False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1

by Reid, Angela

I rolled over and sat up to face him, brushing the tears off my face like a toddler. We stared at each other as minutes ticked away, and then I saw it—I saw the old Cade looking back at me with such tenderness it tore me in two. He was lying to himself if he thought that boy didn’t exist anymore.

  Without a word, I straddled his lap, forcing my lips onto his. I wanted to be with him, the new Cade, the old Cade, it didn’t matter. I craved him. He put his hands on my hips and tried to push me away again, but I was relentless and aggressive as I ground myself into him. I tore off my shirt and pressed my bare flesh against his torso while my mouth crushed his. I knew I had him when he fisted his hand in my hair, dragging me down on the bed and returning my advances. Passion consumed us as years of pent up emotion broke through our communication barrier. I thought I would die from the physical response my body had to this man’s touch. Nothing had ever felt so intense. I raked my fingers down his back and screamed his name when I came so hard, the first time, my frame convulsed.

  After hours of assiduous love making, the weeks of frustration and years of pain culminating in an obsessive physicality that neither of us could control once ignited; we wore ourselves out and fell asleep. There were no bad dreams to disturb my slumber. We had driven each other to point of collapse. Hungry desire that consumed me, overrode the aches from the car accident, and in the aftermath, I rested well.

  When I woke in the morning, stiff and sore, Cade was still asleep next to me. I watched him breathe. He wasn’t a boy anymore, and a man’s body replaced the one I used to know; but manhood suited him well. My eyes traveled his sculpted form, making me want to make love to him again. I could still see traces of the Celtic knot and Pikorua under his new tattoos, but they were shielded enough so no one else could decipher them. Black razor-sharp edges amidst softer swirls now covered his upper arms. The tattoos made me feel sad, knowing they concealed his past, but they also reminded me of us. He was the severe edge, hard and unyielding, and I was the swirl, flitting around him. A cross tattoo on his chest hid an entry-wound scar from a bullet, and I leaned over and brushed my lips over it.

  He woke and kissed the top of my head. I looked up and saw my old Cade looking back at me. He pulled me into him and we made love again; the urgency was gone. He took things slow and easy, taking his time getting me to climax, and I wanted to stay locked up with him forever.

  Afterwards, he gave me a long massage to ease my stiff muscles, and then we showered together. We were on the road before lunchtime.

  We went shopping, and Cade purchased new clothes for me. He also bought two disposable cell phones. “Just thought we should have these.”

  “Who is paying for all this?” I asked, once we were in the car and rolling down the highway.

  “I am.”

  “Thank you, but I will pay you back,” I said. “Odds are I won’t have a house or a job when I get home, but I will repay you when I can.”

  “Ellia, your installments are all being paid. Everything is being looked after until you return. I don’t want you to worry or become overwhelmed. I promise it will all be fine.” He took my hand in his.

  “What do you mean? Who is making payments for me?” He glanced at me, and I knew it was him. The FBI was not paying for anything.

  “You don’t have to do that. It’s your money, and as I’ve said, you don’t owe me a single thing.”

  “My father took out a large insurance policy on himself before he went to prison. The government seized all of his other assets, but he was thinking ahead. I was the sole beneficiary after my father’s death. Over the years, I tried not to touch it much, and I invested a good bit of it which proved lucrative. The FBI pays a fair wage, and I own nothing except this car and my motorcycle. I can afford it, Ellia. The money has just been sitting there unused for a long time. I want to do this for you.” He reached over to squeeze my hand.

  “I am at your mercy so I won’t fight you on it, but I will pay you back when I can whether you like or not.” He opened his mouth to protest, but I put my hand up to stop him. “Say nothing—it’s the end of this discussion.” He smirked with a half nod and kept quiet. Neither of us wanted to argue on the heels of such a perfect night.

  After driving into the afternoon in soundless contemplation, I finally asked, “Do you think my mom or Sam might still be alive?” I had not grieved either of them yet.

  “You know the likelihood is slim. I’m sorry,” he said.

