by Reid, Angela
“I’m not leaving you again. We both knew this would loom over our heads until your dad was in custody. Jesus, El, I spent the last ten years of my life waiting for this moment, and I’ve wanted it even more since that bastard hurt you. We have Cayden to consider in this now as well. God, all this time I thought I had your support.” He ran his hands through his hair and regarded me with pleading eyes.
“You did what you thought you had to, I get it, and I didn’t put this capsule around my heart on purpose; it formed there on its own. What do you want me to say? Choices have consequences, Cade, it’s as simple as that.”
“So are you saying it’s over for us? Do you want me to leave?” Tears filled his eyes, and I felt guilty for being honest.
I took his hand. “No. I never wanted you to leave in the first place. Like I said, I still love you. I’m just trying to figure out how to love you in a way that doesn’t destroy me again.”
He pulled me into his arms and crushed my lips with his, Stopping for a breath he said, “If I lost you, it was all for nothing.”
“You didn’t lose me,” I whispered as he kissed me again. As always, his touch overpowered my mind, and I wanted him, right then, despite our unresolved problems. But that awful money came to my mind as his tongue trailed my neck and ran along my T-shirt seam, shutting down the lust. He needed to know.
“Wait,” I said, giving him a soft push away from me. “I have to tell you something.”
He halted and stared at me. “Did something happen with Lucas? Did you sleep with him?” Anger flashed across his features as he backed away from me like I’d become toxic.
“No—God no.” I wasn’t about to disclose the stupid unrequited kiss. “Why would you ask that?”
“He spent a lot of time up here with you. Did you think I didn’t know that? And now, the way you are acting towards me, I guess it all adds up, doesn’t it?”
“What’s going on with us has nothing to do with Lucas, so stop blaming him and look at yourself for once. He is a platonic friend, and that is all. Do you want me to tell you what I was going to say, or do you prefer to keep accusing me?”
He waved his hand, inviting me to carry on with my admission. “You asked me if anything happened that made me scared.” I noted the furrow in his worried brow. “I received a package in the mail from Marisha. The letter stated the gift in the box was what should have been to be in the trunk of that Lexus. She didn’t seem to know about the bomb until after the fact.”
“Where is it? Tell me you didn’t open it, Ellia,” he said, concern joining anger in his features.
“I did open it, and it was full of money. There was five million dollars inside it.”
“Why in the hell would you open it? What if it had been another explosive? How could you be so fucking stupid after everything that’s happened? You could have died and killed our son in the process. Jesus Christ, Ellia, are you still fucked in the head or what?” he yelled so loud, I was almost afraid, but I would not back down to him.
“Stop yelling at me! This is exactly why I didn’t tell you about it in the first place. I knew you would react like a maniac. Marisha was not out to hurt any of us that was all on my dad. You said yourself, my father targeted you, not Cayden or I, and they had to have known you left me alone again, to go chasing after them. I was careful with the package and would never put Cayden’s life at risk. Don’t call me stupid or crazy ever again, Cade. I am sick to death of you questioning my faculties.” The constant reference to my mental health from everyone around me, infuriated me. It was a low blow, and I was done taking any crap from him.
“What if the box had not actually been from Marisha at all? Did you even consider that? I don’t know what precautions you think you took, but last I knew, you aren’t trained in bomb detection. You could have blown up, not only yourself and our son, but half this fucking neighborhood. I cannot understand how you could be so goddamn naïve. Have you learned nothing from all of this shit? Do you not comprehend that your father is insane? There is no rhyme or reason to most of the fucked up things he has done. Something snapped in his brain when he was under Lischka’s screws. Even Marisha was trying to get away from him. She feared for her own life and the lives of her sons because his paranoia was out of control. What the fuck is wrong with you? I obviously should not have left you alone because you are not capable of making rational decisions. At the very least, I should’ve had a man on the house. Fuck!” he yelled, slamming his fist down on the counter.
I couldn’t argue the logic, but I was beyond furious with him for making me feel small and stupid. “I refuse to stand here and fight with you all night. It’s two in the morning, and I am going to bed. You can sleep on the couch, or in the spare room, or back at FBI headquarters for all I care.” I headed down the hallway, so mad I could punch something. He didn’t follow me so I shut the door and crawled back into bed. I cried myself to sleep, like so many other nights of my life.
