Perfect Wreckage

by Cowles, Catherine

  “Grant.” I didn’t know what else to say.

  Crosby opened his arms, and I walked right into them. The strength and warmth of his hold was everything that I needed. Just to know I wasn’t alone. I didn’t want Crosby to fix my problems, but I wanted to know that he was with me while I went on the journey. He rubbed a hand up and down my back. “Tell me what happened.”

  I turned my head to the side so my cheek rested on his pec. “They got to the landlord I was going to rent an office space from. I found the perfect little place just off Main. Corrie and I negotiated the lease yesterday, but today, it was suddenly unavailable. When I asked if it was because of Grant, all of the blood drained out of the landlord’s face.”

  Crosby muttered a curse. “I’m so sorry.”

  “When is this going to end?”

  “Soon.” He pulled back but took hold of my shoulders. “I promise. We have closing arguments in a few days, and I think we’re going to win. Grant and Hotchkiss know it, so they’re pulling out all the stops.”

  “But will they stop after they lose?” I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever be free of that twisted family. Grant seemed hellbent on making sure my life was as miserable as he could make it.

  “Grant can’t stay here forever. He might make a stink for a few days, but then I think he’ll head back to Seattle and lick his wounds.”

  God, I hoped so. I slipped my hands into the front pockets of Crosby’s jeans, pulling him closer. “I just needed to see you. To let all of this out.”

  Something flashed across Crosby’s face too quickly for me to identify. “I’ll always have your back. You know that.”

  I studied him carefully. Something was off. “Are you okay?”

  He released his hold on my shoulders, stepping back. My hands slipped out of his pockets. “I’m fine. Things have just been crazy busy, juggling this case and my other load. It’s more than I usually have at once.”

  Guilt swamped me. Crosby was getting paid by Harriet’s estate to defend the contested will, but he still couldn’t let his other clients slide. And it didn’t help that I’d been a drama magnet lately, and he’d been sucked into helping me every step of the way. “Why don’t I make you dinner tonight? You can relax, and we can watch whatever you want. Even Star Wars for the eighty-millionth time.”

  Crosby winced. “I actually told my friend, Michael, that I’d go climbing with him in a bit. We were going to grab dinner afterward.”

  “That sounds like fun. Want to come over after?” I was feeling especially vulnerable after the events of the day, and there was nothing more I wanted than Crosby’s arms around me as I fell asleep.

  Hesitation flickered in his eyes for the briefest of moments. “Sure. I can do that.”

  He could do that. But it didn’t sound like he wanted to. “Okay. I’ll see you later, then.”

  Crosby pressed a kiss to my hair. “See you tonight. Be there around eight.”

  I walked out of the office, wondering when the last time was that he hadn’t kissed my lips when we parted.

  * * *

  I glanced at my phone again. It was well after midnight, but I couldn’t sleep. The only message was an outgoing one from around nine-thirty.

  Me: Everything okay?

  There had been no answer. I hugged my knees to my chest as tightly as possible, as if that pressure might stop my heart from aching. I tapped out another text, this time to Bell.

  Me: Are you at The Catch?

  I nibbled on my lip as I watched the three little dots on my phone appear. How had I become the girl trying to chase her boyfriend down? Hell, he wasn’t even my boyfriend. He was some undefined entity that I had no rights to.

  Bell: Yup. What’s up? You okay?

  I was anything but okay. I was coming apart at the seams, and I hated myself for it.

  Me: I’m fine. I was just wondering if Crosby was there?

  I cringed as I sent the message. It sounded desperate and needy. But I was worried. What if Crosby had gotten hurt climbing. I had no idea where he’d gone. My heart rate picked up. Oh, God. What if he was hurt and cold and alone right now? I swung my feet out of bed, moving to pull on sweats. My phone buzzed.

  Bell: Yup. He and his friend are entertaining the entire bar. Why? Is he supposed to be with you? Want me to kick his butt out of here?

  I stared at my phone for a long moment. He was fine. And I was the last thing on his mind.

