by Reid, Angela
“Quit it, Lonnie. I’m not interested.” I laughed at his boyish frown of contrition and continued dancing with him, hoping to diffuse a developing situation.
When the song ended, he grabbed my hand and pulled me from the fray. “Come on, I will get you another drink.” I saw him nod at Jimmy, and they led me out the back door.
“Where are we going?” I giggled. “The keg is in the kitchen.”
“Well, the good stuff isn’t,” he said and walked me to his car. He reached under his seat and produced a bottle of whiskey. Lonnie poured a generous amount into three red cups, and he took a long swig out of the container before passing the fifth to Jimmy who capped it and tossed it back in the car. I took the cup and smelled it.
“No way, I am not drinking this; it smells awful,” I said handing it back to him.
“Come on, Ellia, it’s our graduation. Let’s toast to getting the fuck out of this town,” he said, pushing the cup towards me.
“Fine,” I said, and held up my plastic tumbler to toast with Lonnie and Jimmy. I downed the burning whiskey. “Ick! That tastes freakin’ awful.”
“Yeah, it goes down rough but it will make you feel good,” retorted Jimmy. I watched him wink at Lonnie and wondered what the joke was.
“Let’s go back inside, Ellia, and dance some more.” Lonnie led me back, and we found a rhythm on the floor again. By the time the next slow song rolled around, the room was spinning in circles like a Disney tea cup. The sensation made me queasy.
“I don’t feel good,” I said to Lonnie. “I need to find Cade.”
“Come on, you can lie down upstairs, and I will go get him for you.”
I nodded, thinking the gesture kind, as he helped me up the steps. My balance was off and the stairs seemed to have doubled. I was shit-faced. He took me into what appeared to be someone’s master bedroom and laid me down on the bed. He got on top of me, grinding his hips into mine while he shoved his tongue down my throat.
“Don’t,” I said, trying to push him off of me. “Stop it Lonnie,” I yelled, struggling under his weight. Then my world went black.
The next morning I woke up with my head pounding like I was beating it on a pile of bricks. My room was around me and my pajamas were on my body; though I had no idea how I’d gotten in them or how I managed to get home. Panic set in as I remembered drinking an entire cup of whiskey after already being buzzed from the beer. Tears filled my eyes as my last memory was of Lonnie Bench on top of me. I got out of bed and searched for my phone. It was on the nightstand charging like it was every morning. I called Cade at once. It went straight to voice mail, but I didn’t leave a message. Uncertainty and fear gripped me, not knowing what had happened. I went into the bathroom and found my clothes from the night before in the hamper. Vomit stains covered the front of my shirt and jeans. I ran down the stairs, tripping on the last one and falling on my knees. Cade was asleep on the couch which gave me instant reassurance. His dead cell lay on the coffee table.
I could hear my mom in the kitchen so I stumbled into the room to face her disappointment. “Well, look who is up,” she said. “Did you sleep okay?” She smirked at me, and the tears burst out of me.
She regarded me with concern, putting her hands on my shoulders. “Honey, I am not happy you were drinking last night, but this is not the complete end of the world.” I was shaking all over. “Ellia, what’s wrong?”
“Mom, I’m scared; I don’t remember anything. I have no idea what happened or how I got home. What if he did something?”
“He didn’t,” said Cade, behind me, his entire demeanor covered in anger under his fat lip and swollen cheek. I wasn’t sure if the indignation was directed at me or Lonnie.
“What happened?” I asked with my heart pounding wildly, fearing the answer.
“You got drunk, that’s what happened. You went up to a bedroom with Lonnie Bench, and he tried to take advantage of your inebriation. I kicked his fucking ass--that little prick. Don’t worry, he didn’t get far with you. You were fighting him off of you when I found you. We needed to get out of there, but I’d had a couple of beers and didn’t want to risk driving so I called your mom. She picked us up from the party. Nothing happened, so don’t worry about it.”
