Where I Am

by Michelle Dare

  "Thanks, man." I step closer. "Hey, is Finn Bradley in there?" With Finn owning a restaurant not far from here, he has to know who he is.

  "He sure is and with one smoking redhead on his arm."

  I ball my hands into fists but show no other sign of being pissed. I don't want Vaughn to know. If he did, he might not let me in. The last thing he wants is to allow someone inside who could cause trouble.

  "How do we get into the VIP section?" I ask.

  Vaughn reaches into his pocket and pulls out three small slips of golden paper. "Hand these to whoever is working that section. They'll let you up. If they give you any trouble, just come back out here and let me know."

  "Thanks. I appreciate it." He opens the door for us, and nods to Cy and Eve as they walk by.

  The thumping bass of the music vibrates through me as we make our way to the bar to get to the VIP section. Women glance our way, their eyes raking over Cy and me. I’m sure Eve’s ready to knock them out for looking at her husband. She grips his hand with hers. I don’t miss the smile he wears at how protective she is of him.

  I've been here a few times, but nothing memorable. I prefer a good bar to a club. I'm not a fan of loud music, although the dark atmosphere certainly lends to getting frisky on the dance floor.

  I glance over my shoulder to make sure Eve and Cy are still behind me as we wind through a throng of people. Cy has Eve pulled close to his body, as if at any minute someone is going to try and take Eve from him.

  Luckily, the papers that Vaughn gave us work and we are immediately let into the VIP section. I don’t waste any time trying to find Finn and Tora. The lights are dim, but in this section, there are tables and booths. Dancing is kept to the floor, while this is more for those who want to have conversations or more private interactions.

  Then I spot her. She's walking to the table where Finn is sitting. Her long hair hangs in loose curls down her back. Black pants hug her ass and legs, but not to the point they appear painted on. The emerald green top she wears sparkles every time light catches it just right. I've always loved green on her. It brings out the gorgeous color of her hair.

  I start to move forward, but Eve plants a hand on my chest. "Find us a booth and sit down. Let me get a feel for the situation."

  "But I need to..."

  "I know what you want and stomping over there like a caveman isn't going to do you any favors. Cy and I will walk by and see how things are between them. She doesn't need to know you're here. At least, not yet. She's much more likely to relax in front of the two of us than she is you. Or so I hope."

  Eve takes Cy's hand in hers as he grumbles that this isn't the best idea. She tells him to hush and to follow her lead. I find a place to sit where I won't be seen, yet can keep an eye on my friends and more importantly, Tora.

  Cy and Eve walk past the booth where Finn and Tora are sitting, but then Eve pauses and glances over her shoulder at something past Finn's head. She's acting like she doesn't know he's there and fuck me if it doesn't work. Finn stands, and Eve feigns surprise. Cy shakes Finn’s hand, but I can tell it's not with any friendliness. When Finn starts to turn in my direction, I quickly spin around so he can't see my face. I wait a few breaths until I resume my position to continue watching them.

  A waitress comes by to take my drink order. I order soda for all of us. I don't want anything to impair my judgment tonight and know Cy and Eve aren’t drinkers. The sodas show up before they find the table I picked out for us. They both sit down and sip their drinks, eyes on me.

  "Come on. You're killing me," I tell them.

  Eve smiles. "That girl has no love or even lust for Finn. She was sitting on the opposite side of the table from him and was more interested in scanning the club than she was engaging in conversation with us. She was looking for someone. My guess is you."

  I skip over the part about Tora looking for me. "It's the first date. How can you be sure she doesn't feel more for him?"

  "If she were interested in him, truly interested, she would have been cozying up to him in the booth or trying to engage in what we were talking about. It was like we weren't there. She could have cared less what we said. Then Finn tried to introduce us, since he didn't know we've met Astoria before, but she was off in her own world. He had to say her name three times to get her attention."

  "Interesting," I mutter.

  What if she was looking for me? Or was she simply bored and trying to find something else to look at instead of Finn?

