Elaine Viets & Victoria Laurie, Nancy Martin, Denise Swanson - Drop-Dead Blonde (v5.0) (pdf)

by Drop-Dead Blonde (epub)

  Ten minutes later drenched people were trooping out the bar door, and Simon, Bunny, and Charlie were tying up the male Marilyn Monroe. Bunny had contributed her panty hose, Simon his necktie, and Charlie his belt to se- cure the impersonator.

  After making sure everyone who was supposed to leave actually did, and that the fighting was not going to start up again, Skye put down the hose and turned her attention to the guy tied to the chair. She poked him in the shoulder with her finger. ``The FBI picked up the disks this morning. You're too late, buddy.''

  ``Disks? I ain't after no disks. And my name's not Buddy; it's Lance.''

  Bunny pushed Skye aside, sloshing water as she moved. ``Where's Ruby?''

  ``Gimme the ring and the letters and I'll tell you where the old broad is.'' Lance sneered, attempting to look tough but failing. A man wearing a wet evening gown and a nylon stocking on his head loses a lot of his ability to appear dangerous.

  Skye looked at Bunny and demanded, ``What's he talk- ing about?''

  Bunny pushed a sheaf of wet hair from her face, spraying everyone in her immediate vicinity like a lawn sprinkler. ``I have no idea. Honest.''

  ``Forget it; he's just stalling,'' Charlie said to the women, and then hit the kidnapper on the side of the head with his open palm. ``Where's Ruby?''

  Lance howled. ``Police brutality!''

  Simon smiled darkly. ``Charlie's not a cop. And if you don't tell us where Ruby is, he'll beat it out of you.'' 240 Denise Swanson

  Skye thought Simon was bluffing about Charlie's inclina- tion toward violence, but the kidnapper wasn't sure. He eyed the big man, whose fists were clenched and lips were drawn back in a snarl.

  ``Enough of this.'' Before Skye, Simon, or Charlie could react, Bunny grabbed Lance by his family jewels and twisted. ``Tell me what you did with Ruby, or the next time you sing in the church choir, you'll be a soprano.''

  The man let out a shriek, then gasped as Bunny tightened her grasp. ``Vacant factory . . . edge of town . . . office . . . but she might already be gone.'' Bunny gasped, but did not release her grip on Lance's privates. ``What do you mean?''

  ``The guy who hired me was sending someone to pick up the old broad. I was supposed to stay behind and get the letters and ring.''

  ``She'd better still be there or you're going to spend the rest of your life as a eunuch.'' Bunny gave one more twist before letting go; then she wiped her hands on her dress and ordered, ``Charlie, you and Sonny Boy stay here with Lance. Skye, get the car.''

  Skye hesitated, meeting Simon's eyes and asking, ``Isn't it time to call the police?''

  Before he could answer, a female voice from the door- way said, ``Did you all throw a party and forget to invite me?''

  ``How did you get here?'' Lance squeaked, apparently still feeling the effect of Bunny's interrogation methods. Ruby shot him a dirty look and snapped, ``You better just shut up or I'll scalp you. You made me miss the Marilyn Monroe look-alike contest.''

  Lance sneered. ``I'm such a better Marilyn than you any- way. You're too fat to do Marilyn the right way.''

  Ruby huffed. ``I do the queen-size version, and I could have mopped the floor with you.''

  Before he could retort, Bunny ran over and hugged her friend. ``Ruby! You're not dead.''

  ``The rumors of my death have been highly exaggerated.'' Ruby pried herself away from Bunny's soggy embrace. ``Why are you soaking wet?''

  Everyone began to explain at the same time. Finally Skye managed to get the others to quiet down, and filled Ruby in on the evening's activities. She concluded with, ``What DEAD BLONDES TELL NO TALES 241 ring and letters is he talking about? I thought he was after the disks.''

  ``So did I, at first.'' Ruby pulled out a chair and sat down. ``But it turns out the casino owners didn't send him. My

  � fiance's son-in-law did.''

