Where I Am

by Michelle Dare

  I’m not sure what to talk about, so I say the first thing that comes to mind. “Do you still play basketball?”

  His eyebrows lift, and he smiles. “A little. Every once in a while, I drag Revere there to blow off steam.” I immediately start daydreaming about what Parker would look like now as he plays, glistening with sweat as his muscles flex with each shot he takes.

  “Tora?”

  “Hmmm?”

  He chuckles. “What are you thinking about? You have this dreamy look to you.”

  I snap back to the present, helpless to prevent the blush creeping over my cheeks. “Nothing,” I mutter, picking up my coffee to take a sip.

  “Okay, I’ll let that slide.” Thank God.

  Luckily, he changes the subject. We talk for a bit longer. Before we get up to leave, Parker asks, "Will you come somewhere with me?"

  "That all depends."

  "On?"

  "Where we're going."

  He rubs his hand on the back of his neck, and I remember him doing that before when he was nervous. "Blair's house. I want you to talk to her. She would like to tell you the rest of the story and give her side of things."

  I still. Yes, Parker was only helping her, but that day—her naked body—it's all etched in my head like a nightmare. Although, if Parker and I have any chance of actually having a future together, I need to talk to her. She is very important in his life, therefore will need to be in mine as well.

  Parker picks up on my hesitation. "She feels horrible, Tora. The guilt of being the reason we broke up has eaten at her over the years. She wants to do whatever she can to put your mind at ease."

  "Okay," I murmur, still not sure if this is the right thing to do.

  "Okay?"

  I nod. I've either just made a very foolish decision, or one, which will hopefully help put my heart back together. I do need the whole truth to help me heal.

  Ten

  Parker

  She agreed. I didn't think she was going to. If she didn't, I couldn't blame her. After I left Tora yesterday, I drove to Blair's house. At first, she thought I was there to help her with her story. Ummm...no. I don't know anything about romance books. After she concluded I was useless in that area, I told her what happened at the club. She immediately said she wanted to talk to Tora. Then the panic attack came. The thought of telling someone, who is almost a stranger to her, the intimate details of what happened to her that day, is very hard. I repeatedly asked her if she was sure and she said yes.

  Pulling into Blair's driveway, I hit the button and open the garage door.

  "You have a remote for her garage?" Tora asks.

  "I do. I also have the alarm code and keys to her house and cars." I put the Rover in park and turn to her. I don't want any secrets between us if we are going to start over. I'm not sure if we are at this point, or if we’re strictly friends, but it's the only shot I'm going to get. It will be the truth and nothing else from this point on.

  "B has nightmares. She wakes up screaming or crying, thinking Brant is after her. When she does, she hides in her bathroom or closet. She is beyond scared, Tora. Like your worst possible fear coming true kind of scared. She always calls me when she has a nightmare. When she does, I come over, help her into bed, and give her one of her anti-anxiety pills. I usually leave the next morning when I'm sure she's feeling better."

  Now that I'm thinking about all of this, I'm not sure how it's going to work if I get back together with Tora. What if Blair calls? I'm going to have to leave Tora. She might end up hating me for doing that. It's something we're going to have to work through, if we do start a relationship again.

  "God, I'm such an asshole," she states.

  I cock my head slightly to the side. "Why?"

  "Because all I can think of is how jealous I am that you have all this access to her. It's like you're her boyfriend or husband. I know you said you're only friends, but there's this sliver of doubt in my head that says you're lying." She puts a hand up before I can interject. "It's not rational. I know this. You said you didn't cheat on me and I believe you. I really do. But that insecure part of me finds it a little harder to believe. I mean, look at her Parker. She's gorgeous."

  I take her hand in mine, slowly caressing the back of it. "Not one kiss. Not one sexual anything. Only friends."

  She nods and looks out the window. "Let's get this over with. I have my own anxiety I'm dealing with at the moment."

  "You'll be in good company with B then."

