by Reid, Angela
“Ellia, please don’t leave me.” His voice caught in desperation. “I wanted to protect you. I promise I won’t ever hide anything from you again. Please don’t leave me.” He sounded so despairing, it broke my heart, so I walked over to him.
“I’m not leaving you, Cade, but I need time to process everything. Please go play with your band and meet me back at my dad’s when you’re done, okay?” I asked. “I am sure you can fake composure for a few more hours, since you’re so damn good at acting. You will be fine.” I knew that last part was uncalled for, he felt bad enough, but I was angry at him.
“If that’s what you want me to do; I will go.” He looked wrecked, and it hurt my heart. “Please promise me you will be there when I get there.” He handed me the keys to the jeep. “I will get a ride as soon as I can.”
“Okay, I’ll be there,” I said, and walked away. I sensed his eyes on me until I rounded the corner where I got in the jeep and cried until my insides ached. My head pounded with all the information. If I didn’t remember being sexually assaulted, was it any less real or any less horrible? I didn’t know what to feel about it other than disgust and rage at Lonnie for violating me. Was it acceptable for a boyfriend to maim someone in my honor? What Cade had done to Lonnie, rocked me to the core. He got lucky that Lonnie had not broken his neck when he threw him out the window or pressed assault charges. Do I want to be with a guy who could do something like that? The answer seemed muddied because it made me wonder if I knew him as well as I thought I did. How could my gentle boy have that such uncontrolled fury in him? The recording contract was miniscule in light of the other revelations, but I had to consider that too. He was right, I would want him to take it, even though the idea of him being so far away made me physically ill. There was also the question of this Jenna person. Was he protecting me from being hurt by the truth of his infidelity? I was terrified that he was not who I believed him to be. It would kill me to find out that everything between us wasn’t real. Jenna could aid his career more than I ever could. I was a hindrance to him if anything. My imagination went in endless directions.
The black jeep roared to life, and I drove back to my father’s empty house. I was safe from rapist-high-school boys in my father’s home, so I headed straight for the liquor cabinet, needing to dull the brutal pain of Cade’s honesty. Taking down a fancy crystal glass from the top shelf, I filled it with ice. The green liquid that smelled mildly palatable, spilled over the cubes, filling the goblet halfway. I drank it fast, getting a brain freeze from the ice. The ice was a bad idea; I dumped it out into my father’s clean stainless steel sink. If I was going to chug booze, it needed to be room temperature. I refilled the cup half way and chugged that. It didn’t seem to work, so I inspected the bottle and realized it was a mix. There was nothing alcoholic in it. I laughed hysterically at my stupidity and failed attempt at getting drunk. I washed the glass and returned it to the shelf. Drinking was a terrible notion. The thoughts of Lonnie’s made me sick again, and I vomited right in my father’s pristine basin. I ran to the bathroom where I showered until the hot water tank emptied, and so did my tears. Logically, I understood it was ridiculous, I had showered many times since the incident, but this one was symbolic of getting Lonnie off of me. I threw on a tank top and pair of panties and laid in bed to wait for Cade. My eyes were raw and swollen. I didn’t want to dwell on it anymore because no clarity came. I fell asleep.
When he sat down on the edge of the bed, I startled. I backed away from him, frightened, not yet awake. “It’s me,” he whispered, reaching for me. I crawled into his lap, and he held me for a long time as the tears returned.
“Babe, I am so sorry.” He stroked my hair. “It was stupid of me not to tell you everything right away. Please forgive me. I am begging you give me another chance. I swear I will never hide the truth from you again, no matter how hard.”
“I am so scared, Cade,” I said.
“What are you scared of, El? Lonnie won’t hurt you again.”
“It’s not Lonnie. I’m petrified that you’re not who I thought you were. What if all these secrets are the tip of an enormous iceberg my heart will crash into, and I will drown? Why wouldn’t you discuss California and at least explore options? That’s what couples do, Cade. All of that pales compared to what you did to Lonnie. You permanently injured someone and acted like nothing happened. I’m afraid I’m being tricked, and it terrifies me more than anything else has.” My arms held tight to him, despite my words of reproach.
