Scars of my Past

by DC Renee

  “At first, it was just you. You hunched over, a guttural cry of pain escaped your lips as you wrapped your arms around yourself. I was paralyzed in place by shock. And then I saw him.” My voice broke, my tears came back. I couldn’t be strong anymore. I couldn’t keep up the pretense this hadn’t affected me. “I didn’t know who he was, whether he was your dad or someone else, but it wasn’t right. I knew that much,” I tried to continue. “Oh God, Cam …” I trailed off and brought my hand to my mouth to cover up the sobs escaping my mouth. “When he grabbed you, you tried to push him off. He hit you. He hit you hard, and then he hit you again and again. You didn’t defend yourself,” I cried, remembering that day, remembering the shock of it all and how sorry I’d felt for him then. “And when I looked at your face, you looked like you weren’t even there, like you’d gone to a different place, hidden deep inside yourself … Maybe you were dead inside.” I’d come to that realization just then, and it hurt more than I could ever imagine. “He pushed you then, bent you over, and I knew exactly what would happen next ... you … he … he was going to violate you.” I said the words I knew he’d needed to say but couldn’t; the words he’d needed to voice so he could close that door in his life but was unable to do so; the words he thought he’d needed to share with me so I’d understand but were too hard to say out loud, but I already had understood. So I said them for him no matter how painful they were to utter. “Cam, I’m so sorry,” I told him through my tears. “I’m so very sorry you went through that. I … you didn’t deserve that. No one does.”

  “Gen,” he said with whatever strength he had left, but I shook my head. I needed to finish telling him everything. No matter how painful it was for me to continue, he deserved to know it all. “I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I couldn’t let it happen,” I told him earnestly. “I pulled out my phone and called the cops, telling them to hurry. I begged them to speed, but I knew they still needed time. I looked around the entire backyard, trying to figure out a way to distract him and buy you some time.” I said it all so quickly, trying to get the words out before I choked on them. “I found a branch and threw it at the wall by the window and ran as fast as I could through the gate and across the street. I was hoping a commotion would make him stop. I was hoping … I don’t even know if it worked … I was too scared to stay and make sure …” I said in a quiet voice, ashamed that I had run. “I waited for the cops to arrive. I watched them take you away. You looked like you were unconscious.”

  Cam looked like he was in a state of shock, listening to my words, hearing the truth pouring out of me, but I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t stop.

  “I was worried about you. I hated you and blamed you for ruining my life, but even then, no one should go through what you did. I just needed to make sure you were okay, and then I would leave. I found out which hospital they took you to. I told them I was your sister so they’d let me in. When I got to your room, you were sedated,” I told him. “You looked so peaceful—no scowl on your lips and no angry creases marring your forehead. I hadn’t ever seen you like that up close. It was almost easy to forget what you’d done to me and what I’d just witnessed. It was at that moment that I realized I could move forward with my life. I remember the exact words I whispered to you then. I told you, ‘I don’t forgive you for what you did to me, but I understand why you did it. So now I can move on.’” I repeated the words I’d said to him. He couldn’t hear me then, but I’d meant them. I was able to truly start healing after that, but it hadn’t excused his behavior toward me. I felt sorry for him, but I also felt like a boy abused so incredibly should have understood what it felt like to inflict pain on others, yet that hadn’t stopped him. So, no, I hadn’t forgiven him, but I understood him a little better. “And I really was able to move on after that,” I told him, hoping he’d hear the good that came from all that. “I went back to therapy and started letting them do their magic. I made a few friends, and one of them helped me change the way I looked so I’d feel better about myself. She taught me how to do makeup and helped me dress more stylishly. Added with the natural changes my body went through, I looked like a new person. And that made me feel like a new person. So I got better,” I told him.

  “My angel,” he whispered softly. “I thought I’d dreamed that,” he admitted, his voice just loud enough for me to hear. “You saved me,” he said with such reverence I actually blushed. “You saved me,” he repeated. “Charles went to jail,” he told me. “He went to jail because of you. I changed my name to Cameron because I didn’t want to be reminded of who I was then. I went back to Dents because I didn’t want Charles to have any piece of me. I became a new person too,” he said much more sadly than I had. “Because of you …” He trailed off.

  “Cam.” I said his name, but I wasn’t sure what words were to follow.

  “You don’t forgive me,” he said quietly, repeating my words. “You don’t forgive me,” he said again, his voice gruff. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you.” He was practically mumbling, his voice getting more and more distant like I was losing him. “Fuck, Gen, I’m so sorry. You’re so pure, so fucking unbelievable … and I’m … I’m really just a piece of shit loser who hurt the only person I ever truly cared about. I broke the girl who repaired me. I’m so sorry,” he repeated. He was no longer here with me. He stood and said once more, “I’m so sorry, but I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me,” before walking out the door.

