Where I Am

by Michelle Dare

  Parker is quick to change the subject. "Who's hungry?"

  "Me," I reply. My nerves settling a little.

  Eve lets us know she and Cy have dinner reservations tonight. They are celebrating their house being completed. The structure that is. She tells us they now have to pick out paint colors, appliances, fixtures, etcetera. Pretty soon they won't be living with Parker anymore. Maybe I came back into his life at the perfect time.

  Parker suggests we order in. It's not quite dinner time yet. I don't want to eat while Cy and Eve are here, so I sit on the couch and talk with Eve for a bit, before she has to get ready for her date with her husband. We don't talk about anything serious. She asks me about college and what my degree is in. She even asks me how I met Parker. I love telling that story and do so with a smile on my face the entire time. Parker joins us and gives his side of the story. We laugh, and I sink into his side, relishing in his warmth while we talk. She tells me about working for Blair and how much she loves it.

  We stay on the couch while Eve gets ready. Cy doesn't make another appearance until they are walking out the door. He's not happy with me and that's okay. Hopefully, he'll warm up in time. I won't push him, however.

  The food arrives, and we sit at Parker’s dining room table to eat. Each bite I take, butterflies flutter inside me. Being alone with him again and eating seems so natural, but at the same time brand new. On the one hand, I hope I always have butterflies when Parker is around, but on the other I miss the comfort and ease we had when we were together. I would love to have both again. That new, amazing, exciting part of being in a relationship, and also the rightness of being with the one person who makes you feel whole.

  I eat and use the napkin to wipe my mouth. I'm nervous about food being there and looking like an idiot in front of the man who still holds my heart. We talk and catch up. We both share what we've been doing while apart. It's like I'm having dinner with an old friend, and in a way, I am. Parker was always more than my first love. He was one of my best friends. I spent so much time with him. We lived and breathed each other that summer. It's good catching up, but God I want so much more.

  Sitting here, both of us finished eating and watching the other, I want to climb on his lap and bury my face in his neck to inhale his scent. I want to touch him all over. I want us back. Can we have what we did before, or am I a fool for thinking it could be the same? Maybe it is a lost dream to want us back to the way things were.

  "You're overthinking," he says.

  "You remember the little stuff about me. I don’t need to say a word for you to know what I’m feeling."

  "I never forgot. I thought I did. I would try to remember the way you moved or the way you talked and smiled, but over time, the memories faded. Now that you're in front of me again, it's all coming back. I know I keep saying it, but I've missed you so much."

  I don't think about climbing into his lap this time. I stand and walk to his seat. He pushes the chair back and I straddle him, thankful there aren't any arms on the chair.

  The second I'm settled on him, his hands find my ass to hold me in place. Reaching up, I hold the sides of his neck as my thumbs rub over his skin. We look into each other's eyes as a million unsaid words run rampant in my mind. He’s the only man I've ever loved. I thank whoever is listening that he was brought back into my life, and we're able to clear everything up and start anew. Now that I'm back where I belong, I never want to leave his arms.

  Fourteen

  Parker

  I'm not sure how long I can sit here with Tora on my lap before I will need her naked. My resistance is barely existent. I want her with every fiber of my being.

  As I lean in to kiss her, my phone rings on the kitchen counter. I groan and close my eyes.

  "Ignore it," Tora says, and splays her hands on my chest.

  "I can't. I have to make sure it's not B." I watch her for a reaction. Tora knows this is how things are. If Blair calls, I go to her.

  Tora stands so I can get up and check my phone. She doesn't say anything, keeping her eyes on me as I go to the kitchen.

  Blair's name flashes on the screen of my phone. "B, are you okay?"

  Soft sobs reach me before Blair speaks my name quietly. "Parker..."

  "I'll be right there." I hang up and grab my keys. I start to head for the door, but Tora's voice stops me in my tracks.

