Long Road Home

by Marie Meyer

  With the same unhurried motion I used to take off her shorts, I slip her panties off, giving me access to all her glorious wet folds. Skimming my finger over her, I glory in watching her shudder at my touch.

  Her legs quiver. I slide my finger inside her. “Cayd—uhhh…” My name, giftwrapped in her groans, is the sexiest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

  “What, baby?” I circle my thumb over her clit and slide another finger deep inside. Working her, watching the way her eyes flutter. I love the way she presses her head into the pillows as she writhes on my hand, taking everything I’m giving her. Her hands grope the bedsheets, kneading. Open. Closed. Open. Closed. “Tell me what you want, Ren,” I breath, gliding my fingers in and out.

  “I want…” she pants. “Ohmygod!” Her hips buck against my hand. “Cayden! Yes! Harder!” She moves faster. I move faster, harder, giving her exactly what she wants.

  She is so goddamn beautiful. More than beautiful.

  “Come for me, baby.” Her muscles clench around my fingers. “That’s it.”

  “Cayden!” she screams. I fucking love when she screams my name!

  Her body slows, coming down off the high. Opening her eyes, she looks at me, a giddy, satiated grin on her face. “Damn, you’ve got some magic fingers,” she breathes. “But, I’m greedy tonight, I want more.”

  “Ren Daniels, you are some kind of perfect.”

  She pulls her body up and kicks her leg over my chest, straddling me. “You’re in control, sweetheart. Always,” I remind her, never want her to forget. My body is hers.

  Leaning down, she kisses me, insistent, taking what she wants.

  Her ass fills my palms, and I work them upward, breaking us apart as I peel her tank top off. She sits up and I follow her, tearing off my shirt in the process. The gentle, steady rocking of her hips quiets as she notices the plastic wrap and tape on my chest, covering my new tattoo.

  “What’s this?” She runs her fingers over the series of numbers inked right over my heart.

  I glance down. I’ve wanted to show her all night. I’ve been waiting for this moment, for her to unwrap it like a gift. “It’s for you,” I say, looking up at her.

  “For me?” Confusion pulls her eyebrows close. “I don’t understand?”

  Running a hand over the plastic, I stretch it out. “It’s coordinates. The coordinates of the place we first kissed. When I knew you would be the last woman I ever kissed.”

  Her eyes search mine. “Cayden,” she mutters. Slowly, she leans in and puts a gentle kiss just above the tape, then sweetly, she closes her lips over mine.

  Soft and languid, she fills my mouth, our tongues stroking, caressing. Ren moves her hand between us and lifts slightly, placing me at her opening.

  I tear my mouth from hers. “Ren, what are you doing?”

  Her eyes locked on me, she lowers her body at a slow, excruciatingly blissful pace, until I fill her completely.

  Nothing between us.

  Enclosing her in my strong arms, I stare, transfixed. “Ren?” I need to know what’s going on inside her pretty little head. I don’t want to hurt her, or scare her.

  She places her palms on my cheeks, holding my face in her hands. “I love you, Cayden,” she says quietly. “I love you so much.” Circling her arms around my neck, she kisses me, pulling us closer and closer, like she wants nothing more in the world than to fuse our bodies together.

  I’m drunk on her, needing to pour my body and soul into every part of her. My heart screams in my ears. At this angle, I’m at her mercy, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  Slowly, her hips begin to move and our mouths duplicating the rhythm. My fingers at her back, and I flip the hooks of her bra, sliding it down her arms. Pulling it out from between us, I toss it to the floor.

  Now we’re one. One body. One flesh. The same. Connected. Anchored. Found.

  Ren wraps her legs around my waist, locking her ankles, and we move in concert. Where she crashes down, I meet her coming up. But, the urge to thrust builds each time we come together; I need her to have all of me.

  Leaning back, I brace my hand behind me, changing the leverage just enough that I’m able to raise my hips, and push deeper inside.

  “Oh, Cayden,” she moans, her tongue caressing the tip of mine.

  Dear. Fucking. God. My head drops to her shoulder. This should not feel this amazing.

  I thrust again.