  “I wish I had kept in better contact with him and my mom and visited more. I didn’t even go to my mom and Randy’s wedding. Randy died of a heart attack a few years back, and I didn’t go to his funeral, either. I couldn’t deal with my mom’s happiness or her sadness. It’s too late to tell her I am sorry for being a shitty daughter.” I cried for the millionth time but kept talking. “I should have made an effort to be a sister to Sam. We never got along when we were kids, and I dropped him from my life after I left for college. I don’t know how I became such a heartless person—maybe I always was.”

  “Ellia,” began Cade. “Your mom understood, I’m sure of it. As for Sam, well communication is a two way street. Cut yourself some slack.” He took my hand again, comforting me as we drove into the day. With nothing else to do, I let my mind return to the past again.

  Chapter 10

  After graduation night, I was rarely away from Cade’s side. We went to work, but always met up afterward, and he often stayed over at my house, though slept on the couch, per my mother’s rules. We were excited for the upcoming weekend in Detroit. He would finally meet my dad, who still wasn’t aware he existed. My father would be home the first evening down there, and after that, he was leaving town again, so we’d have the place to ourselves after that.

  “Ready?” Cade asked when I opened the door, his jeep running in the driveway.

  “Yep,” I replied, throwing my duffle bag over my shoulder, which he took from me and carried out to the jeep himself. “My mom wanted me to give you this,” I said, handing him a little silver angel.

  “What’s this for?” he asked, examining the angel. It was a visor clip.

  “It’s a travel angel to watch over you. She got one for my truck, too. They are supposed to keep us safe while traveling--she worries.” I laughed and rolled my eyes.

  “It’s cool. I like it,” he said, clipping the little angel to his visor. “I love your mom, she’s awesome.”

  “That might be a little over the top, but she can be okay. Are you nervous about meeting my dad?”

  “Um, yeah, that’s an understatement, especially since you haven’t even told him you have a boyfriend. Clearly, I don’t make a good first impression, and to top it off, he’s a cop. He won’t like me, Ellia, I can promise you that.”

  “I wish I could say it will all be good, but I can’t even guess what he might say. He’s practically a stranger these days. He never met Will, either. In fact, I don’t think I ever told dad about him, and we dated for three years. In the end, I don’t really care what he thinks. We are only using him for access to his house, anyway,” I laughed.

  “You are a bad girl,” said Cade, squeezing my hand. “One more thing I love about you.” He winked at me and smiled.

  It was a warm day, so we stopped and took the top down on the jeep. We cranked the music and sang over the din of the wind. It was a carefree time, so full of possibilities.

  When we arrived at my dad’s cape cod, I retrieved the hidden key. We went inside to find a note on the kitchen table.

  Hey, Kiddo, had to work late. Will try to catch up with you later, if not, enjoy the house-----Love Dad

  “Well, doesn’t that just figure,” I said, tossing the memo back on the table. “Seriously? The guy has not seen me in months, like since last summer, and he can’t even be here this one time. He is such a fucking asshole.” Hurt and anger welled up in me as I fought the urge to trash his house. Cade came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me.

  “It hurts your feelings; I can relate. My da
d doesn’t want to see me either. It sucks, and I’m sorry, babe.” He kissed the back of her neck, which never failed to give me shivers. “There is a bright side.”

  “What?” I asked, but already guessed what he was thinking by the way his hands were roaming.

  We were having so much fun defiling every room in my father’s house, Cade was almost late for his band gig. We cleaned up and headed straight to the bar. “Nice of you to show up, asshole,” said his drummer, teasing us. “I’d ask where the fuck you were, but I can guess.” He looked me up and down, and I blushed, causing them both to laugh at me. “Come on, let’s finish setting up this shit. Ellia you can sit with my wife.” I nodded and followed them into the tavern, grabbing equipment on the way.