“Jesus, Cade, why didn’t you tell me all of this last night?” asked my mother, pulling me into a protective embrace. “You said you tripped on the stairs and hit your face on the railing. Why did you lie to me?”
“I didn’t want to upset you, Mrs. Meyers, and I was afraid you would be mad at me for not watching her close enough.”
I freed myself from her and walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head on his chest. “Babe, I am so sorry. Can you please forgive me? I swear I didn’t know what was happening. We had a toast with whiskey, and I didn’t realize how drunk I was. Never would I have guessed Lonnie would …” I sobbed into his shoulder, and he put his hand on my back, patting it before stepping away from me.
“That fucking prick is to blame.” He looked at my mother. “Sorry for the language.” She waved him off while he continued talking. “I’m just glad my cousin developed a conscience before it was too late. He came and told me you went upstairs with that asshole. We should’ve never gone to that damn party, and we shouldn’t have drank, either. Most of all, I should have kept you by my side.”
“We need to call the police,” said my mother, slamming her fist on the counter. “Who does that son-of-a-bitch think he is?”
“No, Mom,” I begged. “I am so embarrassed. Can we please just forget it ever occurred? I’m sure Lonnie was drunk too, and it’s over now. Cade says nothing really happened. School is out, and I never have to see him again. Let’s just forget it.” I looked at Cade. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” I examined his face.
“I’m fine, it’s probably Lonnie you should worry about,” he said, laughing a little but with no real humor.
“Thank you, Cade, for watching over my girl. You did the right thing in calling me. I will leave it up to you what to do next, but I believe you should make sure he doesn’t do this again. Think about what might have happened if Cade had not been there, Ellia. What if he’s done this before but no one was there to help? I won’t make the decision for you, but you need to consider other potential victims besides yourself. Your own embarrassment is a small price to pay for getting rid of a predator.”
“It would be our word against his. I want to forget this, okay? It was stupid teenage drinking stuff.” I felt culpable for the entire thing and had probably given Lonnie the wrong idea. It seemed unfair to ruin his whole life over something that didn’t get very far.
“I still think you should press charges, but we will talk about this more when I get home from work. Are you both okay?” she asked. We nodded and walked her to the door.
My mother left, and I turned to Cade. “Are you sure he didn’t do anything to me?” I asked again. “Oh God, please tell me the truth. Don’t lie to me to protect me.”
He took his time answering, not meeting my gaze. “I swear to you, he got no further than kissing you. Like I already told you, I kicked his ass, and then I called your mom. If he had touched you, I would have killed him.” Something in his voice made me believe it wasn’t an empty threat.
He walked away, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets. I watched him stare out the front window. He spoke in a cool tone, not sounding like himself at all. “How you can be so damn gullible? Why in the hell would you drink with those guys in the first place? For the life of me, I don’t get why you went into a bedroom with him. Were you into him?” He clenched his jaw so hard, it twitched as he tried to control his temper. “What if I hadn’t been there? I don’t know if you are naive or if you just like pushing my limits. For such a smart girl, sometimes you are so fucking stupid.”
His words hurt more than a smack to the face, but I remained calm. “I was never into him. After we drank the whiskey, I was sick and needed to sit down somewhere. He said he’d
go find you once he got me settled. I am sorry Cade, please don’t be mad at me anymore.” My arms encircled him from behind.
I felt him relax, and he turned into my embrace. “Promise me you will be more careful. Please don’t drink like that again, of if you do, make sure you stay with me.”
“I have no plans drink again. I feel like death.”
“I bet you do.” He chuckled. “You don’t smell so good either.”
I laughed but knew it was true. Sweat and vomit clung to the air around me. “Okay,” I said, releasing him. “I’m going upstairs to shower.”
“Maybe I should help you with that.” He smiled wickedly as we held hands and ran up the steps.