  "Is she okay?" Shit. I forgot she was here. How the fuck did I do that? The woman I love is back in my life. Blair calls and everything else fades away, but not in a good way. It's like I get tunnel vision and only can focus on making sure Blair is safe.

  "Tora, I'm so sorry. Every time she calls I just bolt out the door." I reach her in three long strides. "Please, come with me."

  "Are you sure? She might not want me there."

  "She told you everything that happened. If she didn't want you there, or want you to know anything, then she wouldn't have opened up. Part of being friends with B, and knowing all her shit, is facing this kind of thing with her. She needs us. I want you to come. If we’re going to make this work between us, you need to know where I go in the middle of the night. You need to see what happens when I get there, because I never want you to think I'm lying when I leave to help B."

  "I wouldn't have thought—"

  "Maybe not right away, but I worry about over time. This frequently happens when she's stressed. Plus, you going with me, you'll see how you can help her if she ever calls you. We're all she has, Tora. Will you come with me?" She nods.

  Jumping in my SUV, I drive across town well over the speed limit. I'm not worried about getting pulled over. Flying through town isn't something I normally do, but I have been pulled over in the past. Our local cops know about Blair and what happened. I told them sometimes I have to rush to her place and they've left me alone since. No questions asked. I don't go stupid fast, but definitely over the speed limit.

  I pull into Blair's driveway and open the garage door. The routine is so ingrained in me that I don't even think when I get here. I just move.

  Tora and I jump out of the Rover. We go inside, disarm the alarm, and go up the stairs. We don't talk; neither of us has said a word since we left my place.

  The first place I check is the closet, since that's the last place I found her. She isn't in there, so I check the bathroom next. The lights are off, the curtain closed on the shower. As I approach, I hear a slight whimper.

  "B, it's only Tora and me. I'm going to open the curtain now." Slowly I pull it back as not to startle her further.

  Blair is sitting tucked against one side, with her knees brought up to her chest. I climb into the dry tub and crouch in front of her. The only light spilling in from her bedroom. The sun is setting and even with her blinds drawn, a little light still gets in. I hold out my hands to her. She hesitates before placing her shaking hands in mine. After I lift her up, we slowly walk to the bed, and I tuck her under the blankets.

  "We're going to be right back. We're going to get one of your pills." She nods and closes her eyes.

  There are times when Blair will talk and cry, and others where she shuts down when I get here. I don't bother trying to get her to talk anymore. After so many attempts, I know it's of no use. She will talk when she wants to.

  Downstairs, I show Tora where the pills are. I take the package out and retrieve one pill. "She only gets one at a time. I bring her this and a glass of water."

  "Why doesn't she leave them upstairs? Then she can grab them when she needs them."

  "She's too afraid. The pill knocks her out. It's not like a regular sleep where a disturbance will wake her. She'll sleep solidly for hours and isn't easily awoken. She's worried if Brant were to come after she took one, she'd never hear him."

  "But she has the alarm on the house. The police will be called if someone breaks in."

  "I know this and so does she, but if she's in a deep sleep, she might not hear it and it wouldn't give her time to hide. He would be on her in a matter of minutes and there w
ould be nothing she could do. At least if she's startled out of a regular sleep, she can hide. She's found spots all throughout the house, which aren’t obvious, where she could crawl into until police arrive. This could all be for nothing, too. I don’t know for sure he’d come after her, though I have a gut feeling he will. And if it makes her feel better to have a plan in place, then I’m all for it."

  “Has he contacted her while he’s been in prison?”

  “He used to try, but she refused to talk to him.”

  “What makes her think he’d come here?”

  I shrug. “It’s more of a feeling she has of impending doom. She said she’d never seen him as angry as she did that day. It was like a switch flipped and he became a completely different person. The nightmares don’t help. They constantly have her reliving her past.”

  Tora looks around the kitchen, tears filling her eyes. "I hate that she lives like this. So afraid all the time."

