Where I Am

by Michelle Dare

  Blair loves it, though. She's really in her element there. She doesn't go to many. Mostly she goes when she's been doing well emotionally and feels like she's got her head in the right place. I went once when there was a local signing a couple hours away. She told everyone I was her brother, and they all kept saying I should be on one of her covers. Um, no. A cover model I am not. Although, I did love the lustful looks the women gave me. I ate that shit up.

  Eve is here five days a week and spends hours with her, but Blair keeps it professional, for the most part. She doesn't let anyone get close to her anymore. Brant destroyed her in so many ways. I'm sure she and Eve talk about Cy, or me even, however Blair would never mention her past or why she uses a pen name on the books she writes. She wishes she could put everything that happened behind her and have it stay there. Using a pen name allows her to be someone else. Someone who hasn't gone to hell and back. Yes, there are some things Eve has to do where she needs to use Blair's real name, but Eve also signed a non-disclosure agreement when she started working for her. She also strictly refers to her as Brenda, so she doesn’t accidentally slip if they are at a signing together.

  After locking my Range Rover, closing the garage door, and arming the security system on the house, I grab a glass of water from the kitchen, along with one of Blair's pills, which help her relax when she has a panic attack. It dissolves in her mouth and works pretty fast.

  Blair is still in the same position she was when I left her bedroom. Sitting down beside her, I find her hand and work to unclench her fist, so she can hold the water. Then I place the pill in her mouth. She closes her eyes, while it quickly dissolves, then takes a sip of water. There were times I couldn't get here fast enough, because I was in the city at a club or somewhere else. I've told her to get her medicine, but she refuses to take it when I'm not here. It relaxes her to the point that it knocks her out, and she hates feeling vulnerable. I stay in her room, until she wakes hours later and tells me she's all right.

  Placing the glass on the nightstand, I kick off my shoes. Sometimes she sleeps on me. Other times she holds my hand. There is always one constant—she needs to be touching me, assuring herself I’m here. With me beside her, she feels safe. I would fight to my death to keep her that way.

  I've taken her to the shooting range to learn how to handle a gun, however she refuses. She's afraid of an accident happening. I respect her decision, but that doesn't stop me from having a gun in my home and another in the glove compartment of my SUV. I mean it when I say I'll protect her and will do so by whatever means necessary.

  I lie next to her in bed as we face each other. I don't take my eyes off of her until her breath evens out. Her body starts to relax, and her hand doesn't have the death grip on mine it did a minute ago.

  When I can finally wiggle my fingers free, I slip out of her grasp and dig my phone out of my pocket. The last thing I want is for it to ring and wake her. Granted, that pill knocks her out, however, I don't want to take any chances. Cy and Eve won't expect me home tonight. Once I leave, I usually don't come back until the morning. Yes, sometimes I do have legitimate booty calls, but more than half the time, I drive to Blair’s. I'll always come to her. Years ago, I became her protector, and that's a role I gladly still hold to this day.

  Blair mumbles Brant’s name in her sleep. The fucker who abused her plagues her dream and has her body tensing. I can only hope the dream quickly fades and she's able to slip into a peaceful sleep. It makes my blood boil with rage that he still haunts her. What I wouldn’t give to make it so she would never have to worry about him again. And to think he’ll be out of jail soon. Blair isn’t the only one worried about what will happen when he’s free.

  Two

  Astoria

  As I sit on my bed and take in the space around me, sadness floods me at the packed boxes scattered about my dorm room. College is over. I loved it here. I don't have a job lined up yet. I've busted my ass for four years, and deserve a few months break to relax and job hunt. My parents are throwing a graduation party for me back home.

  I have mixed feelings about going home to Arrow Falls. Yes, I did return for holidays, but during the summers, I've traveled abroad. I wanted to see all there was before I graduated, since I wasn't sure if I'd get the opportunity to do so again. And maybe there was a part of me that wanted to avoid going home as much as possible. Okay, so that was a big part of it. There's someone there I don't want to see. Someone who after four years still holds a piece of my heart, no matter how badly he broke it, or more precisely, shattered it.