  Tora faces me again. "She’s anxious about me coming here?"

  "She doesn't do well when she talks about what happened. Even though it was years ago, it's still very fresh in her mind. This is going to be as hard on her as it will be on you. You only learned yesterday that everything you thought happened was a lie. You've had less than twenty-four hours to process what I've told you. Just go slow. Talk it through with her—with us. Ask questions. Get it all out now, because I'm not sure when you'll get her to talk about it again, if ever."

  Her voice is quiet. "I wouldn't want to keep putting her through that. Today we'll talk about it, then we're all moving forward."

  I smile. "Sounds like a great plan."

  We step inside and I disarm the security system. It may be daylight, but Blair never lets her guard down, even when I'm here. She knows I'll protect her with my life, however, she's also very aware of the damage Brant can do. He could be released at any point now. I dread when that happens. There’s no telling what he’s going to do once he’s free.

  Blair's house is as big as every other one on the street. These homes scream money. I should know, I grew up in one very similar. So did Tora. She doesn't say anything as we walk through the house, looking for Blair. Her hand clutches mine tightly as her eyes bounce around. I can practically feel the thrum of nervousness coursing through her.

  After checking the kitchen and the living room, there's only one other place she would be, knowing we were coming over—her office. The home has multiple bedrooms, and Blair is only one person, so it made sense to convert one of them into a home office. We step into the room. Bookshelves line two of the walls. On another is a big window to let light in, except the blinds are drawn. She finds that if she leaves the window uncovered, she stares out it, waiting for him to show up. Her desk is an off-white wood, as are the bookshelves. She told me it helps keep the room bright since she doesn't allow the sun to stream in. She has plenty of lights to help illuminate the room as well.

  Her head lifts as we enter. Her eyes have circles under them from lack of sleep. Her long, dark hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun.

  "Wow," Tora says wistfully from my side as she drops my hand.

  She walks toward the bookshelves and skims her fingers over the books that line them. These aren't you're average shelves. They are the kind that were specially made to each fit an entire wall.

  Blair stands to make her way over to Tora. I remain rooted to my spot near the doorway. I'm going to let them get comfortable with one another and won't speak unless I'm spoken to. It's very important that these two women get along, since I hope both will be a part of my life for a very long time.

  "Do you like to read?" Blair asks.

  "I do. It's pretty much all I do in my spare time."

  "You're more than welcome to borrow any of the books."

  "Really?" You'd think Blair just offered her the world on a silver platter with the way Tora’s eyes go wide, and her smile stretches across her face. God, I love seeing her happy.

  "Of course. Pick whatever you'd like. All I ask is that you return them when done."

  "Absolutely," Tora replies, as she plucks a paperback from the shelf. She flips through the first few pages. "Wait, this is signed by the author. I can't read this."

  Blair laughs lightly. "Sure, you can. Almost every book on these shelves is signed." Then she leans in close. "I'm not just an author. I read as much as you do and when I find a book I love, I buy it signed from the author. Some are good
friends of mine; others are ones I'd love to meet one day but probably will never be lucky enough to."

  With the book clutched tightly to Tora's chest, a blush quickly rises into her cheeks. "I have a confession to make."

  "Is it something juicy?" Good God these women. Blair's acting like Tora has gossip she's been waiting weeks to hear.

  "No, it's completely embarrassing. I've never read any of your books."

  "Oh, honey, please. Don't be embarrassed about that. I don't care if you've read them." Blair makes her way back over to her desk and drops down into her leather chair. She's in a pair of black leggings and a long rock band t-shirt from God knows when. Sometimes I forget she’s eight years older than me. You'd think it was fall by the way she's dressed. Maybe if she didn't keep the air-conditioning set on North Pole, she'd wear clothes befitting the weather.

  "It's not that I didn't want to," Tora says. "It's...well, it's because of what I thought had happened between you and Parker. I just couldn't bring myself to read anything of yours, even though I kept hearing amazing things about your books. I'm sorry. Truly."