  Me: No, he’s fine. I just hadn’t heard from him after going rock climbing and wanted to make sure he was okay. You know my paranoia about extreme sports. Let him have his fun.

  I wasn’t going to be the one who tried to pull him back. I wasn’t going to be another Alicia in his life, trying to control and change him. But it didn’t change the fact that Crosby might not be what I needed. I didn’t want to question where the man in my life was late at night. Didn’t want to wonder who he was with. I’d been through that before, and I had no desire to revisit it. And more than anything, I wanted to feel like a gift in someone’s life. Never again did I want to feel like a burden.

  43

  Crosby

  I took another long sip of my coffee as the owner of The Mad Baker set down my donut. Jules gave me a long once-over. “You’re looking a little worse for wear.”

  I forced a grin that I knew fell short. “Nothing one of your bacon maple bars won’t cure.”

  “You’re too old to be tying one on like that.”

  “I’m a twenty-one-year-old at heart. Doesn’t that count for something?”

  She shook her head. “The older you get, the steeper the price for a night out on the town.”

  I winced. She wasn’t wrong about that. I glanced down at my phone. Nothing from Kenna. I’d texted her at one a.m. when the bar closed and hadn’t heard a peep in response. She’d probably been asleep. I’d fucked up royally. I hadn’t meant to. But Alicia had gotten another phone after I’d blocked her number and had begun texting me around six, demanding to meet. I’d put my cell on silent and shoved it into my pocket. I’d then proceeded to have one too many drinks with Michael, conveniently forgetting about all of my problems—Kenna, along with them.

  By the time I’d sobered up, it was five hours past when I was supposed to be at her house. I’d texted her immediately. Apologizing profusely. It was after eight a.m. now. She was definitely awake. I cringed. It wasn’t a good sign that I hadn’t heard from her. Maybe I could grab her a muffin and her favorite coffee to ease myself back into her good graces. She loved the hazelnut lattes here.

  The bell over the bakery rang, and I looked up. I had the sudden urge to hide under the table. My brain could not deal with Alicia this morning.

  “Crosby,” she bit out. “You haven’t returned a single one of my texts.”

  “Why would I?”

  Alicia’s cheeks reddened. “I’ve had just about enough of this. You’re throwing a temper tantrum like a spoiled little boy. I messed up. I’ve apologized. You need to get over it so we can return to Boston and get back to our lives. It’s been four years. That should’ve been long enough for you to lick your wounds.”

  Now, this was the real Alicia. The one who demanded everything to be her way, on her timetable. The woman who had no concept of how her actions might affect other people. The person I hadn’t recognized for far too long. “I am over it. What’s amusing is that you think that after four years, you have some magic hold over me. You’re poison, Alicia. And I won’t let you infect the new life I’ve built here.”

  But she already had. Her presence alone had thrown me for a loop, made me question everything that I had with Kenna. It’d sent me into a tailspin where I’d done the last thing I wanted to do—I’d caused Kenna pain.

  Alicia rolled her eyes. “Always so dramatic.”

  I pushed to my feet. “By dramatic, do you mean that I have a heart? I know it’s a foreign concept to you. But most people find it an asset. You wouldn’t because you’re a vampire. You suck the life out of e
veryone around you. You take and you take until they have nothing left to give, or you find someone else who looks like they have more. I’m done playing your messed-up little game. If you don’t leave this island in the next twenty-four hours, I’m filing a restraining order. I’d say your string of text messages and showing up unannounced on my doorstep would give me a pretty good case.”

  It would be embarrassing as hell to have to present that case to a judge, but I didn’t care. I was done letting this woman ruin my life. Through allowing her to twist my mind.

  Alicia blanched. “You wouldn’t.”

  “Test me.” I’d do whatever it took to finally be free of her.

  Tears filled her eyes. The thing was, they were tears because she was losing her fallback meal ticket, not because I’d hurt her in any real way. She moved quickly before I had a chance to sidestep her, throwing her arms around me. “Please, Crosby, I’m so sorry.”