  She’s so…so…perfect.

  Again. Again. I rock into her, hard.

  “Cayden,” she whispers.

  “What, baby?”

  Giving her all of me, I push again as she clenches around my dick. “Ahh!” she stifles a cry, biting down on my shoulder.

  “Come. For. Me. Ren.” Holding her with one hand and bouncing us with my other, my words match our rhythm as I pound into her.

  “Ohhh…uhhh! Cayden!” Smothering her words into the crook of my neck, she rides out her pleasure on me, and I follow right behind, spilling into her.

  “Rennnnnn….” I drag her name out, my hips still pumping into her, my release, long and hard, the best fucking orgasm of my life.

  Neither of us moves. Our bodies refusing to give the other up.

  Panting, our shoulders rise and fall in sync. Ren looks up at me and I lean my forehead against hers, spent and so goddamn happy. “Baby, why’d you do it? Why didn’t you wait for me to put a condom on?” I have to know.

  Slipping off my lap, she collapses beside me. I yank the blanket from underneath us and pull it up, sealing our sweaty bodies underneath. Ren curls up at my side, resting her head on my chest. Like she always does, her finger traces lazy paths over the ridges of my abdomen, but this time, she traces around the bandage on my chest.

  “I trust you with my life, Cayden. My body, my soul, every part of me. I wanted to feel us. Just us.”

  Just us. As I absorb her words, the reality of what we just did hits me hard. We had unprotected sex. That was probably a stupid thing to do, but the thought of getting her pregnant doesn’t scare me. To see my child swelling her belly, a baby that I put there, a little human that’s half her and half me…that would be so fucking amazing. I want what Emily and Vin have. My own little family.

  “Are you tired?” I ask, feeling a second wind coming on.

  “A little,” she says, yawning. “Why?”

  “Want to take a drive? I want to get out of here. Take you somewhere.”

  “Where do you want to go? It’s so late.”

  I turn onto my side and catch her eye. “Someplace special.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Ren

  Staring out the passenger window, the landscape blurs to a deep midnight blue. It’s a clear, quiet night. So, so late. Sleep hovers over me. “Where are we going again?” I ask, looking at him. Waves of enthusiasm roll off Cayden and pummel me.

  “You’ll see.” That’s all he’ll tell me; that’s been his answer for the last twenty minutes. He’s like a little kid with a new toy. I watch him drive, eyes on the road, a permanent smile on his face (that I put there, by the way), and singular focus to get us to our mystery destination.

  Knowing I’m not going to get any more information from him, I shift my gaze back to the darkness outside. Entranced by the soft twang from the radio, Cayden’s steady breaths, and the thrum of tires, my eyes flutter closed. I rest my head on the window. The heat left over from the late summer day, still warms the night. It seeps through the glass, warming my cheek.

  Sleep covers me like a blanket, but not all the way.

  In my half lucid state, I’m aware of the truck’s movement…Cayden at my side.

  But soon, the darkness from outside encroaches upon my peaceful nap. My heart races. I can’t see anything; it’s too dark.

  I’m lost.

  I feel something cold. Resentment. Cayden’s.

  I’ve waited too long.

  The truck stops, and I jerk, sitting up straight. “I’m sorr—” I shout, the words d
ying on my lips.

  Cayden kills the engine. “Ren? You okay?” His hand touches my leg, ending the nightmare and bringing me back to real life.

  I rub my tired eyes. “Sorry, I must have fallen asleep.” Glancing around, I don’t recognize my surroundings. “Where are we?”

  “You’ll see.”

  I yawn and stretch my hands above my head, trying to rid myself of the remnants of that dream, and to get my blood flowing so I can wake up. “Okay.”

  “God, Ren,” Cayden says, clapping his hand down on my leg. “I’m sorry. You sure you don’t want me to take you home?”

  I shake my head. “No, I’m good.” I want to be where you are, Cayden.

  “Good.” He smiles, climbing out. Like always, he jogs around the front, coming to my door, and pulling it open for me.

  Proffering his hand, he helps me down. “The place I want to show you isn’t too far.” Pushing his fingers between mine, he leads me toward a copse of trees.

