A Monk's Tail

by Kyle Spencer

  “M-my hands!” He gasps. “I can’t feel my hands!” A sharp tug cleaves off his hands at the wrists with a crystalline chink! I twist around to look him in his eyes as I reach down between my knees and grab him. “Oh, oh p-please don’t! Don’t! O-oh! Oh Gods, I can’t feel it! I can’t-“

  It snaps off like an icicle hanging from a windowsill.

  Both assailants are now passed out. I should probably call for a doctor before those two thaw and bleed out. I shakily stand to my feet, feeling much colder now. But oh, the rush! That thrill of combat I haven’t felt in so long! “Focus, Talia!” I come to my senses and look around. Oh! The monk! I cautiously make my way over to the crumpled lump in the middle of the alley. Shoving my paw in front of his nose, I can feel the tiniest of breaths. I don’t know how, but he’s alive. “Alright you. You’re gonna be okay. But first I’m gonna need to borrow your clothes for a bit. I’m pretty damn cold right now.”

  Convalescing

  池の上

  水泡上がる

  河童の屁

  On top of a pond

  Bubbles rise

  A kappa’s fart

  - Haiku from Master Bushi

  “You’re lying.” I crinkle my nose and stick my tongue out.

  “Nuh-uh!” Genta looks at me and pulls down his lower right eyelid.

  “Yeah-huh! Nothing lives in that pond! Master Taibou said so!”

  “Fine. If you’re so sure than go down and stand in it. Waist. Deep.” The other trainees gasp. No one goes anywhere near that pond let alone actually goes in it. Well, except for Master Bushi, who scares everyone. There is a story that has been whispered down from master to trainee, then from trainee to other trainees, that tells of a young student who decided to go for a swim late at night against his master’s orders. No one knows exactly what happened that fateful night - the student simply vanished. Two days later the body reappeared, bloated and floating on the surface of the pond. His intestines had been pulled out of his butt. According to the masters, only one such thing could bring about such a horrible fate: a kappa.

  “Fine!” I shoot back. With a quick about-face, my legs carry me down to the pond before my brain registers the stupid thing I’m doing. Behind me trails a line of monks-in-training, some older but most younger. My feet begin to goosh in the thick brown muck that marks the edge of the pond. The water mirrors the sky, shining a beautiful blue with speckles of white puffs. But as everyone at the monastery knows, the pond is deep. And deep things always have secrets.

  With paws on my hips in a heroic pose (I hope), I lift one foot high and let it hang there for a second. The tension behind me is thick as everyone holds their breath; the only sound is an impatient huff from Genta.

  Gasps fly as my toe breaks the mirror surface of the pond. The water is cold and my whole body shivers from the shock. The bottom is smooth and rocky and slick. Carefully I shift my weight onto a slimy rock. Fortunately, I don’t slip and bust my butt. My grin spreads from ear to ear and I turn to share it with Genta...who’s grinning right back at me. In his paw is a chain of green tube-things tied together with string.

  “Don’t forget this.” He tosses it to me. I look down at the item, puzzled. What am I supposed to do with a string of cucumbers? Genta answers, “Kappa like cucumbers, so I made you a belt of them. Try it on. It should fit.”

  That butthead! “This wasn’t part of the deal.” I growl.

  “Well if they don’t exist, then it shouldn’t be a problem.” He smirks back.

  Stupid Genta and his stupid logic. I tie the belt off and carefully wade deeper. The little green vegetables (or are they fruits?) float up around my belly. I try to look down at my feet but only see what Master Roshi calls a “mask of mischief”. Oh well, I’m waist deep now. Suck on that, Gen-

  Something brushed my foot. Something brushed my foot! The fur on the back of my neck stands straight up as I try to not scramble out of the pond in an embarrassing panic. I slowly turn back to the crowd, arms spread out wide. My left foot slips a little on the slime but I’m able to stay upright.