  "Believe me, so do I. But she won't come live with me. I've asked her. She doesn't want to be a burden on me—more than she already is. Her words, not mine."

  "I can see her side of it. It has to be awful living in fear. How much longer is he in jail for?"

  "He gets out very soon, but we don't have an exact date. She hopes she’ll get a call before he's released. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. We'll be lucky to know the day of."

  Back upstairs, I give Blair the pill and water. She clutches my hand in hers then looks at Tora. "I'm sorry," she cries. "You two were together and I ruined your night."

  Tora goes to the other side of the bed and sits down. She takes Blair's free hand in hers. "You did not ruin our night. I told you I would be here for you and that's what I'm doing. Is there anything I can do to help?"

  "Stay."

  "Of course." Tora looks to me. "Can you please get my purse and phone out of your SUV? I want to let my parents know I won't be home tonight."

  I nod, go downstairs, and outside to grab her things. With the Rover locked, I close the garage door and set the alarm. Back upstairs, I notice Tora has gotten under the blankets with Blair and is holding her tight. Blair is crying, while Tora softly runs her hand over Blair's hair. Handing Tora her phone, I stay next to her while she quickly types out a text and places the phone on the nightstand.

  I climb on top of the blankets and settle on the other side of Blair. Tora's eyes find mine. "Go, I got her. Get some sleep." I'm surprised Tora is offering to spend the night here. They only just talked this morning.

  "No, it's fine. I'll stay."

  Blair’s breathing evens out as she relaxes in Tora's arms. Those dissolvable pills are amazing. They work much faster than one you swallow.

  "Parker, I'm okay here, really. Let me do this. If for some reason one night you can't get here, then I will."

  "For now." Yeah, it was a dig at what she said earlier about maybe not getting a job locally, but fuck if my heart could handle her leaving again. I could follow her, but what about Blair? Or my family? Or Cy and Eve? There are so many questions running through my head, which I would love to get answers to. Now isn't the time, however. I should never have said what I did.

  "I'm sorry," I say honestly.

  "I don't want to leave you, Parker, but I need to find a job I'll love. I'm not sure where that will be."

  "I know. I shouldn't have brought it up. Are you sure you're going to be okay here?"

  She nods. "I'm tired. I could use the extra sleep." There's no point in arguing with her. Once she's made up her mind there is no changing it.

  "I'll grab Cy later and have him bring me to your SUV. I’ll drive it up here and leave the key fob under the floor mat."

  "Thank you." She hands me the key fob.

  I guess I'm being dismissed. She doesn't want me here tonight. Maybe what I said truly upset her. Shit. I'm such an idiot.

  I stand without saying another word and leave the house, making sure to disarm and rearm the system as I go. When I get to my Rover, my phone vibrates with an incoming text from Tora.

  Tora: I'll call you tomorrow.

  Me: Sounds good.

  I'm not sure what else to say. I upset her. Now I get to go home to my empty bed, where only hours ago I was so close to having her in it.

  The drive to the cabin is short and Cy and Eve aren't back yet. I throw my keys on the counter and go to my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I throw myself down on the bed and replay everything that happened today with Tora.

  We made a lot of progress, but my mouth had to go and fuck it up. Then again, maybe I need to do things differently. When we dated the first time, I tried to always keep the peace between us. I never wanted to fight with Tora and did everything in my power not to. If she got mad at me, it was for something small and sex always worked to make her forget what happened. We were always on good terms.

  Going forward, do I want to be the same? Life has taught me I need to say what I feel and not hold things in. That I could lose someone I love at a moment's notice. No, I'm not going to stay quiet this time. If we are going to fight, so be it. It's healthy to let it all out and not keep it bottled up. I don't want to regret not saying something or wish I had done things differently. Tora and I are starting fresh, and I'm going to be honest and open with her every step of the way.