“You know me better than anyone has ever known me. I was stupid not to tell you about L.A., and I hope I explained my reasons well enough. It wasn’t to hurt you, and I am so sorry that it did. The other stuff was so damn awful. There was no reason for you to have to carry that around with you. I am so ashamed of what I did to him, and I’ve done a lot of soul searching since then. That’s not the man I want to be. I love my dad, but I never want to be violent like him. I am begging you to forgive me.” He cried. “I can’t lose you.” He coiled my hair in his hand.
“Don’t lie or omit information again. We have to have an open, honest relationship, Cade, or I can’t be with you. This stuff hurts so much worse after the fact. Having to hear things from other people makes me seem insignificant in your life. And, you have to promise me you won’t risk your own future in the name of protecting me. We should have gone to the police. What you did was wrong whether he deserved it or not.”
“I hate that you think less of me as a person. I’ve only ever wanted to make you proud of me, not disgusted or fearful. The blind rage I felt that night, even scared me, and I will never lose control like that again, I promise.”
My head on his shoulder. “I love you, and I believe you.”
“God, Ellia, I love you so much. I would do anything for you.”
I woke the next morning with Cade’s arms still encircling me, and I reminisced the night’s events. We needed to discuss his recording contract again. Even if he went without me, I could transfer out there by second semester. He may never get the opportunity again; it would be a mistake to waste it. I didn’t want him to become bitter and resentful because he gave it all up to stay in Michigan with me. We had to talk about it. He stirred. It had to be close to lunch time, and I was starving. I rolled over and looked at him. He said nothing, just stared at me, his expression unreadable. He reached out and touched my face, looking incredibly sad. “What’s wrong?” I asked, hoping he had no more earth shattering revelations for me.
“I had a dream you left me, and I guess I’m making sure you are really here. Are we okay?”
“I’m here, and we’re fine.” I leaned over and kissed him. “Don’t you know, I will always be here?”
***
I dozed off in the car, and when I awoke, Cade was parking at a barbeque joint somewhere in the Smokey Mountains. “Hey,” he said, “are you hungry?” I nodded. “Good, this place looks tasty. You always liked barbeque.” I smiled, surprised that he remembered. We went inside the little log restaurant and had a seat. We gave a plump, blonde waitress our order.
“Ah … that’s good beer.” He sipped a gourmet ale from a local brewery.
I took a couple of sips of mine, still being careful about drinking. The addiction I’d developed my freshman year of college terrified me. “It is tasty,” I replied, staring down into the bottle.
Small talk seemed to end there until he asked. “What’s the matter? Do you regret last night?”
I smiled at him. “No, last night was incredible.” The thought of it made me squirm, wanting to get him alone again. “I was daydreaming about the past again. I know you told me to forget it, and I did for years. But the flood gates are open, and I keep remembering things. The night you confessed about Lonnie and what he did, and what you did to him, was such a revelation. You said you would never lie to protect me again, and essentially that is just what happened.”
He sighed and looked down at his beer. The guilt sat heavy on his features, which was n
ot my intent. I reached across the table and took his hand. “I’m sorry. You are sick of me bringing up the past, but I realized that although you think you’ve become a different man from the boy you were, fundamentally, you are still the same person. We wasted so many years … Our story is just sad, that’s all.”
He looked at me and cocked his head. “Ellia, we are only twenty-seven years old. Our story isn’t anywhere close to being over yet.” The words sent my heart up on wings, and my eyes filled with tears, even though I was smiling. He pulled me across the table and kissed me. “No more lies, I promise,” he whispered. We sat back in our seats and he took my hand. “Do you know what happened to Lonnie Bench after that night?”
“No. You died, and I didn’t care what happened to anyone. I honestly never thought about Lonnie until today in the car.”
