She’d needed the distraction after spending the morning in a state of torment after saying goodbye to Julien.
It had taken Ruth a couple of miles’ worth of small talk before she finally got round to asking about him, clearly sensing that there was something wrong in Indigo’s world but that she wasn’t going to bring it up herself.
Indigo had been preparing herself to talk about Julien, but even so, it was still hard to make her story of their walk to Nerano and subsequent night on the yacht sound as inconsequential as she’d wanted it to.
Ruth had not been fooled by her bluster though and had pressed her about their relationship until Indigo had given up on the pretence that he meant nothing important to her and blurted out the whole sorry tale.
‘He sounds like he needs more time, love,’ Ruth told her as they walked the last leg towards Sorrento.
‘Yeah, I know,’ she said with a sigh. ‘It was just really bad timing.’ They walked for another mile or so in companionable silence, with Indigo’s thoughts spinning through her head until she couldn’t keep it in any longer.
‘I just felt like we were meant to meet,’ she blurted. ‘It was like some force kept dragging us back together. It felt right to be with him, you know?’
‘I do,’ Ruth agreed. ‘My husband and I met in Western Samoa, of all places, after living only five miles apart for twelve years, never having crossed paths before. We kept missing each other, even though we now realise we’d attended quite a few of the same events. He was married to someone else at the time, though, who sadly died after a long illness a year before he and I met each other in Samoa, so it wouldn’t have worked out if we’d bumped into each other earlier. It’s funny how these things happen. You can’t help but suspect there’s some kind of benevolent force pushing you together at the right time.’
‘Yeah, but if the other person isn’t ready, there’s only so much magic fate can weave.’
They’d come to a halt on the outskirts of the town at that point and Ruth put a comforting arm around her. ‘If it’s meant to be, you’ll see him again, honey,’ she said with a warmth in her voice that made Indigo think of the cuddles her mum used to give her when she was upset about something. From out of nowhere, she experienced a sudden and intense pang of loss. The grief of losing her mother never seemed to lessen, though it hit her less often these days, usually when she was feeling particularly low. This time it had the disconcerting effect of reminding her just how alone in the world she was right then.
Forcing back the tears that threatened to spill over, she hugged Ruth back hard, finally pulling away to give her a grateful smile.
‘Thanks for taking me under your wing; I really needed the company today,’ she said.
‘You’re welcome, sweetheart. We’re flying back to England tomorrow so I’m afraid we won’t be able to continue on your travels with you. I hope you enjoy your time in Capri, though—and that you find what you’re looking for,’ she said with a kind smile.
Indigo couldn’t help but smile back, albeit with a twist of sad scepticism.
‘Yeah, you never know,’ she said.
And now here she was, stepping off the ferry in Capri into the bright morning sunshine and the first person she laid eyes on was Julien.
He appeared to have been watching the people getting off the ferry and as soon as he locked eyes with her he stood up and started walking towards her.
She came to a sudden halt in shock, feeling the other passengers push past her and hearing the odd ‘tut’ as she blocked part of the gangway. Her heart hammered in her chest, her senses on high alert as she watched him pushing his way through the crowd.
What was he doing here?
Pulling herself together, she started walking towards him again, feeling the tide of people drawing them ever closer together, until finally they were standing only feet apart, grinning as if they’d not seen each other for a year.
A gentle breeze whipped her hair around her head and she pushed it away from her face with a shaking hand.
‘Julien—I thought I’d seen the last of you,’ she said, hyperaware of a tremble in her voice. ‘Were you waiting here for me?’
‘Oui.’
She gazed into his eyes looking for a clue as to why, hardly daring to hope that he’d come to tell her he’d changed his mind about being ready for a new relationship, but his expression was inscrutable.
‘I wanted to catch you before I leave Capri and sail on to Naples,’ he said, taking her hand and leading her gently away from the crowd of people still mingling around the ferry and over towards the quieter side of the port.
So he wasn’t staying on Capri? Was he here to try and persuade her to leave with him then? The idea of it made her stomach flutter.
When they reached a small stone bench next to a closed ticket office he let go of her hand and, reaching for her rucksack, lifted it from her shoulder and propped it up against the bench.
The anticipation was killing her. ‘What’s going on? Is everything okay?’ she asked, hugging her arms around her. Despite her conviction they were meant to be together, something in the back of her brain warned her not to get her hopes up, just in case.
‘I have something I want to give you.’ He moved his hand around to his back pocket, glancing behind him as he removed whatever he had in there.
For one ridiculous, heart-thumping second she thought he was going to produce a ring and she drew in a sharp, shaky breath...
It was a large white envelope.
He held it out towards her, an expectant smile lighting up his eyes.
She tried hard not to let her disappointment show on her face as she stared down at it.
‘What’s this?’ she asked.
‘Open it and see.’
Her hands shook as she took the envelope from him and lifted up the flap at the back.
