“OK?” I asked slowly, putting my keys down on the table as I slid my bag off my shoulder. “Is it a space shuttle ride?” I was joking, but I wouldn’t put it past him.
“No,” he laughed. “But I can’t tell you. Just be ready, OK?”
“I go along with every other crazy thing you want to do, so why not,” I smiled, loving the way his excitement lit up the blue in his eyes.
“Excellent. And don’t worry, you’re going to love this one. I promise.”
***
The alarm went off at two am and I groaned, wishing I’d never agreed to…whatever it was.
“Morning, sweetheart,” Tyler said, his voice sounding wide-awake, as if he had already been up for a while.
“This is cruel and unusual punishment, Tyler.”
He grinned. “I made you breakfast,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of my head as he leaned over me.
“You’re still evil,” I called after him as he left the room.
“I love you too.”
Chuckling slightly, I shook my head before I pulled the covers back and got out of bed.
“Do you know what today is?” he asked, as I padded out to the kitchen with bare feet.
“Saturday?” I responded, squinting my eye a little as I tried to think of what else that day meant.
Smiling, he shook his head. “No. Today is the one year anniversary of the day I broke your ankle, also known as the day that Tyler quit spitting his gum out like an animal.”
“We’re celebrating my injury?” I asked with a broad but cheeky grin because I knew exactly what this was about, and even tenderly ran the tip of my finger back and forth against the stamping on my GPS coordinate bracelet that was to commemorate the same occasion.
“We’re celebrating the day I forced my way into your life, and you let me make a home there.”
Walking over to him, I wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head against his chest, listening to the soft beat of his heart as I held him tight.
“Also known as the best day ever.”
He gave me a squeeze then pulled my chair out for me and we shared a meal of poached eggs, toast and fruit. He poured me a strong coffee to help me wake up and when we were done, he stood and held a black silk scarf in front of my face.
“You need to be blindfolded for the next part,” he said.
“Is this a thing on your kinky list?” I asked with a grin as the cool fabric settled against my skin.
“No, this is on my ‘things I only want to do with Sarah’ list.”
“Isn’t that the title of all your lists?” I joked, holding out my hand as he walked me to the front door then out to the front of his apartment building. I had thought he’d be taking me to the car, but instead, there was a car waiting for us. I didn't’ think it was a cab because I could smell leather and Tyler didn’t need to tell the driver where to take us.
“Just relax, it’s not far,” he assured me, wrapping his arm around me as we settled into the seat.
“You’re lucky I trust you so much,” I said, resting up against him as I waited in darkness to finish our journey.
Almost forty-five minutes later, I felt the car leave the road and begin travelling over rough terrain before coming to a stop.
“Here we are,” Tyler said before we were helped out of the car and he removed my blindfold.
“Wow,” I gasped, when I saw before me, a red and white hot air balloon, shifting gracefully in the breeze in the centre of a paddock.
“Happy anniversary, sweetheart,” he murmured, kissing me on the top of my head.
I returned the sentiment, thanking him for being so thoughtful as I took in the limo we’d just ridden in, as well as the vessel that was to float us up above the city.
With a glass of champagne in hand, we alighted the balloon’s basket and held on as it lifted off the ground and swung from side to side.
Slowly we rose over the city and I could see everything – the skyscrapers, the ocean, the cars on the highways, curved like snakes. But, the best view for me was right in the basket beside me. Tyler was smiling broadly, the sunrise causing his hair to glow and make him look even more like a golden boy than normal.
“I love you so much, Tyler,” I said, setting my glass down next to where he’d placed his champagne untouched before wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him deeply. “This was definitely worth getting up at two am for.”
“I’m glad. But there’s still a little more to this gift,” he hinted, reaching into his back pocket and producing an envelope.
“What is this?” I asked, taking the paper rectangle from his fingers.
“Open it and see,” he grinned, and I bit my lip in anticipation as I made quick work of ripping along the opening. My jaw dropped as I pulled out the confirmation for a trip booked to Vegas.
“Las Vegas?” I said, both excited and nervous at the idea of leaving the country with him again.
He grinned. “I want to ride that rollercoaster on the top of the hotel,” he explained, and I had to admit that it sounded like a lot of fun. “And…” he reached into his other pocket. “I was kind of hoping you’d be into this.”
Producing a dark blue box, he opened the lid and held it in front of me, causing tears to spring to my eyes when I looked inside. “Tyler,” I cried, my hands flying to my mouth as I stared at the ring he held before me.
“You have been the best thing that ever happened to me, and in the last year, you’ve made me want so much more out of life. And number one on that list is you. Will you marry me, Sarah?”
Lowering my hands, I didn’t need to think twice, and I nodded my head. “I told you I wanted forever with you, so yes, Tyler, I’ll marry you,” I cried, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him tightly before kissing him deeply.
He let out a relieved breath. “I was so worried you were going to say no,” he admitted as we pulled apart, and he slid the perfectly simple solitaire ring on my left hand.
“I want forever with you, Tyler, of course I want to marry you. I want everything with you.”
