The Curvy Girls Club

by Michele Gorman

  ‘How can they do that? On what grounds?’

  As I explained about Channel 4 and Pixie’s views on our image, his expression darkened. ‘You can’t be removed because of your looks. It’s illegal.’

  ‘They’re also not letting me work more on the dating side of the business. Same reason. That’s not discriminating against me though. They’re saying I’m too thin, not too fat. It’s discriminating for me.’ Even as I said it I knew it didn’t sound right.

  ‘Katie, they’re discriminating based on your looks. It doesn’t matter whether that’s because you’re too fat or too thin, too beautiful or because you’d scare small children. It must be illegal. You should talk to someone about this.’

  I recoiled at the very idea. Sue my friends? No way. I couldn’t bear the thought of Ellie and Jane being caught in the middle.

  ‘I can’t. If I sued anyone it would be Nutritious. I know Alex put me on the redundancy list when I don’t have the worst employment record there. If they really did have to make cuts, there were others in the queue before me.’

  ‘Why don’t you let me call my brother? He’s a solicitor and he’s handled employment disputes before. I can call him right now. It doesn’t hurt to talk to a professional.’

  ‘I can’t afford a solicitor. Made redundant, me, remember?’ I was just making excuses. If I talked to a solicitor it would all become a bit too real.

  ‘Katie, he’s my brother. It won’t cost anything just to talk to him. I’m calling now. Take the phone away if you don’t want me to.’

  I didn’t move.

  Rob’s brother, Jeremy, was able to meet us on his lunch break so we hurried to Knightsbridge. I’d have known they were related even without the introductions. Jeremy too looked like he was about to tell you the best dirty joke ever – same friendly grin and lively eyes. He was a mere shadow of his little brother though, and I preferred Rob’s burly frame to Jeremy’s hardened one. Jeremy would be uncomfortable to fall asleep on, for one thing.

  ‘I’m all yours till one, okay?’ he said as we found a table at Pizza Express. ‘It’s so nice to finally meet you, Katie. Rob talks about you all the time.’

  I smiled at Rob, who looked embarrassed.

  ‘So I understand from Rob that you’ve had quite a lot of news this week, and you feel there might be a case for constructive dismissal.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know about that,’ I said, blushing. I didn’t like sounding so litigious. ‘Rob just suggested I talk to you.’ I wanted to set the record straight. This wasn’t my idea.

  ‘Okay. Can you tell me about your office job first? Then we can come on to the Curvy Girls Club.’

  I really hadn’t thought this through when Rob offered to call. Of course I’d have to tell him all about Alex. Which meant I’d have to tell Rob all about it again.

  Rob seemed to realise the same thing. He set his menu down. ‘Actually, I think I’d better leave you two alone to talk. Confidentiality and all that. I can grab something at the café next door. Katie, give me a call when you’re done and we can take the Tube back together.’ He rushed off before anyone could object.

  Jeremy watched him go, shaking his head. ‘I never know what’s going on in his head.’

  Join the club, I thought as I filled Jeremy in on the whole sordid situation. His sympathetic but professional countenance relaxed me. He probably learned that in law school. Comforting Expressions 101. He took a lot of notes, occasionally interrupting to clarify points. ‘Were you offered voluntary redundancy, or notified that it was an option for anyone?’

  ‘Not officially,’ I said, thinking of Smith’s pillow talk with Racy Stacy. ‘The first I heard of it was when they told me about my redundancy.’

  He considered this for a moment. ‘If they did offer it, but not to you, then combined with what you’ve told me about your relationship with the finance director, and your acceptable appraisals bar the last one, you may have a case for constructive dismissal. We’d need to find out whether any other employees had a worse appraisal record than you. Generally the way this works is that we notify the company that you’ve retained us as solicitors, and are exploring your legal options. If they know they’ve illegally dismissed you then that’s often enough to make them reconsider. This isn’t a clear-cut case but I think you’ve got reason to approach them anyway.’ He stared at me and for a second I saw Rob’s eyes. I had to ignore the tickle in my belly. Wrong man, Katie. ‘What’s your ideal outcome here? Do you want your job back? Or do you want compensation?’