  I was too stunned to follow at first, too stunned by the entire conversation, by the twist the night had taken, by both of our admissions, and certainly by him walking out. I sat there, unmoving, for what seemed like minutes, trying to figure everything out. It was too much; it had all been too much. The emotions were clawing at my skin, trying to break through, vying for my attention. The only emotion that remained constant, though, was love. All-encompassing love for a man who thought he didn’t deserve me. And maybe he didn’t, but that didn’t stop me from loving him. So I ran. I ran after Cam because I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.

  CHAPTER SEVENTY-SIX

  Present

  Cameron

  I DIDN’T KNOW how I reached my car because I no longer had a beating heart. I’d left it lying in tattered pieces by Gen’s feet. My God. She’d been everything I ever needed and more, saving me from my own wretched existence without my knowledge. And how did I repay her? By hurting her over and over again.

  I don’t forgive you for what you did. Her words haunted me from the minute she’d uttered them. In all my life, through all the abuse Charles put me through—emotional, mental, and physical—nothing hurt like knowing Gen hadn’t forgiven me. And I knew most likely she never would. She was right not to, but it didn’t stop me from crumpling right before her eyes.

  I fled before she could tell me to leave. Like a coward, I didn’t even give her the last word. But I didn’t have time to; the tears were threatening to break free and fall down my face. I’d stayed stone-faced for all my life. My mother didn’t even get my tears, and the thought of losing Gen forever had pushed me over the edge. She deserved every tear. She deserved the absolute agony I was going through at that moment. She deserved everything I was feeling, but I was too much of a coward to give them to her. I couldn’t face her. I could only hope that one day, maybe in the distant future, she’d forgive me. And I knew that was a far cry from reality. The first tear broke free at that moment, but I held back the rest as I tried desperately to open my car door.

  My fingers were shaking to the rhythm of my trembling body. My eyes were blurry with unshed tears, filling my vision with a haze. I tried so desperately to get in my car, to escape, but it was a lost cause. I gave up—just like I clearly did in life—and put my hands on my car as I hung my head in shame.

  I breathed in and out heavily, trying to will my body to respond and calm myself down. It was no use. I was just as broken as I always thought I was. The only time I’d felt whole was w
ith Gen. I didn’t know how long I stood there before I gasped.

  For a moment, I thought my mind had gone crazy, and my imagination was giving me what I wanted. But then I felt the heat from her arms as she wrapped them around me, her body pressing into mine, and I turned so sharply that she gasped herself, but her arms didn’t leave my body.

  “Gen.” I said her name softly, knowing this was goodbye but hoping it wasn’t.

  She studied me for a moment as if trying to read my expression. She could study me all she wanted. I would gladly stay like that for eternity if it meant not letting her go.

  “I love you, Tyler,” she said so clearly, her voice steady and her eyes burning into mine. And just as I’d done to her, she’d done to me—she broke me. I no longer felt the sting of tears unshed. They were pouring down my face freely as I fought to find the words and determine what the hell was going on. “I love you, Tyler,” she repeated before moving her arms up so her hands framed my face. “And I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago. I just didn’t know it.”

  I grabbed her and held her tight as my sobs tore through the evening. She held me right back, bringing my head into the crook of her neck as she stroked my back gently with her fingers. “It’s okay to cry,” she told me when I tried to pull away. “Let it out. Cry for what you lost, for the childhood you didn’t have, for the boy too young to protect himself, for the man who was still that boy, for your mother. Cry for it all, Tyler. I’ll take your tears because I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here.”

  And so I did. We stayed like that in the parking lot of her apartment for a good long while as the dam finally broke, and I let all my emotions out.

  “I don’t deserve you,” I finally whispered when I had no more tears to cry.

  “It’s okay,” she said with a tentative smile. “You have an entire lifetime to make sure you do.”

  You couldn’t possibly know the feeling of euphoria until you’ve heard the woman you love absolve you of all your sins. Minutes before, I’d been a shell of a person. And now, I felt like I could fly to the heavens, visit my parents, and tell them about the girl who saved me. The girl I was madly in love with was the girl who changed my entire life even after I’d destroyed hers.

  “I love you, Gen,” I told her even though those simple words weren’t enough to describe how I felt. She was embedded in me now, a part of my very core. If she ever thought she might have an out, she would have to think twice. I’d gotten not only a second chance, but also my third chance with her, and I knew how rare second chances were; there was no way I was letting her go after this.