“I love you,” he whispered, taking my face in his hands and pressing a kiss to my lips as the early morning sun glinted off my new ring, and flickered like a star in the sky above the city of Sydney, announcing our engagement to anyone below who dared to look up.
***
“Married? You can’t be serious,” Tyler’s mother said when she stopped by to check on Tyler the next day. This was a common thing she did, and it was something I completely understood. Tyler wasn’t the most forthcoming about his condition, so it was best to see him with your own eyes to know how he really was feeling – and even then it could be hard to tell.
“I’d hoped you’d be happy for us,” he responded, his voice gentle as he stood beside me and wrapped his arm around my waist protectively. I was trying not to cry because her reaction surprised me – she’d always been protective of Tyler, but essentially, she’d been supportive of all his choices.
She shook her head, looking between the two of us, her eyes dropping to the ring adorning my left hand. “I just don’t understand why you’d want to get married when you plan…” Her eyes closed and her hand flew up to cover her mouth as she choked back a sob, her words catching in her throat.
“Mum,” Tyler said, a tone of warning in his voice.
Her eyes went wide. “Oh Tyler,” she gasped. “You can’t do this to her withou–”
“I’m going to talk to her about it, OK?”
“When are you leaving for Vegas?” she asked, touching her nose slightly as she sniffed.
“Next month,” he replied.
His mother nodded. “Well, provided you tell her what happens when you can’t work on that list of yours anymore then I’d like to come and see this wedding happen. Perhaps you should invite your parents as well, Sarah, providing you still want to marry my son after he’s told you of his plans.”
“Of course,” I said to her, nerves floating abo
ut in my stomach as I shifted my gaze to Tyler. “What plans is she talking about? What happens at the end of the list?”
When he looked at me, there was pain in his eyes, and I felt sick. I knew what he was going to say before he even said it, and I really didn’t want to hear it. “No,” I whispered, shaking my head as I stepped away from him.
“I’ll leave you two to talk,” his mother said, touching my shoulder gently. “I hope you’re still here when I visit next, Sarah. You’re probably the only other person on this earth who understands just how special my son is.”
Swallowing hard, I nodded and watched as she clicked her way out of the apartment on her high heels. Then I turned back to Tyler with tears in my eyes. “Please tell me that you’re not planning what I think you’re planning, Tyler. Please tell me I’m wrong,” I whispered, panic gripping my heart at the thought of him doing such a thing.
“I can’t live my life like that, sweetheart,” he responded, his own eyes watering as he pushed the curls back from my face.
“Say it, Tyler. Say exactly what you’re planning to do.”
Pressing his lips together, he nodded and took. “When I can’t work on my list anymore – when my body won’t work anymore, I want to make a choice to end it. I want to take my own life when life isn’t worth living anymore.”
A feeling crept over me that felt like a mixture of sickness and heartache. My lips quivered and my eyes filled with thick hot tears that I swiped at angrily. I looked up at the man I loved, his face out of focus through my tears, and I shook my head, my heart aching at the thought of losing him. “You’re an arsehole,” I sobbed, pulling my ring from my finger and throwing it at his chest as I backed away from him. “You’re a fucking arsehole.”
“Sarah,” he implored, stepping toward me with his hand out. “You don’t understand.”
“No, Tyler, you’re wrong. I do understand. I understand that you don’t love me enough to be with me any way that you can.”
“That’s not why I want this,” he countered. “I just want to be in control of something to do with this fucking disease instead of sitting around, hoping that I’ll get an infection or choke on my own vomit so I don’t have to live my life as an adult sized baby.”
“Why talk like that, Tyler?” I yelled. “There is so much we could still do together, even if you’re barely able to move. Life can still be worth living.”
“Don’t you get it? I don’t want to live like that! I’ve fucking been trapped like that and it’s fucking agony. I won’t be me anymore, Sarah, and I don’t want you to give up your life to care for my every fucking need. You deserve better than that!”
“Then why the fuck did you ask me to marry you when you knew you were planning on making me a widow!”
“Because I want everything with you. I want to live my life with you as if my life isn’t about to end. I want to stand before God and proclaim to the world that you are my perfect mate. I want you to be my forever.”
“Then why are you willing to cut your forever short?”
“Because I love you too much to make you suffer along with me.”
Angry tears burned hot in my eyes as I stood there looking at the man who was the joy in my heart and my very reason for being, and just the thought of waking up to a world without him in it, tore my heart in two and caused a horrible ache to thump in my chest where my heart should be. I couldn’t believe that he’d willingly cut his life short. I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t see that every day we had together was a precious piece of time that would never be enough, and just meeting his eyes caused that ache to deepen.
“You said that one day, just looking at you was going to hurt me,” I sobbed, tears streaming down my cheeks. “Today is that day, Tyler. And it wasn’t your disease that did it, it was just you and your horrible plans and your stupid lists. You know what? Congratulations, you’re a bigger arsehole than MS is.”
Shaking with anger and devastation, I grabbed my keys then opened the door and slammed it shut, too upset to even be around him. For once, I was glad I still had my apartment.