  I thought about his question. I’d liked Nutritious well enough when I’d worked there, but I had no burning desire to make supplements my career. It was different in the early days. Once I realised I could do it, I was proud of my work. I even spent valuable weekend brain power thinking of the best way to get ahead. But that desire waned when the Curvy Girls Club started up. That felt more like a calling.

  ‘I’m not sure I want my job back. Alex is still there, which would be awkward. And all my colleagues know I’ve been made redundant. If I came back they’d all know management didn’t want me there. I had another plan, which would have been perfect if it had worked out. If I could work at least three days a week for the club then I can pay my mortgage and have a little left over for the occasional Friday night takeaway.’

  ‘You measure success in Friday night takeaways? I can see why you and Rob are such good friends.’ He laughed Rob’s laugh.

  ‘But it’s a moot point since Pixie brought up the issue of my weight and got the others to vote against me as president, so now I don’t even get that little payment. I think Rob mentioned that on the phone.’ He nodded. ‘Then they agreed not to give me the extra days. Basically I’m stuffed unless I get another job within a month.’

  At the thought, financial panic made it hard to breathe. I was happy to rehash the insults of the last week but unless this was leading somewhere, it was just another lunch I couldn’t afford.

  Jeremy sighed. ‘Unfortunately there’s no law against employment discrimination based on appearance. There are a few cases in the American courts and the law may change, but so far there’s no movement here. However, unless there’s a clear reason for removing you as president – for example if you haven’t done your job properly – then you may have been unfairly dismissed. You should think about making a case.’

  The thought of becoming one of those people who sued everyone sat uncomfortably on my conscience. I’m writing to inform you that the party of the first part, Mr John Smith, will seek damages from you, the party of the second part, for the following incident. It has been established that on the fifth of the tenth of this year, you cut your granddaughter Jemima’s carrots rather big, causing her some distress. The party of the first part, hereafter known as your son, seeks damages of … It was all a bit icky to contemplate.

  We finished our pizzas talking about more entertaining topics, like what a pain in the arse Rob was as a little brother.

  ‘So? Will we see you on Judge Judy?’ Rob asked as we made our way back to the Tube station. ‘You could do worse than having my brother on your side. He can be a real barracuda. You should have seen him negotiating terms for our holidays with Dad when we were young – we stayed up past nine o’clock, had no chores and lots of pocket money.’

  ‘Funny, those are exactly the terms I’d want at Nutritious … No, I don’t think I’ll go after them. My heart’s not in it. It’d be nice to get some more money out of them but what if they offer to have me back? Then I’d have a job that I didn’t really want, and a position at the club that I really want but don’t have.’

  ‘You’re going after the girls then?’

  ‘I don’t want to think of it as going after them. It’s nothing personal—’

  ‘Said the SS Commander.’

  ‘Rob, please don’t make this any harder than it already is. Do you think I want to threaten to sue them? I hate the thought. These are my best friends. I’m going to try to talk to them first
.’

  He looked properly contrite. ‘I’m sorry. I know this is hard for you, and the fact that it’s completely unfair makes it even worse. I’m here for you, okay?’

  ‘Thanks, that’s nice to know … I’m glad we’re friends again.’

  ‘We were always friends, Katie.’

  ‘Can I ask you something?’ I asked, just as the Tube pulled into the station. I was about to be living proof that humans enjoyed kicking themselves when they were down. ‘What really happened? I mean I know it doesn’t matter now,’ I rushed to assure him. ‘I just wondered.’

  The carriage was crowded with summer tourists. We squeezed in between the rows of seats where at least a feeble breeze played through the carriage. I took heart that the people jammed up against us were too excited about their recent visit to Harrods to pay any attention to our conversation.

  Rob looked like he wasn’t going to answer me. Then he said, ‘You changed. When you started losing weight, you changed.’

  I wasn’t sure if that was better or worse than I expected. I thought he’d cite a personal habit or, god, technique that wasn’t to his liking, something that happened on our date that put him off. Well of course I’d changed. I’d lost a quarter of my body weight.