  ``Who?'' Bunny asked.

  ``Why?'' Skye got right to the point.

  Charlie and Simon were silent, perplexed looks on both their faces.

  Ruby stared pointedly at the bar. ``Someone make me a martini and I'll explain as much as I know.''

  ``Make mine a double and I'll fill in the rest.'' A tall, handsome man in his sixties stood framed in the doorway.

  Ruby leaped out of her chair and threw herself into his arms. ``Darling, how did you get here?''

  ``When this dunderhead kidnapped you, he called my son- in-law to report that he had you. My daughter overheard her husband arranging to send someone to kill you, and she told me everything. I boarded the next plane to Chicago.''

  Everyone tried to talk at once, and Skye thought she would need to resort to the hose for a second time that day. Instead, she put two fingers in her mouth and let out a piercing whistle. In the ensuing silence she said, ``Why don't we just let Mr. . . . ?''

  ``Masterson,'' Ruby supplied. ``Everyone, this is my fi-

  � ance, Archie Masterson.''

  Skye nodded and completed her sentence, ``. . . Mr. Mas- terson and Ruby tell us everything from the beginning.'' Skye turned to the blonde and directed, ``Ruby, you start from when Lance kidnapped you.''

  ``The kids at the Easter-egg hunt were so loud, and I had a horrible headache, so I decided to sit outside until it was

  � all over.'' Ruby clung to her fiance. ``When the Easter Bunny came up to me, I thought it was Charlie, but then he pulled a gun and demanded I give him the ring and the letters. I refused and he tore the apartment apart. Luckily I had put the ring and most of the letters in my safe-deposit box before leaving Las Vegas. I managed to slam a lamp across his face, but he didn't drop the gun, and when he couldn't find what he wanted he forced me to go with him.''

  ``That explains the blood,'' Bunny murmured. ``We were worried it was yours.'' 242 Denise Swanson

  ``Nope. That sucker's nose bled like a stuck pig.''

  ``You almost broke it. If I'm too disfigured to do my act, I'm going to sue you.'' Lance whined until Bunny made a squeezing motion with her hand.

  ``Why did he want your ring, and what letters are you talking about?'' Skye asked, getting more and more con- fused. ``What act?''

  ``I'm able to solve the first part of the mystery.'' Archie smiled, displaying straight white teeth under a clipped gray mustache. ``When Ruby consented to be my bride, I gave her the Masterson diamond as an engagement ring. The letters are no doubt from me to Ruby declaring my love and intention to marry her.''

  Skye was entranced with Archie's slight accent; it wasn't quite British, but what was it? She shook her head. She wasn't going to let his charm distract her from getting the whole story. ``And?''

  Archie sighed. ``And when I told my daughter about my engagement to Ruby, and she told her husband, my twit of a son-in-law was afraid Ruby's rather vivid past would leak out and ruin his chances to become governor of Nevada.'' Archie's blue eyes twinkled and he winked at Ruby. ``What he really should be afraid of is that my past might get out.''

  Ruby swatted him playfully and giggled. ``Oh, Archie.''

  Skye ignored the interruption, intent on getting this whole thing settled once and for all. ``So he hired this goon to get back the ring and the letters,'' she guessed.

  ``Exactly. They're the only physical evidence that we plan to marry. Once he had them, his next step was to have someone get rid of Ruby. He fooled my daughter into giv- ing him the phone number here, ferreted out Ruby's loca- tion, and sicced this cretin on her.''

  Skye turned to Ruby. ``How did you get away from the factory? Didn't he have you tied up?''

  ``I could have gotten free from the ropes anytime--re- member I was married to both a contortionist and a magi- cian--but I had to wait until he left me alone.'' Ruby shook her head. ``Luckily, I was already free and walking down the road when the next thug showed up or I'd be dead right now. I hid behind a tree and watched. The new guy was a professional, and had his gun drawn as he went into the building. He was ready to shoot me.'' DEAD BLONDES TELL NO TALES 243

  Archie hugged her as everyone else made soun
ds of distress.