  Blair's smile fades and her eyes fall to her laptop. The mood drops substantially. Now it's time to have the discussion we came here for. I worry if we talk about other things and put it off, it won't get addressed. Blair just needs a little nudge to get going.

  Walking over to Tora, I take her hand in mine and pull her over to the chair next to the window that's big enough for two. It's so damn plush that your ass sinks right into it when you sit down. And every time I'm in it, I try to ignore its lilac color. I told Blair she needs something more manly, since I'm the only one who ever sits in the thing. She flipped me off and said either I sit in it or stand. Tora and I drop down into it, and I make a point to keep my eyes fixated on Blair until she looks up. No words need to be spoken for her to understand what she needs to say. I hate pushing her, but know she'll feel a little better once everything is off of her chest. She’s been carrying this guilt over Tora for far too long.

  Tora doesn't speak and neither does Blair. Dammit. Now I need to start the conversation. "Brant had never hit Blair until that day. They had a good relationship. He was loving, caring, and did everything he could for her. He supported her writing and pursuing her dream. They moved to Chicago when his job was transferred there. Everything was fine until she became pregnant and was, as he put it, talking to me behind his back." I watch Blair the entire time I speak. I note the chill, which runs through her body as she shivers at the sound of his name. Not the happy kind of chill. The one demons of your past cause you to feel.

  Blair picks up where I leave off. I'm thankful she does. I don't want to be the one to tell her story. I've only heard it once, and even though I will never forget it, it's hers to tell. "I remember when I found out I was pregnant. We hadn't been trying, but not exactly preventing either. I was so happy. I always wanted to have a big family and I loved Brant. He proposed the same day the doctor confirmed the pregnancy.

  "We were happy. Or we were until Brant saw me texting Parker one day. He asked what I was doing and why would I need to talk to him. I explained I wanted to share the news of the pregnancy since he hadn’t done so yet. I had waited as long as I could, but I was about to burst with the news. I had to tell someone, and no one had known up until that point. I was still in my first trimester, but toward the end of it so I thought it was safe to start telling people. Brant knew Parker and I talked. That wasn’t new, however, something on that day changed. He was about to snap. His fists were tight by his sides and his teeth were clenched. I'd never seen him that angry before, but it was nothing compared to the rage I saw when he hit me."

  Eleven

  Astoria

  Oh, God, how can I sit here and ask her to tell me all that happened? The pain on her face is as evident as the sun in the sky. Yet, she keeps talking before I can stop her.

  "He asked me if I had slept with Parker when we visited Arrow Falls, or at all in the time I knew him. I said no, of course not. Parker and I never had that kind of relationship. I was looking forward to being a part of their family. Their parents were wonderful and always treated me kindly. Brant ripped the phone from my hand and threw it. Luckily, it landed on the carpet near the front door. Then he was on me. His hands, which were so much larger than mine, were on my arms, pulling me from the chair I was sitting in. The pain was awful. I could feel my skin bruising as he held me.

  "Brant was in my face, throwing accusation after accusation at me. At one point he even asked if the baby was really his. Of course, it was. Outside of me swearing I'd never slept with Parker, we hadn't even seen him since long before I got pregnant. Just goes to show how he wasn't thinking. Words flew from his lips. He called me all kinds of names: whore, slut, bitch, and so on. They were ones he'd never said to me prior to that day. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't break free from his grip, so I cried. I cried so hard I could barely see through the tears. He was hurting me on the inside and out. I begged him to release me. When he finally did, he threw me to the floor. I landed hard on my side."

  Tears are flowing freely down Blair's cheeks as she talks. She doesn't wipe them away. All I want to do is rush to her side. To throw my arms around her and tell her how sorry I am about what happened to her. How I feel like the lowest of the low for thinking she was sleeping with Parker. How must she have felt after her fiancé accused her of cheating, and then for me to do the same thing to Parker only hours after what she went through. My stomach churns. What I said, the way I reacted, it all floods back to me, but not the same as it has the past four years. No, this time I see it from Blair's point of view. I see someone who I consider family, assist me in my battered state, then watch as his heart breaks over losing his love, only to come back and help me heal.

