by Reid, Angela
“Stop examining everything and try to rest.” He rolled me over and put his forehead on mine. “Your heartbeat, your breathing pattern, and every muscle in your body is affected when you get caught up in your head.” He ran his hands up and down my back, massaging the knots. “Dwelling on the past and questioning the future will do nothing but drive you crazy.” He brushed a tear from my cheek, and I rested my head on his chest, listening to rhythmic beat.
His warm body wrapped me like a blanket. “Go to sleep, El. Rest your mind. I love you.”
When I woke in the morning, I was alone in the bed, but I could see Cade through the open door, standing in the kitchen cooking. The aroma filled the small cabin, and I was famished. I rolled off the mattress, searching for my clothes that had been flung somewhere in our haste the night before, and I smiled to myself. At least we were in complete sync in that one area, and it gave me butterflies. I abandoned the search for my shirt and got a fresh one from my bag. The memory of the accident crept back in when I glimpsed myself in the mirror. I noted the bruises that lingered on my face, and I threw a mental blanket over the recollection, refusing to review it. The things hiding under there were piling up even though the memories kept spilling out everywhere. I needed it to stop.
“Smells good,” I said, tying the strings on my sweat pants. The fireplace roared, and the cabin was almost hot. He smiled and brought me a cup of coffee.
“It’s almost ready.” He turned his back to me and finished cooking. Freshly showered, his hair was still damp. He wore a white T-shirt that molded to his every curve, and I marveled again at his beauty.
After breakfast, Cade surprised me. “Let’s go to town to pick up supplies and get you a good pair of hiking boots. You will love the trails out here,” he said.
“Is it safe to be in public?” I asked, uncertainty creeping around inside me.
“Probably not, but I am not leaving you here alone, either. We need food, though, so I have little choice. You can wait in the car with a gun, and I want you to wear this.” He pulled a knit cap out of his bag. “Tuck all your hair up in the hat and keep your sunglasses on at all times.”
I took the items and did as he said. Once in town, Cade did the grocery shopping while I stayed in the car like his dutiful pet. After stocking up the necessities, he went to a shoe store and came out with a pair of boots. When we got back to the cabin, he motioned for me to sit in a chair. He got down on one knee and put the Lowa Renegade on my foot, lacing it up and checking the fit. I flashed to that night at his boss’s lake house, when he had knelt in front of me with a promise ring. My heart seized, as always, with the memory.
When I looked up, he was staring at me again. “Stop thinking, Ellia,” he repeated. I shook off the pain and nodded. He slipped the next boot on my foot.
“I feel like Cinderella.”
He smirked. “Sorry, I’m no prince.”
“I suppose not,” I said, as the sadness of the past sat on my shoulders again. He had been my prince once, but that boy died one summer night in Detroit. He studied my face for a moment, and for the first time, I saw profound anguish in his eyes. Once he pulled my jean legs down over the new boots, he got up and walked into the kitchen, getting a glass of water.
I followed him and wrapped my arms around his waist. “I’m sorry.”
He turned into me and kissed me. “Nothing to be apologetic about, El. I know the truth of what I am, and I have to live with it. Want to go for a walk?”
“Okay,” I said, disentangling myself and grabbing a coat.
Cade put four water bottles in his backpack and shoved a pistol into mine. “Why are you giving me a gun?” He always had his gun strapped to his body, so I wasn’t sure why he thought I needed another one in my pack. Guns made me nervous.
“It’s for you. When we get out on the trail, I want you to practice shooting it. From now on, I want a weapon on you at all times, and I want you to feel comfortable using it.”
I shivered, the fear running through me again, remembering I wasn’t on vacation to rekindle an old relationship, I was hiding from lunatics.
Cade was right, even in the winter, the Smokey’s were beautiful. We hiked for an hour and ended near a waterfall. We shot at targets, after he gave me lengthy lecture in gun safety. He stood behind me, instructing me how to hold and shoot the weapon, but the proximity of his body made it hard to concentrate. I deliberately tried to turn him on by rubbing my bottom against his groin, but I only managed to annoy him, not arouse him.
