My heart hurts for her because I understand her fears. Her child died and no one or anything can replace a kid. That’s the biggest loss someone can endure. We all lost an important piece of our lives when Leo died and we dealt with it in different ways.
“No,” I respond. “It only made me want to stay away from you. Look, Virginia, I want my children to know their grandmother. I love you because you’re a part of Leo. If I ever decide to start a relationship with someone, that’ll never change. Unless you continue to treat me the way you did that day.”
“I’m sorry,” she says softly. “For everything I said. It was hard to see the picture in front of me. You had a family. A handsome man who adores you and the children love him. I had become an outsider.”
“You only assumed, Virginia. Porter’s a friend. Nothing happened between us.” Before that night. The memory of that horrible night makes me shiver. Porter trying to make everything better, while I treated him like he meant nothing to me. “He’s a friend.”
“My biggest fear is losing you and the kids. You’re finding a new way to live. I know it because I’ve known you since you were young, Mackenzie. You’re the one who pushed my son to find the perfect college where he could study his career of choice. He ignored my pleas to stay in North Carolina. You’re always moving forward, looking for the next big thing, making things work for both of you.”
Virginia goes from how we moved out of Charlotte, to Leo’s childhood. She talks about his love for physics, cars, and computers. Stories that I never knew. Him breaking an arm at the age of seven trying to use a remote control car to power his skateboard. She wants to give my kids his spelling bee trophies and some of his old toys.
“Maybe over the summer,” I propose, clearing the tears caused from talking about Leo, and his life. “We can try to visit you over the summer and then I can drive to Florida to see my parents, too.”
“Will you bring your boyfriend?”
“He’s only . . . I don’t know,” I stutter trying to explain that Porter isn’t anything more than a friend, but having trouble, because lately, I want him to be my everything.
“I hope you do. I’d like to erase the bad impression I made on him.”
“Thank you for calling, Virginia.” I swallow the tears because the little trip through Leo’s childhood and my doubts about Porter are about to make me wallow. “Maybe next time I’ll call you while the children are awake, so they can say hello.”
“Looking forward to it, Mackenzie.”
The conversation with Virginia exhausts me. I haven’t cried this much about the good moments in a long time. Everything has been related to Leo’s loss, but I’ve never celebrated his life. He had a short, but happy life. After letting the tears wash away from the conversation with Virginia, I decide to finally shut my eyes in hopes that I can rest. But in a blink of an eye it’s day and when I open my eyes he’s there, sitting down by my side observing me, smiling down at me.
“You’re back?” He shakes his head. “But you’re here.”
He taps my temple gently. “I’m here.” Then he touches my heart. “And here. No matter where you think I’m at, I will always be in your heart.”
“It’s hard, Leo,” I complain. “Nothing has been easy since you left. We promised to confront every obstacle we’ve faced together.”
“Now you know that you’re strong enough to face them without waiting for me or anyone,” He says it with conviction, believing in me, even when I have failed so much in the past years. “But life is easier if you share it with someone. That guy, Porter, isn’t half-bad and the kids love him. What’s stopping you from falling for him?”
“You,” I say simply.
He laughs. A rich laugh reminding me of Leo the prankster. It’s been so long that I forgot how much I enjoyed it and how it filled my entire body with happiness.
“I’m not expecting you to forget me, I hope that you’ll always remember me and the good times we shared, baby,” he whispers, laying down next to me. “I expect you to find a new happy that brings back your smile. He does it—Porter. He brings back the smile, but in a different way from how I used to do it.”
His hand caresses my cheek, our eyes meet, and they shine with a light that’s almost blinding. “I’ve seen you cry too many tears since I left. Remember me with joy; hold on to those happy moments we shared. When it’s time to celebrate, know that I’m right beside you celebrating. Don’t be sad because you don’t see me; be happy because the life you gave me was perfect. What we shared no one will take it away. I’m in a good place, enjoying a different kind of life filled with our memories. Be happy; let the light back inside your heart. Give yourself the chance to believe in love again.”
As he leaves my side, the heaviness is gone with him. The moments that we shared together swirl inside my head. Our science labs, our first kiss, our first time, our first home, and so many more that bring tears to my eyes, but they’re happy tears. Tears of pure joy. It’s time for me to come to terms and accept that my life will never be the same without him, but I can find a new way to live. It’s been three years since he left and I’ve been holding onto his memory so tightly that I’ve suffocated my children and myself to the point of almost dying of sadness.
“It’s time,” I say out loud.
“Mac?”
“How are you?” I ask trying to sound casual but it doesn’t work, not one bit. One o’clock in the morning is a little late for house calls, but I can’t help it. I have to do this now. “Where are you?”
“Working, can this wait until later?”
“Yes, no . . .” I sigh.
“Give me five,” I hear him say, and as I’m about to hang up he speaks again. “I’m all ears, are you okay?”
I bite my lip and nod, but then remember he can’t see me and that I have to talk. “Can we spend the next two days together, but without going to California? Gabe and Chris agreed to take Harp and Finn with them. There’s so much I want us to talk about. To decide. Like where to bury Leo’s ashes, your father’s too.”