  The bell over the door rang again. Great, a witness to this display. I froze, my eyes connecting with amber ones that looked right into my soul. Fuck. I pried myself out of Alicia’s hysterical embrace. “Brown Eyes.”

  The pain that lanced through Kenna’s expression at my words almost brought me to my knees. Total and complete devastation. I moved to her, but she took a step back. “I, um, I don’t have time for this right now. I’m supposed to meet Corrie to look at a new office space.”

  “Wait, please.” I wanted to touch her, but Kenna clearly wanted no part of my skin on hers. My hands fisted at my sides. “Just give me five minutes.”

  There was heat at my back. “Who is she?” Alicia’s voice was ice-cold, no hint of any of the tears or emotion that had seemingly plagued her a second ago.

  “She is none of your damn business. You need to leave, Alicia. Go back to Boston, now.”

  Kenna stiffened at the name. That pain flaring back to life in her eyes. “It sounds like you two have some things to hash out. I’ll talk to you later, Crosby.”

  Alicia sneered at Kenna. “Or not.”

  I whirled on her. “Have you been drinking crazy juice? I’m not going back to Boston with you. My life is here. It always will be. And even if it wasn’t, there is nothing in this world that could make me want a life with you.”

  Alicia’s face was the shade of a tomato. “You’re going to regret this. You’ll realize that this island and that woman are nothing more than cheap imitations of what you really want. But by then, it’ll be too late.”

  “Whatever helps you sleep at night,” I muttered. Alicia flounced out of the bakery, making sure to glare at Kenna on the way. I rubbed my temples. “Jesus.”

  “She’s, uh, interesting.”

  I scoffed. “That’s one word for her.” I surveyed Kenna’s face. Her mask was firmly in place, the same one she used to keep the world out was now being used to keep me at bay, as well. I wanted to kick myself. “Kenna, please.”

  I reached out for her, but Kenna stepped out of my path. “I really don’t have time, Crosby.” She glanced at her watch. “I’m already late.”

  “Will you come to my office after your showing?”

  Kenna pressed her lips together but nodded. “I’m not sure how long I’ll be.”

  “It doesn’t matter. I’ll be waiting.”

  “Okay.” Without another word, she turned and left.

  I watched as Kenna walked down the street, keeping my eyes trained on her until she disappeared from sight.

  I just hoped she wouldn’t vanish from my life, too.

  44

  Kenna

  My breaths came quicker and quicker as I power walked down Main Street. I shoved down the sobs that wanted to surface. I had to hold it together. I could feel Crosby’s stare on my back. I didn’t want him to know that I was falling apart. Going to pieces because I loved a man who didn’t love me in return. You didn’t forget about the people you loved. You didn’t hide things from them. At least, that wasn’t the kind of love I wanted.

  I rounded the corner onto Bay Street where I was supposed to meet Bell and Corrie to look at this new office space. I doubted it was in my price range. All of these buildings had ocean views. I tried to focus on crunching numbers in my head, going over how much rent I could afford. It wasn’t working. I kept seeing Crosby’s face in my mind. Alicia with her arms wrapped around him. Nausea swept through me.

  When I caught sight of Bell, the tears I’d been holding back began to fall, spilling over quicker and quicker in silent tracks down my cheeks. As soon as Bell could make out my face, she started jogging over to me. In a matter of seconds, she had me wrapped in her arms. “What is it? Grant? What happened?”

  I shook my head against her hold. “Crosby.”

  Bell let out a very creative string of curses. “What did he do?”

  “He—he doesn’t love me.”

  Bell pulled back, grasping my shoulders. “Did he tell you that?”

  “He didn’t have to. He said it loud and clear with his actions.”

  Bell looked doubtful. “Come on. Corrie sent us a text and said she’s going to be fifteen minutes late. Let’s go sit on the beach.”

  I followed Bell towards the water. I needed a few minutes to get myself under control. But that wall I’d meticulously built to seal away all my emotions didn’t seem to work anymore. Crosby had eaten away at it with his challenge to experience everything life had to offer. And now I couldn’t put it back together, no matter how hard I tried.

