47 Things

by Lilliana Anderson

  Chuckling through his pain as I used my elbow to work out a knot, he shook his head. “I’m just a health nut, sweetheart. The body is a temple and all that shit. Don’t forget that the pot is organic.”

  “That’s true, maybe I should be worried,” I commented with a half joke, rolling my elbow around a little harder.

  “Argh!” he groaned. “Maybe I should be worried that I’m falling for a masochist. Fuck that hurts.”

  In response I laughed and continued to inflict pain until his muscle relaxed, but inside, my mind was reeling – he was falling for me? What did that even mean?

  ***

  Occasionally, Alex would attend the whole crazy yoga class with Tyler, or they’d go play the daredevil together and go skydiving or hang gliding on top of their dirt biking and various other adrenaline spiking activities that were scary to watch at times. So when we didn’t want to watch their scary games, Janesa and I would catch a movie or just hang out and swap gorgeous boyfriend stories.

  “I seriously think I’m in love, Sarah,” she said as we sat and had iced coffees after a morning of shopping.

  “Really?” I asked, grinning at the huge smile that spread across her face as her eyes sparkled happily. “What about Alex?”

  She bit her lip and twirled her straw through the cream on top of her drink. “He said it last night.”

  “Holy shit, Nesa! What did you say back?”

  “He said it during sex, so I just kissed the crap out of him. But, I’m not saying anything myself until he says it when I’m wearing clothes. He could have been caught up in the moment, you know?”

  “Well, he looks at you like you're his most favourite thing in this world,” I offered.

  “He’s really special. I never dreamed he would be like this. I thought…I don’t know what I thought,” she sighed. “I mean, you know I always liked him, he’s gorgeous. But, I kind of expected a bit of fun, and then we’d part ways. You know, something to tick off the bucket list. I really didn’t expect to fall for the guy.”

  Slowly, I sipped at the strong cold beverage. “I know how you feel,” I commented, and her face fell.

  “Oh god, Sarah, please tell me you didn’t say it before him.”

  I shook my head. “No. Nothing like that. I’m not crazy. I just… I just am. I’m one hundred percent in love with the guy.”

  “Why do you look so sad about that? Don’t you think he’s just as into you?”

  Chewing my lip I thought about what he said when I was massaging out his cramp then bounced my shoulder. “I think he is. But it just…it feels like a holiday romance. I feel like it’s all going to end at any moment.”

  Scrunching up her face a little, she shook her head. “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. It just feels temporary – like we’re having a great time together but there’s this rapidly approaching day in the near future that it’s going to be the end of us.”

  “Is this about the whole disappearing thing again?”

  “Yes, and no, I don’t know. It’s just this feeling I have around him. It’s like he isn’t letting me in fully.” I shook my head. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just imagining it.”

  “I think maybe you just think it’s all too good to be true. Tyler is probably the most beautiful man – well, besides Alex – that most of us have ever seen, and he’s chosen you. Alex says you’re the first girlfriend he’s ever had. So that’s got to be something, right? Why don’t you just ask him where he went, and if it’s likely to happen again and stop worrying about it?”

  “Yeah, you’re right,” I said, knowing that she wasn’t going to understand no matter how much I tried to explain. Because how do you explain a feeling when you have no real evidence to back it up? And how do you explain the fact that, while you could ask questions and get answers, you’re too scared to, because you’re petrified of being right.

  “See? All you needed to do was talk about it. Everything is going to be just fine. You’re perfect for each other. I can tell.”

  13

  OUR GRADUATION was just around the corner, and we were all preparing for the rest of our lives. Janesa and Alex were seriously considering a working trip overseas so they could further their skills while going on a grand adventure together. I was putting in early queries at various hospitals in their rehabilitation wards to see if they had any entry-level openings. Tyler said that he already had something lined up, but he was a little vague on exactly what it was. I wasn't sure why, but I did wonder if it was something that was set up by his family, and his family seemed to be one topic of conversation he’d never elaborate too much on, and I was left wondering what went on before he left Moama for Sydney. I knew I could probably make a few phone calls and ask around, but I’d been gone from Moama for so long, and I didn’t want to sneak around behind his back.

  “Hey, don’t you have one of your crazy yoga sessions on today?” I asked one afternoon as we were lying together on his couch. I’d had my boot removed the day before, and as long as I didn’t go too crazy and attended all of my physio appointments, I could walk on my own two feet again, and after a little over two months of being on crutches, it was pure bliss.

  “I’m not going,” he grumbled, his voice sounding gentle and relaxed as we lay with our limbs entwined as his fingers raked lazily through my curls. “I’m too comfortable lying here with you. Besides, I’m really digging this two feet thing you’ve got going on,” he added, moving his bare feet against mine.

  “It’s pretty awesome, isn’t it? I feel human again.”

  “Hmmm,” he said. “It’s amazingly awesome. I’m going to take you swimming, and skydiving, and hiking, and horse riding, and everything else you couldn’t do before. But right now, I just want to stay right here. I love lying with you like this.”