“Can I call you after my session?” he asks. “My father’s ashes can wait a couple of more hours. But I swear to get them out of your hair soon. Any particular reason why you’re calling this late at night with these crazy requests?”
“A few months back I had a dream, where you were part of our family. Part of me. And I was part of you,” I confess. “Tonight it was so real. Maybe it is time to allow myself to reach for it, to allow myself things I thought . . .”
“You’re talking about an ‘us?’” Porter says, pausing way too long. “Mackenzie, be clear about it because you’re killing me here.”
“Yes, it seems that even when I didn’t want to make any room for you, you had already made your way into my heart,” I answer. “Porter, I do love you and every day our love grows.”
There’s laughter on the other end of the phone, a hysterical laugh, nervous laugh that is contagious because I find myself doing the same.
“I love you,” he whispers. “I’ll be there tomorrow morning.”
“I’ll be here, waiting for you.”
I park in front of the building where Mac lives, which is only a couple of blocks from my place. My stomach is in knots. The adrenaline flowing through my veins has kept me on a high since the moment she called me. After the late recording session, I went back home, but instead of going to bed, I went for a run. Afterward, I showered, picked up some coffee, and came to look for her. I learned from Chris that Harper and Finn were thrilled about going to California with the family. The kids fit perfectly with the Deckers and knowing that the children are accepted by them is important.
Climbing out of the truck, I spot her shutting the main door of the building.
“New truck?” Mac asks as I open the passenger door for her and help her climb inside.
“You’re already out.” I touch the bags under her eyes.
“I haven’t been able to sleep all night. Well, not after . . .”<
br />
“The dream?” I finish; she nods. I shut the door, walk around to the driver’s side, and get in. “Want to tell me about it?” She bites her lip, and before she says a word, she looks around. “I bought a new SUV a few weeks ago as I heard Jacob and Matthew talking about all of the security features their wives’ cars had to prevent accidents. Fancy shit for the kid’s car seats.”
“Why don’t we talk about the dream? No. Fast-forward and repeat those three words you said to me over the phone.”
Her looking around comes to a halt and she redirects her eyes toward me. “We should talk?” I growl, shaking my head. She laughs. “I had a dream?”
“No. Those are four.” I cup her chin with both hands. “Something about liking me, caring about me . . . loving me?”
She scrunches her nose and I’m starting to lose my bravado. The courage is leaving along with the excitement of her call. “Don’t leave me hanging here. I’m in fucking love with you. And every day I fall more and more for you. It’s the smile on that beautiful face, your beautiful eyes, your bravery, everything. I adore you. So do you . . . love me?”
“I do.” She gives me a peck. “I love you, Porter Kendrick. Because of the way you care for others, the music in your heart, your honesty, the way you love my kids, your ability to listen, and the way you make me feel safe.”
Leaning closer, my hands move to the side of her neck. Our mouths are centimeters apart. I brush her lips once. “This.” I do it one more time. “Is official.” I give her a peck, but pull apart far enough to meet her lustful eyes. “Our first.” I kiss her softly, my teeth toying with her lower lip. “Kiss.” Her breath hitches as my mouth crashes against hers. My hands drift down her back. My lips taste hers before they part and my tongue pushes into her mouth.
Her arms are now around my neck, letting herself go. This kiss is different from all the others. Everything about this moment is different. There’s no hesitation. The crazy internal fight she carried is gone. She’s mine. Each breath, each touch, each heartbeat. They belong to me. Most of all, I am hers. I move my lips down her neck, wanting to kiss her all over. But I stop because we have the weekend and hopefully a lifetime. Today is about giving her a proper date and helping her make those decisions that woke her up in the middle of the night.
I sigh and kiss her forehead, using all my strength to separate my body from hers. “Fuck, I never thought I’d say this, but we have to talk.”
“About?” Her eyes glisten and I’m close to forgetting about my plans and trying the reclining feature of the passenger seat.
“You mentioned the ashes,” I say, opening the glove compartment and handing her the letter that Steven left me.
Dear Porter,
If you’re reading this letter, it means I left this world. That you found a way to change the life you had created for yourself. Hopefully, you forgave me for all the wrongs I did. The few lines I now write you are to wish you happiness, hoping that you’re ready to start a family of your own. When you are, keep it safe, guard it with your life, and enjoy every laugh, every tear, and every fight because they are what makes life worth living.
Love,
Steven Kendrick.
P. S. If you haven’t, spread my ashes around some green pastures, let them be part of the circle of life.
“I don’t want to do that with Leo.” She straightens her back. “The kids might want to visit him. He’ll always be a part of me—of us.”
I brush the hair around her face, kissing her flushed cheeks. “Of course, he will always be a part of you, Mac. I wouldn’t expect it to be any other way. He’s Harp and Finn’s father. I love them and I’ll take care of them as if I am their father, but I know that I’m not. It’ll be different for the twins.” I add to lighten the mood, her eyes widen and the wrinkle on her forehead appears. “You mentioned Harper wanted twin sisters.”
She gasps, shaking her head.
