by Reid, Angela
“You’re still beautiful, and I love you” he said with an expression that made me believe him.
“I love you too.”
He pulled me back on the bed with him. “I wish you understood how much you mean to me. Someday, I hope you will let go of all the doubts and realize that you hold my heart completely in your hands.”
Time was running short. We got in Cade’s jeep and arrived at the club just before the first set was to start. I sat alone that night and listened to them play. They played well, but Cade’s soul wasn’t in the performance. He bore the weight of his decision, but I was the only one who noticed. The music thrilled the crowd. When the show ended, I helped them load all the equipment into Scott’s old van. We all stood talking about nothing important as Cade stalled for time, knowing he had to tell them the truth, but not able to find the words. I felt so sorry for him. These guys were his friends, and the news might sever all their ties.
A black car with tinted windows drove into the parking lot. Nobody paid much attention until Scott noticed the barrel of the gun sticking out the window. He yelled as the first shot rang out missing everyone. In the chaos, I had stepped into the path of the gunman. Though I couldn’t actually see his face, I could’ve sworn he was looking at me—aiming for me. I froze, too terrified and confused to make a decision. Cade pushed me to the ground as the next two shots sailed through the air, both hitting him in the chest. He fell to the pavement, as if in slow motion, and the screams erupted from my throat as his blood pooled at my feet. The black car sped away.
“Cade!” I screamed, falling to my knees and cradling him to my body. “Get an ambulance!” The tears rolled from my eyes like salty ocean waves. He stared at me, dazed and terrified as blood trickled from the corner of his mouth. “Cade, oh Cade, please, God” I sobbed. Scott was on his knees next to us.
“Hang on, buddy, help is coming,” he said, as Cade coughed up a splatter of plasma all over both of us.
“What … who?” he uttered before another coughing fit shook him, sending out a second shower of sanguineous fluid. A crowd had gathered around us, and the rest of the band worked to hold them back. An unmarked police car was first on the scene, and I couldn’t believe it was my dad. He helped secure the area while we awaited EMT’s. Shock registered on his face when he saw me.
“Jesus, Ellia, are you all right?” he asked, looking me over thoroughly.
“Someone shot Cade,” I bawled, and my father turned his attention to the boy I cradled as his life spilled onto the pavement. He got on his knees next to him. “His pulse is good,” he said removing his fingers from the side of Cade’s neck. “Paramedics are in route. What the hell are you doing here?”
I was too distraught to answer questions. Cade was no longer conscious, and I was screaming at him to wake up and look at me. When the ambulance arrived, my father had to pry me away from him. “Ellia, you have to let them help him.” I was shaking and crying, beyond consolation. He wrapped me in his suit jacket as police cars swarmed the area, illuminating the night with emergency lights.
When they loaded Cade into the back of the ambulance I tried to go with him, but my dad took me by the shoulders and pulled me away. I fought him. “I have to be with him, let me go! Damn you, let me go!”
“Stop it, Ellia. We will follow right behind them while you tell me exactly what happened.” He pushed me into the passenger side of his unmarked car and got in beside me. He turned on the police light perched on the dash, and we paced the EMT’s. “Who is this kid to you, and why were you here?”
“He is my boyfriend,” I started. “He is more than my boyfriend, he is my whole life. I wanted you to meet him this weekend, but you weren’t home. Who did this? Why did those men shoot at us?”
“How long have you been seeing this boy?” he asked sternly.
“Over nine months,” I sobbed. “We are going to college in the fall, and then we will get married. He can’t die. I won’t let him die.” I was nearing hysteria.
“Ellia!” he yelled, again. “You need to calm down and tell me exactly what happened. Take a deep breath.”
I did as he said and recounted the events leading up to the shooting. My dad asked who might have a score to settle. “He is a good kid, dad,” I sobbed. “Cade was valedictorian of our class and has an academic scholarship to U of M. He has no enemies. I am not sure they were even shooting at him. I think they were aiming at me, but I can’t be positive. It was just so chaotic. It happened so fast.”