  Finally, Skye said, ``There's only one thing I still don't understand.''

  ``What?'' Ruby and Archie asked together.

  ``How Lance just happen to have all the costumes handy to disguise himself all week.''

  Everyone's eyes turned to the guy tied to the chair. He shrugged. ``There part of my act. I'm not really a crook, but I owed Mr. Masterson's son-in-law a favor, and Mr. Carretti called it in. In my real life, I do a show at the Majestic Casino impersonating dead movie stars.''

  Charlie grunted, unimpressed. ``What are we going to do with this guy?''

  ``Turn him over to Wally,'' Skye said firmly.

  Lance cringed. ``Mr. Carretti's going to kill me.''

  ``Don't worry.'' Bunny patted his shoulder. ``Maybe Wally can put you into the witless protection program."

  Skye snorted, not sure if the redhead knew what she had just said. Either way, Skye was glad that school would be starting up again on Monday and that this was her last day working at the bowling alley. Dealing with hormonal teenagers had to be easier than this past week with crazy Bunny and her even crazier friend. Read on for an excerpt from

  Denise Swanson's next

  Scumble River mystery

  Murder of a Smart Cookie

  Coming from Signet in July 2005 Chapter 1

  To Tell the Truth Cookie Caldwell died the third Sunday in August, and the Scumble River First Annual Route 66 Yard Sale almost died with her. She had lived in town only a few years, and no one seemed to really know her. This isolation would suggest that no one would have a reason to murder her, but obviously that supposition would be incorrect.

  Cookie's death raised a lot of question. Two of the most puzzling ones were: What had she been doing at the Deni- son/Leofanti booth in the middle of the night, and how had a piece of jewelry managed to kill her?

  For the next week, until the crime was solved, these ques- tions were asked over and over again on the TV news, while a picture of Cookie stuffed into Grandma Denison's old Art Deco liquor cabinet, one hand thrust out as if she had tried to claw her way to freedom, flickered on the screen.

  The Heart land TV channel had been on location taping a program about the Route 66 Yard Sale, and thus man- aged to get exclusive footage of the postdiscovery activities. While the other news stations managed to get a shot of Cookie's body, Heartland's film clip included a group of locals who were ignoring the dead woman and arguing amongst themselves. It was not an attractive depiction of the citizens of Scumble River, Illinois. It was an especially unflattering portrayal of its mayor, Dante Leofanti.

  Leofanti's niece, Skye Denison, didn't look much better. Playing tug-of-war with her uncle over Cookie's purse was not the image she wanted to project as the town's school psychologist.

  Even though her profession had nothing to do with her

  247 248 Excerpt from Murder of a Smart Cookie involvement in the mess being broadcasted via HTV into homes across the Midwest, the reporters tended to play up her occupation in their stories. That, and the fact that she had solved several of Scumble River's previous murder cases.

  If the journalists had dug a little deeper, they would have discovered that it wasn't her full-time job, but how Skye spent her summer vacation, that had gotten her into the purse-wrestling predicament. However the media tended to focus on the here and now, even though the real story started nearly eight weeks ago, after Skye had already lost two summer jobs and was forced into accepting a third.

  The first loss of employment was due to geese with loose bowels and poor toilet habits, and the second was because of her inability to keep her mouth shut. It was too bad that the only job she had been able to keep came with a dead body attached to it. BLIND SIGHTED

  A PSYCHIC EYE MYSTERY

  VICTORIA LAURIE Chapter 1

  As I joined the cattle call to baggage claim, and pushed against the throng of people trudging their way through Tampa International Airport, all I could think was, if Abel was even half the pain in the butt my sister was, he defi- nitely had it coming.

  Now, that isn't to say that I don't think Cain should have at least counted to ten, like I was trying to do, but maybe Abel was a meddler, just like my sister. And perhaps, even though Cain had repeatedly told him to back off, Abel de- cided to stick his nose into his brother's business one to many times--thus deserving a good wallop on the noggin after all.