***
We had crossed over state lines before Cade stopped for the night. Few words had passed between us since our initial conversation. He looked exhausted, his features slack as he struggled to keep his eyes open. Even though I’d slept in short intervals during our journey, I was in need of a break. Every part of my body ached, and I longed to lie down to relieve the strain in my neck. He pulled into a motel six and checked us in using cash. He parked the car in the back and carried our bags inside while keeping vigilant watch of our surroundings. There were two beds in the room. “Would you like to use the bathroom first?” he asked.
“No, you go first,” I said. “You’re beat and need to rest.” He nodded, the weariness evident in his posture. He came out minutes later dressed in his same clothes. He put his pistol on the nightstand and took the bed nearest the door. I headed into the bathroom to take my turn. I peed and brushed my teeth, taking note of my banged face in the bathroom mirror. When I was done, Cade was dead asleep, face down on top of the bedspread, hand near his gun. I pulled the covers off the other bed and placed them over him before crawling in next to him. Even though I was afraid to touch him, I took comfort in having him so close. I fell asleep but woke an hour later to him shaking me.
“Ellia,” he was saying. “Wake up, you’re dreaming.” I came to, trembling so hard my teeth knocked together. It was one of my usual nightmares involving Cade suffering a gruesome death. I was crying as always when roused from my dreamscape. “It’s not real,” he said again. In those first few moments of waking, confusion and fear gripped me. I wrapped my arms around him. “It’s okay.” His words were soft in my ear as he stroked my hair. Once I had a hold of him, I couldn’t let go, and he was gracious enough not to make me. I fell right back to sleep.
The next morning I woke up alone. I heard the shower running. The motel door remained locked, and all was undisturbed. His pistol lay on the night stand, and I sat on the edge of the bed touching its cold steel, wondering if I had the guts to pull the trigger. When he came into the room, bare-chested, using a towel to dry his hair, he saw my hand on his gun. “What are you doing?”
I yanked my hand away as if I were a child caught in the cookie jar. “Nothing,” I replied.
He sat down beside me. “Ellia, I need you to make me a promise.” I stared at my hands, not wanting to see the disappointment in in face. He knew exactly what I’d been thinking. “Swear to me you will not take your life. I would get you help if it was safe to do so, but right now all you have is me, and I am begging you not to do that.”
“I won’t, I promise. It was a fleeting thought; that’s all.”
“Look me in the eye and say it again.” He grabbed my chin and forced me to meet his gaze.
“I swear,” I said and pulled away from his touch.
“Good, we need to get back on the road. You can use the bathroom.”
“Okay.” I didn’t have a change of clothes, but I picked up my purse anyway. Cade had a bag, and he dug through it for a clean shirt. Stopping to study him for a moment, the tattoo over his ribs surprised me. He had my initials inked amidst angel wings. The artwork was a beautiful and intricate piece that spanned most of his side and camouflaged the scars from the shooting and surgery. Knowing he had carried me with him in some form, touched me on a deep level. The symbolism took my breath away, and without thinking, I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. He tightened up, like my touch was revolting, and uncoiled my limbs from his body. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I ran into the bathroom.
I showered, letting the rejection fall into the drain, and then brushed my teeth and hair. When I emerged, he was standing by the door waiting for me. “Ready?” he asked, not acknowledging the earlier scene. I nodded and followed him to the car. We had coffee for breakfast and then continued on our journey to nowhere.
“Where are we going, Cade?” I asked after hours of silence.
“Honestly, Ellia, I haven’t made a concrete plan yet. I figure if we keep moving, we can stay ahead of them,” he said.
“For how long?” I stared out the window into the rolling winter terrain, feeling the gloom of the sky in my heart.
“For as long as it takes,” he replied.
After an hour of staring at the empty corn fields, now barren and frozen, I looked over at Cade. He was still so handsome, even with the harder lines of adulthood. “You don’t have to do this. You don’t owe me anything. Please don’t throw away everything you’ve done with your life for me.”
He shot me a look of irritation. “I am doing what is right, so stop questioning my decision. The FBI will figure it out, and we can both return to our lives soon.”