“No one was shooting at you, honey. It might have been a random drive by, or maybe someone else was the target. Could they have been after one of his band mates?”
“I have no idea, I barely know those guys. Cade comes down here and plays on the weekends, sometimes, but I’ve only come with him a few times. Why aren’t they driving faster, dad? Does it mean he’s dead? He can’t be dead.” I was choking on my tears and mucus.
“Calm down and talk coherently. I need more details about this,” he yelled.
“Fuck the stupid details. I told you everything. The man I love is in an ambulance in front of me with bullets in his chest. That is all I care about right now!” I screamed the words at him, and he remained quiet.
We arrived at the hospital, and I jumped from the car while it was still moving, falling as my body hit the pavement that was passing under me. I skinned up my forearms and knees, tearing the fabric off my black jeans, but I got to my feet quickly and ran to the ambulance as they unloaded Cade. He was alive and hooked up to an IV. Massive bandages, seeping blood, covered the wounds on his chest. He didn’t seem to be conscious. “Cade,” I yelled to him. “Cade, Cade …” My father came up behind me and spun me into a hug.
“Take it easy, baby girl. He is at a good trauma center. Just relax and let them care for him.” I sobbed into my father’s chest. He walked me into a waiting room and sat me in a chair. He flashed his badge to the triage nurse as he spoke to her. When he returned, he ushered me into a small private room with glass in the door, leaving me alone with my fear as my insides coiled into twisted knots. I was hugging myself and rocking back and forth like a deranged person. A nurse appeared and wrapped me in a blanket. The heat did little to stop my shivering. I wasn’t cold; I was terrified.
My father came in a few minutes later to interrogate me again. “I need answers, Ellia. Start from the beginning. Tell me how you know this boy. If you want me to catch whoever did this to him, you have to explain everything. The nurse is aware we are waiting for information, so as soon as they have anything, they will come to us. In the meantime, I need more details.”
I didn’t want to talk, but he wouldn’t relent until I did. It was his job, and better him than a random cop. I relayed all the details of my relationship with Cade as if performing a monotonic soliloquy, including how we’d met. I laid out Cade’s entire back story for his review.
“He has overcome so much, and he is the best person I have ever known,” the sobbing picked up again, and my father put his arm around me.
“I wish I had learned about this sooner.”
My father left me alone again, and hours seemed to pass with no word on his condition. I was approaching a near catatonic state when a nurse returned with a wash cloth and a hot coffee. She tried to clean the blood off of me and get me to drink something warm to help the shivering, but I pushed her away from me. I didn’t want any comfort until I knew Cade was out of danger. He should’ve been out of surgery by then, and I was tired of waiting alone in the small room. I went to the surgical lobby where I saw a policeman and two men in suits standing in the hallway, having a heated, yet hushed, discussion. A rough looking long-haired man in a leather coat joined them as I approached.
My father held up a finger to the men when he saw me walking towards them. He met me half way down the corridor and touched my shoulder to steer me back to the private room. “I know nothing, Ellia, but I have police business to attend to right now. As soon as I hear anything, I will come to you. Yo
ur mom will be here soon, so please stay put until she gets here.” He left me in the little room again, this time with a uniformed officer outside the door. My dad was holding me prisoner, and I did not understand why.
Two more hours passed before anyone came in again. I badgered the deputy for news, but no would tell me nothing. I was nearing a mental breakdown when my mother and Sam walked in the tiny room. “Ellia,” she said, closing the space between us. Her voice was thick from crying. “Is there any news, yet?” I shook my head and broke down into racking sobs.
“Mom, I’m so glad you are here,” I choked out through the tears that mingled with Cade’s blood and stained my mother’s shoulder.
“Oh honey, I am so sorry. I got here as soon as I could.”
“They won’t tell me anything. I don’t know if he is dead or alive. Why won’t they tell me something?” I was still shaking despite the blanket that wrapped my small frame.
“I will see what I can do. Sam, stay with your sister,” ordered my mother. Sam led me to a chair and guided me down into it. He sat in the one opposite, not saying a single word.