  She continues, this time with tissues in hand so she can wipe her face. "When I was on the floor, I curled into the fetal position in an attempt to protect my stomach any way I could. It was instinctual. There was a baby in there I would have given my life to protect. Brant rolled me onto my back, pulled my legs away from my body, and straddled them. He pushed my hands above my head and held them there as he ground himself against me. I'll never forget his words. 'You like that, Blair? You want me to fuck you so you remember who you belong to?' He was turned on and I was breaking inside. Everything hurt. The man I loved was going to rape me and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

  "Once he finished forcing himself on me, I cried harder at what he'd done. Then he hit me again, but where it mattered most. There was a beautiful life inside me and I couldn't do anything to stop him. I tried. I hit him back. I pulled his hair. I scratched his arms, but nothing I did made him stop. He had no intention of ceasing his attack."

  Parker squeezes my hand in his, letting me know he's here. Blair isn't the only one crying now. I'm trying hard to choke the tears back, but it's of no use. Even as I glance at Parker, I notice his eyes aren't dry either.

  "There was a knock at the door. More like a fist banging on it. Brant stopped his assault and put his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet. But he forgot to lock the front door earlier. Our neighbor, Jack, came in. The look on his face—he was horrified at what he saw—however, it was quickly replaced with anger. He lunged at Brant, knocking him off me. I lay there in shock, unsure of what to do until Jack started screaming for me to run. It was fight or flight at that point, and I had no fight left in me. I was in so much pain, but managed to pull up my pants and crawl to the door where my phone still laid. I scooped it up and reached for my purse, which I had dropped on the couch earlier that day. In seconds, I was out the door and driving. I didn't know what else to do. I should have gone to the police right away, but the only thought in my mind was that I needed to get as far away from Brant as I could. So, I drove home to Arrow Falls and to the one person I knew I could trust with my life." Blair's eyes find Parker. Her tears have dried, and the only way I can describe the look on her face is thankful, but devoid of hope.


  "Parker saved me. After we went to the hospital and I talked to the police, we found out Jack got hurt pretty bad as well. He was an older guy, retired. He didn't stand a chance against Brant. He ended up with a broken jaw and arm. Brant was charged with multiple crimes. I still have a protection order against him. He's up for parole soon, from what my attorney told me. Brant knows he's not supposed to come anywhere near me. I won’t put it past him to come for me, though."

  Parker speaks up. "If he does, I'm going to put a bullet in his head. I've told you, B, I'm going to kill him if he tries to hurt you. I won't even think twice."

  "And I've told you that we'll let the cops handle him. I don't want you to spend your life in jail for murder."

  "B…”

  "We're not doing this now." I can see her side, not wanting her best friend in jail, but on the other one, Parker wants to protect her, and I can't blame him for it. I want to protect her, too. She's been through so much already; she shouldn't have to endure more.

  I'm not sure what to say. So, I do the only thing I can. I stand and walk over to her. I lean down and wrap my arms around her as she sits behind her desk. I whisper to her how sorry I am about everything. About what happened to her. About the way I behaved and accusing her of sleeping with Parker. She holds me tight for a few moments then releases me.

  "That's why I wanted to talk to you," she says. "I know Parker told you, but I was worried you might not believe him. I wanted you to hear what happened in Chicago. It's the truth—all of it. Parker is like a brother to me. I've never had romantic feelings for him. Eve…" She smiles and it's the first time she does so since she started telling me what happened. "Eve thinks Parker and I would make a great couple. She's asked me over and over again why we haven't dated. She also doesn't know what happened. No one does but my family, Parker's, law enforcement, attorneys, and now you."