“I understand, and I’m not asking you to replace him,” he adds. “I love the three of you so much. And there’s no way I’ll love you the way Leo did. But I’ll love you the best way I can if you give us a chance. You have a big heart and I know there’s enough space for me.”
“I’ve missed you,” I say, looking at the ocean. “Thank you for coming so fast, for finding Finn.”
“There’s nothing to thank me for. I love Finn. As I searched for him, I kept thinking about James, I never met him, yet I still love him. That love I have for him is similar to the one I have for Finn and Harp. Even though I know they have their own father, I’d work hard to be a father figure to them. Not to replace him, but more like make sure they grow up with someone who loves them.”
“Porter,” I sigh because tonight he’s saying the right things, but I’m not ready to say much back.
“I love you, Mac, and you can’t change that,” he explains. “Your smile that comes out so naturally no matter how shitty the circumstances. Your inquisitive mind, the love you have for your children. You don’t give yourself enough credit for all you do.” He sighs touching my hand. “I wish you’d give yourself a chance to feel again, to live instead of guarding your heart. Will I leave you?” He shrugs. “I can’t promise that I won’t, because I don’t know how long I’ll live, but no one has a crystal ball and knows what’s going to happen tomorrow, or in five minutes. I’m asking you to give me those five minutes.”
How many times can a person hit the restart button?
Is there a limit?
I don’t know, but after the almost week I spent with the Decker family, I want to do that. Give myself another chance. Find a happy place; make sure my children feel like we’re a family. Not just three people sharing a last name with the only goal of survival. Families share everything, the good, the bad, the happy, and the sad.
Moving to Seattle offers more than a team of therapists for Finn. It includes friends. Friends, who in a week, taught me that life is better when you have someone to lean on. That if I let myself share some of the weight I carry, it’s easier to manage. My children fell in love with the entire family. By the end of our time together, they were calling the grandparents by their nicknames. Even Thea’s father welcomed them both and let them call him Papa Arthur.
For those many reasons and more that I may not have thought about yet, I want to try living in Seattle. This won’t be an easy move, but it’ll be worth it. I’ve been weighing the pros and cons for the past month. Harper worries me, as she’ll have to start a new school. She’s going to be the new girl again, but we can face that together. We’ll find a good support for the two of us. My goal is to find some common ground and find a way for us to relate. When I ran my idea by her, she was ecstatic. Seeing Papa Gabe and Chris was her second thought, her first was Porter. She’d be closer to him. We’ll be closer to him. Only I have no idea what the best area is to search for an apartment in Seattle. Schools . . . taking a nice sip of coffee and a deep breath, I decide to call AJ. She lives there and has an academy too.
Asking for a little help is a good way to start.
“Hi, you reached the voicemail of AJ Bradley-Decker. You know what to do.”
“AJ, this is Mackenzie Brooke,” I say after the beep. “Call me whenever you have time. I made a decision, and I need your help to find an apartment in Seattle. I have a few questions about the area. I’ve been thinking about the kids’ future, your offer to help with Finn. Starting another chapter might be the last push I need to find our new normal. Anyway . . . Please, call me when you have time, thank you.”
After hanging up the phone, I look at my list one more time.
Find a job.
Find an apartment.
Find schools for the kids.
Send the transcripts from the old school to the new one.
Get boxes.
Pack.
Am I doing them in the right order? I hope so. My phone rings, AJ’s name appears.
“AJ, thank you for calling back,” I answer.
“Mac, how are you? Are the kids alright?”
“Yes, we’re fine. Better,” I say looking at the written list and reading possibilities in between the lines, not chores, or extra work. Possibilities.
“I heard your message, Pops, my brothers, and I are puzzled. When do you plan to move?”
Hmm, I wanted this to remain between the two of us until I was ready to move and my life made sense. Does it matter that they know? No. Maybe between all of them we can find a place faster. “It’s a slow process. But I’m actively searching for a job.”
“You’ve been doing some admin stuff for the flower shop and you can handle the office, right?”
“Yeah?” Her question doesn’t make sense and all I hear are muffled voices in the background and I wonder if I made a mistake by calling her.
“Let’s figure out housing . . . No, Mattie, my other house is occupied and Porter is living at Arthur’s.”
“Tell her that we’ll call her in a few hours, baby girl. Let’s finish this track and then organize the move.”
“Pops says—”
“No worries, I heard. Thank you, but, I don’t want to burden you guys.”
“You are part of our family, and if you could, you’d do this for us too. Wouldn’t you?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Then it’s settled, we’ll see you in a few days.”
A few days?
New life, take two.
“Welcome home.” AJ opens the door, Harper zooms by without saying hello. Finn follows right behind. “How was the trip?”
“Exhausting,” Chris answers, walking right behind me. “I’m no longer in shape to move my children around.”
“I said we should split the move into two days,” Gabe complains, climbing up the stairs. “You chose not to wait for the weekend so the boys could help and to do everything in one day.”
“My mistake,” Chris grumbles, following his husband. “Ainsley Janine, take them to your house for an hour. We have to decompress.”
She shakes her head and we all leave the house through the backyard.