“He went to Concordia as planned, though not on a football scholarship, and he’s now a high school teacher. He coaches a varsity football team and married a minister’s daughter. They are devout Baptists and have two little kids—a boy and a girl.” He took another sip of his beer as I processed the information.
“I guess you kept tabs on everyone,” I said, looking down and swirling my beer.
“Lonnie was an asshole, but I always felt like shit for what I did to him. I wanted to see what a busted knee had cost him. He turned out to be a decent guy.”
“I’m glad, Cade, really I am.” Are you justifying what you did to that kid?
“I only mentioned it because you did, El. Don’t think I am excusing my behavior or taking credit for him becoming an upstanding citizen. I was just making conversation.”
It was eerie how he could still read my mind sometimes. “Got it,” I replied.
We finished cleaning the barbeque sauce off our fingers, and Cade drove through the winding mountains until we came to a sweet little cabin nestled amongst the trees. “What’s this?” I asked.
“I rented this place for us. We should be able to stay here for a while. It’s off the grid and there’s only one way in to the property. The owner left the key under the mat.”
“How did you find out about it? Last I knew, we were winging this trip.”
“I’ve been here before,” he said, not elaborating. “I remembered it earlier and booked it on my phone.”
“Did you vacation here? It’s beautiful.”
He was quiet at first, and then he finally answered. “I was here with my wife.” My jaw fell open in shock.
Chapter 11
Even with the air cleared, I knew Cade was still insecure and afraid I would run out on him at any minute. It was the first time in our young relationship where I was the one issuing the constant reassurances. My father never returned to the house, so we were on our own the rest of the weekend. We went out for lunch in Greek Town, and I tried a plate of octopus and squid, along with other assorted items on an appetizer platter. I honestly didn’t care for any of it, and neither did he as we made faces at each other across the table when each strange delicacy hit our palates, laughing at each other’s expressions. I pretty girl entered the restaurant, and Cade’s face paled when he saw her.
“That’s Jenna,” he said, searching my eyes to judge my reaction.
“Well, that’s a weird coincidence isn’t it?” I asked. The girl noticed us and flitted to our table. She was striking, and I was instantly jealous as I pictured her with him.
“Oh my God, Cade, how weird to see you here.” Her voice was so perky, I wanted to slap her. She had a beautiful head of curly blonde hair that reached her perfect heart shaped ass. Her big, sky blue eyes framed by long black lashes, gave her an appearance of wide-eyed innocence. She had a slim, yet curvaceous, figure and wore a short, designer skirt, a tight shirt that stressed her ample breasts. Long, shimmering, tan legs ended in stilettos, yet she still managed to not come off trashy, making me more envious. Her whole ambiance screamed high-class money. Next to her, I was a frumpy, ugly, creature in holey jeans and a tank-top. Every insecurity I’d ever had, came rushing at me like a freight train.
“Yeah …” said Cade, fidgeting with his silverware. “Strange.”
“So you must be Ellia?” she asked reaching out her hand. “Cade told me all about you. Oddly, you are not what I pictured though … hmm …” She drew out the sound while shaking my hand. She ran her eyes over me, like I was a freak show oddity before turning her attention back to Cade, dismissing my irrelevant presence altogether. “So Daddy is hoping that you and the band will sign the contract soon. You know how impatient he is. What is the hold up, hon’? Are there terms you are unhappy with in the fine print?”
Hon’? Did you just call him, Hon’? I will break your legs, you little bitch.
Cade glanced at me and read my features. He reached across the table and held my hand. “I’m not signing, Jenna. I’m going to college first, and then we’ll see what happens.” The look of incredulousness was priceless on the pretty girl’s face.
“What are you talking about, Cade? This is the break that every musician prays they get. I put myself out there for you, and you are throwing it all away? You angered my dad when you blew him off the last time; there is no way he will give you another chance. I can’t believe you. The band thinks it’s a done deal. How can you dash their dreams like that? Why are you being so selfish?” she asked, her voice so high pitched I wanted to plug my ears.