  "You all packed?" my roommate, Cassidy, asks.

  "Yeah, just resting for a few before my parents get here."

  "Ah, yes, the Livingstons." She says my last name with extra snootiness. I laugh and throw a pillow at her. "Hey, I didn't say you were stuck up, just dear old Mom and Dad."

  "I know." I loved having Cassidy as a roommate. She's smart, beautiful, and has a great sense of humor.

  I lie back on the bare mattress and close my eyes, trying to find an inner tranquility. I love my family, but with them comes memories I’m not ready to face again. My mom is a homemaker. She worked until she married my dad, then her job became tending house and raising me, once I was born. They tried to have another child, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. My dad is the CEO of a biotechnology company about an hour from home.

  I obtained my bachelor's in English literature. Ideally, I'd love to work for a publishing house as an editor. Last summer, I interned at one and enjoyed it, but the company has since gone under. I've been told it's a tough field. I love the written word and wanted to pursue something I felt passionate about.

  A knock on my door has my eyes popping open. My parents enter as Cassidy is bustling around the room, packing her remaining things. My mom hugs her awkwardly and my dad nods in her direction. Cassidy is big on hugs.

  "You ready to go, peanut?" Dad asks me. I roll my eyes. I'm twenty-two years old. I’ve outgrown the nickname. He might come off frosty to others, but he's always been very loving to me.

  "Yes, everything is packed." He looks at the boxes on my side of the room and starts with the biggest one to bring it down to his SUV. I stand to stack two smaller boxes and fill my arms with them.

  "Your father can get those. No need to bother yourself with them," Mom tells me.

  "It's fine. I don't mind carrying them."

  My mom looks around the room before deciding to stand off to the side with her hands folded in front of her. While Dad is loving, Mom is more...proper and old-fashioned. She always does what my dad asks and is sure to keep the house in order and meals on the table.

  A bunch of trips later and my dad's SUV is loaded with my belongings. My little silver coupe sure wouldn't hold all the boxes. It was a gift from my parents before I started college. While it didn't do great in the snow, there was plenty of public transportation near campus during winter, and most of the time I didn't bother leaving. I'd rather stay warm inside.

  I hug Cassidy goodbye and promise to stay in touch. She's from California, so I doubt I'll be seeing her again anytime soon. Maintaining contact with people isn’t one of my strong points unless I see them often.

  We start the drive home, me ahead of my parents. It's not a short trip, but it could be much worse. I could be driving across the country like Cassidy. She's looking forward to it, where I would have been dreading it.

  Mile after boring mile I drive, and with each one, I grow more and more anxious. It's been four years since I've seen Parker. Four fucking years of me nursing a broken heart.

  No, I never got over him and don't think I ever will. My love for him was a once in a lifetime kind of love. The kind that no matter how hard you search for someone else to love, no one can come close to comparing to the other person. Believe me, I've tried. I dated a lot in college. I went to parties, had flings, but no one kept my interest. No matter how great the guy I was with seemed, he wasn't Parker.

  Parker broke my heart. He cheated o
n me. And worse, he did it when he knew I was coming over. Did he think he could fuck her quick in the shower and get rid of her before I got there? Maybe he thought I'd be into a threesome. I was young and inexperienced until I met him. We did like to get a little adventurous when we had sex. I have no clue what his reasoning was, but it devastated me. It brought me to my knees once I left his apartment that day. I drove to the basketball court where I first saw him, and mindlessly got out of the car to walk onto the court, where I collapsed. Luckily, no one was playing.