  ‘So you went off me because I lost weight? Are you saying you like chunky monkeys?’

  ‘Why do you have to be rude about it?’

  ‘Be rude about what?’

  ‘Overweight people. See? That’s what I mean. You get thin and all of a sudden everyone else is a chunky monkey. Chunky monkeys are people too, you know.’

  ‘I can’t take you seriously when you keep saying chunky monkey. You sound like a Ben & Jerry’s advert.’ I tried a smile. He didn’t return it. ‘You’re serious? You think I’m prejudiced against fat people? Rob, I am a fat person. Maybe I’ve lost weight but my image of myself is in here.’ I tapped my head.

  He blew out his cheeks. ‘There are women who constantly run down other women, and blacks who are prejudiced against other blacks. An overweight person can be prejudiced against others. We don’t have the corner on morality you know … You’ve become vain, Katie. For the last few months you’ve done nothing but try to get me to give you compliments on your looks. I don’t really care about your looks, you know. But you clearly do. Your constant jokes about fat people just got old.’

  He was being oversensitive.

  ‘This was never a problem before I started losing weight. Was it? You didn’t mind my jokes when we were all in the same big fat boat.’

  ‘See? There you go again with the jokes. I don’t need to be reminded of my size all the time. Believe me, I’m aware of it.’

  ‘How did this suddenly become about you? Rob, what’s going on inside your head? Because this isn’t about me being vain or making jokes, is it?’

  ‘It is, Katie. That’s exactly what it’s about. You talk about people as if they’re only the outer shell of skin and bones and fat that you can see. You even do it to yourself when you call yourself Fat Katie. We’re more than just what you see. I always thought you knew that. I was sad to be proven wrong, that’s all.’

  I felt my throat constrict. So that’s what he thought of me.

  ‘Rob, I’m sorry that I’ve come across that way. Maybe I got caught up in the weight loss, but I am exactly the same person underneath. And you, you are so much more than meets the eye. I’ve always known that. That’s why we’re friends.’

  He scoffed. ‘Friends. Thanks for being my friend. Nice to know that when it came to more than that, you went for Alex with the six-pack abs.’

  He was right in a way. But mostly he was very wrong.

  ‘Rob, you know I’d had a crush on Alex for six years. Yes, I was flattered when he started paying attention to me. I’m sorry about that, but first of all you’d already made it clear that there wouldn’t be another date. If you think I only went for him because of his body, or that I didn’t want to go out with you because of yours, then you don’t know me as well as I thought you did.’ I shook with anger at being misjudged. Again.

  ‘How could I get involved with you knowing I wasn’t what you wanted? Thank you, but I had that with my ex.’

  ‘Do you think I wanted you to be different? Thinner?’ I asked quietly. ‘Christ, you’re an idiot! Rob, I don’t know how many ways I can tell you that I like you exactly the way you are. You’re one of my best friends. You’re smart and funny. I think you’re gorgeous and our date was one of the best I’ve ever had. But then you had to go and ruin everything by ignoring me.’

  ‘I didn’t ignore you.’

  ‘But you didn’t say anything about going out again. You put us right back into the friend zone. This was your doing, Rob, not mine. Why would you do that?’

  He didn’t answer right away.

  ‘Do you remember you texted me after our date? Remember what you said? Here, I’ll read it to you.’ He pulled his phone from his pocket. ‘“I’ve lost 23lbs, woo hoo! Could be the start of a whole new me – roll on Thin Katie!” How was I supposed to answer that? “Gee, thanks for telling me about your weight, Katie. By the way, I had the most incredible night. I’m just sorry you didn’t think to mention it?”’

  Hadn’t I mentioned it? I’d certainly thought it. Why hadn’t I just texted what I really wanted to say?

  ‘That’s it? Because of that text you didn’t want to see me again?’

  ‘No. Even on our date there were warning signs, when you were talking about Fat Friends being bad for your image. Suddenly it was all about your image.’

