A Love Beyond Words

by Sherryl Woods

  “Well, I don’t understand it,” Jane said. “I’ve seen the two of you together. If ever two people belonged with each other, it’s you. If your mother were here, she’d tell you the same thing. Since she’s not, I figure it’s up to me.”

  “Actually, my mother doesn’t have an opinion about this, one way or the other. She’s not aware that my roommate is a man.”

  Jane stared incredulously. “How on earth can that be? Don’t the two of you talk? Hasn’t Ricky ever answered the phone?”

  “Actually she prefers letters,” Allie admitted stiffly.

  “Why because she doesn’t want that phone equipment around to remind her that you’re deaf?”

  “Something like that.”

  Jane muttered something. Allie figured it was just as well she hadn’t been able to see her lips. She doubted it had been complimentary. She tried to head off any more discussion.

  “Jane—”

  “Enough about your mother. I’ll keep my opinion to myself about that,” she said, cutting off Allie’s comment. “Now let me share something with you, Allie. I was married for thirty years. You never met my husband, but he was a lot like Ricky. He had a sense of honor and commitment to other people. We met when we were teenagers, before I had any idea that he was going to be a policeman. I was so proud of him the day he graduated from the police academy, but there wasn’t a single day after that when I wasn’t terrified that he might not come home to me.” She leveled a look straight into Allie’s eyes, then added pointedly, “Not one single day.”

  Allie got the message. By comparison, Ricky’s risks were far less frequent. Allie was behaving like a coward in not accepting the risks as a small price to pay for a love that could bring her joy. Unfortunately, she also knew how the story ended.

  “In the end your worst fears were realized,” she reminded Jane gently.

  “Yes, they were,” she admitted, her eyes swimming with tears even after twenty years without her beloved husband. “He died in the line of duty, and I was devastated. But at least I knew I’d had thirty years with the best man on the face of the earth. If I had given in to my fears, I would have had nothing. No memories to cherish. No children or grandchildren. Ricky is a rare man, my dear. He’s compassionate and brave. And he deserves a woman who can appreciate that.”

  “I do,” Allie said fiercely. “That’s what makes this so hard. I know what a wonderful man he is.”

  “Then don’t let the fear win,” Jane advised. She gathered up the empty food containers, then patted Allie’s cheek. “Think about it. That’s all I ask. And listen to your heart.”

  Allie had no problem at all hearing her heart. What terrified her was that it was going to wind up broken.

  When Ricky came home and found Allie packing, he told himself it was for the best. He wasn’t after permanence, never had been. Helping her to look for a new place to live would have just dragged out an already awkward situation.

  “Where are you going? Did you find a place this afternoon?” he asked.

  She avoided looking directly at him when she answered. “I’m going to stay with a friend temporarily.”

  Since there hadn’t been a friend who could take her in when she left the hospital, he couldn’t help wondering who it might be.

  “Mind telling me who this friend is?” he inquired casually. “In case I need to reach you or forward your mail or something.”

  Her expression turned defiant. “Maria.”

  Ricky felt his blood begin to heat. “You’re moving in with my sister? How the hell did that happen?” And how was he supposed to get over Allie, if she was living in the midst of his damn family?

  “She came over, found me packing and refused to let me go to a motel.”

  “Well, isn’t that just downright sisterly of her,” he muttered bitterly.

  Allie sank down on the side of the bed, her defiance slipping away. “I’m sorry. I know this is awkward. I tried to get out of it, but you know Maria,” she said with a resigned shrug.

  “I most certainly do,” he said grimly, imagining exactly how the conversation had gone. Allie might be a more-than-even match for him, but she was definitely not equal to his big sister when Maria was on a mission. The only question was what she considered that mission to be. He whirled around and headed for the phone. He wasn’t especially surprised when his sister answered on the first ring.

  “Expecting my call?” he asked sarcastically, grateful that the portable phone allowed him to pace.

  “Something like that.”