“Stop it, El, now is not the time. You need to take this serious so you can defend yourself if something happens to me.” He scolded me with a harsh tone.
That was all he needed to say to change my mood. My worry and fear surrounded me like a hungry wolf pack. I focused on the task at hand and shot a decent grouping on the target.
“Good,” he said, impressed. “When we get to the cabin, I will teach you how to clean your weapon.”
We packed up our things to leave, but Cade stopped and put my backpack on the trail. He kissed me with intent, his hands roaming my body, eliciting the respond it always did. With one swift movement he turned me around and yanked my jeans down to my knees before bending me over a boulder and making me scream his name.
Once back at the cabin, we warmed up by the fire. He had a beer while I stuck to tea, and we sat in front of the flames for a while, neither feeling the need to say much while he gave me a gun cleaning lesson.
“Let’s check out that hot tub; what do you think?” he asked, after a late dinner.
“Sounds good.” I excused myself to the bathroom. “He was already in the water waiting for me when I went out on the deck. In the dim light, I disrobed, and got in next to him. We gazed over the mountains as the moon rose, lighting up the Tennessee sky. It was beautiful and romantic, making it easy to forget why we were there. I hid away my grief and anxiety to just enjoy a moment with him.
It began to snow, and I giggled as I tipped my head to the heavens, elated by the feel of cold snowflakes on my steamy skin. I opened my mouth and caught the flakes on my tongue like I used to when I was little. I glanced at Cade who was watching me intently. He smiled at me, and I gave him a wicked grin in return, before splashing him. I laughed heartily as he returned a hot wave into my face. The sensation of bliss was foreign, and I wasn’t sure how to embrace the strange joy that had come over me.
He pulled me into his lap. “Did you know there is no greater sound on this earth than your laughter? I missed you so much, Ellia,” he said before pressing his lips to mine, igniting me all over again.
***
The summer, after Cade’s death, drifted by in haze, each day blurring into the next. I never went to work, so I lost my job. Most days I spent lying in bed staring out the window, not thinking about anything at all. My mother forced me to a doctor, threatening to have me committed to a mental hospital if I didn’t go. The M.D. put me on a strong anti-depressant, which dulled my pain and kept me functional, but was nowhere near potent enough to help me find my way out of the hole. She begged me to go to counseling, but I vehemently refused. I could not open my wounds to myself, let alone a shrink. College was fast approaching, but I didn’t want to attend anymore. My mom left me no choice, though, stating the alternative would be the street. She believed school was the distraction I needed to break free of the gloom--a new place and a new life. The two of us had become abrasive to each other, and she would be glad to be rid of her sulky, moody, disrespectful daughter.
That summer, I discovered marijuana and became a regular user. Sam’s friend kept me well supplied, and I used the money I’d saved from working to buy it. Booze was also a constant companion. A little flirting in a party store parking lot, scored me endless bottles of alcohol. I kept a small tavern hidden in my closet, always available when the pain got too hard. I spent my eighteenth birthday alone in my room, refusing to come out, even though my mom had baked a cake and invited Ashley and Maria over to celebrate. Declining
to talk to anyone, I drank myself into a tearful stupor from behind a closed door. The rest of the night, I vomited in my toilet and shook on the bathroom floor.
It didn’t take me long to find the wrong crowd at school. Even good colleges have bad kids, I discovered. It started in my chemistry class which housed at least six hundred and fifty students in the lecture hall. A hang-over assaulted me. The boy next to me nudged my arm. “Hey, you need something?” he asked. I turned to tell him to screw off, but I saw he had a pill in his hand. “You were at the party last night,” he said. “I figured you’d be hung over as hell today. Swallow this, it will help.” I didn’t ask what it was and didn’t care. If it numbed my headache and soothed my stomach, I’d eat anything; death would just be a bonus.
“Thanks,” I replied, taking a chug of my water bottle. He slipped me a note.