The next morning, I woke to find Cade asleep on the couch, a whiskey bottle on the coffee table. He had drank little of it, but the fact he slept out there, made me angry all over again. A part of me thought he’d chase after me, full of apologies, and we’d make up like we always did, tangled in the sheets. As I slammed the coffee supplies around, Cayden fussed, even though I had just fed and changed him. I reached over to get him from his carrier, but Cade got up off the couch.
“I’ll take him,” he said, and I watched him tenderly take the baby to the living room. He sat in the rocker and cuddled his son. The sight of them together, the two greatest loves of my life, diffused my anger. He had left me to protect us, not hurt me, and I needed to remember that. I finished with the coffee and took a steamy mug over to him, setting it on the end table for him.
“Thanks,” he said, looking carefully at me, to gauge my mood. “I’m sorry about last night. What you did with that package scared the hell out of me, but I shouldn’t have attacked you like that. That’s not how I hoped things would go when I got home.”
“I’m sorry, too. You were right, I shouldn’t have opened it. I guess a part of me still wants to believe my father wouldn’t deliberately hurt me. I was foolish, and it was dangerous. This money has been haunting me ever since I opened that damn box. Marisha said it came from her personal account, the product of an inheritance, but who knows. I thought about taking the money and Cayden and just disappearing--maybe even leaving the country. At least he’d be safe.”
He stared at me with pain in his eyes. “You thought about leaving me?”
“You had already left me, Cade. As much as I love you, I would sacrifice our relationship for my son’s safety. I guess I am no different than you, in that regard.” I got up and went back to the kitchen, intending to make him breakfast.
He put Cayden down and followed me. “I tried my best to protect you, Ellia, and I couldn’t do it. It’s a guilt I will carry for the rest of my life. I hoped putting your dad away this time, might make amends for my failure. I didn’t realize what effect it would have on our relationship, though.”
“I’ve told you a million times, I don’t blame you for what happened to me, but I won’t lie and say your choices didn’t change things. I’ve gotten pretty used to being a single mom, and I know I could continue if it meant protecting Cayden. As you can see, though, I didn’t leave. We were still here waiting for you as always.”
He set his cup on the counter and stared at the floor. Tears welled in his eyes again. “What’s it going to take, El? What can I do to make you love me again? When I was younger, all I wanted was for this to be over so I could have my life back. After you and I reconnected, all I wanted was a life with you. I never dreamed it would be the very thing that tore us apart in the end.”
His tears chipped at the wall, and I had a choice, patch it, or jump back over and completely give myself to him again. This man was all I had ever wanted in my entire life, and now we shared a child. We finally had a chance to be together--to be a family. I wo
uldn’t let it slip away, no matter how much safer my heart would be if I did. My arms slipped around his neck, and I kissed him. “I don’t want it to tear us apart, either.” My hands traveled up the back of his shirt while I brushed my lips over the hollow place on his throat. I hoped to rewire us in the way we always connected best. “Put Cayden in his room and meet me in ours.”
It was the first time since Cayden’s birth we had made love. Cade was tender and gentle, worrying our usual escapades might hurt me, but I needed him, like I always needed him, with desperate abandonment, and before long we were going at it hard, ending up on the floor as we came together. Cade pulled the sheet down us as we lay in post coital bliss on the carpet.
“What should we do with the money?” I asked, staring at the closet, knowing the beast was in there.
Cade thought about it for a few minutes. “I guess that is really your decision, Ellia. It’s your money. Legally, it should be turned into the FBI, but if you need it for peace of mind, I won’t take that from you.”
“What happens to it if I turn it in to them?”
“If it’s not traceable to any crimes, it would be returned to you. You would have to claim it on your taxes, but the rest would be yours to keep. I won’t force you to do anything, and I’ll stand by whatever decision you make.”
“I worry if someone else knows I have it, we might be targets again. I can’t trust the FBI, I can’t trust anyone. That’s why I’ve kept it a secret—from my mom, Lucas, and even you. I wish she had never sent it. The pressure of this cash is tearing me up inside, and I don’t know what to do.” I stood up and paced. “What if my father or Marisha decide they need it back? What if they send someone for it, and I don’t have it? It’s all I can think about night and day.” Exasperation filled me as I raked through my matted hair, looking as crazy as he’d accused me of being.