  “What are you up to?”

  “You’re not the only one in the family who can help a friend in need,” she retorted. “Allie needed a place to stay. We have a guest room. I offered to let her use it.”

  “Why not let her move into a motel or her own apartment, the way she intended?”

  “I could ask you the same question. Isn’t that how she wound up at your house in the first place?”

  Frustration coiled deep inside him. “Maria, you’re not helping.”

  She chuckled at that. “I may not be helping you, but I’m pretty sure I’m doing Allie a favor. Come to think of it, I’m also pretty sure that one day you’ll thank me.”

  “For what?”

  “For not letting her get away.”

  “It’s not as if she was planning to move to California,” he pointed out. “I could have found her if I’d wanted to.”

  “But this way you won’t have to waste time looking,” Maria said cheerfully. “Gotta run. The kids want to watch a video. Tell Allie I’ll be expecting her over here in time for dinner. You can come, too, if you want.”

  “Don’t expect me.”

  “Suit yourself,” she said blandly.

  He sighed heavily.

  “Enrique?”

  “Yes, what?”

  “I love you.”

  “I know that.”

  “So does Allie.”

  He thought he had known that, too, but the past twenty-four hours had made him question it. He hung up on his sister and went in search of his soon-to-depart houseguest…his lover, he reminded himself. He found her in the foyer, surrounded by her luggage. Shadow sat at her feet, watching her quizzically.

  He noted that she hadn’t acquired all that much while living with him. Just some clothes, a few essentials…and his heart.

  “Did Maria answer all your questions?” she inquired politely.

  “Not to my satisfaction, but she tried.”

  “Well, I’ll be going now.”

  “Allie, you don’t have to do this.”

  Her sad gaze met his, then darted away. “Yes,” she said softly. “I do.”

  Ricky didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t tell her the one thing she wanted to hear, that he would quit his job and do something less risky. Instead he just picked up her luggage and carried it out to her car, watched as she got settled behind the wheel.

  “Since you’ll be at Maria’s, I imagine we’ll bump into each other once in a while,” he said.

  “I’ll try to make sure that doesn’t happen,” she said, gazing up at him through the open window. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable about visiting your own sister.”

  “I won’t be uncomfortable,” he insisted. Just miserable.

  “Whatever. Thank you for everything.”

  “You’re welcome,” he said, chafing at the exchange that made them sound like polite strangers.

  Because he couldn’t stand the distance a second longer, he bent down and captured her lips in a greedy, demanding kiss meant to remind her—remind them both—of what they were giving up.

  She looked shaken when he finally pulled away, but that didn’t stop her from reaching for the key to start the car, turning it with fingers that visibly trembled. Then she hit the power button to close the window between them, shifted the car into reverse and eased away from him, distancing herself from his life.

  Watching her go was the hardest thing Ricky had ever had to
do. The instant the car disappeared from sight he knew that he was making the worst mistake he’d ever made.

  He shouted her name, then ran to the end of the driveway, Shadow barking alongside him. He slammed his fist into the mailbox in frustration when he realized what a wasted gesture the shout had been. How could he even tell her he loved her, when he didn’t know the right words and she couldn’t hear them even if he did?

  He could think of only one person who would totally understand what he was going through. He called Tom, only to learn that Nikki was with him.

  “She’s agreed to think about getting married again,” Tom exulted. “I really think we’re going to make it work this time. She’s dropped that whole thing about me working for her dad.”

  “What have you had to give up in return?”

  “I’ve promised that I’ll think about changing jobs in five years. I’ll be thirty-five then. I’ll probably be ready to do something that doesn’t take me on the road so much, especially if we have kids.”

  “Sounds like you’ve got it all worked out,” Ricky said, fighting to hide the bitterness in his own voice. It wasn’t Tom’s fault that his love life was working out while Ricky’s was going to hell.

  “Why did you call, Enrique? You don’t sound so good.”