A short time later, both of my parents appeared, and I could see by her mother’s agonized face, the news was not good. “Mom? Tell me he’s okay. Oh God, please tell me he’s okay!” Her expression said it all before her words could.
My mother shook her head, the tears falling from her bloodshot eyes. “I’m so sorry, baby. They did everything they could, but …”
“No, no no!” I screamed. “It’s a mistake. It has to be a big mistake. I want to see him! Let me see him!” I tried to push past my parents, but my father blocked me. I struggled to free myself.
“Stop it!” he ordered as I continued to struggle. “Ellia, I said stop! I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Then let me fucking go--let me go!” I screamed, clawing at his face.
“You can’t see him. He’s gone, and there is no reason for you to have to remember him that way.” He spun me around, keeping a hold on my waist, and pulled my arm up behind me as if I was resisting arrest. I wanted to kill him as the pain shot through my shoulder.
The truth overwhelmed me, and the anger fell away as my body turned to jelly. I collapsed. My father scooped me up in his arms “Where’s your car?” I heard him ask my mother. He carried me out and deposited me in the back seat. “Take her to my house and get her cleaned up, Beth. I will be there shortly. Give her this.” He handed my mom a bottle of pills, and she didn’t argue. Sam got in next to me, I imagined to hold me down if I tried to jump out of the car.
I was in shock and barely conscious when we arrived, so Sam carried me inside to the spare bedroom where Cade and I had made love for the first time. Wailing sobs escaped me. My mother came in and tried to comfort me while trying to clean me, but I slapped at her, not wanting anyone to touch me.
“You are going to get through this, baby,” she said through her own tears. “We will all get through this. Take this, honey.” She held a pill to my lips. At that point, I didn’t care what they gave me. I would swallow the whole bottle if I could. I would do anything to stop the searing pain in my heart. “Rest baby, just rest,” my mother soothed.
The medicine quickly took effect, and I fell into a dark slumber for many hours. When I woke the next day, it was late in the afternoon. I was alone in the room and confused at first. The bedroom wasn’t my own. When I realized I was at my dad’s house, one memory followed another. Cade was dead, and I felt my soul crumple in on itself. The sobbing returned with a vengeance. Both my parents came to my side, and my mom enveloped me like a soothing blanket. “It will be okay, baby,” she said rocking me back and forth. “It’s going to get better, I promise.”
My father stuck another capsule in my mouth. “It’ll take the edge off, Ellia.” They could give me cyanide, I wouldn’t care. I swallowed and continued to cry. My mother stayed by my side, but my dad left the room. He’d never been there for me, and he still wasn’t. Cade meant nothing to him, anyway, I reasoned. As the drug kicked in, it had a calmative effect. My mom exited when my tears subsided, and I fell into a zombie state, staring at the ceiling for hours in the aftermath.
When the effects of the pill wore off, the hysteria returned, and it scared me to have no control of myself. My mother came in and gave me another dose of the mind numbing drug. “Cade’s aunt and uncle are having his body taken up north, honey. The funeral is set for Wednesday. Do you want to go home today?” she asked.
“Yes,” I responded, my voice reduced to nothing but a hoarse whisper.
“You need to get out of bed and take a shower, Ellia. I have food ready for you downstairs, and we’ll leave after you eat something.” My mom took my arm and helped me off the bed. She led me to the bathroom and deposited my bag at my feet. “Do you want me to help you?”
“No. I can do it,” I muttered. My mother rubbed my back and then left me alone. I looked at myself in the mirror. Cade’s blood lay smeared on my face and caked in my hair. Snot clung to my cheeks in dried hard streaks. Although it was macabre, I didn’t want to clean his blood off of me. I wanted to keep it forever. It was all I had of him. I sat down on the toilet, refusing to shower. An hour went by before my mother returned, knocking and entering at the same time.
“Honey, what are you doing? Get into the shower,” she said. “I will help you.” She took my arm and tried to remove my blood stained T-shirt.
I pulled away. “Don’t touch me. I want to go home.”