  ‘Not too many warning signs to kiss me, I noticed.’

  ‘I liked you, Katie, a lot. But then every time I saw you after that, you just fished for compliments. That’s what I mean. You changed.’

  ‘Believe me, the one thing I’ve learned in the past few weeks is how little looks really matter in the scheme of things. Everyone seems to be telling me otherwise, but I know it’s not true. It’s in there.’ I thumped him, perhaps a little too hard, in the chest. ‘In there is what counts. Of course, by the time I realised it, it was too late. You’d already had your romantic date at that restaurant in Clapham.’

  He thought for a moment. ‘I went with my colleague. He lives around the corner and wanted to try it. God, maybe that makes me gay. D’you think?’

  ‘Shut up.’ We stared at each other. ‘So what happens now that I know you weren’t purposely cruel, or gay, and you know that my vanity was a temporary madness?’

  He stared at the Tube map over my shoulder. Finally he said, ‘I’m sorry if I misjudged you. Can we please start over?’ he asked. ‘I mean go back to where we were before we went out. I’d be happy with that.’

  I nodded, feeling the disappointment wash over me. I may no longer be shallow and prejudiced in his eyes, but I wasn’t someone he wanted to go out with either. Sad Katie.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  I thought a lot about my friends after meeting with Rob’s brother. That probably spiked the share price of Kleenex.

  Dozens of scenes played like extra-soppy Saturday afternoon romcoms – in soft-focus and untrue to reality. By the end of the week my mind had Pixie and me running across poppy-strewn fields to embrace against a vivid sunset.

  In actual fact Pixie didn’t run and grass gave me hay fever. We were more likely to hug over crème slices at Patisserie Valerie. That’s the problem with memories when you’re hurting over somebody. They’re completely untrustworthy.

  And I was hurting, as much as if she’d broken up with me. Which, in a way, she had. It wasn’t a clean break though, since we were still technically friends and the Curvy Girls Club co-founders, which was about as comfortable as sleeping in the spare room in the marital home for the sake of the children.

  Being realistic, Pixie and I were unlikely to recover from this. I’d have to be a magnanimous person on the scale of the Dalai Lama. That wasn’t likely. I still resented being passed over for the netball team in sixth form.

&nbs
p; That was my problem. In one ear, resentment told me not to bother talking to her again except through solicitors. In the other, love whispered that we had a history together. I couldn’t discard that without at least trying to make her see sense. So I called another meeting, wondering if it would be my last.

  Ellie still felt like she’d given me the kiss of Judas. I could have won her over at home in the week running up to the meeting, but it was unfair to do that just because we shared a bathroom. In the same way, she didn’t ask me why I’d called the meeting. What happened in meetings stayed in meetings. I promised her that I wasn’t holding a grudge because of her vote, and I meant it. She and Jane were caught between two bull-headed women.

  Besides, she had enough to worry about. Having thrown herself on the naked grenade for the sake of the club, it didn’t take long for her to realise that she was, in fact, going to have to bare her body to the nation. Jane called Rea at Channel 4 and arranged for them to meet our new representative. Of course they loved her, and the programme would go ahead as scheduled. Taping began in two weeks and we should have a flood of new members when it aired next month.

  So no matter how things ended for me, the future of the Curvy Girls Club was bright. We’d get the new clients we needed to pay for expansion. That, at least, made me feel better. That, and the fact that it wasn’t going to be my arse on the billboard.

  I didn’t bother to make any snacks for the meeting. No one expected you to cater for your own funeral. Jeremy had briefed me on how best to tell my friends I’d see them in court, but I doubted I’d use his notes. He didn’t know them like I hoped I did.

  A wave of nostalgia overcame me when I let myself into the darkened offices. Pete the bear looked sympathetic, if a bit more mangy than usual. The summer’s heat hadn’t agreed with him. There was no sign of David’s latest efforts. Either he’d run out of roadkill or he’d been on holiday, maybe snorkelling in the Med. I’d never seen him stuff a fish. I’d have to get Rob to remind him that he had an entire class of animal yet to mould into unsettling tableaus.