  Bell tugged me down onto a worn log. “Tell me what happened.”

  I walked her through it all. How Crosby didn’t want a forever kind of relationship, no marriage, no family. How Alicia had wounded him. I told her that I’d fallen in love with him despite it all. How he made me see the world differently. I shared how he’d been pulling away for the past few days, and who I’d found him with this morning. “I love him, Bells. But I can’t live like this. It was crazy for me to think I could. I’m always going to want more, and that’s not fair to him. Or to me.”

  Bell laced her fingers through mine and squeezed. “I think you need to let him make that choice.”

  I shuddered at the thought. I wanted to close myself off to him before I’d given us the opportunity to talk things out. But Bell was right. He deserved to know how I felt. What I wanted. Even if I didn’t think it would change anything. “I’ll talk to him. But it’s going to hurt.”

  “Sometimes, you have to hurt before you can heal. Ford taught me that.”

  I gave her a small smile. “I’m glad you guys worked through things.”

  Bell’s eyes searched mine. “You and Crosby might, too.”

  “I don’t think so.” It killed something deep inside me to say those words aloud, but they were the truth.

  “Even if things don’t work out, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. He changed you, Kenna. Opened you up to experience life again. That will always be a gift.”

  And I would be grateful for that for the rest of my days.

  * * *

  I rubbed my hands down the legs of my jeans. The past couple of hours had been a blur. Corrie had found me the perfect office and for a screaming deal. How she’d managed to work that magic, I had no idea, but I was grateful. I wished I could soak in the joy of the moment, but I was numb. Totally and utterly dead to any feeling other than the anxiety thrumming through me.

  Before I reached the bottom step to the law office, the door swung open, and Crosby appeared. He looked miserable, but it didn’t stop my heart from doing a little flip and roll. That would probably never end. I was cursed to feel that free fall whenever I ran into him on this tiny island. I pushed the thought from my head and managed a, “Hey,” but it came out a little hoarse.

  “Hey, Brown Eyes. Walk with me?”

  The nickname twisted something in my chest. Would he still call me that when this was over? What would feel worse? Being greeted with Brown Eyes or my given name that meant I’d been returned to the role of casual acquaintance?

&n
bsp; We headed across the grass and towards the water. It wasn’t until our feet hit the gray sand that Crosby spoke. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. Alicia showed up two days ago and really threw me for a loop. I just needed some time to get my head on straight.”

  I focused my gaze on the beach, knowing that if I looked at Crosby, my resolve would melt away. “I understand needing space, time to process, but you could’ve told me what was going on. What you needed. Instead, you ran away and left me wondering what the hell had happened.” I risked a quick glance in Crosby’s direction. His jaw was set as hard as the stones scattered across the beach. “I was worried. I thought you might’ve been in a rock-climbing accident. I had to text Bell and see if you were at the bar. Turns out, you were too busy yucking it up with a buddy to let me know your plans had changed.”

  Crosby stopped walking. “I fucked up. I know it. Alicia wouldn’t stop texting me, so I put my phone on silent. I had a little too much to drink and lost track of time. It was careless. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

  I bent to pick up a small, smooth stone and traced its edges with my finger. Crosby freaking out and blowing me off could be forgiven, but the wakeup call it was couldn’t be forgotten. I looked up and met his gaze, it pleaded for me to understand, but I wasn’t sure I could. “What do you want this to be?”

  It was really the only question I needed an answer to. Everything else could be smoothed over and figured out as long as we were on the same page with this. I couldn’t help the hope that bubbled to life in my belly, the deep yearning for this man to have changed his mind about what he wanted his life to be.

  Crosby’s expression grew guarded. “What do you mean?”

  “Us. You and me. In your perfect world, what does this relationship look like?”

  He stepped closer, his hand reaching out and tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I’d let it go wavy today, free in the way Crosby had always encouraged me to be. He twisted the strand around his finger before letting go. “I want us to be exactly what we were before I messed things up. I love going on adventures with you, forcing you to watch Star Wars with me.” He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me flush against him. “I love touching you and making you come alive.”