“We will, but you need to wash that off of you. Just let me shampoo your hair and wipe down your face if nothing else, okay?” my mother pleaded.
“I don’t want to wash. Leave me alone!” I turned away from her like a pouting toddler.
“Why Honey?”
“It is Cade’s blood, and I want to keep it. Go away.” I violently pushed her, and she almost fell into the shower.
“You can’t keep it, Ellia. It won’t bring him back. You need to face this.” My mom cried. “Please get in the shower; I can’t bear to see you like this.”
“Then don’t look at me,” I said. My mother got up and left the room. I stayed sitting on the toilet staring at the stone tile work on the floor, wishing I could fall through it and stop existing. My father entered next.
“Ellia, you will wash yourself, or I will do it for you,” he said, taking my arm. I struggled away from him and took a swing. He grabbed me and held my arms down while turning on the shower. He forced me in and yanked my clothes off of me at the same time. I watched the last of Cade flow down the drain, and I screamed again, but it came out in squeaks and squeals as my voice was gone from all the sobbing. My father pinned me as if I were a violent suspect, and he scrubbed my hair. The struggling ended when the water ran clear. I had nothing left to fight.
My dad eased me down on the shower floor and finished the job. He turned off the shower when I was clean and stepped out, his own clothing dripping. Reaching under the sink, he produced a big towel and dried off his clothes to the best of his ability and then dried me. After wrapping me in the terry cloth that smelled brand new, he picked me up under my arm pits and put me back on the toilet to brush and dry my hair. My mother returned, and the two of them dressed me as if I were an inanimate play thing.
“I’m sorry, Ellia, but it had to be done,” she said, the sadness heavy in her voice. I didn’t speak to her or anyone else. My mother led me downstairs to the kitchen where I refused to eat, or drink, or do anything but stare into an empty world.
“Just take her home, Beth. If she doesn’t snap out of it in a few days, call a doctor. Give her the medicines as prescribed, for now. She’ll be okay, though, I am sure of it,” I heard my father say. They led me out to my mother’s car and said their good-byes. I watched the city disappear behind me, knowing I was disappearing with it. Merciful sleep found me before we even hit the expressway.
Chapter 12
“Your wife?” I said with my heart racing. His revelations never seemed to end. “Are
you married?”
Cade laughed. “She wasn’t really my wife. It was an undercover thing, and she was pretending to be my wife. I just wanted to watch your reaction.”
“You’re an asshole, Cade Cantrell,” I said, swatting his arm, but glad to see a little humor back in his void personality. I was quiet as we parked in front of the cabin. It bothered me though. The thought of him with another woman still had the power to get me upset, which seemed ridiculous. The sulkiness and melancholy settled on me again.
“I guess it shouldn’t matter if you had married, after all, I thought you were dead, so what difference would it have made? You probably spent time with many women in the last decade.” It sounded petty and harsher than I intended. He said nothing, just got out of the car and unloaded our bags. The covered porch held two rockers which sat side by side swaying in the breeze as if specters were in attendance. I followed him inside on the wake of our silence. The place was bigger than expected, and a beautiful fireplace with a moose head above it graced the main room. A little country kitchen was off to the right. A set of split log stairs led to a loft area where I could see comfy chairs and a built in bookcase overflowing with books.
“What do you think?” he asked.
“It is cute,” I replied, and walked to the huge windows flanking the ledge rock fireplace. The view was spectacular, looking down over the hills of Tennessee. “Amazing,” I said. “How long did you stay here?”
“A weekend, but I always thought it would be a cool place to visit again.”
“Yeah, a great little hide-away for a married couple to vacation.” I smiled at him, trying to be funny and hide my jealousy.
“I will show you the bedroom,” he said, ignoring the comment. He took my hand and led me to the master on the main floor. A large walkout opened onto another spectacular view which extended to a private deck with a hot tub nestled in the corner. We walked outside, and the cold air made me shiver. December had arrived and winter was upon us, yet the weather was still mild compared to Michigan. He lifted the lid to the hot tub, and steam poured out. “That looks good, huh?”
