Where Yesterday Lives

by Karen Kingsbury

  Everyone in the Barrett family remained silent, waiting.

  “Now—” the man said, reaching into his desk drawer and retrieving a leather-bound catalogue—“these are the coffins we can have available for the Saturday funeral. Whatever you choose, it can be here by morning. Of course…there’s a wide price range.”

  He paused and looked at their mother. “Did you have some idea of your price range?”

  Ellen squirmed and hugged herself tightly. Her stomach was beginning to hurt.

  “Yes, we’d like to stay under three thousand dollars, if that’s possible.”

  The man nodded quickly. “Definitely. Very possible.” He flipped open the book and thumbed to the back section. “We have a wide variety of oak and walnut caskets in that range. Of course the price goes up depending on the definition and degree of difficulty in the engraving on the wood.”

  He flipped from one page to another, quietly allowing their mother to see for herself the many designs. Amy sighed softly and stared out a small window at the sunlit afternoon outside while Megan crossed her legs and nervously tapped her foot up and down. Each of them waited for their mother to say something.

  Mom looked from one page to another and then directed Mr. Whitson to flip back to the first model he’d shown her.

  “What’s the difference, Mom?” Aaron’s voice was loud and disagreeable as he broke the silence. He obviously did not care if he embarrassed her.

  Ellen felt sorry for their mother. Mr. Whitson was too clinical, too businesslike. They weren’t buying a new refrigerator after all, they were trying to bury their father and get on with their lives. A sales pitch on types of wood was unnecessary. Still, her brother’s attitude was only making the task more difficult.

  “No one’s going to see it,” Aaron continued. “What’s the big deal?”

  Mr. Whitson cleared his throat and discreetly excused himself for a drink of water. “I’ll be back in ten minutes. Why don’t you talk about it and we’ll see what we can work out.”

  He disappeared and Mom looked wearily at Aaron.

  “Your father was not a wealthy man, Aaron. He was not an important man by the world’s standards and certainly not a famous man. But I’d like to see him buried as comfortably as possible.”

  “That’s disgusting,” Jane blurted. “He’s dead, Mom. Good night! How can you talk about him being comfortable.”

  “That’s not what I mean. I’m talking about his body. The coffin is his final resting place and I think it should be as nice as possible.”

  Ellen looked at her mother tenderly. “If that’s what you want, Mom, and if you think that’s what Dad would have wanted, I say get the best casket you can afford. It isn’t time to be cheap.”

  “Oh, Ellen, that’s ridiculous,” Jane hissed. She turned to her mother, speaking like she would to one of her children. “I agree with Aaron. It’s a waste of money I say get the cheapest one there is and use the rest of the money to buy him a nice tombstone, something we could at least see. The coffin will be underground, for heaven’s sake.”

  “With that logic, a tombstone’s not worth wasting money on, either,” Ellen mused aloud. “It’s just an oversized rock. We don’t need a larger one than normal to remember him. At least I don’t.”

  Jane rolled her eyes. “Do you always have to have the last word, Ellen? Why don’t you be quiet and let Mother decide for herself.”

  Ellen stared at Jane and stood up. Once again, Jane had pushed her beyond her limit. She searched her purse for a few silver coins, and then stared at her mother. “I’ll be back. I have to make a phone call.”

  Mom gave her a knowing look. “Good, dear,” she whispered in Ellen’s direction. “It’s time.”

  Ellen ignored her mother’s comment and despite Jane’s angry glare she turned and headed for the pay phone in the lobby. She had spotted it on the way in and made a mental note that if things got too tense she would excuse herself and make the call, regardless of her battered conscience.

  Her mother didn’t know about the earlier conversation she’d had with Mike. Apparently she thought Ellen was about to call her husband and patch things up. A wave of guilt assaulted Ellen as she arrived at the pay phone, and for a moment she almost turned back to join the others. Then she thought of Jane, how their relationship was unraveling faster than a half-made sweater.

  She thought of Mike, too. It’s too late to change my plans… too late…too late….

  She picked up the phone.