“We’ll talk about that later, don’t worry,” I offer, smoothing her forehead and nibbling on her chin. Reaching for her seatbelt, I help settle her in the car and we leave for the next destination. Finding a place to bury Leo’s ashes. Steven’s will have to wait until I find a place to call home.
A month ago, I went to pick up Steven’s letter. It wasn’t much what he had written, but it means a lot that he wished me happiness. I wish him peace; I hope he found it once he made it to his final destination, wherever it might be. Maybe with my mother and my siblings. I don’t know much about the afterlife, but I want to believe that our loved ones can listen to us. That every night when I say goodnight to James, he’s listening and wishing me a goodnight too. That mom has been caring for him since the moment he made it to heaven and that maybe he’s with our family.
As I drive along I-5, I take Mac’s hand, kissing it a couple of times. She’s been battling a load of grief for the past three years. I want to promise her many things, but for today, I will be by her side, being the emotional support she needs to finish this journey.
I read Steven’s letter, and even when Porter and I agreed to follow his request, where we’ll do it is yet to be decided. It became part of the “to be discussed” list. The list includes our future and when we’re telling the kids that we’re together. The decisions we made yesterday included our residence in Seattle is permanent. The kids have taken so well to the city and they love being a part of a big family. I’m going back to school and will continue working at the Academy. Porter, well, he wants to continue doing what he’s doing. Teaching music, producing music and writing it.
The most important decision that we made was about Leo’s ashes. For Harper and Finn’s sake, we found a place to deposit them here in Seattle. The same place where Pria’s parents were buried a few years back. As we already had a funeral for Leo, we decided that today it was only Porter and I. The kids remain in California with Gabe and Chris. They won’t be back until tomorrow. I notified Virginia and extended an invitation to join us. Porter offered to pay for her plane ticket, but she chose not to be present. Maybe in a few weeks she’ll come by to visit her grandchildren and Leo.
Doing this alone is fitting. Well, not alone. Porter is next to me, supporting me. The same way he has done since the moment we met. Today I’m finally letting go of a part of Leo that I had been holding onto for too long. The anger that he left me, along with the wanting to join him and stop living. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, however long that is. Lucky me, I have two beautiful children by my side and a man who loves me and has been patient with me since the day he met me.
I kiss my fingers, touching the temporary stone. “I’m ready,” I whisper. “Thank you for everything, for every moment, every smile, and every second you shared with me.”
Being prepared doesn’t make this any easier, or less painful. Tears stream down my cheeks, as I’m closing the chapter. Porter hugs me tightly, taking away the pain. His arms always soothe the hurt, replacing it with love. I think that’s what I love most about him. Porter Kendrick makes me feel safe, and when he’s close, I’m strong enough to face the world. Because I know that if I fall, he’ll be there to soothe me and help me get back up again.
We had lunch at the bistro around the corner from Decker’s Records. Afterward, we went to the studio where Porter played the song he recorded a couple of days ago. Matthew and Jacob are trying to convince him to do a concert. It’d be at Thrice and the tickets will be sold at an outrageous price. The ticket and alcohol sales for that function will benefit the foundation.
“Why wouldn’t you do it?”
“Are you sure you want to hear this?” I nod.
“I wanted to be famous because I thought it’d be the only way to care for AJ when we grew up.” I raise an eyebrow and signal for him to elaborate. He lets out a loud breath, running a hand through his hair. “She was the first person who loved me and I believed that it was my destiny to care for her. But once I was living the life of a rock star, I wanted to go back to my family. Instead of agreeing
with Chris and Gabe, that I wasn’t ready for showbiz, that I should’ve waited, I pushed myself to continue with my career. Then I discovered women, drugs, and alcohol. All of them helped me forget the shit I hated. I didn’t have to deal with any emotions. Each time I wanted more, needed more. Looking back, I think I never enjoyed the spotlight.”
“How about now?” I ask, walking closer to him, caressing his jaw. “You’re sober and most importantly, you’re a great musician.”
“Music is a part of me, of who I am. It doesn’t mean that I have to be up on a stage for everyone to enjoy what I create. I can share it in ways that I’m comfortable with,” he explains with a soft voice that makes my heart skip a beat. He takes my hands, his eyes smiling at me, letting another loud breath. “Alcoholism and drug addiction are illnesses that have to be treated for life. I’ve learned to control the urge, to reach out for help when my brain is craving shit. I fight the need every day. For me and for my family. Until I feel that I’m emotionally ready to step onto a stage, I won’t do it.”
“I understand now. Thank you, for sharing.” I hug him tightly, stretching my neck, meeting his lips. I can’t find the words to express how much it means that he keeps sharing himself with me.
He releases me, kissing my nose. “Enough about me. It’s time to take you home, we have a date tonight.”
It’s been years since the last time I went out on a date. Porter didn’t give me a hint about his plans. For a change, I went to the mall and bought a couple of new things to wear. A flowery top that hugs my torso to go with my black, short skirt, and a pair of black heeled booties. When I looked in the mirror, it said, fun and sexy. A change from the everyday jeans and tops I wear to work. Dinner was at his place. A candlelight dinner for the two of us. He prepared shrimp scampi with pasta. Chocolate cake for dessert.
Undefeated (Unexpected Book 5) Page 22