  ``Abby!'' I heard across the lobby.

  ``Speak of the devil,'' I muttered as I cocked an eyebrow in my sister's direction.

  ``Abby!'' she repeated, waving at me like a prom queen. ``Over here!'' I waved back with far less enthusiasm and mumbled, ``Seven, eight, nine, ten,'' under my breath.

  Nope. No good. I still wanted to kill her. It didn't really matter that I was angrier with myself for being suckered when I should have known better; at the moment, I was too focused on giving my sister what-for. Squaring my shoulders, I grabbed my blue suitcase and duffle bag off the turnstile and began marching with purpose in her direction. Before I could get to her, however, I smacked right into a pair of bodacious ta-tas the size of cantaloupes.

  ``Excuse me!'' I said as my duffle bag bounced off the cleavage and off my shoulder to land on the floor.

  ``Watch where you're going!'' an angry voice snapped back at me.

  251 252 Victoria Laurie

  Quickly I grabbed my duffel and righted myself, red with embarrassment and wanting to make amends. But as I looked up at the owner of the cantaloupes, I nearly thought better of it.

  The ta-tas belonged to exactly the kind of woman who makes my upper lip snarl in distaste. Her hair was blond, a shade of platinum one tint shy of albino, shoulder length, with bangs that bounced when she blinked her heavily mas- caraed eyelashes. She looked to be in her mid to late thir- ties, with enough collagen, Botox, and silicone pumped into her to make her the next Bionic Woman. Her face was square and angular, except for her lips, which puffed out unnaturally, probably due to a recent injection.

  She towered over me by about four inches, but that could have been the red stilettos talking, and she was dressed in a skintight black minidress that showed off legs better kept hidden. The dress was also cut low enough in the front to give the cantaloupes plenty of sunlight--to ripen, I guess.

  Snuggled between her cleavage was a huge crystal of the diamond variety, which, because of its gargantuan size, I could only assume was fake, but the Gucci bag on her arm and the mink coat around her shoulders were definitely real. Good thinking, I mused, bringing a full-length mink down to Florida. I mean, who knows when the next Ice Age is going to hit?

  ``I'm sorry,'' I said tightly as the woman stood over me, her hands on hips and those huge fishy lips puffed out in a frown.

  ``You need to look where you're going!'' she barked.

  ``Okay,'' I said, reining in my temper. There was only so much of this I was going to take. ``Again, I'm sorry about that.''

  ``Mother?'' a voice called from behind Fish Lips, ``are you all right?''

  ``I'm fine, Gerald,'' she said turning slightly so that I could see the man who had just walked up behind her.

  My eyes widened as he came into view. I would never have guessed in a million years that these two were related. Gerald looked the same age, as if not older than, his mother. He was short, stocky and tubby around the middle. He had dark brown hair, a bulbous nose, and some sort of BLIND SIGHTED 253 bright red rash that was making its way along his arms, which were lightly smeared with white cream.

  ``Are you sure?'' he asked putting a concerned hand on her arm.

  ``Get away from me with that poison ivy!'' she spat at him, and instantly he retrieved his arm.

  Ah, now I knew the source of the rash. ``Listen,'' I said to the two of them, ``I'm sorry I bumped into you.''

  ``Fine, now move along and get out of my way,'' she said testily.

  Gee, no invite to spend the holidays together? Sheesh.

  Just as I stepped out of the way to let her pass, however, I he
ard a buzz, buzz, buzz in the back of my mind. Oh, crap! I thought. You have got to be kidding!

  ``Uh,'' I stammered as she moved to step in front of me. ``Wait a second,'' I said quickly and thrust out my arm to bar her passage.

  With a snarl she regarded me the way you might eye a mosquito right before smashing it into oblivion. ``What is it now?''

  ``Did you just come in from out West, like from Califor- nia or something?''

  ``Excuse me?'' she asked, looking at me oddly.