  “See?” I muster all my bravado. The younger trainees look at me with wide eyes. Yup. Instant hero. Even the older ones look impressed. Suck on that too, Genta. “There’s no such thing as a -”

  ‘Kappa’ is what I wanted to say. What I actually say is ‘blrglmrglgrgl!’ as something wraps around my ankle and quickly pulls me under. While the surface of this pond is bright and sunny and cheerful, underneath is anything but. It’s dark and cold and really, really dark. Something bony and strong pinches my shoulder and pushes me down further into the depths. Panic forces any air out of my lungs in dozens of bubbles, clouding what little vision I had. Down, down, further I’m dragged. My lungs burn. My eyes burn. And the only thing I can think is: This is all your fault, Genta. Although to be fair I should’ve known better.

  Deep things do hold secrets.

  “Fucking cucumbers!” I sit with a start, only to have sharp stabby pains lay me low again. Holy shit, its been awhile since I’ve had the Kappa Dream. And that’s never a good sign. I get my breathing back in check to try and stop the piercing in my stomach. No dice.

  My surroundings slowly break through the haze. I must be in some hospital; the room is sparse and stark white. There’s the rather uncomfortable bed I'm laying on, a desk, a dresser, aaaaaand that’s it. Not even a - oh, and also a lamp. But not even a mirror. Yup, definitely a hospital - complete with cute nurse.

  A cute...firefox nurse. Wait-wait-wait. Not a nurse. A nun? She’s wearing a simple white habit dress thing that seems a bit too big for her. Still cute though. Cute smile with hot whisky eyes, although I think she might be laughing at me.

  “Cucumbers, huh?” She says. “Haven’t heard that one before.”

  “Long story.” I wince as I try to get up again with no luck. “So why am I naked and bandaged lying in a nun’s bed? Did I miss something fun?” I try my most charming voice but it just comes out as a series of wheezes. She really did a number on me.

  “You could say that.” She gives me a sly smile and a wink. I smile back.

  “Was it good?” I ask, already knowing the answer: Of course it was good.

  “Of course it was good.” Her tail shivers at the thought. So sexy. “Riiiight up to the point where you got stabbed.”

  “Wait. What?”

  “Twice.” She holds up two fingers, still smiling.

  “Okay…either I completely misread this entire conversation or you’re into some really freaky shit.” I gently prod my wounds as she rolls her eyes and gives me the you’re one of those guys look. I hold up my paws. “Just sayin’.” Again with the eye roll, this time followed by a brief account of last night. “Huh. Yeah, that makes sense. So who do I owe the pleasure of thanking for saving my life?”

  “I’m Talia.”

  “Talia…”

  “Just Talia.”

  “Fair enough. I’m Bow. Just Bow.”

  “That name suits you.”

  “How?”

  “Just does. I’m going to redress your wounds now. Try not to make any noise; no one else knows your here and if you’re found out-”

  “I’m quite familiar with the loose lips of nuns.” I smirk.

  I pay for that comment with a very rough handling of my stab wounds along with a very liberal application of what Talia claims is antiseptic but feels like liquid Helfire.

  “I deserved that.” I wipe away a thin trickle of tears. Talia nods in agreement.

  “You’re going to have to stay here for the next couple of days so I can make sure it's healing properly and isn’t infected.”

  “If that’s the case someone is definitely going to find me here.”

  She shrugs. “I’ll make up something. You being a monk helps.”

  “Am I allowed visitors?”

  Her eyebrows furrow. “What kind of visitors?”

  “Two friends. They live in the middle of Old Town.”

  “You wouldn�
�t be talking about Professor Archeleus Zott, Alchemist Extraordinaire, would you?”

  “You know him?” I can’t contain my surprise.

  “I know of him. I’ll ask one of the other sisters if they can send a message today and have them come over.”

  “Thanks.” I close my eyes as sleep suddenly tries to hijack my body. But something is bouncing around in my brain, stopping me from going under. “Say, what happened to you?”

  “What do you mean?” Talia had gotten up and gone to her desk, but now she’s stopped in her tracks.

  “You said there were two aurox. How did you walk away without a scratch?”

  “In a big city like this, even a nun has to learn to defend herself.” She does that cute winky thing again and I lie back to let sleep take me. Except just before I black out there’s a loud knock on the door. Talia turns into a statue. Seconds pass. Then another knock.

  “Sister Talia? Are you in there?” The voice behind the door asks. Talia winces and turns to me. ‘Stay covered’ she mouths and tiptoes over to the door.

  “Is that you Sister Celeste?”

  “It is. May I come in?”