He reached up and grabbed my hand, pulling me down to my knees in front of him. “I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this alone. I should have been here when that damn box came in the first place,” he said. “Last night, half my anger was at myself.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. I know, in your heart, you believe chasing my father and bringing him to justice was the only way to remove the danger, and maybe it was. This dilemma, I brought upon myself. I shouldn’t have opened the box. Lucas would have handled everything if I’d just called him first.” His muscles tensed as if it were an insult. I hadn’t meant it that way, so I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Call it in, Cade. Let the FBI take the money. That’s my decision.”
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
By day’s end, I’d turned in the cash and made an official statement. After everyone left, it was well past the dinner hour. We sat down to eat the take-out Cade fetched, but a heavy silence swarmed between us.
He gave Cayden a bath and rocked him to sleep before joining me in the living room where I handed him a beer. “Did he go down easy?” I asked.
“Yes, I sang to him and bored him right to sleep.” He smiled at me and joined me on the sofa.
“We missed you.”
“I missed you, too.” He was quiet, staring into his beer bottle as if it held all the answers. “Do you realize how much I love you and Cayden?”
Taking his beer bottle and putting it on the table, I wrapped my arms around him. “Only as much as we love you.”
“Are we going to be okay?” he asked brushing his lips against my ear.
“Yes, we will be.” And not one part of me doubted it.
***
Cade married me a month later. It was a small ceremony with only my mother and a few friends from the Bureau. We postponed a honeymoon, neither of us willing to be away from Cayden that long. We agreed to a fresh start in another state where Cade could continue working in a new division. Our first move was to Virginia, near D.C. I hoped to return to work one day, but I was a little fearful of leaving Cayden just yet. Lucas remained a close friend to both of us, and he also moved. He took a lateral position in the D.C. headquarters, and it was nice knowing another person in the vicinity. It was the start of a new life, a normal life, the life we’d dreamed of since we were seventeen. Nothing would separate us again. We were each other’s Pikorua--our journey always leading back to where we began—together.
***
Epilogue
Almost three years later, as I stood by the kitchen table trying to get my defiant toddler to eat his vegetables, Cade stormed through the door. We’d been living an ordinary life, raising our little boy with no extraordinary threats to his safety. Cade worked typical hours and had even started up a band again. He played small venues on the weekends, and Lucas along with his fiancé, often took care of Cayden so I could go watch him play. We both understood Cade’s music would forever stay a hobby which made me sad sometimes, but it didn’t seem to bother him anymore. He seemed, at last, happy and content in his life—as was I. I went back to work part time and found a wonderful daycare for Cayden. My mother visited when she could, and she Skyped with us when she couldn’t. I loved the close relationship we had forged, and I felt blessed to have her.
The money remained in FBI custody, even though it was untraceable to any criminal activity and proved to be from Marisha’s family inheritance, like she said. It sat waiting for me to claim it if I ever chose to do so, but I didn’t let myself think about it too often. Money had been the root of all our problems, and it could rot for all I cared. I had everything I needed.
When Cade burst through the door that afternoon, his face skewed in worry, I knew my utopian existence was about to come crashing down around me. The look on his face said it all.
He pulled me into a quick hug before facing me. “Today, they tried to move your dad to a federal prison. They transported him in a custodial van, but three commercial trucks ran it off the road. The posse who wrecked the van, executed all four guards in charge of the transfer. Somehow your father recruited a band of people to aid in the escape. He’s in the wind, El.”
The bowl of peas I’d been holding in my hand fell to the tile and shattered, sending green pods all over the floor. I heard Cayden laugh; delighted he wouldn’t have to eat them now.
“What does this mean, Cade? Are we in danger again?” I asked but already knew the answer. As long as my dad was free, I would never be safe. “Oh, God.” My hands shook, and the tears fell. It had been ages since I had cried, and the salty drops felt like foreign invaders. I knew in my heart, we’d soon be old friends again.
The End
Book II available soon.