  In my mind, I responded with – ‘Well, I love you.’ – but in reality, I just leaned up and pressed a kiss to the underside of his chin, then snuggled back into his chest, listening to his heart and his breath, my head rising and falling with each one as he slowly drifted off to sleep, and I just lay there, holding on to him tightly and wishing that it could always be this way.

  ***

  For a moment, I thought was dreaming. I’d obviously fallen asleep because the room was darker than before, but the confusing thing was the woman standing in front of me with her arms folded crossly as she looked down at were me and Tyler were still tangled up on the couch.

  Was I naked?

  I stayed still for a moment, just looking at her questioning expression as I tried to remember if I was wearing clothes or not. We had a habit of making love and falling asleep together wherever we ended up so I surreptitiously looked down and was relieved to see I was fully clothed. One problem averted.

  “Um,” I started, placing my hand on Tyler’s chest and giving him a shake.

  A sharp intake of breath signalled the fact that he was waking, but he just adjusted his body a little and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer. “What time is it?” he mumbled, his eyes still closed as he refused to leave the comfort of our nap.

  “Tyler, um, your mother is here,” I informed him quietly, still staring at her because she was freaking me out with the way she was watching us. She had the same light blue eyes that he had, and from my memory of her back at school, she originally had golden hair, but now it was a variety of blonde tones, courtesy of her chosen hairdressing salon.

  “What?” he asked, releasing me and sitting up quickly as he glared at his mother. “That key is for emergencies only.”

  “I had good reason to be worried. I went to see you today and you weren’t where I thought you’d be. Although, I see now that the only thing I really need to worry about is your common sense.”

  “Mum,” he warned, and I wondered if she was referring to me. Did she think he was making a mistake by dating me?

  “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend, Tyler?”

  He let out a long sigh. “Mum, t
his is my girlfriend, Sarah Kennedy. Sarah, this is my mother, Susan Lohan.”

  “Nice to meet you, ma’am,’ I said, formally, standing to shake her hand. Although I already knew who she was, this was the first time we’d actually been introduced.

  She glanced down at it then back up at me. “Sarah Kennedy? Are you Moira’s daughter?”

  “Yes, Ma’am,” I said, lowering my hand and wiping it on the side of my shorts as if there was perhaps something wrong with it. It amazed me that with one look, this woman could make me feel like I was a ten-year-old child standing in front of the principal.

  “So you’re from Moama?” she asked with a raised brow, turning her gaze to Tyler.

  “She’s been in Sydney longer than we have,” he told her, and there was something about the way she exchanged glances and looked back at me that really got my curiosity up.

  “I see,” she smiled, although it went nowhere near her eyes. “Can I speak with you alone please, Tyler?”

  “Sure,” he said, dropping a kiss on the top of my head before he stood. “I won’t be long.”

  Then he followed his mother into the spare room and they shut the door, leaving me sitting in the large apartment on my own.

  For a moment, I did the right thing. I sat there and tried not to eavesdrop on their conversation. But my inquisitiveness got the better of me, and I found myself ‘needing’ a bottle of water from the fridge. So, slowly and quietly, I crept closer to the kitchen, arching wide so I’d go near the closed door, straining my ears to try and hear what was being said.

  I caught the words ‘insane’ and ‘mistake’ from his mother, and something about living his life the way he wanted from Tyler.

  I crept closer, feeling sick as I listened more intently as they continued, and I heard his mother say, “It will happen, it’s just a matter of time and you know it. There’s no point in pretending this time will be any different.”

  “I know what I’m doing, mum.”

  Then one of them must have placed their hand on the handle of the door because it turned slightly, and despite my still sore ankle, I hightailed it toward the kitchen and opened the fridge door, pulling out a bottle of water and drinking from it quickly to cover my indiscretion.

  “I’ll see myself out, Tyler. Say hello to your mother for me when you speak to her next, Sarah,” she said. “It was lovely to meet you.” She waved over her shoulder as she walked straight out the front door, and I felt sure that she didn’t find it lovely to meet me at all. Was I not good enough for her son?

  I lowered the bottle of water from my mouth and looked over to where Tyler had emerged from the room with his hand rubbing the back of his neck as if he had some bad news to deliver.

  “Everything all right?” I asked, watching him carefully.

  “Uh, yeah. I just…I need to go out for a while. I’ll um, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  “Sure,” I said quietly, placing my bottle of water on the benchtop as I watched him leave as well, all the while wondering what the hell just went on. I felt as though this was going to be one of those times when he said he’d see me tomorrow, but tomorrow wouldn’t come for weeks…

  14

  WHEN MY eyes opened, my bedroom was dark, and the only illumination came from the digital clock and the street lamps outside. Around my waist, a warm arm, wrapped itself securely around me, and an equally warm body pressed itself against my back, as its owner bowed his head and kissed the back of my shoulder.

  “I thought you said tomorrow,” I whispered, turning my head so I could face him, the faint light illuminating the side of his beautiful face and the smooth skin of his defined chest.

  “It is tomorrow,” he whispered in return, his hand moving over my stomach lazily, sliding back and forth as he looked into my eyes. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

  “You don’t go to yoga do you?” I asked, feeling as though I was slowly beginning to piece together the puzzle of Tyler Lohan. Keeping his eyes on mine, I noticed his brow furrow, and he shook his head slightly. “You go to some sort of counselling session instead. Is that right?”