  Seven

  Astoria

  Clubs are fun and a great way to release some steam, which I need to do. I would have preferred to come with a friend, but Finn asked me out and he seems like a nice guy. I'm not dating anyone else, so why not? Right?

  We had dinner at a small bistro. It was intimate and not over the top. I told him I don't like fancy stuff and a simple sandwich was good enough for me. When I have dinner with my parents, everything is perfect. The food is presented on each of our plates without an herb out of place. The napkins are precisely folded. My mom doesn't know how to do it any other way. So, when I go out, I want basic, easy food.

  Of course, the bistro Finn picked was on the higher end. At least there weren't snooty waiters or anything like that. It was laid back, even though the food was expensive. He insisted on paying. I would have gladly split the check with him.

  After dinner we were headed to the club, hence my sparkly top. No, I didn't fit in at dinner, but I blend in at the club.

  Once Eve and Cy stopped near our table, I couldn't help but look for Parker. Then again, maybe they were here for a date night. Finn and I were talking when they stopped but now that they're gone, I don't know what to say. It's like any tiny spark we may have had, is gone. If I’m being honest with myself, there wasn’t one to begin with. On the slim chance Parker could be here, I can't focus on Finn.

  Sure, Parker broke my heart, but I find myself needing to see him. My jealousy would run rampant if I saw him with someone. He's definitely jealous of Finn and me going out. In the grocery store, I thought Parker was going to punch Finn. I don't remember him being violent. Maybe he changed a lot over the last four years. I wouldn’t know.

  All of the sudden, I have the urge to get up and move. I don't want to sit in this stuffy booth anymore. I want to dance, but don't want to lead Finn on. I stand. Finn follows suit. "I'm going to the ladies’ room," I lie. I need a break. I'll come back when the next song starts.

  Where the booth we’re sitting in is situated, I'm able to walk out of the VIP section and toward the dance floor without him noticing. The bathroom is in the other direction.

  Weaving my way onto the dance floor, I give myself over to the beat. The bass thumps through me as the writhing bodies all around take my mind off everything except the way the music reaches my soul. My hips sway to the beat as I raise my arms over my head. I feel alive for the first time all night.

  As I fully surrender to the music, fingers skate over my bare belly thanks to my shirt lifting up. I still. I might like dancing alone, but I will not let a stranger manhandle me.

  I drop my arms so my top goes back down where it should be and try to turn, but those hands move to my hips, holding me in place. "It's only me, Tora," Parker says in my ear. Chills race up my arms as his breath tickles my skin. I try to step away. "Stay here. Dance with me. Don't think, just move."

  Butterflies have taken flight in my stomach as Parker's hands gently guide my hips to keep me moving. I fight it for a moment, not sure if this is the right thing to do. As a matter of fact, I’m certain it's not. He's the one person who can destroy me and has, yet I'm allowing him to dance with me.

  He presses his chest to my back, chasing the chills away, along with everyone around us. It's like the whole world fades away except for me, Parker, and the beat of the song. I lift my arms, letting the music drive my movements as Parker's hand finds my stomach again. His hips sway with mine in perfect synchronization.

  "God, I've missed you," he admits,
with his lips pressed to the side of my neck. No one has ever been able to turn me on like Parker. One touch, one kiss, and I'm done for. I’m barely able to hold myself up. He's familiar. Although, his hands seem more skilled now as I dance with him. His other hand reaches higher until his thumb brushes over my nipple beneath my top. I moan and tip my head back onto his shoulder.

  "That's it, sweetheart. Feel me. Feel what I can do for you."

  He continues caressing me, then pushes his knee between my legs until I'm grinding down on top of it. With the club dark, except for the various lights bouncing around us, no one is paying attention to what we're doing. We're packed on the floor amid many other people. Only enough room to dance in a tiny radius.

  In the heat of the moment and with my body on fire, I spin in Parker's arms until our faces are only a breath apart. Our foreheads touch as we watch one another while we dance.