  “Amy, this is Ellia,” Scott said, introducing us. “She’s Cade’s biggest distraction.” He laughed and Amy smiled. “Keep her out of trouble will ya?” I figured he was referring to my underage drinking from my previous trip to Detroit.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Ellia. Cade talks about you all the time. He is so cute, like a little lost puppy without you, he’s a great kid. We enjoy having him stay with us. The baby adores him, and he is so good with her. He has even gotten up to feed her at night to give me a break. Scott usually comes home from gigs half in the bag, so he is dead to the world. Be happy Cade’s a good boy and doesn’t drink or do any of that stuff. The guys tease him, but he lets it roll off his back.”

  “He’s the best,” I agreed.

  “So what do you think about the band going to Los Angeles? I am so stoked. I really believe they will make it big out there. Are you going with Cade, or what is your plan? I intend to stay here with the baby until Scott finds us a place to live, after that we are heading out there,” she said. “It is so cool that Cade’s ex still hooked him up despite the messy break up they went through.”

  Her words confused me. “I have no idea what you are talking about, Amy. Cade never mentioned California. We are headed to college in a couple of months. And what do you mean about his ex? What ex?” I asked. My face got hot as the anger built.

  “Oh shit.” Amy nervously squirmed in her chair. “I assumed he had told you. God, I am so stupid. Please forget I mentioned anything. He can tell you himself.”

  “He is getting ready to go on stage so he can’t. Please tell me what is going on so I don’t have to cause a fucking scene, okay?” I yelled, upset that Cade never mentioned one word.

  She sighed and shook her head. “Fine.” She took a gulp of her beer. “Cade used to date this Ivy League girl named Jenna. They were together about six months, I guess, and her dad is part owner of a record company out in L.A. He scouted the band when he was here in Detroit and wanted to sign them. That’s when shit got messed up for Cade, and he ended up in the sticks, no offense,” she said, referring to our little northern town. “Anyway, the deal was pretty much dead in the water, especially after Cade broke the girl’s heart. Well, she recently came to a couple of gigs and got her dad interested in the band again. They have a contract waiting for them if they move to California. This is the start of something really big for these guys. Their talent will take them to the top.”

  “And Cade said he is going? For sure?” I asked, my heart beating like it would explode.

  “Again, I assumed he wouldn’t pass up such an amazing opportunity. Basically, HE is the deal, so it’s off if he doesn’t go. That would devastate the band. Cade writes all the songs, and he is the heart of the group. The fact that they have failed miserably with every other lead singer they’ve hired, proves it.”

  I was floored. He hadn’t dropped even a hint of this information. He never mentioned hanging out with his ex-girlfriend, either—isn’t that convenient? I was so mad I wanted to smash something. I got up from the table and walked out the back door to get some fresh air, hoping it would calm me down before I did a regrettable act. It was dark and there was already a line of people waiting to pay the cover and get inside the bar. I wasn’t out there long before Cade came looking for me. “Shouldn’t you be on stage?” I asked angrily, turning my back to him.

  “Amy told me what she said to you.” He took me by the shoulders and made me look at him. “I’m not going to California, but I haven’t had the heart to tell them yet. I didn’t tell you because you’d want me to go and when I didn’t, you’d feel guilty, thinking you ruined something for me. If I went; I know you would follow me, making me responsible for ruining your plans. You and I mapped our lives, and that is the path I intend to take.”

  “How could you keep it from me? I am so hurt you didn’t share such major information with me. Why didn’t you tell me you were talking to Jenna again? I share everything with you, Cade, every single thing, but you always have secrets. Shit like this makes me think I can’t trust you. It’s like you pick and choose what you decide I need to hear, and you hide everything else. Not telling me is a lie by omission, and that’s not fair.” The tears fell, and I hated that my anger turned into a sloppy mess. “You said you want to marry me someday, but I can’t marry you if I am always the last to know about everything in your life. I should be the first.”

  “I’m sorry, babe, I didn’t want to upset you. The reason I didn’t tell you, was because I never wanted you to feel you held me back from something. There will be other opportunities, and I can wait for it. I don’t need my career wrapped up with Jenna, either. If you are worried anything happened with her, don’t be. I talked to her twice, and it was brief. What she did for the band, with her dad, was her doing. I didn’t ask her for it, and I would never cheat on you. If I had told you she was around, you’d have gotten clingy and jealous for no reason,” he said, his face close to mine. “I love you, and my life is with you.”