“I wish my old house had been available for you. Though we’ll love having you here,” she comments, as we walk through a stone trail. She suddenly stops and points at the house in front of us. “The house next to my parents is mine, the next one is Jacob’s, the small cottage is where my grandparents live, and at the end is Matt’s. We all have room for you guys, but my parents wanted to have you with them.” We stop in the middle, where there’s a small, fenced in play area. Harper and Finn go inside and we sit on a bench that’s outside.
“Thank you for answering my call and helping me settle in.” I study the area. There are trees, a pool, a greenhouse, a pond, and a lake surrounding most of the property. “You guys didn’t have to go through all this trouble, but I appreciate the hospitality.”
After spending a couple of days with Porter and his family in California, I kept thinking about my life. They were offering me a chance to start a new chapter. Guidance to navigate the next stage. Finn needs more help than I can give him. AJ offered me a job, and as an employee, I get free classes for my children. That means Finn’s preschool fees, therapies, and music lessons for Harper will be taken care of. Looking for a place to stay was out of the question, seeing as how their homes are big enough to accommodate us. Chris called to offer his house, saying that it’d be an honor for him and Gabe to have us.
“I still think you should’ve told Porter.”
“Soon. I’m planning to talk to him before we bump into each other at work. Right after we settle in.”
We have to unpack and meet the new counselors. Thea sent me a list of therapists in the area who are also pro bono. We all are going to go to grief counseling. Seattle might be our final destination. If everything works out for us, I might use the money I have in the bank for a down payment on a house. Aunt Molly was sad to see me go, but relieved because
she found a great place in San Diego to settle down. My parents are supportive about this step, but I didn’t mention Porter because I am not sure if I’m ready to deal with that part yet.
Mac: I’m making a few changes.
Porter: I’m happy to hear that.
I stare at the screen, wishing I could see more than the picture I have of him with the kids.
Mac: You already did a lot, but I might need moral support. Today I start a new job. I began therapy yesterday.
Porter: The kids?
Mac: Harper is starting a new program, Finn a new preschool and therapies. Plus, both began grief counseling too.
Porter: Sounds like a great start to a new life.
Mac: I hope so . . .
Mac: I’m not sure how you’ll fit into our lives, but I hope we find a place for you.
Porter: Me too, Mac. Me too.
Mac: How about if we start slow?
Porter: How slow?
Mac: Lunch?
Porter: I can’t today. I’ll drive to Portland next weekend and take you out for a nice dinner—no kids.
Mac: Do you know of any place where I can have lunch that is close to Decker’s Art Academy?
Porter: Many, but where are you?
Mac: The reception desk, covering Sonny’s lunch. She comes back in ten minutes.
Porter: I’ll be there in nine.
Porter rushes through the sliding doors. “How?” His large frame hovers over the reception desk. His features soften as he gazes down at me.
“I took a small leap, for the kids—for me,” I offer, not sure why suddenly I’m feeling shy.
“Where are the kids?”
I grab my purse when Sonny arrives back from lunch, wave at her and join Porter on the other side where he gives me a quick hug.
“Finn is here. AJ opened up a space for him in the preschool program,” I explain, walking out of the academy and wishing our hug had lasted longer than it did. “He’ll be going to therapy right after. Harper is with Chris at the library—I’m unsure about sending her to school. Maybe they’ll help me homeschool her.”
“Fuck. I can’t believe you’re here.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Let’s go around the corner, you’re going to like this place.”
We arrive at a bistro within minutes. Porter opens the door for me, asking the hostess for a table for two. Several women turn to look at him while we walk to the booth, but his eyes are focused on me. I scoot down to the end of the booth and he slides next to me. As I look around, it hits me. This is the first time we’re out without the kids. Just the two of us. It feels different, intimate. All his attention is on me, but of course not having the kids doesn’t mean that we don’t talk about them. He listens to every word I say about my decision to move, Harper’s joy finding out that she can use AJ’s pool every day, and Finn’s love for AJ’s cat, Toby.
“Harper wants a pet and twin sisters.” He chokes with the chicken soup. “Or at least, another brother or sister.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I ignored her because anything I say will be used against me,” I remind him of my darling girl.
“I miss them.”
“Porter . . .” I shrink, wanting to disappear under the table. “My therapist thinks that until I know what I’m doing, I should keep them stable. What if things between us don’t work?”
Changing the subject he asks, “Tell me what you do at the Academy.”
We talk about the admin stuff I do on a daily basis, also the project that AJ has been planning. Grow a garden, while the kids are learning. He shares his newest project with me. Along with Matthew and Jacob, they’re opening auditions to discover the next big band. Matt might make it a reality show, but he’s working on the details. When his phone buzzes, I realize that somehow we’ve been talking for a little more than an hour and we barely touched our food.
“We have to go back, Mac.” He signals the waiter. “Let’s plan on doing this tomorrow, but only for an hour.”
I shake my head because that’s not giving me space. He places a finger on top of my lips. “You have to eat; I have to eat. Unless you bring food that we can share to my office, I’ll take you out to lunch.”
“Only for tomorrow,” I agree, but he grins, and I can feel the battle about lunch just beginning.