  “Oh. Uh...not right now. I’m...uh...very ill and uh…” Talia winces at the lameness of her excuse.

  “Oh dear! If you’re that sick then let me take care of you-oh!” The door creaks open to reveal a stunned sheep. Her wool is as white as her habit and bright lemon eyes stare at me. “You have a, uh, another firefox in your bed and, umm…” Her eyes never leave me and she bites her lower lip. “...who is also completely naked.”

  “What?” Talia turns around. “Are you serious?” She hisses. “The one thing I asked you not to do! And you do it!”

  I ignore her. “My name’s Bow. And yours?”

  “S-sister Celeste. It’s a penis to meet you.”

  “It’s a penis to meet you too.” I smile. There are few things better in this world than watching someone’s face when they realize the embarrassing thing they just said. Even Celeste’s wool turns red.

  “Oh my! Well, um, yes, you two seem busy. I’ll j-just get going then.” She turns to leave but a strong red paw grasps her arm.

  “Listen, sister. So I might’ve stayed out past curfew last night-”

  “Well, there’s a surprise.” Celeste says this with the same loving sarcasm a big sister would have when chastising her younger sibling.

  “And I got jumped by two brutes.”

  “Oh my heavens are you okay!”

  “Fine. Fine. Bow here tried to stopped them and got stabbed for his efforts.”

  “Hmm...cute and chivalrous.” The sheep mumbles (or at least tries to) under her breath.

  “What was that?” Talia ask, knowing full well what that was.

  “Nothing! Nothing please continue.”

  “So I brought him back here to take care of him. Please don’t tell anyone else.” Talia pouts out her lip. Celeste’s eyes lazily drift towards me and she slowly nods her head. “Thank you. By the way, are you heading into town today?”

  “Yes.”

  “Alone?”

  “Yes…”

  “I have a favor to ask. I need you to send a message to some people in Old Town.”

  ***

  “You stupid, stupid ass!” Tiny gloved fists pound on my chest, drawing the taste of copper into my mouth. Finally, Talia pries Susi off me. Tears flow down the little maus’ cheeks and Leena dangles around her neck in the now-open vial. Archy leans against the desk with his giant white paws folded over his chest. Fresh char marks line his cheeks and a faint goggle ring outlines his eyes. He doesn’t look too pleased with me either.

  “Come along dear,” Celeste wraps a reassuring arm around the Susi’s shoulders and leads her out the door, “let’s get you a nice mug of apple juice and some of Sister Zela’s raspberry treacle.”

  When the door closes behind them Archy finally slides off his perch and walks over to my bedside. He puts a paw on my shoulder and squeezes not so gently. “She cares about you. And so do I. Stop doing stupid shit.” He reminds me - not so gently.

  “To be fair it was in my defense.” Talia shrinks back a bit from the monster of a bear.

  “Very true, but I know what he is capable of when he is sober. And if that was case he would not be in bed right now.” Archy’s eyes narrow while Talia’s widen. I shrug sheepishly and Archy sighs. “Either way, it is good that you are alive and I thank you, Miss Talia, for taking care of my friend. If there is any way I can repay your kindness please do not hesitate to ask.” He gives me a suspicious glance and leans in close to Talia and whispers something. She giggles and nods.

  “Of course he did. Nonstop since he woke. But he’s not my type anyways. Sister Celeste on the other hand…”

  Without even looking in my direction, Zott smacks me upside the head.

  “You deserved that.” He says, still not looking at me but cracking a smile nonetheless.

  “I’ll let you know when I don’t.” I smile back and sink into my pillow. “Now I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave, seeing as how I’m wounded and sleepy.”

  Archy nods and tussles my hair a bit. He and Talia head towards the door. “Talia can stay though.” I say quickly.

  “I’m not missing Sister Zela’s treacle for the world.” She replies.

  “Can I have some treacle?” I say in my most pitiful voice.

  “Awww, sorry. But you’re too wounded and sleepy for that. G’night.” She winks and a tiny nub of a tongue pokes out of her mouth before closing the door behind her.

  I think I’m in love.

  ***

  “Bow! Bow! Wake up!” Large paws gently shake me awake. Standing over me looking ghostly in the dim green light of a luxorb lamp are the faces of Archy, Talia, Susi, and Celeste.