  “What else haven’t you told me, Cade? I want to know everything you have hidden from me. Why do you think I am that damn fragile? This is your last chance, so be honest with me. We are done if you don’t tell me the truth,” I said, knowing I’d never actually leave him but wanting to make sure I didn’t fall into anymore hurtful revelations. He stepped back and looked at the ground. Contemplation sat heavy on his face. “Tell me! I mean it, Cade, what else have you been keeping from me?”

  He cleared his throat and raised his face to me as Scott poked his head out the door. “Come on man, wrap it up, the peeps are getting restless.”

  “A few more minutes, play a fucking a solo or something,” said Cade crossly. Scott gave him a wounded look and closed the exit. “Do you really want to hear this, Ellia, because once I say it, I can’t take it back.”

  “Yes, tell me what you are hiding from me,” I pleaded, though fear consumed me, not sure I was ready for what he might say.

  “This has nothing to do with the band and is very personal to you,” he said while pacing in front of me. Tension built in me, waiting for him to come clean.

  “Just spit it out, for God’s sake.”

  He got close again so no one would hear him. “The night that Lonnie took you upstairs at the party, I lied to you about what happened.” He sucked in a deep breath and shut his eyes for a minute. When he opened them again, they brimmed with tears. “When I found you, he was … he was … you were … fuck!” he yelled and turned away from me, his hands in fists, so angry the vein in his neck popped out.

  He walked in a circle, running his fingers through his spikey hair before he got close to my ear again and whispered. “You passed out Ellia, and he planned to rape you. You were naked on the bed, spread out in full view, and his fingers were already inside you as he was getting himself ready. I lost control of myself and attacked him. It took everything I had not kill him. In the end, I gave him a choice. He could live with a disability and forego his football scholarship, or he could go to jail for the next twenty years. Lonnie chose a disability over prison, so I crushed his knee and tossed him out the window. The douche was so drunk he didn’t have a chance. I didn’t care if he died, Ellia; I didn’t care if I took his life. The ambulance and police arriv
ed just as your mom came for us. Lonnie blamed his injuries on the fall, and no one but he and I were the wiser. I never told you because I didn’t want you to have to live with that. I will always protect you, Ellia, and I did what I had to do. Our judicial system sucks and he might have gotten off because he didn’t actually rape you. His intent would be hard to prove based on the state you were in that night. I was glad he made the decision to let me hurt him. I made him pay the only way I knew how.”

  Tears fell as I stared at him. I felt so repulsive and violated. My stomach roiled, threatening to spill its contents. Not only was I grappling with what Lonnie had done, I had to wrap my head around my sweet, sensitive Cade, nearly killing a kid and crippling him instead.

  The bass player, stuck his head out the door next. “Frickin’ come on man. Why do you pull this drama shit every time this chick comes along? You have a fucking job to do. Let’s go!”

  “Fuck off!” yelled Cade. “Bother me again, and you fuckers can kiss my ass, I will be out of here.”

  “That’s just wrong man,” he said and slammed the door.

  “Talk to me, Ellia. You are scaring me.” Words eluded me, and I stared at him wide eyed watching his tears land on his T-shirt. “I love you. Please forgive me.”

  I covered my face with my hands. Shame consumed me. “How can you stand to even look at me? I am disgusting.”

  “It wasn’t your fault. You weren’t conscious, babe. It bothered me for a long time, but not because of you. I admit, I was mad as hell you put yourself in that situation, but I wasn’t angry at you for what he did. It didn’t change how I feel about you. If anything, it changed how I felt about myself. I never thought I was like my father, but the anger inside me was scary. I could have killed him, and I wouldn’t have felt bad about it at all. What the hell kind of monster does that make me?”

  “How could you pretend this didn’t happen? I had no idea you were carrying this around with you. How could I not see it? Why did you keep something this important from me?” I asked, going from hurt, appalled, and sad, to furious. “I need to get out of here,” I said, walking away from him.