  “It’s nothing. You enjoy your evening with Nikki, okay? You two deserve it.” He hung up before he could dump all of his problems on his friend.

  He didn’t miss the irony that the woman he’d blamed for instilling her own fears into Allie had somehow managed to get past those very same fears. Well, good for her, he thought sourly. And good for Tom.

  Since he refused to wallow in self-pity, he changed clothes and went into the garage, picked up his hedge clippers and began to chop the hell out of an overgrown bougainvillea.

  He was still at it two hours later when his mother arrived. She took one look at him and at the practically denuded flowering shrub and yanked the clippers away from him.

  “Are you loco?” she demanded.

  Ricky had the distinct impression that she was questioning more than his rampage with the clippers.

  “Leave it alone, Mama.” He stalked past her and headed for the kitchen. He pulled out a beer, popped the tab and chugged down a long, thirst-quenching swallow.

  Hands on hips, she stood in the doorway and scowled at him. “I taught you better than that.”

  “Better than what?”

  “To turn your back on a woman like Allie.”

  “I didn’t turn my back on her. It was her choice to move out.”

  “But you let her go.”

  “What choice did I have? She said she worried too much about my safety, that she couldn’t live with the thought of something happening to me.”

  “You think I don’t understand such fear?” his mother said.

  “But you’ve never asked me to give up the career I love.”

  “Of course not. Did she ask such a thing?”

  “No. She just packed up and bailed.”

  “Then get her back.”

  Ricky regarded her with mounting frustration. “How do you suggest I do that?”

  “If you can’t figure it out, then you are no son of mine.”

  He wasn’t particularly impressed with the threat. “You’ve been disowning me my whole life, every time I do something to displease you. I don’t take it seriously anymore.”

  She muttered a string of Spanish epithets he hadn’t even realized his mother knew. He stared at her in shock. She scowled right back at him.

  “Well, what do you expect?” she snapped. “Your father and I agree that Allie is the best thing that ever happened to you and you let her walk away. Did you even fight to keep her here? Did you tell her how you feel?”

  “I don’t know how to tell her any more clearly than I have.”

  His mother’s gaze narrowed. “Then you do realize that you love her?”

  “Of course,” he retorted. “It’s the words I don’t know, the ones that will convince her.”

  “Convince her of what? That she means the world to you, that you want to take care of her and love her, have babies with her?”

  “Yes, those words.”

  She rolled her eyes. “What is wrong with the ones you have just spoken to me?”

  “You said the words,” he pointed out. “I just agreed.”

  She stared at him, visibly exasperated. “Saints protect me, do I have to propose for you, too?”

  “If you want there to be a wedding, it might not be a bad idea.”

  She cuffed him gently upside the head. “You are a man. A foolish one, but a man, nonetheless. Tell the woman what is in your heart. She will hear you well enough.”

  Overnight he thought about what his mother had said. Would mere words really make a difference? Hadn’t he tried already, only to be rebuffed? He scoffed at the idea that one try was enough, given what was at stake. His mother was right. He owed it to both of them to try again…and again, if necessary.

  On Saturday morning he decided to brave his sister’s likely amusement, his nephews’ interference and his brother-in-law’s taunts. He arrived at Maria’s to find the entire family gathered around the breakfast table, Allie included. She and Ramón were having a heated discussion about baseball versus soccer. Apparently Allie was a huge Florida Marlins fan, something Ricky hadn’t discovered while she stayed with him though the T-shirt she’d worn when he rescued her should have been a clue. How many more things were there that he didn’t know about her?

  “Pull up a chair,” his brother-in-law offered. “I think there’s enough batter left for a few pancakes. Maria thought you might be by.”

  “Did she now?” Ricky asked, casting a scowl in his sister’s direction.

  “Just optimistic,” she said with a smile. She clapped her hands together to get the attention of her sons. “Boys, outside. Let the grown-ups have some peace and quiet.”