  “*Yaawwwwwn*...I was having the most wonderful dream,” I point to the two nuns, “And you were there. And you were there.” Susi bops me on the nose as the sheep adds a tinge of crimson to her green.

  “Shut up you dope!” The maus hisses. “Something bad is happening out there!”

  “Bad? What do you mean bad this is a conven-” A faint scream drifts through the door only to be cut short. “Oh shit that’s bad.” The pitterpat of frantic running crosses outside our door every minute or two. Archy covers the lamp and our room is drenched in darkness. I close my eyes, not worried about trying to adjust them to the absolute black. Instead I focus on the breathing in the room. Susi: faint and rapid like a trickling stream; Archy: deep and rumbling like the low roll of the ocean; Celeste: frantic and heaving like the gale before a storm; Talia:...nothing. I hear nothing from her. The Hel?

  There’s another scream right outside our door followed by a long scrape of someone dragging a sword along a stone floor. The scraping stops and the screaming turns to gurgles, then a thud. “Hey, Archy?” All the moisture leaves my mouth. “You wouldn’t happen to have brought any of my things, would you?”

  “Shh!” Talia spits. The scraping start again, this time on the door itself. Long, jagged screeches start from the very top and zigzag to the bottom. Once, twice, three times until they stop. Click-click. Click. The handle to the door rattles. “It’s okay. I locked it.” Talia whispers.

  As if on cue there’s a final kachunk! and the door slowly creaks open. The hallway outside is pitch black; all the lanterns must’ve been covered or broken. The nauseating smell of blood and rotting fruit rolls in as a small hunched shadow steps into the doorway. It carefully shuffles in. Each step brings forth the same metallic scraping from the hallway. Near Talia’s desk it stops and sniffs the air.

  Then it chirps. In other circumstances it would sound almost whimsical, tiny sputters and chitters and cricket-chirps, but here each new sound emitted seems to lead this thing closer and closer to my bed - and the five of us crowding it. I quietly grope for the lamp cover and tightly hold on to the cloth.

  The shadow creeps closer with a rhythmic sniff-chirp-step, sniff-chirp-step, until i
t reaches the foot of the bed. Carefully it climbs up. Maybe it really is a shadow; I can barely feel its weight as it crosses over towards us. But I can sure smell the blood hot and fresh on its breath. When it reaches about a foot from us I hold out the lantern and rip away the covering.

  “You’re not real.” Talia whispers. Celeste screams. Susi, Archy, and I suck in our breath. The bat staggers back at the sudden shockwave of sound. Its large ears and tiny leaf-shaped nose wiggle and it shrieks a high-pitched wail. Four stiletto teeth drip crimson and its brown fur is matted and caked in blood. Two strips of charred cloth cross over its eyes in a large black ‘X’. After its initial shock it extends its wings out. Metal tips cap the end of each of its long claws. With another shriek it lunges for us, mouth open wide. But instead of someone’s vein, it gets a mouthful of metal as it bites down on the head of a large hammer. Without hesitation, the professor swings the hammer around (with the bat still biting the end of it and still shrieking) into the stone wall behind us. A wet splotchy crunch ends the cries. Zott jiggles the hammerhead free and turns to us.

  “I thought hammer might come in handy.”

  “Я люблю тебя.” I smile.

  “Yes yes, I know.” He smiles back. “But now I think we must leave. Да?”

  “Oh my gods what was that thing?” Celeste’s shaking rattles the whole bed. Talia places the sheep’s head on her shoulder and rocks gently. She looks at me: Is this really happening?

  “Well if my folklore is correct,” I start, “Then that was a Ko’mori. Basically they’re vampyre assassins.” I hope the rest of the folklore isn’t true; anyone bit by a Ko’mori becomes their thrall - a ravening, raging lunatic that viciously attacks anyone they see. “But Archy’s right; we need to leave. Now. So I’ll just hop out of bed aaaaand lie right back down.” Stars and spots of every color explode in my vision as my wounds let me know that they still exist in the worst possible way.

  “Yup, you’re not getting out of here on your own.” Talia shimmies over to my right side. “Sister, take his left side. Alright everyone, I know a somewhat secret way out of here. It’s what I use sometimes when I sneak out for game night.”