“Here’s my number if you like it and want more. My name’s Joe.” He held out his hand. I hastily shook it, then slumped back in the chair. Within minutes, my foul mood, fatigue, and headache dissipated as a lightweight happiness fell upon me. Joe watched me and smiled, knowing his tablet was working. I grinned back, feeling alive. For the first time in weeks, I could focus on the undergrad student at the head of the class. I’d bombed every assignment and test in all my classes until that point, but clarity had finally come in the form of a little, orange, pill-shaped angel.
Joe soon became, not only my dealer, but my boyfriend. My whole life centered on partying, and even though the amp helped me focus when I took it, I still missed so many classes, that my grades were beyond salvaging. The illicit activities coupled with the unprotected sex with Joe, and a few others, led to a pregnancy scare which was my breaking point. I was three months late and scared to death, knowing all the drinking, smoking, and pill popping might leave me with a deformed fetus. Karma would come to visit. I deserved it, but I couldn’t bear it. A part of me understood that telling him would be a mistake, but I tracked him down, anyway. He was in the bar as usual, playing pool with friends. A girl with large boobs hung off his arm.
“I need to talk to you,” I said. His wavy blonde hair was in his eyes, and I absently reached up and moved it out of the way. He flinched and smacked my hand away from him.
“Go home, Ellia.” He glared at me as if I disgusted him. “I’m busy.” He looked at his busty girlfriend and put his arm around the girl’s waist.
“Not until I talk to you, Joe,” I said, determined to get him unlatched from the bimbo. I sounded desperate and looked the part with my unwashed hair and dirty clothes.
“Who is this bitch?” asked the male friend sitting next to him, holding a pool stick. “And who the fuck is Joe?”
“Don’t worry about it, man,” he assured his friend. “This chick is crazy as fuck and won’t leave me alone. I told her my name was Joe so she couldn’t stalk me,” he laughed. He looked over at the girl who stood with her arms crossed, looking quizzical and angry. “I will deal with her, baby. I’ll be right back. She’s in my chemistry class, if you know what I mean.” He winked at her, and she nodded, unfolding her limbs and smiling at him. He grabbed me and escorted me out the back door of the bar, tossing me in the alley. My knees skidded across the pavement.
“What the fuck do you want? I just gave you a week’s worth of pills. How dare you interrupt me when I am with my girl,” he spat at me.
“Your girl? I thought I was your girlfriend. Your name isn’t even Joe?” I asked, feeling small and alone as I sat on the ground looking up at him.
“Of course it’s not, you stupid cunt. Listen, you wanted to get high twenty-four-seven, so I provided you with what you needed. You fucked me in return for the pills, remember? We are not a couple, you crazy-ass bitch. You need to find a new supplier, I am done with you. You are seriously mental, Ellia,” he said.
“I think I’m pregnant,” I blurted as the tears fell down my face.
“Well, deal with it, you slutty whore. I’m not the only dude you’ve been screwing.” He was right, there were at least two or three other guys I’d let do me when I was too messed up to care. “It’s not my problem, but I would suggest you get rid of it. God help any kid you would mother,” he said then stormed back inside the bar.
The reality of what I’d become hit me hard, and I took off running. When I got back to my dorm room, my roommate wasn’t home, and I was relieved. I opened my fourth-floor window overlooking the courtyard and stood up on ledge to lean out. The cold air slapped me in the face as I pushed my body out even further. For almost ten minutes, I willed my fingers to cooperate and just let go of the window trim. They held on tight, though, and I dropped back inside, exhausted from holding my weight with fingertips for so long. Rock bottom was a dark, unfathomable pit, and it’s where I landed. Without help, I knew there was no way out of my despair. I called my dad, not knowing who else to contact. Joe was right, I was crazy, and I would die if I didn’t get my shit together.
Too my amazement, he picked up on the first ring. “Hello? Ellia is that you?” he asked, surprised to hear from me. I’d not spoken to him since the day after Cade’s murder, shunning his phone calls.