30
“SWEETHEART,” HE whispered as he lay on the bed beside me, pulling me up against his warm body. I’d been curled up in a ball for hours, crying as I tried to understand why anyone would ever choose death over life. Wasn’t every day worth living, no matter how hard that day was?
“Go away,” I whispered back, my voice hoarse from all the crying I’d done.
“I’m not giving up on us,” he murmured, pressing his lips against my shoulder. “I’m selfish, and I’m an arsehole, I know. But I can’t give up on us. I love you too much.”
“Just not enough to stick around,” I countered, wiping at my swollen eyes with the wad of damp tissues in my hand.
“No, I love you enough not to put you through life with a husband in constant pain and unable to even chew his own food.”
“I’d chew it for you if I had to,” I whispered, slipping my fingers between his and holding tight as all new tears began to fall.
He chuckled softly and kissed my shoulder again. “That’s really gross, sweetheart.”
“Well it’s true. I would.”
“I know you would,” he murmured, his voice thickening as he spoke. “And I know you’d dress me, and wash me, and change the fucking bags I’d have to piss and shit in. I know you’d do all of it and more.”
“I would,” I whisper. “I love you.”
“I know, sweetheart. And I love you too, so much. It’s why I want to spend every day I have left with you, and why I know that you’re going to understand why I don’t want to live like that. It’s not about me not loving you enough to stick around, it’s about me loving you enough to let you go.”
“I don’t want that.” I held his arm tighter.
“Sweetheart, I don’t ever want to let you go. But, the fact of the matter is, eventually, I just won’t be able to hold you, and that, my love, isn’t a life worth living.”
“But I’d be able to hold you – don’t you understand that? I don’t want this. I don’t want to live every day dreading the day when you don’t want to be around anymore. You can’t just check out because life is too hard, Tyler. It doesn’t work that way.”
“Don’t you think it should? Don't you think I should be able to die with dignity instead of living like that? Is that the life you want for me?”
Closing my eyes, I wished I wasn’t even having this conversation. I didn’t want to see the sense in it. I didn’t want to understand. Pulling out of his embrace, I sat and turned to be face him, his features lit only by the moonlight coming in through my window. My heart squeezed tight looking at him, he was everything to me, and I couldn’t lose him.
“No, but living in fear of the day you’ve had enough isn’t the life I want for me either. I love you, Tyler. I want to be your wife, and I even want to have children with you. But I never, never want to be your widow. Why? Why would you want that for me?”
“You want my children?” he asked with a gasp, sitting up to rake his hand through his hair.
“Of course I do. I love you, and I want to have children so they can go out in this world and through them, our love will live forever. And I want an infinite number of forevers with you. Don’t you get that? The man I love is in here,” I reached out and touched his forehead before moving my hand to his heart. “And in here. I will take you however the rest of you is packaged, or how broken you are.”
“I don’t even know if I can have kids, sweetheart. I’ve been through so much chemo and taken so many steroids and a multitude of other drugs. Kids might not be possible, and besides that, what good would I be to them?”
“You’d love them, Tyler, and love is enough. Love is always enough. That’s what I’m trying to get through to you.”
He took a hold of my hands and pressed kisses against my knuckles, his breath rough with emotion as he sat in silence for a while before he looked back up at me. “I love you, sweetheart. W
ith every fibre of my being, I love you. But, I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t make love to my wife or hold her in my arms as I sleep beside her at night. So, there will have to come a time when you need to let me go. If you decide that’s today, then I’ll walk out of that door and I’ll stay out of your life, but if you want me, if you can handle a limited forever, then I can promise you that I’ll hold on for as long as I can. I’ll keep on taking this one day at a time.”
Reaching my hands up, I gripped the sides of his face and pressed my forehead against his. “What you’re asking is impossible. How can I ever let you go when you’re so completely a part of me?”
“You already know the answer to that – when it hurts too much.”
Pressing my lips together, I tucked my head against his chest, crying because I didn’t want to deal with the idea of giving him up. I didn’t think I could ever be ready. Not in a million years.
31
“ARE YOU sure you want to go through with this?” my mum asks, running her fingers down the soft veil that she’d pinned in my hair. “I mean, he’s…”
“Mum, please,” I said, stopping her from pointing out something I already knew. I’d confided in her about Tyler’s condition, but I hadn’t told her about his plans to end things – they were something even I could barely think about, and they were something only his mother and I knew about being the closest to him. “I love him, nothing’s going to change that.”
“OK,” she whispered with a teary smile, and while I knew she was supportive of whatever decisions I made, I knew that a Las Vegas wedding to a man with MS wasn’t something she’d wish for me herself. But, she understood and supported my choices enough to be here, and that was enough.
“You look beautiful, Sarah,” my dad commented as he entered the small room in the small chapel we’d chosen to hold our nuptials in where you could do a walk in wedding, or even a drive through wedding. But, we wanted something a bit more personal, so we opted for a planned ceremony that would take place in the wedding chapel and provide us with everything but our clothing and the rings.
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