by Leah Banicki
"Well I guess a murder mystery has to have someone die and I read every book you write. I will feel so guilty reading this book until the killer is caught." I said as I was cutting up a piece of prime rib, ready to enjoy it.
The flavor overtook me as it melted in my mouth. I thought I might have groaned out loud.
"Okay, that is the best prime rib I have ever tasted. How often do you make this? I am flying back every time." I took another bite and was slightly mortified when I groaned again. It was too good.
"You keep complimenting me, while looking that beautiful and I will make it every week for you." He said it to be funny but something in his eyes looked a little more serious than he meant to be.
I smiled at him to thank him, and kept eating. His garlic mashed potatoes were the perfect compliment to the prime rib so I was quiet a few minutes while we enjoyed our food.
Something about Jackson tonight scared me a little; maybe scare was the wrong word. He had intensity about him. He was doing everything for me, with no expectations. It was a little unsettling, knowing he cared about me like that. For some reason I wanted to put him in the friend category and my heart was telling me something else. Right now I needed to keep a cool head and get back to living normally. This was too much to think about. I couldn’t have two guys bumping away in my heart. It was bruised enough already.
After we each finished our first serving he carved a bit more. I nodded and handed my empty plate over and he gave me a few more pieces to enjoy before I felt the need to explode.
"So are your parents all packed for Hawaii?" Jackson asked.
"Actually no, my dad has been working at the office like a fiend this week and my mother is horrible at packing. She forgot to pack our underwear one year for a family vacation. After a few days we had to find a store near Disneyworld because we couldn’t stand it anymore." I shared.
Jackson nearly choked, he tried not to inhale his prime rib while gasping. I enjoyed seeing him laugh at one of my jokes.
"I am glad I can make you laugh, Zee, you amuse me all the time, I guess it was my turn. I guess I had to resort to bathroom humor at the table. Slightly bad form on my account, I do apologize." I grabbed my napkin and used it for a fake bow before actually using it for its intended purpose. I plopped it on the plate afterward. "I am done – full. That was a fantastic meal, Zee. I cannot say when I have enjoyed a meal more than that."
I leaned over to kiss his cheek. I was slightly shocked when he actually blushed a bit. I was torn between teasing him and letting it go. I dropped it and looked away.
"I am done too, Hannah, let’s leave the dishes here and go sit by the fireplace."
I agreed and found my seat on a comfy couch, I suddenly felt overwhelmed. I was starting to have feelings about Jackson.
Just the beginnings of a crush, I was certain of it. I had absolutely no intentions of doing anything about it but, wow, at this moment, I couldn’t think of anywhere else I would rather be.
"I can already hear your complaints about my gift but I warn you. It is a thank you gift and you cannot turn it down." Jackson sat next to me, a long thin box was in his hands.
I took the box and gave him a look. "What did you do?"
"Just open in Hannah, it won’t bite too hard." His eyes were eager.
I unwrapped and saw the velvet box. I wanted to see but dreaded it at the same time. I hoped he didn’t do too much, I didn’t know if my heart could handle it.
The box opened and a stunning gold bracelet with delicate carved edges and at least five emeralds were stacked along the length of it. I gasped, it was stunning.
"I hope you like it, I guess I got carried away but I remembered how beautiful you looked in that emerald green dress in Scotland. I knew this would look beautiful on you." Jackson was talking fast, a sure sign that he was nervous.
"I love it Zee." I didn’t know what to do. I spent an awkward moment deciding whether to hug him or to kiss him on the cheek then before I knew it, I leaned forward and kissed him on the mouth! It only took a second for the kiss to go from mild to something a little deeper. Jackson kissed me back for a few more seconds before I pulled away. I felt like a fool and could feel tears falling already. All I could think about was how stupid I was, and Anthony and Jackson both being hurt by my one stupid move.
"I don't know why I did that, I am sorry Jackson." I said pathetically. His face was so understanding and his hands were on my shoulders to comfort me, it was just too much. Too many feelings...
"I know, I know, Hannah. I can see you were just confused. It can be forgotten okay." He said with a half smile that broke my heart. It was a lie and we both knew it. I knew how he felt about me by that brief moment when he kissed me, like he had been waiting for that moment for a long time.
"Jackson, you are..." I waited, trying not to cry anymore. I gulped in a breath.
"Foolish?" He said softly, all joking gone from his eyes.
"Amazing. I am not ready yet. Next time I see you. I plan on finishing this talk." I felt proud that I was able to put into words how I felt.
"I think that's fair." He said simply, his heart on his sleeve, all six foot seven of him asked for mercy.
I had no choice but to give him the hug I should have given him earlier. I held on to him for far longer than I should have, just enjoying how well I fit there.
A few minutes later, after I freshened up and cleared away any signs from my face of my little “episode,” we settled on the couch again. He brought out two coffees and we watched the fire and kept our conversation light for a bit. It was comfortable and sweet. Somehow I felt peaceful after the stormy emotional moment.
We sipped coffee and laughed and all drama was set aside.
As the thank you dinner ended, I felt Jackson wanted to say something so I urged him to just spit it out.
