued me, though. “If those men had not drawn me into this, would you have ever told me you were alive?”
He rubbed his chin and glanced at me. “When I completed what I set out to do, I planned to tell you if you were still single. If you had married and/or had kids, I would’ve never come forward. If you were lucky enough to find happiness, I refused to complicate or risk ruining that for you. More than anything, I wanted to see you joyful again, and if that meant leaving you alone, then I would give up my selfish desire to insinuate myself in your life again.”
I was thankful for his honesty, but he needed to understand my truth. “It doesn’t matter now, but I might have married Matt someday. Would I have been happy or joyful? Maybe in snippets, but never to the core of my being. You may have viewed my grieving from the outside, but you didn’t sit inside my torture. Your death damaged me irreparably, and I was incapable of loving Matt the way he deserved. That fact alone brings me tremendous guilt. It’s unfixable because he’s dead. You cannot imagine the weight of such culpability. I left FBI custody because I planned to kill myself, simple as that. I had no real plan, and honestly, my thoughts were so jumbled with emotion, I couldn’t think straight. My life is unbearable at times because I am all the things you said—weak-minded and pathetic. I’ve carried so much anger and sadness for so long, I am spent—exhausted. Logically, I recognize none of this was ever your fault, and I apologize for being so difficult and nasty to you. Never would I really wish you were dead, and I regret those words terribly. You don’t owe me anything, so please don’t ruin your life for such a ridiculous notion. I’m not great at coping, and I needed to direct my pain and resentment somewhere—it landed on you, and I’m sorry. Sometimes I am just as selfish and cruel as my father, which makes me hate myself even more. I’m drowning in guilt and all the old wounds are an anchor keeping me under the water, but it’s my problem, not yours. I’m broken beyond repair, but that’s due to my own character flaws.”
He reached over and took my hand. “You’ve had a difficult time, but it will be over one day. What I want more than anything is for you to heal, and I’ll do whatever I can to help you. I’m sorry I hurt you so profoundly, and I know the words don’t fix anything; but I mean them. I’m also sorry about Matt. His death wasn’t your fault, Ellia. Your father’s sins are not yours to bear.”
“And maybe bringing my dad to justice was never your burden, either.”
He didn’t respond, just let go of my hand and placed both of his on the steering wheel. The small vulnerable glimpse I’d gotten of him was replaced by the stone exterior that chilled me. We drove for hours as I dozed in and out of a painful slumber. Well into the night, Cade stopped for coffee and brought me ibuprofen for my discomfort. As I sipped the warm drink, my mind slipped back to the past again.
Chapter 9
“Well, let me see it,” said my mother, waiting inside the door when I returned home after my date with Cade. “I want to see how it looks on your finger.” I held out my hand for her to examine it. “The ring is beautiful. Are you happy?”
“I am ecstatic. How did you know?” I asked.
“Cade came to me and requested permission to give you a promise ring. I helped him pick it out at the jewelry store. At first, I admit, I was hesitant about the idea; you are both so young, but he has proven his devotion to you, and I have no doubt in my mind that he loves you, Ellia. Your commitment to be together went beyond a lustful teenage infatuation, and that’s why I removed the ban and agreed to the ring. I had to watch you two suffer under my command for weeks on end, but you never complained or fought with me, making me realize I needed to let you go. I hope you are happy,” she said.
“You cannot even imagine how elated I am. Life could not be any more perfect than it is right now. We are in love, and we are going to college together, and then we are going to get married and be together forever.” I hugged my mother. “Thank you, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Now off to bed,” she said. “You are not an adult yet so go get some sleep.” She smiled and swatted me on the butt as I ran up the stairs.
In bed, I lay thinking about Cade for hours while looking at my ring from all angles. Goose bumps covered my skin when I replayed the evening in my mind. God, how I loved that boy, and the thought of being his wife sent my heart racing. I couldn’t wait for the day we could wake up in each other’s arms every morning. Sleep found me with the smile still on my face.