She stared at the contents, a heavy sinking sensation turning her stomach over.
It was money. Lots and lots of money. All in fifty euro notes.
‘It’s a donation to help with the running of your café. So you can keep working there,’ he said, not appearing to notice her distress.
‘I felt bad about the way we’d left things after what happened between us,’ he said. ‘I kept thinking about what a struggle you’ll have when you get back to London. I wanted to do something to help you.’
‘You came here to give me money?’ she asked, her voice barely making it past her throat. Bitter disillusionment coursed through her, causing her eyes to burn with unshed tears and her skin to prickle as if she were being attacked by a thousand bees.
He frowned, looking visibly shocked by her lack of enthusiasm. ‘What’s wrong? I thought you’d be pleased.’
‘Do you even know me at all? Did you really think I wouldn’t be offended by you giving me money after I’d slept with you?’ Her voice crackled with dismay. ‘It’s like you’re paying me off to relieve your conscience!’
She knew it was a low blow, but she was so angry with him right now. Couldn’t he see how humiliating this was for her?
‘That’s not why I’m giving it to you. Mon Dieu! It just means if your grant doesn’t come through you can keep working there until you find another source of funding.’ His shoulders tensed as he folded his arms across his chest. ‘I wanted to do something to help you,’ he repeated, in the same tone he’d used with the receptionist on the very first night they’d met, when he’d made it clear how disgusted he was with the lack of service she’d provided.
‘I don’t want your money, Julien.’ This time the words came out loud and clear, thanks to a sudden surge of anger that came rushing up from the pit of her stomach.
He opened his mouth to speak, then looked away as if he’d thought better of it, frowning and shaking his head in confusion.
When he looked back, his expression was shuttered and a muscle flickered in his jaw.
‘Where is this coming from, Indigo? Hmm? Why are you so angry with me for wanting to help? Can’t you put your stubborn pride aside for a moment and let someone help you for once?’ He shook his head, his eyes narrowed. ‘I don’t understand. What is it you want from me?’
How could he ask that? Didn’t he know how she felt about him? Wasn’t it obvious? ‘I want you, you idiot!’
The silence after her outburst seemed to stretch on forever.
Finally, Julien closed his eyes and rubbed a hand over his face, letting out a long sigh.
‘When you turned up here I thought you’d come back for me. Me, Julien!’ Her throat felt painfully tight as she fought back the tears. ‘But I guess that makes me the idiot!’ A sob broke loose and she clasped a hand over her mouth to stop any more from escaping.
‘Indigo—’ His expression was full of regret now.
‘I just want the opportunity for us to get to know each other better.’ She took a deep, calming breath, not wanting to give in to her emotions and ruin any chance she had of making herself heard. ‘To give a relationship a chance.’
He was shaking his head now, his eyes a little wild, as if she’d caught him in a trap and he couldn’t see any way to escape. ‘I can’t, Indigo. I’m not ready for that.’
‘So you’ll just let this amazing connection that we have go? You feel it too, right? Please tell me it’s not just me.’
There was another long silence where he stared at the ground. ‘It’s not just you,’ he said finally.
‘So why won’t you give it a chance?’
‘I can’t, Indigo.’
‘What are you afraid of?’
He rubbed a hand over his face. ‘I’ve spent the last two years feeling like I was suffocating. I need my space—to begin to feel like I’ve got a grip on my life again.’
‘And you can’t do that and still have some space left for me?’
He spread his hands in mute apology. ‘No. I’m sorry.’ He gestured towards the envelope still clutched in her hand. ‘That’s the best I can do right now.’
‘Well, I don’t want it.’ She thrust it back towards him and after a second’s hesitation he took it from her.
From the intensity of his frown she could tell that he wasn’t prepared to listen to any more of her entreaties.
She opened her mouth to try anyway, but he raised his hand to stop her.
‘I can’t ask you to wait for me, Indigo, because I don’t know when I’ll feel ready to have another serious relationship again—or if I’ll ever be ready for one. And, after what happened with your ex, the last thing you need is to embark on something so precarious with someone like me. I don’t want to have any part in corrupting that amazing positivity that you have. I’m too bitter and messed up right now. I’d be a danger to you.’
‘But you might feel differently one day?’ There was a pleading tone in her voice now that made her cringe inside.
‘Oui, I might. But I can’t make that promise and it wouldn’t be fair to ask you to wait in the hope things would change for me. I need my freedom right now and you need something I can’t give you—stability. Don’t wait for me. I’m sure the best person for you will walk into your life when you most need him to.’
‘You already did, Julien.’ Her voice broke on his name.
He shook his head and backed away from her, the expression in his eyes hard with determination. ‘Non, Indigo. I think you’re an amazing woman and at another time in my life maybe we could have had something really special, but not now.’