Anger seemed to boil beneath his surface, and I wasn’t sure what I’d done to set him off again. You hugged him, you idiot. You are the daughter of the man who killed his family. He hates you, said the pessimistic voice inside me. Whether that was true or not, we were out of sync with each other, and I dreaded the days ahead. After his spiel the day prior about his need to protect me, today he seemed bitter about the sense of duty he’d imposed upon himself. I didn’t know where his head was at or my own. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead on them. We had been so close when we were young, it seemed unfathomable to feel so disconnected from him, yet here we were.
Hours of silent driving filled the day. Neither of us even bothered with the radio, just content to suffer with our own thoughts. When we checked into another motel that night, I was glad for the break in our awkward proximity. A repeat of the previous night occurred, except that he was still awake when I emerged from the bathroom. I crawled into the other bed and turned away from him. He shut off the light without saying a word.
A typical nightmare plagued me, and I woke to Cade shaking me again. “Jesus, Ellia, wake up,” I heard him say as I awoke. The sobbing that always followed my horrendous dreams started without my permission. He handed me a handful of tissues. “What are you dreaming about?” he asked. “Roberts and Mendiola told me you had bad nightmares, but God, Ellia, it’s awful. Tell me what you are seeing.”
“You … mostly,” I choked out. “And my mom and Matt, and Sam, but almost always you. Every night I dream about you dying in some horrific way, and I can never save you. It seems so real, and I am just so helpless. I’m sorry I woke you, but I don’t know how to stop them. I went through a spell like this after you died, but they eventually became less frequent. Since the safe-house, they’ve come back. Agent Mendiola gave me sleeping pills for about a week, but as soon as I stopped taking them, the nightmares came back.”
He scooted down on the bed and got face to face with me. “Ellia,” he said my name in a hushed tone. “If I could go back in time and change everything I would. I’m so fucking sorry for what I did to you.”
“I don’t blame you, anymore, Cade. We were just kids, anyway. Thank you for taking care of me, for protecting me since this all started. I’ve lost count of how many times you’ve saved me.” I wiped my eyes and stared into his. My heart seemed to liquefy in my chest, and I gave into an impulsive notion. I leaned in and kissed him. He tasted so good, and I didn’t want to stop. He put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me away from him.
“Ellia, I can’t be with you,” he said. “Not like that. You are vulnerable, and this wil
l not make you feel better. We can’t go back in time.”
I rolled onto my back, devastated by his rejection, and stared at the ceiling. “It’s fine. I’m fine. You can go back to sleep. I’m sorry I woke you.”
He let out a heavy breath. “Don’t be angry. I am not trying to hurt you.”
“Why do you have my initials tattooed on you?” I asked.
He sighed and sat up in the bed. “I was in love in with you. You seem to think it meant nothing to me, but it meant everything. I wanted to remember you.”
“I guess the difference is that I never stopped loving you--I still love you.” There, I said it, and I couldn’t take it back. I presented that lingering feeling I kept buried under all my resentment, and now he knew the truth.
He turned around and looked at me. “You don’t even know me, Ellia. Who we were when we were seventeen defined our relationship. We aren’t kids anymore—we are strangers. I have no interest in trying to rekindle what used to be. I’m sorry.”
He might as well have stabbed me through the heart. I turned away and curled myself into a ball, hiding my anguished tears from him.
His hand landed on my arm. “That didn’t come out right. I can often be insensitive which proves my point. I know that’s not who you remember. You are stuck thinking of me as Cade, the song writer, the kid who could express his feelings. That kid is gone, and I am what’s left. In my job, I have no room for emotions. I shut them off a long time ago, and that’s how I cope. I didn’t mean to hurt you. What I should have said, is that I will always love you, but I don’t want to be with you because I am scared I might destroy you again.”
“Maybe it’s a risk I am willing to take,” I said through my tears. Why do you keep setting yourself up for his rejection, you stupid, stupid woman? He’s right, you are strangers.
“Should you though?” he asked softly.