“Jenna, I never gave you, or my band, a definite answer. And just to be clear, your dad is not the only label. I am going to college, and I am marrying Ellia, in that order. If a recording deal is meant to be, it will come along when I am ready.”
“Are you being serious right now? Don’t throw this away for a stupid girl. Don’t you remember all the nights we lay together talking about how much you wanted this opportunity? Your family ruined it for you once, don’t let this slip from you again.”
“My decision is final.” He squeezed my hand for reassurance though I wasn’t sure if it was for me or him.
Jenna glared at me. “You should be ashamed of yourself making him give up his lifelong dream for you. Honestly, I do not understand what he sees in you. You are a troll.” She swung her glare back to him “God, Cade, grow up, this such an important deal for you. You know I would do anything for you. I am enabling you to have the life you always wanted. Are you telling me you’d throw it all away for that?” Jenna pointed at me like I was a pile of dog crap. Although I was angry, I was too intimidated by her to defend myself. Besides, she only vocalized the way I already pictured myself.
“Do not speak to her that way, Jenna,” he said with a warning in his tone. “This is my choice. Stay out of my fucking life. I don’t owe you or your dad a goddamn thing.” He seemed angrier than I would’ve expected. His jaw twitched and the vein in his neck pulsed. I wondered why this girl got him so riled.
“Fine, if that is what you want, then that’s the way it will be. We don’t need you. My dad only signed you as a favor to me, anyway. He thinks you’re a second rate talent at best. Go to hell, Cade Cantrell,” she said and stormed out of the restaurant. He sat back in his chair and let out his breath.
She made a rhyme, I mused to myself, but didn’t point that out to him. He didn’t seem in a humorous mood anymore.
For a few moments, he looked out the window, not saying anything. I pulled my hand out of his and got serious. “Why are you so upset? Are you sure you want to give up this opportunity? I will support you in whatever you decide, you know that. Please don’t throw this away because of me. We’ll work it out. You promised me you would be honest with me, so spill your guts.”
He pointed at me. “That … That right there is the reason I am so pissed off, Ellia. I knew you would push me to sign the contract, and she just cemented it in your head. I do not want to go right now. How many times do I have to fucking say it? I especially never want to live under Jenna’s thumb. Let’s drop this bullshit and enjoy our weekend together.”
“Okay,” I whispered, not wanti
ng to fight anymore. Accusations would do nothing but ruin our day. We finished the rest of our meal in an awkward silence, but he seemed to shake his dark mood as the afternoon progressed. We did some shopping and goofing around, until it was time to go back to the house. Cade needed to pick up his guitars before the night’s show. We stopped for a quick dinner on the way, and it was much less dramatic than lunch had been.
Once back at the house, I could tell Cade’s mood was slipping back into the murky side. “What’s wrong?” I asked him.
“Nothing—well, nothing to do with us, so don’t worry. I am dreading telling the band I’m out. They will be so damn pissed and disappointed. I feel like such a selfish jerk for taking their opportunity away. I guess that’s why I got so upset with Jenna today. She put me on blast.” He lay back on the bed with his arms folded under his head, looking at the ceiling. “This sucks, it just sucks. This whole weekend has been crap.” I crawled onto him, straddling him in my tight black jeans and even tighter T-shirt that sported his band’s name. He grabbed my hips pressing into my flesh with his thumbs. His excitement became evident below me, and I wanted more than anything to ease his anxiety. “I’m sorry she was so mean to you. You are gorgeous and look so freakin’ hot right now,” he said, staring up at me with longing. “Maybe I should stay here with you and forget my gig.” He sat up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist.
“You can do this. They will get over it, and if they stick it out with you, the reward will be that much sweeter. Screw them if they don’t want to wait for you. Start a new band or go solo if they want to be assholes. Even Amy said YOU are the heart of the group, Cade, and they aren’t anything special without you.” I kissed him, grinding my body seductively into his; wanting to make him forget his troubles--forget Jenna.
When we finished making love, I grabbed my jeans up off the floor and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. “You messed up my hair and makeup,” I said laughing.