  I stop. More nature? After the run in with our eight-legged friend, I have no desire to do anything outside. “Are we caching?”

  Cayden shakes his head. “No. It’s not even that far a walk. What I want to show you is just beyond that row of trees.”

  “Okay,” I draw out skeptically.

  With a tight clasp on my hand, Cayden and I step into the stand of trees. It’s so dark. I lose all sense of direction. I’m thankful for the flat terrain, though; it’s a lot easier to navigate than when we’d gone caching. And no sooner had we stepped into the trees, we’re out, standing in a large open field.

  Trees circle the field on all sides, like tall sentries guarding the secrets this place holds.

  Cayden leads me to the center of the field and plops down on the dewy grass, spreading his arms wide, and stares up at the sky.

  Hesitantly, I do the same, hoping no critters decide to use me as their personal jungle gym. But, once my eyes travel upward, all thoughts of insects disappear. With no light pollution, the Milky Way is on full display. Stardust is splattered across the sky like a painter slashed a dripping brush across a black canvas, over and over again. This sky is a million times brighter than when we’d gone camping; there, the trees had obscured most of it. The magnificence steals my words, and all I can do is marvel. So much beautifully organized chaos.

  Okay, I can appreciate that this is nature’s way of making up with me after the spider incident.

  Crickets chirp and frogs croak in the distance. A symphony for the stars.

  Cayden is quiet. I’m dying to know where we are, why he was so adamant to come tonight, but I don’t want to sully this place with my voice.

  For a long time, I keep my eyes on to the heavens. Beside me, Cayden is so still I wonder if he’s fallen asleep. Inching my hand to his, I connect us. I love the feel of his long fingers, stretching mine wide. If we were standing, I’d swing them. That simple motion makes me feel like we’re moving forward, together.

  It’s stillness that scares me. If I keep moving, the past…my past won’t catch up to us.

  I drop my cheek to the grass, staring at his profile—the sharp line of his nose and how it softly gives way to his lips, the square set of his jaw, the scar he hates so much—he’s so beautiful. He blinks. Eyes plastered on the heavenly show above. He’s been through so much the last couple months. I’d give anything to repair the holes left in the wake of his parents’ deaths, take away his hurting and sadness, but I don’t have any magic or superpowers. The camping trip and Gabby’s christening, those were good starts to patching his heart. But I know that my secret is just one more piece of shrapnel to puncture him. Another hole to add.

  I keep telling myself it’s not the right time to tell him, that the family he sees with me is just a rose-colored dream. And now that I’ve stupidly thrown out the “L” word, everything is so much more complicated. Reality sucks.

  “Sorry.” His voice resembles distant thunder, a low rumble carried on the wind. “I’ve wanted to bring you here for ages. Tonight seemed perfect.”

  “What is this place?”

  Cayden lifts our hands, kissing the back of mine, before holding them to his chest. “It’s the clearing where my dad brought me after I’d gotten lost in the woods. This is where he showed me how to use a compass, where he snapped the picture you saw on Mom’s wall.”

  That night, I silently asked Cayden to take me with him as he recalled the memory, and not even knowing, he knew I wanted to share this place with him.

  My hand over his heart, its rhythmic thump travels through my skin and into my body…

  Bum bum.

  Bum bum.

  Bum bum.

  Sometimes, if I think about how much Cayden has permeated my existence, I’m scared and excited at the same time. He consumes me so thoroughly. His heart beats in my body, he fills me, he’s in my every thought. I’m not just Ren Daniels anymore, but one half of a greater whole.

  That’s all you’ll ever be, the voice in my head reminds.

  “With Mom and Dad gone, I’ve been thinking a lot about life,” he says, breaking into my reflections…drowning the terrible voice in my head. “Did they get everything they wanted before their time was up? Mom was fifty. That’s twice my life. Have I gotten everything I want? Hell no. What do you want out of life, Ren?” he asks, still gazing up at the sky like it will provide the answers he’s looking for.

  You. Me. Us. Forever. “I’ve got the career I want. I love nursing. And one day, I’d like to get married.”