After eight weeks, life has settled for the kids and for me. A couple of weeks after we arrived, we moved into a cute three-bedroom apartment. We live close to the Academy and within the city. Counseling has been beneficial for the three of us. Harper and I have learned to cope with the loss and start building a new relationship without her father being the center of it. We love Leo and understand that he’s no longer among us. His ashes are inside a black box and his soul is in heaven. As long as we carry his memories with us, he’ll be in our hearts.
Finn is making progress. He says the basic words and asks for Porter more often than I’d like to hear from him. Not because I have a problem with Porter, but because we all want him to express himself further. Porter misses the kids, and though he’s seen them while they are at the academy, he has kept himself away from them. My lunch during the week is a trip to the record company with food that one of us prepares the night before.
“You outdid yourself today, Mr. Kendrick,” I close the container of food and set it on top of his desk. “I’m thinking that tomorrow should be your turn again.”
“Fell for that once already, Mackenzie Brooke.” He opens his drawer and takes out a Snickers bar. “Catch. We’ll have to call this dessert, the weather is too shitty to go for ice cream, and I have a recording session soon.”
“So are the rumors about your return to the music biz true?” My heart drops, because of the uncertainty. Porter the singer wasn’t a great person back in the day. I fear how it’ll affect him.
He shakes his head. “We’re releasing an album in a couple of weeks,” he explains, setting his arms on his desk and leaning forward. “It’ll benefit the foundation. The Decker girls are planning some big summer camp and it should offset the cost.”
A slight knock on the door makes me jolt. Porter walks to open it.
“Five minutes,” a woman dressed in a pair of skinny jeans and a see-through camisole announces. She stares at me and then moves her attention back to Porter. “That’s your lunch date?” She turns around, leaving a bad taste inside my mouth.
“You’re singing with her?” I rise from my seat.
“No, she’s an intern,” he explains, going to his desk and shutting his laptop. His eyes travel up and down my body and he smiles. “Careful, with that attitude I might think you’re jealous.” He winks at me, taking my hand.
“No, I . . .” His brow arches, his dark eyes stare at me and I huff. “Maybe a little.”
“You shouldn’t. I’ll walk you across the street.” Not waiting for me to say anything, he pulls me toward him, putting his arm around me. “So about Saturday—”
“Porter!” I hear the squeak, before we’re tackled by a four-foot tall tornado.
Porter releases me, bends down to Harper’s height, and hugs her tightly. “How are you, beautiful?”
“Chris, I didn’t know you were here,” I greet him.
“I have a song to record and she insisted on coming along with me,” he explains.
“Mom, can I go to California for date night?” I narrow my gaze looking at both Porter and Chris, then stare at Harper who is expecting an answer. Who the hell told her about that? “Please, pretty please. It’s going to be fun.”
“Who told her?” I lift my palms shake my head and leave. “Never mind, I have to go back to work.” Stepping closer to her, I kiss her cheek. “Love you, baby. I’ll see you at home.”
“Hey wait,” Porter calls behind. “Harp, I’ll be right back. Pops, tell them I’ll be there in a few. Mac, wait.”
“I can’t go to Malibu for date night.” I turn around to look at him. “Can we just keep things the way they are?”
�
��One date?” He takes me in his arms, kissing my forehead.
“Porter . . .” I rest my head on his chest.
Each night, I go to bed with a heavy heart and a lot of conflict inside of it. Would Leo accept that I have another man in my life? Porter wants us to move forward and I want the same. The next obvious step is a date. For the past week, he’s been asking me to go out with him on a simple date. Then, he invited me to California along with the entire Decker family. He doesn’t understand that I’m not there yet. Or am I?
The transition from the woman I was after Leo died, to the woman I am today is impressive. I no longer have trouble opening my eyes, facing the day, or making my own decisions. I’ve registered for online classes to earn my teaching degree. Between this one and my other degree, I can become a science teacher at a high school and still do what I want. Finding my passion is one of my goals.
Harper didn’t mention the trip to California with the Decker family. But I know she’s disappointed about tomorrow. Should I go? The manual of widow-mothers has nothing on when, how, and what to do when you’re falling for an amazing guy. Am I betraying someone? All the questions I have sound stupid. Mom insists that I start to date.
My phone rings, and hoping it’s Porter, I run toward my purse. Unfortunately, the caller ID reads Virginia Brooke. We haven’t spoken since last December when she accused me of being unfaithful to my late husband. My thumb hovers over the bar that reads slide to answer. I didn’t inform her that I moved to Seattle, unlike the last time when I moved from Colorado to Oregon.
“Virginia?”
“Mackenzie, how are you?”
“Fine,” I respond, clearing my throat. “Great. The kids are also doing well. How about yourself?”
“Better, I—I’m calling because things between us ended up ugly the last time I visited you,” she speaks with a soft voice. “You were trying to move on with your life. That’s something I can’t do, Mackenzie. Find a new or different life. In this new life you’re creating, I no longer have an active role. It crushed me and the sadness became anger. In my mind, telling you those hideous things would keep you close to me, but it didn’t. Did it?”
Undefeated (Unexpected Book 5) Page 21