  It was there I lost it. I cried and screamed. I hit the ground with my fists until they were bloody. Someone came rushing over to my side to get me to stop. I didn't know who they were. They heard me screaming and wanted to make sure I was all right. I wasn't. Not even close. The lie I said was bitter on my tongue when I told them a friend had died, and I needed to get out of my house. But hadn't something died that day? A relationship of epic proportions. Love so strong I didn't think it could ever be broken. My life isn’t a fairy tale. Maybe I thought it was back then. I'm still waiting for my happily ever after.

  I've read many books and lived vicariously through the characters within them, wishing one day it would be me. My heart still hurts and I'm not sure if it will ever be healed. The pain will never leave me. Neither will the look on his face the last day I saw him.

  Parker tried to text and call me that terrible night. He left me so many voice messages that my mailbox filled and couldn’t accept any more. I changed phones and deleted all but one message from him. That message I backed up and saved. It was the last one he left me—only seven words. The way he spoke them still sends tears to my eyes when I listen to it. And I do so often. "I'm sorry, Tora. I'll always love you."

  Does he still love me? I haven't heard anything from him since. Not on my phone—I kept the same number. Not on social media or email. Not through my friends. Kenzie still lives in Arrow Falls. She's told me she'd seen Parker out. He's nice to her, but they don't talk outside of a passing hello. After a while, she stopped telling me when she saw him. She knew it would hurt me.

  My relationship with Parker did teach me one valuable lesson. No matter how broken my heart is, or how fucked up my mind is where men are concerned, I will never settle for less than I deserve. I'm a good person who has a big heart. I'm smart and have been told I'm pretty. Cassidy, Kenzie, guys I've dated—they told me. Yet, none of their words mattered to me, because nothing could compare to the compliments Parker had showered me with when we were together.

  He had a way of making me feel like the most loved and cherished person on the planet. And that's what made him cheating on me more difficult to believe. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I might not have believed it. There is no forgetting that memory, though. I saw him with a naked woman about to get into the shower. I didn't want to hear his lies or whatever his excuses were for his actions.

  I've matured a lot in the past four years. I'm not the same innocent girl who left Arrow Falls for college that summer. Will I fit back into our small town? I'm not sure, but I’m going to try. I don’t have any other choice. With no job on the horizon, my options are limited.

  When I'm ten miles from home, my stomach starts to knot and a sweat breaks out on my forehead that has nothing to do with the hot sun beating down on my car. "He's just a guy, Tori. Just an ordinary guy," I tell myself. "Who the fuck am I kidding? He's Parker!" I slam my palm down against the steering wheel and find a really angry song to listen to. It fits my mood, and I belt out the words like the song was made for me. I sing about heartache and revenge. Love lost and exes getting what’s coming to them.

  The song ends, and I still find him on my mind. Fuck! I'm never going to get him out of my head, am I? Coming back home sure as hell isn't going to help me. What happens when I see him? Will he try to talk to me? Will he want to meet up? Or will he ignore me as if I never existed?

  Kenzie told me he's living with Cy Revere and his wife. I remember Cy, and he was certainly not marriage material back in the day. Hell, no. He was a womanizer if I ever saw one. But from what Kenzie said about what she knew, I misjudged him. Though, I still wouldn't have pegged him as someone who wanted to settle down.

  Then there's Blair. She lives in Arrow Falls now. Kenzie kept me up to date about her as well, for a while. She's seen Parker with her. The thought of them together heats my veins with rage. Years have passed, and I have nothing but pure hatred for that woman. For what she did to us.

  Pressing the brake a little too hard and abruptly, thanks to my current mood, I stop at a traffic light. A traffic light next to a sidewalk where Parker Maxfield just happens to be walking.

  He glances over, our eyes lock, and my heart begins hammering in my chest. Then I see her. The same woman who was about to get in the shower with him all those years ago. Blair Hardwick—his brother’s girlfriend. Although, by the way she's got her arm looped through Parker's, I doubt she's still dating him. Her eyes follow Parker’s and she notices me. Recognition flashes on her face and she quickly drops her arm from Parker and turns away. He takes a step toward my car, but a horn blares behind me, alerting me to the light changing green. Thanks, Dad. I hit the gas and put Parker Maxfield in my rearview.