  Cayden turns his head in my direction, quirking an eyebrow up. “Married, huh?”

  I shrug. “You asked.”

  “I want that, too.” He winks. “And kids. A big family,” he says excitedly. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my parents’ deaths, it’s the importance of family. I’m it. When I die, that’s the end of Frank and Katy Sinclair. But, with a big family, their legacy lives on. It’s not the end, it’s a beginning.”

  A lump rises in my throat. I taste bile. I am so not the girl for him. What kind of cruel joke is this? I love him. I do. I love him. How can I not be his? Isn’t love supposed to be the answer that rights every wrong?

  If you love him, set him free. Give him the chance to have the life he wants.

  The night has turned from dreamy to a nightmarish reality. Dew soaks through my dress, mosquitoes bite at my legs and arms, and the once soft blades of grass stab at my exposed skin.

  It’s time, Ren.

  I pull my hand from his and sit up, hugging my legs to my chest.

  Cayden follows me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “Baby, what’s wrong?” he whispers in my ear.

  How do I murder his dreams after he’s been through so much? I shake my head, desperate to find the words that will deliver the blow in the least painful way. But I already know there aren’t any.

  “Do you remember when I told you about the night of my twenty-first birthday?”

  He rubs my arm, drawing me in a tight embrace. “Of course I do. It kills me that you had to go through that. I wish I had been there to keep you safe.”

  I smile, but it dies on my lips. “When I woke up in that room, I was so scared, Cayden. So upset. I got dressed and left without anyone ever knowing I had been there. I didn’t tell anyone what happened, for a very long time. It ate away at me every day. I struggled to get out of bed. I lost an unhealthy amount of weight. My grades plummeted. And I pushed away everyone who loved me.” Tears roll down my face, reliving the aftermath of that night. “Yes, what happened to me wasn’t my fault. It’s taken years of counseling for me to be able to say that and believe it. But my silence was my fault. I should have never given my attacker that kind of power, the power to shut me up. And by doing so, I lost something far more precious.”

  A sob catches in my throat. The very words I’ve been dreading to say to him.

  “Ren…” My name, kissed by his mouth, probably for the last time.

  “My attacker didn’t wear a condom
that night.” I look at him. “That’s why I always makes sure I have some around.

  “For a few weeks, I worried that I might be pregnant. When my period came, I’d never been happier. I could shove the nightmare into the recesses of my mind and move on. Yeah, right,” I scoff, wiping away my tears.

  “Ren, you don’t have to do this,” Cayden says, hugging me with both arms, shielding me from the faceless monster in my past.

  “I do, Cayden.” I look at him. “There are things you need to know before this…us…we go any farther.”

  The lively chirps of the crickets has died away. The frogs no longer croak. Fall lurks on the breeze, chilling the summer night. Goose bumps prickle my arms, making me shiver.

  “I didn’t get pregnant but I did get chlamydia. Don’t worry,” I say, hoping he doesn’t think I gave him an STI. “I’ve been treated and tested. I’m clean now. I haven’t been with anyone for three years, and I see my doctor regularly. But, in not telling anyone for several weeks after it happened, that gave the bacteria enough time to wreak havoc on my reproductive system. I ended up with PID, pelvic inflammatory disease. My uterus and fallopian tubes are filled with scar tissue. I may never have children.

  “If you want your big family, Cayden, I’m not the woman you should be with.” I lick my lips, tasting hot, salty tears. The bitter taste of shattered dreams.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Cayden

  It’s probably a good thing that Ren doesn’t know her attacker, because I would get in my truck, drive over to his house, and shoot the motherfucker right between the eyes. I don’t condone murder, but in this case, I’d be doing the world a favor.

  Rage and sadness, boil in my veins, but she wouldn’t know. I’m an expert at keeping my emotions locked down. I embrace her, protective mode fully engaged.

  I am so angry that she had to endure all of that by herself. So gutted by the fact that I can’t fix this for her.

  Broken. Disappointed.

  Earlier, when we made love…I’ll never see Ren’s belly grow with my baby inside her.