  The boys didn’t waste a second scrambling to get away. If only getting rid of Maria and her husband would be as simple, Ricky thought wistfully. Unfortunately, they poured themselves second cups of coffee and settled back to watch him eat his pancakes while they waited to see what transpired between him and Allie. She looked as if she wanted desperately to bolt right behind his nephews.

  Ricky studied her. She didn’t look any more rested than she had when she’d left his place. Apparently, the serenity she’d craved had remained elusive.

  “Are you settling in okay?” he inquired.

  “Maria and her family have been very gracious,” she said.

  “That’s good. How’s work?”

  “Fine.”

  “And Jane?”

  “She’s doing okay. I’m surprised you haven’t talked to her.”

  “I’m planning to see her tomorrow. In fact, I’ve invited her to Mama’s for Sunday dinner.”

  That got a reaction. “You have?”

  “I thought you might want to come, too.”

  She looked tempted, but she shook her head. “No, thanks.”

  Maria heaved an impatient sigh, then turned to her husband. “Obviously, they don’t intend to get into any of the good stuff as long as you and I are in the room. Want to take the kids and go to the beach?”

  “Sounds good to me,” Benny agreed, grinning at Ricky. “But you’re going to owe us.”

  “I usually do,” Ricky said.

  As soon as they were gone, he faced Allie. “I’ve missed you.”

  “Ricky, don’t. Please.”

  “Don’t what? Don’t be honest?”

  “Not when there’s no point to it.”

  “There’s always a point to being truthful. Before you throw away what we have, I want you to see the whole picture.”

  “What whole picture?” she asked warily.

  “I’ll admit that it comes as a shock to me, but I see a future for the two of us. I see us married, living in my place for now, but eventually in someplace bigger, maybe with a pool in back.
I see us having a family. Maybe two boys and a girl. I see us growing old together.”

  Suddenly she was blinking back tears. “Stop,” she pleaded. “That’s the part of the picture I can’t see.”

  He knew precisely where she had stumbled. “Getting old together?”

  “Yes. Every time I try to get past the here and now, to see into the future, I see something terrible happening to take you away from me.”

  He tried to think of some way to put her fears to rest, but the truth was it could happen exactly as she feared. But wasn’t life filled with that kind of uncertainty. He could get killed in an accident on I-95 as easily as he could doing his job.

  “Life doesn’t come with guarantees no matter what you do for a living,” he pointed out. “I love you. Doesn’t that mean anything?”

  “It means everything,” she said, but her eyes were still filled with sorrow. “But I can’t marry you. I need someone who will always come home to me.”

  “But I will,” he insisted.

  “You can’t promise that, not and continue doing the job you love.”

  “The job that brought us together,” he pointed out.

  She touched a hand to his cheek. “And it is a part of who you are and why I love you,” she said sadly. “But it’s also the reason I can’t marry you. I simply can’t live with that kind of fear.”

  Ricky didn’t begin to understand, but he saw the determined glint in her eyes and knew that she meant what she said. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips, then to the dampness on her cheeks, before turning and walking away.

  A week later, at the site of another earthquake, he took a dangerous misstep and found himself buried in rubble. Concrete and steel shifted precariously, slamming into flesh and bone. It was an uneven match. The pain was agonizing, but not nearly as agonizing as the realization that he was the one who’d been at fault, endangering not just himself, but others at the site.

  He hadn’t been concentrating, not the way he needed to. He wanted to blame Allie, blame the fact that he couldn’t get her out of his head, but the truth was he’d been rushing, anxious to get the work over with so he could go back home again. He’d been entirely focused on proving to Allie that he would always come home.

  Now it seemed, as he swam in and out of consciousness, he might have proved exactly the opposite. He had enough medical training to know that things weren’t good. Blood was flowing from the injury to his head, which pounded like a jackhammer at the slightest movement. A shaft of metal had penetrated his thigh, too darned close to a major artery by the looks of it. He retched at the sight, then forced himself to take slow, deep breaths, head turned away.