  Three

  Parker

  "She remembered me," Blair says, her voice still shaking.

  I turn and rub my hands up and down her arms. "It's okay, B. I'm here."

  I call her B since it covers both names, and I won't accidentally slip up if I ever go to a book signing with her. She doesn't post her real name for her readers to see. She tries to stay private as much as possible, but we live in a small town and people love to talk. Luckily, the majority of her readers don't know, nor care to dig deeper to find her real name.

  She squeezes her eyes shut as her body trembles. Seeing Tora must have brought her back to that horrible day and me helping her into the shower. The day that will forever haunt me, as I know it does her. I watched someone I loved with my entire being walk out of my life because she wouldn't stay and listen to an explanation of what was really going on. There was no way I was turning my back on Blair, though. She needed me. I couldn’t take care of her and chase after Tora.

  Blair takes a steady breath and opens her eyes. I smile. "Better?"

  "Yeah. Sorry about that."

  "You never have to apologize. You can’t control how you react to things."

  "It's because of me that you lost her, Parker. I'll never let go of the guilt I feel."

  "I might have lost her, but your life was on the line, and no way was I leaving you to handle your shit alone. Got me?" She nods. "Good. Let's finish your errands and I'll take you home."

  We bounce from store to store getting everything she needs. All the while, I can't get my mind off Tora. She's graduated college now, back home for the summer or who knows how long. I noticed her dad behind her and the death glare I got as my eyes met his. He has no love for me. I'm sure he thinks I cheated on his daughter, like she does. If only I could have explained then, maybe I'd still be with her, and maybe her parents wouldn't hate me as they do.

  I tried to explain everything to Tora after it happened. I would have done it over the phone if it meant getting her back, but I refused to type it out via text message. There are just some things that need to be spoken. You can’t convey emotion through text messaging. Blair said I could tell Tora the truth about that day. She knew how much Tora meant to me. My calls weren’t returned. I never got the chance to clear up everything.

  In the end, one person is responsible for everything. One person who changed all of our lives: Brant. There isn't a day that goes by I'm not fucking ecstatic his ass is rotting in jail. What he did...it's...it's fucking horrible. The lowest of the low. Inexcusable. And I’m worried for the day he’ll be free.

  Blair gently places her hand on my arm. "Stop. I know where your mind is."

  "If I ever see him, I'm going to pound the shit out of him."

  "That won't solve anything."
She's not defending him. She never would. No, she detests violence on any level.

  "I've never hated someone so much in my entire life."

  "You and me both," she mutters.

  We get in my Rover and drive back to her house. On the way, I pass the Livingston home. Every time I visit Blair's house, I avert my eyes from the large house I have to drive past on my way. Too many memories reside in Tora's home. Memories I've never been able to rid my mind of. And I've tried. It hurts to recall what we had together and lost. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. What's done is done, though. There's no going back. I realized that years ago, however it doesn't stop the pain, which hits me square in the chest every time I think of her. She was the one I wanted to marry. I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving her. If only I had gotten the chance to tell her. In the end, I’ll always love her, regardless of the fact we aren't together.

  My relationship with Tora might have been short, but sometimes you just know you’re with the right person. The one your soul sings to each time they’re near. Since then, I haven't come close to finding what I had with Tora. It took me a year to date again. I had no interest once she left. Now, it's been a revolving door of one-night stands. At first, I got lost in women; someone to bury myself in and not think for a while. But at the end of every night, my mind always drifted to her. After that, I became emotionally detached. The bars, the clubs, I was the guy who liked to drink and have fun. I laughed, I flirted, then fucked whoever was hanging on me. No matter how much fun I thought I was having, it wasn't genuine. It was shallow—only on the surface. I didn't feel somewhat whole again until Eve entered my life on a permanent basis.