  He pushes his knee between my legs again and I begin to grind onto his thigh, my body quickly responding, wanting so much more, but taking what he's giving me. His hands mold to my ass, pressing me forward until our bodies align and our lips are only a millimeter apart. Every thought flees except the one wanting more of him. I want to kiss him badly. To have his lips on mine again like they once were, when we were together. Were. It's like a bucket of ice is poured over my head and I still in his arms.

  He pulls back. His voice raised to speak over the music. "What's wrong?"

  I shake my head as tears fill my eyes. I miss him down to my very core. Everything in me wants me to leap into his arms and forget all that happened. That is, except for that little voice in my head which whispers how foolish I'm being. How he's just going to hurt me all over again. I turn and attempt to move away, but Parker's hand is gently cupping my chin, bringing my attention back to him.

  He leans down to speak right into my ear. "Come with me. I want to talk to you. Please, sweetheart. I can't live without you knowing the truth."

  "I don't trust you. I don't know if I ever will again."

  "Five minutes. It's all I'm asking for."

  He steps back, and I see Finn making his way toward us. Oh, shit. Well, I was caught in the lie of going to the ladies’ room. Parker notices me looking behind him and turns. In one fluid movement, he pushes me behind him, effectively blocking Finn from getting to me.

  "What the hell is going on?" Finn yells.

  "Just dancing with Tora. My Tora," he stresses.

  I step out from behind Parker so I can intervene. "I'm no one's anything," I say somewhat solemnly.

  "You were and always have been mine," Parker replies.

  I shake my head and lean close to Finn. "Can you take me home?" He nods.

  "Wait!" Parker shouts. His eyes are pleading with me. For a split-second, he appears to be in unimaginable pain. I can't let him get to me more then he already has. I won't fall for his tactics or his puppy-dog eyes.

  Without responding, I follow Finn off the dance floor, my hand in his. I didn't bring anything with me into the club besides my driver's license and one credit card, which are in my back pocket, so there's no need to go back to our table.

  I'm able to keep the tears at bay while we walk to the valet in silence. He doesn't let go of my hand until I'm tucked safely inside his black Mercedes.

  When he gets in, he starts the car but doesn't drive. Instead, he turns to me. "I'm going to be honest with you. I can't and won't compete with Parker. I won't fight him. I've been down this road before and I refuse to do it again."

  "Parker and I are in the past. I don't want to be with him."

  Finn caresses my cheek. His eyes seem to reach deep into my soul. "You still love him." I shake my head, trying to deny it, not only to him but also to myself. "I'm not stupid, Astoria. I saw the way you two were dancing. I debated whether or not to even walk out there and find out if you still wanted to leave with me."

  The tears, which I've been fighting, are now on the verge of spilling over. I shouldn't have come back home. I should have found somewhere else to live once I graduated. There were apartments near campus I could have rented until I figured out where I was going to work, but my parents insisted I return to Arrow Falls. They missed me, and I missed them as well. But there was more to me coming back. As much as Parker destroyed me, I wanted to see him. I'm torturing myself by being here. Now that I'm in his orbit again, I don't know how to break away. When he's in front of me, I want to kiss him and let him hold me like he used to. Then the pain reappears, reminding me of all I lost that day.

  I need to be as honest with Finn as he is with me. "I can't tell you I don't love Parker. I think part of me always will, regardless of what happened. I want to move on. In college, I didn't date seriously. It was casual. But now that I'm back home, I want to find my way again. I'm going to look for a job and I want to settle down. I won't jump into a relationship, however. I have to guard my heart until I'm ready to give it away again."

  His eyes hold mine and there's so much sincerity within them. "I won't push you. We can go at whatever pace you want."

  "I'd like to see you again."

  "I'd like that, too." He lifts my hand and kisses the back of it. "You're so beautiful, Astoria."

  I blush and look out the windshield, unable to hold his gaze. I notice a man with his hands on the hood of Finn's car. I open my door and get out. Finn must realize what's going on because he's out the car a second later.