"Okay, since we are getting all of our sharing done in one evening, I just want to say as a friend, that I am devastated you are leaving. But I hope to entice you back this summer. New York is too far. Otherwise I will have to call my manager and figure out some kind of New York book tour for the month of August, just so I can force you to laugh at my jokes in person." Jackson was holding my hand. It felt good there.
"I think I can arrange to come back for a visit. I will probably come running back sooner than you think, if the paparazzi won’t leave me alone in New York." I laughed nervously.
"I promise to check Facebook and email religiously. I don’t want to be forgotten. I will see you soon, okay?" I gave him one more eye-to-eye look before I went out the door.
"Be safe, Hannah." He said.
"You too, Zee."
As he walked me silently to my car I was not really breathing. His eyes saying things I wasn’t ready to see. I was out of words. I waved lamely and got into my car wordlessly. My heart felt like it was being ripped out. * * * * *
Everything I wasn't taking to Alaska was already shipped off to New York. I had no reason to come back after my Alaska job. My parents were going to be gone and Chrissy and I were still very uncomfortable around each other. I was leaving, except for a visit, this was no longer my home.
Argh.... The gravel crunching under my high heels felt appropriately uncomfortable. I hated everything about this moment.
I glanced back and saw Jackson standing at the door, Bailey at his feet. The candle glow of the bliss house was telling me over and over to turn back.
I have got work to do, then living. I just needed to figure out how to survive the drive tonight first. * * * * *
The Chicago’s O’Hare airport was crowded at eight a.m. the next morning. I arm-wrestled all my bags and gear, battling through the lines and the luggage handler machines, and then the fun undress-yourself-before-themetal-detector game. I was trying hard not to be too grumpy, I was excited about Alaska, but had a heavy heart today. I shared a tearful goodbye with my mom and dad this morning, and received a devastating ‘I'm sorry’ letter on my pillow from Chrissy last night and spent hal
f the night talking with Chrissy after I read it. I was an emotional wreck. What I needed was a long nap and a box of tissue.
I waited in line with my carryon. I said a prayer, hoping all of my luggage would go to the right place at the right time, dreading the delays that happened when luggage got lost. I would be so tempted to drop everything if that happened.
I boarded the plane with plenty of time to get everything situated before take-off. I got comfy in my window seat and mindlessly watched the airport business going on outside my window. I heard a ding from my pocket and realized my cell phone was still turned on.
I had a text ...
‘It’s official, someone has killed a Sunday school teacher in my next book,’
I couldn't help but giggle at Jackson’s strange sense of humor.
I texted back, ‘I miss you too.’
Somehow, I felt a little bit better.
Chapter 21
Alaska
My boots crunched noisily in the snow as I made my way up the big hill toward my secluded cabin rental. I had stayed here before. The day had been plentiful with great views and clear skies. My hiking had been vigorous and my mind was alive and clear. I caught a few amazing pictures for my client and a few for myself, as well. My gear was stowed in my backpack and it was heavy, but I was in good enough shape to push through the minor muscle pain. This was why I loved my job, the fresh air, the exercise and the ability to lose myself in the wilderness for a while.
Alaska was truly one of the most amazing and beautiful places on earth. The benefit of everyone speaking English in town made things easier too.
The snow was nearly a foot deep on the hill, there had been a thaw recently and the snow came again. The spring came later here than in Indiana.
Tomorrow I had plans to travel into town. I had access to a snowmobile a mile down the mountain and would go to town and then head south to a new location for a few days.
In the quiet moments of the day I had a lot of time to think about Anthony. How unrealistic our relationship had been. Never in real life did you live that way, dating so many people at once, with exotic dates that never could measure up to reality. Dinner and movie dates seemed so blasé after a date in the Bahamas. Every place they had been was like a ‘honeymoon’ location. How in the world do you go back home and live out the everyday after that? I would have been interested in knowing, but it was not meant to be.
Anthony might have had feelings for me but not enough to keep temptation at bay. I would be okay. I decided in a lonely moment on the mountain. The crisp air swirled around me and I snapped a few landscape shots as dusk began to fall. The temperature was dropping fast and I headed back up the hill toward my hideaway.
My thoughts in Alaska had been consumed with saying goodbye to my relationship with Anthony. When had I last checked Facebook to see if Jackson had tried to chat with me?
I could hook up my laptop satellite dish out the window but the air was cold and once I was warm in the cabin with a hot cup of tea, I didn’t want to get cold again. The thought of seeing a chat from him seemed nice. I grabbed a sweater and leaned over to the window by the small table in the kitchen. I glanced out the window and saw a clear night sky. I threw the window open and propped the folding satellite dish on the small ledge perfect for just that purpose. I used it a few days ago to send a few pictures to the client to keep them happy. They were paying me well and I wanted them to see my progress. Sometimes that gave them ideas for new pictures.
Today’s online adventure was purely to catch up with my friends and family. I tried to remind myself to not be disappointed if no one sent me a message, but within a minute of closing the window and opening my laptop a ding announced that I had new messages.
Happy thought indeed.
* * * * *
I saw that I had an email from Ruby and I opened that one first.