  “Sarah,” he started, his voice sounding pained as if it was hard for him to talk about it.

  “It’s OK, you don’t have to be embarrassed. But, it makes sense – the appointments, the journal, the feeling I’ve had that you’re keeping something big from me, and the way your mother reacted today when you didn’t keep your appointment, and just…you, you’re a bit more intense than most guys are...and you’re focus on what you put in your body – it’s to help control your mind, isn’t it?” I twisted around fully to face him, and reached my hand up to run my fingers down the side of his face, feeling the bristles of his stubble brushing up against my fingertips. “I just want you to know that I’m not scared, Tyler. I want to be there for you just like you always are for me. I want to understand you. I want to support you and take care of you if you need it. I’m all in with you, Tyler, good and bad, I’m all in, because, well…because I’m in love with you,” I admitted, feeling nervous and relieved that I put that feeling out there. Whether he said it back or not, I just needed to let him know how I felt.

  “Sarah,” he whispered, his voice thick and his eyes shining as his hand moved to the back of my head and he brought our mouths together, kissing me intensely before pressing our foreheads together, his breath shaky as his fingers brushed through my hair, and I felt sure that he was shaking. “You shouldn’t love me,” he forced out.

  “I can’t help it,” I returned. “You don’t have to love me back, but I needed you to know, OK. I need you to know.”

  Then I brought our mouths together, kissing him softly as I began to cry and shake along with him. I didn’t know what was happening but I felt as though everything was on the line in that moment, and if I let go of him, just one little bit, he might have left and never returned. “God, Sarah,” he gasped. “Don’t do this.”

  I couldn’t stop, something inside me knew he needed to hear it, so I kept going. “I love you, Tyler,” I whispered, kissing him harder. “I love you.”

  He groaned into my mouth, and his arms moved to my waist before he pulled me so I was on top of him. I removed my pyjama shorts, pressing soft kisses to his chest as I did then I positioned myself over him so my legs straddled his, and I rocked my hips, moving myself along his shaft.

  “I love you,” I said again, feeling his erection hardening between my thighs. “I love you,” I told him, as I took his length inside. “I love you,” I promised as his hands gripped my hips, guiding me as I rode him up and down.

  “Oh god, Sarah,” he groaned, lying back and watching my body move with his. “I’m just going to fuck this up.”

  “I'm not going to let you,” I promised as I took him deep, grinding my hips at his base, feeling myself moving closer and closer to climax. “I’m not going to let you.”

  I let out a groan as my body pulsed, releasing around him as his fingers dug into my hips, and he thrust his hips upward, spilling his seed inside me with a long moan before pulling me toward him and kissing me sensually. “I love you too,” he whispered. “I can’t fucking help it.”

  15

  “HEY,” I said the next morning when I woke up beside him. He looked tired, as if he hadn’t really slept at all.

  He tightened his arm around me. “Hey, sweetheart. You sleep OK?”

  “Did you sleep at all?” I asked.

  He shrugged a little. “Too busy thinking, but I did sleep a bit.”

  “About?”

  “The future.”

  “I thought you liked to live in the now.”

  He pressed his lips together. “I do, but every now and then I look ahead. Doesn’t do me much good though, we never know what’s going to happen. It could all be over in the blink of an eye.”

  “None of us know what’s going to happen. Doesn’t mean we can’t dream or plan.”

  He let out a sigh, moving his fingers up and down the skin on my back soothingly. “I th
ink Janesa and Alex might have the right idea. I’d like to travel – see the world and work, do as much as I can.”

  “What about your job? Don’t you have something lined up for when you graduate?”

  “I did. But I think I’d rather travel. I have a whole bunch of places I want to see.”

  “Oh,” I replied, not really knowing what to make of this new development.

  “Oh? I want to take you with me – if you’ll come that is.”

  “What? Oh, well, yeah, of course I’d like to see the world with you,” I said, moving so I was lying beside him and could see him properly.

  He grinned and ran the backs of his fingers lightly over my cheeks. “Did you think I was trying to take off on you?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t really know what to think,” I replied with a small laugh.

  “Sweetheart, I’m not the type of guy who tells a girl he loves her after sex then takes it back the next morning. In fact, I’m not the kind of guy who says I love you at any point at all. So I’m telling you now that I meant it. I do love you, and I want you with me as much a bloody possible. And I can’t promise you it’s going to be easy. I can’t promise not to freak out and try to push you away when things get bad, because sweetheart, this is fucking hard for me. Things do go bad in my life, and because of that, I don’t do relationships, and I seriously never thought I was actually going to meet someone who made me feel like this. I especially didn’t think it was going to be the girl who told me how gross I was back in school. But, I’m promising you that I’m going to try, and I just hope that when I fuck up – and I will fuck up, I promise you that – I just hope you’ll still be in love with me when I get back. And I will come back. I’ll keeping coming back to you until you tell me it’s too hard and ask me to stop.”