  “I love you too, Tam,” she responded with a smirk.

  “Tam?” I asked curiously.

  “Amanda made it up. Tyler and Cam made Tam,” she said with a shrug.

  I hadn’t laughed in what seemed like decades, but I felt the laughter bubble out of me. “But I’m Cam now. I legally changed my name after Charles went to prison,” I pointed out.

  “No, you’re the sum of two people. The man you are today and the boy who survived to grow into that man. You can’t be you without who you were. And I love both of you. But I love Cam just a little more,” she said with a wink.

  I chuckled again before telling her, “You know, I used to think I’d been sent a guardian angel to save me that night. Then I thought she’d watched over me again when I met you. Little did I know you were that angel.”

  “I’m just a girl.”

  “You’re much more than that, and I intend to spend the rest of my life proving that to you.” And I’d enjoy every damn minute.

  CHAPTER SEVENTY-SEVEN

  Future

  Genevieve

  One year later …

  “I DON’T KNOW what to do,” I told Amanda as I clutched my necklace like maybe it held some magic. After what Cam and I deemed the “true” start of our relationship in the parking lot of my apartment that day, we went back inside. Once there, I had a very important piece of business to attend to before anything else.

  “I believe you have something of mine,” I said as soon as we were inside.

  The mischievous smile on his face had me realizing he knew exactly what I was talking about, but still, he said, “And what would that be? I’m already yours. My heart belongs to you. What more could there be?”

  I kissed him quickly before pulling back. “I think I might have accidentally left my necklace at your place. And it’s very important to me, so I’d like it back.”

  “Accidentally, huh? Well, if you’re so careless with your belongings, I’d hate to see how you treat me,” he teased as he reached into his pocket. “You don’t mean this necklace, do you?” he asked with a smirk.

  “Yep, that’s the one.”

  “I think you might have to earn it back.”

  “Put it back on me, and I’ll make sure it never comes off,” I said with more seriousness than the past few minutes had afforded. He took a moment to let my words sink in before delicately placing the necklace on me as if he was afraid it might be too good to be true. When it was secure, I touched it, rubbing it to make it truly mine. “It’s never coming off,” I echoed my own words. It was a promise. One I intended to keep, and he knew it. He pulled me to him and kissed me with as much passion as one could imagine and then some.

  I hadn’t taken it off since. Cam smiled every time he saw me grasp it; as if through that simple gesture, he knew I would not leave him. As if I’d ever walk away from him. We’d been through so much and made it out on the other side with smiles on our faces and love in our hearts.

  “It’s really not that big of a deal,” Amanda told me, bringing my attention back to the issue at hand. “Just do it another day.”

  “But it’s not the same,” I whined. “I wanted to give him,” and me, “some great memories from that time.”

  “Do you really think it matters what day you do what on?” she asked.

  “Yes!” I cried out a little too loudly, and a few people around us turned to look. “It’s our one year anniversary. I wanted to spend the day where it all started but make it better.”

  “I’m pretty sure spending the day with you is all that he cares about. And taking him back home with you and your smiling face is more than enough.”

  You could say Cam and I had been together for more than a year. You could say it was when we started skirting around each other or when we started dating without each of us knowing the entire truth. You might even make a case we were destined since high school. But none of that would be true. We’d been lying to each other and to ourselves then. Whatever feelings we had before the night we’d made up were genuine, but they weren’t without strings. The night we laid everything out on the line and still came together as one was the real start of anything serious between us. And the one year anniversary of that day was fast approaching at just a week away.

  I had wanted to do something special for him because no matter what, he still had some lingering doubts about our past, and more importantly, he had issues with his own past. I came up with the bright idea of taking him back East to make some good memories for him instead. I had grand visions of walking through the halls of our high school arm in arm to dispel the memories of torment we both had. I would get a couple of guys to play football with him while I cheered him on in the stands. I would rent out the gym and throw a prom-like event—that would definitely be for both of us. I had a few more ideas I was still figuring out, but it wasn’t like I could do that in the middle of the week. And the ironically best part was that our anniversary fell on the weekend. I had a jam-packed day planned for us with a ton of help from Amanda, my parents, and even some of Cam’s friends too, although they didn’t know the full extent of our past. But the only thing ruining my plans was that the gym wasn’t available. Some charity was doing an event there that night.

  “Seriously, Gen, you’re there all week. Just do it the following weekend. Or better yet, just skip that part. The rest is more than enough.”