My dear girl Hannah,
Well I have survived not seeing you for the first week but thinking up a millions reasons to get you back to Michigan, or at least your parents’ place. Been writing ideas down and finally came up with one you cannot refuse.
I know you have your roommate’s wedding the last weekend of June. Afterwards you mentioned that you hated that you were going spend the time alone in the apartment in New York when she leaves. So my plan is for you to be officially invited to our Fourth of July celebration. We stay ten days every summer at Jackson’s lodge. The kids invite a friend or two and camp out in tents some of those nights. We do fireworks over the lake, campfires, go on excursions and adventures, and generally enjoy the Michigan summer to the fullest. I want to express to you that it would be an honor for us to share our summer vacation with you. You cannot say no, unless of course, you have job that requires you to be away on a national holiday. Then I would only cry through a portion of it.
Anyway, please don't feel over pressured by my guilt trip, but also know we would adore having you. You will have your own bedroom and we can even provide a tent if you want to join the kids in their outdoor adventures. They love you and would love to see you more often. Needless to say, Jackson is praying that you will agree to come.
I hope you are being careful in the Alaskan wilderness. I cannot wait to see the photography you come home with. You are so brilliantly talented. I feel honored to have met you.
Sincerely,
Ruby Pearson
I went immediately to my calendar on my iPhone and checked the dates, but I already knew that I had that week free. After Allison's wedding I was dreading my empty apartment. It would be even more difficult when they came back. They were searching for their own place, but I assured them that we could all share the apartment because I was away so much. My heart was more and more against moving back to New York. I had this feeling that New York was no longer home for me. But where was home?
I opened my email to reply an affirmative to Ruby's request but I paused. I heard the wind outside my cabin window and saw a few snowflakes blowing around. The fire in the hearth was crackling away and the moment seemed right to just lay open my heart.
I stared at the blank email screen and new words poured out of me to my new friend. “Dear Ruby,” I typed and then kept going. I shared all my fear and doubts about moving back to New York, about the upcoming wedding of my roommate. How strangely angry I felt that I went on a TV-show to find love and my roommate found it by accident. I explained how guilty I felt for letting my friendship slide with Allison, when I was just plain jealous. Allison had the right to be in love, there was no reason for me to be so jealous and angry but I was.
Just the mere thought of moving back to the big city made me want to panic and cry. I had no other place to call ‘home’ anymore. I could not trespass on my parents anymore. It just felt wrong to bring the all the drama into their house. I needed to find peace somewhere. So far, the most peace I had found was on Stone Lake.
I stop typing and re-read the last line.
" So far, the most peace I had found was on Stone Lake.”
In my head a small bell went ‘ding, ding, ding!’ I felt a flutter in my heart at the thought. Ruby had rental
properties on the lake, little bungalows near the water. One or two bedrooms would be perfect. My fingers flew across the keys as I finished the email, asking if she had any vacancies. I could bless so many people in one swift email. Allison and her new husband could keep the apartment and I could be closer to my parents without being in their business. I felt elated for the first time in a week. This was such an inspired thought. I knew this was the right decision. No questioning, no doubts.
I would return to New York to get my life packed up and move, and my new friendships in Michigan did not have to end.
I closed my laptop and stared at the fire awhile, drinking a mug of hot cocoa and planning the future, actually feeling happier than I had in way too long.
Feeling peaceful, I said a prayer of thanks for the inspiration. There had been so much noise in my head for so long, that it
felt good to be calm.
I could not wait to hear a reply from Ruby. Praying she still had something available. * * * * *
The night went by slowly as I was thinking. I listened to the wind blowing around and checked the weather reports. It looked like tomorrow I would stay in and save my excursion, to the nearby river for the next day. Temperature was supposed to drop and the snow might fly a foot or two.
My friend Blake Bosner sent a weather report to me on my iphone email. With the satellite dish I could get a little wifi on my phone. I had a special email just for this occasion. No need to get a hundred emails a day when in the wilderness, just the facts ma’am. My mom always worried about me, but I was surrounded by a safety net. If I didn’t respond to Joe's email within 10 hours he would send help. He had his ways to get in and out in a short amount of time.
So tomorrow looked like a lonely day in the cabin. I would do some work on my laptop as long as the power stayed on. I had a generator available for an emergency but that was a pain. It was loud, obnoxious and old. It's a bit of a beast but it was reliable.
I jumped back on my computer and checked my Facebook. My internet wasn’t very fast with the cloud cover rolling in but I heard my email ding again after few minutes.
It was Ruby! I smiled in the empty room.
Hannah!! I do have a vacancy. It is a two bedroom right on the water. There is a dock and I can even throw in a little motor boat. The rent is in your price range and I am thrilled. I will send a picture tomorrow. I cannot say how excited I was. I won't tell Jackson, I will give you the honors. I know your mom will be delighted. She told me how much she has enjoyed having you near. She knows that you are too independent to move back in with them, so this will be perfect!! I am so excited, I did a happy dance in my living room when I read you email. I do appreciate you sharing your heart with me. I know it took a lot to share what you did. Anything you share with me, stays with me.
I feel like God set us up to be friends. I just know you being nearby will bless you too. I promise to help you move in and teach you how to use the motorboat.