  Fifteen

  Astoria

  I maybe slept three hours last night. Blair was out like a light and didn't stir until eight this morning. I spent the night tossing and turning and thinking about Parker. I don't want to fight with him, but we have a lot to talk about. While I love him, I'm not going to put my career on hold or take a job I don't want so I can stay in Arrow Falls. I didn't bust my ass the last four years to do nothing with my degree.

  Blair thanked me for staying the night and apologized profusely for breaking down the way she did. I told her not to worry about it and that's what friends were for. That I'd happily be there for her whenever she needed me. She's used to leaning on Parker, but I can understand it being harder to lean on me when she barely knows me. To have her fear and anxiety exposed can't be easy either. I told her I'm not here to judge her. My goal is to provide comfort and help in any way I can.

  After I got home, I showered and texted Parker to see if he wanted to do something. He replied and asked if I had eaten breakfast. I hadn't. He said to come by and we could eat together.

  I throw on a pair of denim shorts and a blush colored tank top. Minimal makeup is applied. Running a brush through my hair, I decide not to bother drying it. With the hot summer days and high humidity, there is no point in trying to tame it. Plus, I'm honestly not in the mood today. There's a sense of foreboding blanketing me. Like by the end of this day, I'll have barely any makeup left from crying. Will Parker and I fight? What he said last night is only the tip of the iceberg. Or will we revert to old times where we barely argue, and everything is solved with very hot sex? I'm not sure how long I can resist Parker. Every move he makes is a calling to me. I want to feel him inside me again. I want his hands and mouth on my skin. Great, now I'm hot and bothered for the drive to his place. It's not good that I'll be showing up there already turned on. It will take a lot of willpower for me not to jump him when I enter his cabin. Fight or not, I desire him strongly.

  Pulling up to his cabin, I notice Cy's truck outside. There goes any lust I had. Maybe I can make it a banner day and fight with both Parker and Cy. Wouldn't that be fun?

  I reach the door and am unsure if I should ring the doorbell or just go in. Doorbell, definitely. I don't want to assume it's okay to walk right into his home, especially when he shares it with two other people.

  Pressing the button, I wait outside, turning slowly to take in the tall trees which surround the two-story A-frame cabin. It's so serene here. I can see why Parker likes it. Nothing but nature surrounding you.

  The door opens, and a very handsome Parker is on the other side of it. His blond hair is hanging onto his forehead. The deep green t-shirt he’s wearing draws my a
ttention to his chest and arms. It also makes his eyes stand out more. They look darker than normal. The green more emerald.

  He smiles. "You could have come up. You didn't have to wait to be let in."

  "I wasn't sure."

  He takes a step forward but doesn't touch me. "You’re always welcome in my home, Tora."

  I nod, not wanting to say anything else right now. He takes my hand in his and pulls me inside, up a flight of stairs, and through the door to his open living area. The second we are through that door, the smell of French toast hits me and sends a hundred memories tumbling through my mind. Waking up with Parker’s arms around me. Spending the entire morning with him. Mornings where we'd eat then have sex in the kitchen. So many good memories surround having breakfast with him.

  My eyes become a little misty; reminiscing about the past and all the time we missed since then. Parker notices and brings his hand up to cup my cheek. His thumb brushes away a tear that breaks free.

  "I didn't mean to make you cry."

  I take a deep, shaky breath and let it out. "I know, it's just..."

  "The smell of vanilla and cinnamon." He finishes my sentence.

  "Yeah."

  He dips his head down to kiss me softly then engulfs me in a tight hug. "I'm sorry, Tora."

  I shake my head, trying to keep more tears from falling. "It's okay."

  "No, it's not. We have a lot to talk about, but it was wrong of me to say what I did last night. I can't seem to hold anything back, now that I have you again. The thought of not being with you makes my chest ache."

  I pull back to look into his eyes. "I didn't say I didn't want to be with you. I want to find a good job. Not once did I say that I didn't want you there with me."