“Dad,” I said breaking down in tears. “I am in trouble. It’s bad. I am so lost, and messed up in the head. Please, I need help,” I sobbed. I spent hours pouring out all my indiscretions to him as shame consumed me. “I don’t know how to stop taking the drugs because I can’t stand the pain when I’m not on them, but I can’t stand the person I am when I take them. I want to kill myself, but I might be pregnant. And guess what? I have no clue who the father is. How can I have a baby when I am so fucked up? I’ve probably ruined it with all the shit I’ve been doing.”
“Ellia, I am on my way to you. I want you to stay calm and pack up your stuff. We will deal with this when I see you. Promise me you will not hurt yourself. Wait for me.”
“I promise,” I said, but he had already disconnected. I had no faith he would show up, but I packed everything I owned, knowing I would leave, one way or the other. My days as a college student had ended.
His knock resounded on my door just a few hours later. The absolute shock on his face when he saw me would have been comical under different circumstances. I weighed about ninety pounds, and my bones jutted out everywhere, making me look sharp as dagger. Weeks earlier, I’d cut off all my hair in a drunken bet at a party. It stuck up in uneven spikes all over my head, greasy and unwashed. My skin had become a gray pallor, so deathly I could’ve passed as a vampire at a Halloween party.
“Jesus, Ellia,” he said, pulling me into an embrace. He was tender; as if I would break into tiny pieces if hugged too hard. It was the first time in months I’d felt affection from someone who didn’t want to use my body. He picked up my things and directed me to the car. “Why didn’t you call me sooner?” he asked, merging onto the expressway.
“Dad, I don’t know what I’m doing,” I said, and stared out into the cold December night.
The next day, he took me to a physician’s office where I was given a complete physical, and vials of blood were drawn from my scrawny arms. Relief flooded through me when I found out I was not pregnant, and the lack of menstruation was a product of my emaciated state. I was further relieved a few days later when all my bloodwork came back normal except for anemia. I was HIV negative and had no STD’s. The doctor prescribed a heavy regimen of vitamins to take and lectured about the dangers of unprotected sex, drug use, and alcohol abuse. Once given a clean bill of health, my dad checked me into a treatment center, where I spent several weeks getting sober. Christmas came and went, and my mother wanted to visit, but I refused to see her. The sight of her would drag me down that dark road again, and I wasn’t strong enough, yet. I could tolerate my father, only because he had not been a part of my life with Cade. There were no unwanted memories attached to him. My actions hurt her, so I wrote her very long letters to try to explain it to her.
I was discharged just after the New Year and went back to my father’s place. I fi
nally felt stronger than I had in too many months to count. The sadness would never leave me completely, but I had found a way to bury everything and cope on a day-to-day basis. Although I understood my life was forever changed, for the first time since Cade’s death, I believed I might have a future. I wasn’t sure what I would do with it, or where I was going to go at that point, but at least I had hope. My father quickly clarified my plans for me.
“You do realize that you have lost all your scholarships and every bit of your financial aid, don’t you?” he asked while we ate dinner at a local restaurant near his house. I nodded, knowing I had blown my entire chance at a college education.
“I’m sorry, Dad. I screwed up everything in my life, but I will get a job and figure something out,” I said, pushing my salad around my plate.
“Are you better? I mean really better?” he asked. “Have you learned your lesson?”
“Yes. I don’t know if I will ever feel like a whole person again, but I promise you I won’t drink or do drugs anymore. I did learn my lesson. I got lucky, and I don’t take that lightly. I will work hard and prove to you and mom that I am fine now,” I said. “I’m sorry I worried everyone so much.”
“Well, I have arranged for you to return to U of M, and I will cover the costs. But I swear Ellia, if I so much as see a B on your scores, there will be consequences. You are getting a second chance so you better not blow it. If you do, then you are out on your ass, and I am done with you. You are not the first person, nor the last person, to have lost a loved one. It is no excuse for your behavior, and I won’t go through this with you again. Do you understand?” he asked. “Look at me when I speak to you.”