  Parker walks to my side. I've seen that look on his face before. He’s a man on a mission. I've been able to brush him off until now. He won't take no easily this time. "Don't go home with him. Please, Tora."

  "I'm dating Finn. Not you. He's who I want to spend time with."

  "Don't do this to me," he pleads.

  "Do this to you? If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who fucked us up. Don't you dare put it back on me, like I'm hurting you." Finn's at my back, a gentle, reassuring presence. He hasn't spoken yet, although I'm sure it's only a matter of time until he addresses Parker. They know each other so neither are uncomfortable speaking to the other.

  "You are, Tora. You're killing me each time I see you and can't touch you. Each time I can't kiss your lips or tell you everything I'm thinking. If you only let me explain, you'd understand the truth. Five minutes. It's all I'm asking for. If you give me that, I won't bother you again unless you want to see me. I promise."

  I'm never going to be able to move forward with Finn, or anyone else for that matter, if I always have Parker trying to get my attention. No, I don't want a serious relationship with Finn yet, but there is no moving forward when the shadows of my past keep reappearing and staring me in the face.

  Eight

  Parker

  "Fine. You have five minutes," she states, then turns to Finn. Tora's hand rests on his chest as she looks up into his eyes. I have a strong urge to rip her hand from him. It should only be on me. Never anyone else. "I'll be right back," she tells him.

  "Are you sure? Can you trust him?"

  This asshole. "Bradley, mind your fucking business." It's at this point, Eve and Cy find us standing on the sidewalk beside Finn's car. They must have noticed we left. Cy would want to be here if shit went down with Finn. I'm sure he wants to get a solid punch in if possible.

  Cy is by my side, Eve's hand on his arm. I doubt she wants him to fight. She likes Finn in a strictly platonic way. I have to give Finn credit. Even with Cy and I standing in front of him, he doesn't back down. If anything, he straightens himself. He's tall, as tall as Cy, but we have more muscle.

  Tora turns and motions for me to follow. Finn takes a step forward and so does Cy, while I follow Tora off to a spot between buildings. The city streets are bustling this time of night, and I want to talk with her away from everyone.

  Stopping halfway into the alley, she spins to face me and crosses her arms. "Five minutes."

  How do I start? How do I tell her everything in five minutes and convey just how bad the situation was? I have to do the best I can and hope it's
enough to convince her I never cheated on her. I’m the one who suggested the time limit after all.

  "That day, while I was waiting for you to come over, I got a call from Blair." The streetlight reflecting into the alley casts just enough light where I notice Tora stiffen. I push on, not wanting to give her time to say something. We can't fight. Five minutes will go by too quickly. "She was on her way over and was crying so hard I could barely understand her. What I did get from her was that she had been driving for almost twelve hours and was minutes from my apartment. I tried to ask what happened, but every time I did, she only cried harder. I didn't want her to get into an accident, so I told her to drive safe and I'd be there when she arrived."

  I take a deep breath and steady myself for what's next. This is the hard part. The part I never talk about. "When she got there, I met her at her car. I helped her out and she collapsed on me, crying. I had to hold her up. Something was wrong. It wasn’t just that she was upset, she was physically weak. I tried to talk her into letting me take her to the hospital, but she insisted she was only tired. It wasn't until I got her inside that I noticed the bruises. They were covering her arms. I was furious. I wanted to know who did that to her and where Brant was when it happened. She sobbed, Tora. She broke down like I’ve never seen someone in all my life. "

  Tora's watching me, noticing the pain on my face. I can't explain the anger I felt when Blair was hurt and there was nothing I could do to protect her. Tora's lips part and her hand rests on her chest just below her throat.

  "Then I lifted Blair's shirt and saw the real damage." Tora turns away. I gently grip her arm to pull her back toward me. "Let me continue." She nods. "She was pregnant. And her belly...it was slightly swollen with life. I had no idea. Brant never told me. Tora, her stomach was covered with bruises where the baby was growing." She gasps, and I have to fight to keep my tears at bay. No matter how much time goes by, I will never forget the look of Blair's stomach or the pain she was in.