She moved towards him, desperate not to leave things this way between them. ‘You can’t beat yourself up forever because of one bad relationship.’
‘I’m sorry, Indigo, I have nothing else to offer you right now.’ He held up the envelope, then dropped his hand again as if he felt frustrated to still be holding it.
The pause seemed to go on forever as she swallowed and swallowed and swallowed down the pain.
‘Okay then, go, if that’s what you think is best,’ she finally managed to say.
He gave her one last nod, then turned and walked away, taking her very last hope for a future together with him.
She wanted to weep—for what could have been if only they’d met at another time.
How was it possible to feel like this for Julien after such a short amount of time? It seemed incredible that it was only a week since he’d come storming into her life with his reluctant heroism and inimitable strength.
But who you fell in love with wasn’t something you could control.
And she had fallen in love with him. Desperately and completely.
But now she had to let him go.
* * *
There was something very fitting about the rough assault of waves against his boat, Julien reflected as he fought to keep the vessel on course through a sudden and ferocious storm that had swept in without warning the following day. It harmonised well with the raging confusion of emotions in his head.
This holiday was meant to punctuate a difficult and painful time in his life, to give him a definite end to the way it was then, but, to his utter frustration, it only seemed to have started a new chapter.
During his time with Indigo he’d begun to sense a difference in himself. Somehow she’d managed to pop the bubble that had been preventing him from feeling anything, bringing everything into razor-sharp focus.
The flip side of that was that he now felt everything. So acutely it made his chest ache.
He spent the next couple of days after the storm taking mental breaths whilst gliding slowly through the now peaceful waters, sailing past the looming greatness of Vesuvius, then onward towards his final destination, Naples, where he was to leave the boat and board a plane back to Paris.
Back to reality.
Not that this holiday hadn’t been very real. In fact, it had probably ended up being more stressful than a week’s work would have been, just for very different reasons.
Or, more precisely, one reason.
Not allowing himself to be with Indigo.
When he’d seen the look of appeal on her face, just before he’d turned away from her, he’d known in that split second what was causing the painful ache in his chest.
Love.
A fierce and irrepressible love for her.
It had shaken him to his core. Which was why he’d walked away and kept on walking until he was back on his boat, then back out to sea, putting a whole body of water between them.
He’d told himself at the time that he was leaving so she didn’t get hurt, but he knew he’d only hurt her more. He’d seen it in her eyes and in the slump of her shoulders—the grief for something that could have been so good.
Thinking about it now, he realised he’d treated her with a total lack of respect by trying to buy his absolution.
How could he have thought that the way to make her happy was to give her money? How crass and unthinking he’d been. He knew now he couldn’t buy her happiness or respect; he had to earn it with his actions, by giving her something of himself.
Which was a terrifying thought after what had happened with Celine. But then wasn’t that the point? Real love was never easy; it was complex and sticky and downright rough sometimes.
He knew now that he hadn’t been in love with Celine—in lust, sure—and he’d married her because he believed it was the right thing to do at the time. But the way he felt about Indigo wasn’t wrapped up in sex or lust or duty; it was based on how he felt about himself when he was with her.
She’d made him come alive.
In the dark hours of the night, tossing and turning as sleep eluded him, he pictured her back in London, filling her days working at the café, l
aughing and joking with her colleagues, then perhaps going on a date with a man she’d met, the sparkle returning to her eyes as he lavished the praise and attention on her that she deserved.
The thought of someone else taking care of her made his stomach lurch with anxiety.
Indigo would be fine without him because she was a fighter. It was one of the things he loved about her.
But would he be all right without her?
Okay, so meeting Indigo right now wasn’t great timing, but then what in life ever really was?
And at least this time being with her would be his choice.
Fuelled by the fervour of his revelation, he quickly plotted a course that would get him to Naples ahead of schedule, then picked up his phone, intent on getting himself out of Italy as fast as possible in order to set a new plan in motion.
He knew now that being here alone had been a pilgrimage to nothing. He’d thought he wanted his freedom—but it didn’t feel the way he’d thought it would. It felt empty. And silent. And lonely.
A pyrrhic victory.
He’d thought he could go back to the way things used to be, before Celine, but trying to go backwards was a big mistake.
What he needed was a fresh start.
Finally, there was clarity in his mind. He missed Indigo. He loved her. He’d let her go.
And now he was going to get her back.
CHAPTER TEN
London is a vibrant and forward-looking city, ever evolving, with an exciting new encounter just waiting for you at every turn...
One week later
INDIGO WIPED HER hands on her apron and looked round at the eclectic gathering of local people who had turned up for her early evening cookery course, despite the torrential rain.
Her feet throbbed and her back ached from being on her feet all day, but her insides burned with satisfied warmth as she perused the table full of nutritious, delicious-smelling food that her class had produced in just half an hour—which they’d easily be able to replicate at home.
One Week with the French Tycoon Page 12