Graduation was upon us, and Cade was the official valedictorian. He agonized over his speech until I gave him the idea to write it as a song; that always came easy to him. The band had fired their new lead singer, so Cade went back to Detroit on the weekends to play with them. I stayed home, working my job and concentrating on finals. I was finally secure enough in our relationship to let him have a little freedom without worrying myself sick he would find someone else. Cade always crashed at his drummer’s house. Scott was the most responsible being twenty-two and married with a new baby. Trust or not, I was glad he wasn’t staying with any of the single party boys, like Brax, who was on the road to a serious addiction.
I’d talked to my dad just a few times that school year, but I never told him about Cade. It was something I didn’t feel comfortable talking about with him. I figured he wouldn’t care to hear about my love life, anyway. Cade had a bar gig planned near my father’s home two weeks after graduation, so I made plans to visit him since he’d already informed me he couldn’t make it to his only daughter’s big day. I decided it might be a good time for him to meet my future fiancé.
The morning of commencement, Cade was nervous. “You are such a weirdo,” I teased. “You get in front of hundreds of people every weekend and shake your sexy, little booty around, and talk to them like they are all your best friends; yet you are worried about a little speech. What gives?”
He laughed. “I know it sounds stupid, but I don’t know any of those people in the audience when I play. This is different, and I want to say something inspiring and memorable to my classmates.”
“I’ve read your speech, and it is inspirational, so stop stressing. If it makes you feel better, then sing it to them. Take your guitar on stage and make it a song. That would be a first and would be totally memorable,” I said, being serious.
“Hmm …you might be on to something, Mrs. Cantrell,” he said jokingly. I loved it when he called me that.
He was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I pounced on him, rolling him over on his back. “You will be amazing because you are always amazing, Mr. Cantrell.”
I was the Salutatorian of my class, but not required to give a speech, so I sat in my chair with my cap secured to my carefully coiffed hair, waiting for them to introduce Cade. I couldn’t wait to see what he was going to do. As soon as he was on stage, Mrs. Cash handed him his guitar, and I got butterflies. He said a few words to prelude the song, and then he sang it. It was beautiful, and he impressed me with his ability to create a musical score in such a short time. He received a standing ovation, and I had never been prouder.
We went to dinner with my family after the ceremony, but Maria and Ashley convinced us to attend a graduation party later that night. Neit
her Cade nor I really wanted to go, but we accepted the invitation, knowing it was probably the last time we would hang out with our high school friends.
“Oh my God, I can’t believe you actually came,” said Maria when she answered the door. She was already well into the festive spirit and reeked of beer. To my surprise, Ashley was tipsy, too. I wondered when my innocent friend had taken up drinking and felt a pang of guilt. I had pretty much dropped out of their world when Cade had filled mine. It occurred to me I’d never even missed them, which made me feel worse.
Cade and I mingled, and we both accepted a Solo cup of beer. “What the hell,” I said with a laugh. “We are graduates. Let’s just have fun with these people we’ll probably never see again.” I guzzled the beer, so Cade did the same. I didn’t stop there, though, and several cups in, I was laughing and dancing with my friends. Teenagers packed the house, and the living room had turned into a sweaty, grinding sea of drunken bodies trying to dance without falling. I was having so much fun, I lost track of Cade, but I hoped he was enjoying himself as much as I was.
Lonnie Bench was there with Jimmy and they insinuated themselves into the group of us dancing girls. A slow song came on and Lonnie pulled me into a dance. “I have always wanted to dance with you, Ellia,” he said. “You are so damn fine.”
I laughed at him. “And you, sir, are drunk.”
“Not that drunk. I mean it. I have wanted to go out with you since freshman year in I.T. class, when you saved my ass on a stupid assignment. You were always with Will, though, and now Cade. Nobody understands why you are with him. I get that he’s really smart and all, but you know he’s probably just gonna end up a drug addicted loser in a washed out band. That’s his thing right--his music? You could do much better. I’m going to Concordia to play ball, we will both be in Ann Arbor. Maybe we could hook up sometime?” he asked. He leaned in and kissed my neck. I recoiled at once.