  Don’t do it, a voice inside her head screamed. You’re married. You’re a Christian. You’re crazy-This isn’t about Jane, it’s about Mike. You’ve been looking for an excuse to call Jake ever since this morning. Come on, Ellen, remember what Leslie said.

  Her conscience challenged her and threatened her, tempting her to hang up the phone. Leslie’s words came back to her. Don’t do it, Ellen. Don’t do it.

  She slipped the coins into the slot and dialed his number.

  “Hello?” Jake sounded tired and Ellen almost hung up the phone.

  “It’s me.”

  “Ellen,” he said her name slowly and it sounded like velvet on his tongue. His voice was filled with concern. “I’ve been thinking about you. I wanted to call but I was afraid you’d be uncomfortable.”

  “I know I’ve thought about calling you all day.”

  “Things worse?”

  “Yes.” Her voice was choked with emotion and not very clear. “I’m at the mortuary, Stone’s Funeral Home on Mitchell Road.”

  “I know it.”

  “Please come, Jake. I need to talk.”

  Jake was quiet and Ellen knew his struggle. In that instant she was certain he still loved her. He was afraid to see her again, terrified that he couldn’t keep his distance. Jake didn’t have to say a word. Ellen knew what he was thinking because she felt the same way about him.

  “What time will you be done?” There was resignation in his voice.

  Ellen looked at her watch. It was four o’clock. “Around five-thirty I’ll send the others home without me and I’ll wait here for you.”

  “Where should we go?”

  “How ’bout back to your house. Just for a few hours.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Ellen understood the deeper meaning behind his question. Perhaps they were asking for trouble, allowing themselves to be alone together at his house. If so, Ellen didn’t care. Mike didn’t want to be there. She and Jane were no longer on speaking terms. Worse, the constant friction between them made it impossible for her to think about her father. His funeral was in two days and she hadn’t even had time to mourn his death. What did it matter if she spent a few more hours with Jake? The week would be over soon enough and they would return to their separate lives, thinking of each other only on occasion as they had before.

  “Ellen?” His voice was a caress.

  “Yes,” she said quickly. “I’m sure.”

  “Okay, five-thirty. See you then.”

  Ellen hung up and returned to the office where the others had reached an agreement on an oak casket. It was lined with white satin and engraved with tiny roses around the base. There were six brass handles stationed along the sides where the pallbearers would carry it from the hearse to the church and back.

  “What do you think?” Mom pointed to the picture of the coffin in the catalogue. She had dark circles under her eyes and she seemed anxious to be done with the selection process.

  “I don’t know. It’s a coffin.” Ellen stared at the wooden box in the picture and thought of her father, full of life, sitting at a Michigan football game. She tried to imagine that same man lying in the carved oak casket and she shuddered. “It’s hard to picture.”

  “I know, dear. I understand that. But I want us all to agree on the coffin and this is the one we’ve picked out. Could you please tell me what you think?”

  “It’s fine.”

  “Okay, then that’s it.” She turned to face Mr. Whitson, who was once agai
n sitting patiently behind his desk while the family made their decision. “What’s next?”

  “We need to work out arrangements for tomorrow night’s viewing and transportation to the church and cemetery. You do have a plot picked out?”

  “Yes, that’s taken care of.”

  Megan shut her eyes, and Ellen thought she was probably holding back tears. Amy stared at the floor, and Ellen clenched her fists, pressing them into her stomach to ease the knots that grew there. Aaron slipped on his dark glasses. Jane remained motionless.

  The plot was located in St. Francis Cemetery, a small tree-lined park situated on a steep bluff overlooking Little Traverse Bay. The view was incredible from any spot in the cemetery, and there was a generous amount of space between plots. Earlier that week their mother had chosen a plot directly underneath a large oak tree. It was not far from the split-rail fence that bordered the edge of the cemetery and the embankment that led down to the water. Mom had not taken them all to see the plot. Ellen was just as glad. They would see it soon enough.

  For an hour the five Barrett siblings sat quietly together but very much apart, as their mother worked out the logistics of the viewing, funeral service, and burial. Ellen thought her mother was holding up remarkably well. She made notes and jotted down key details as they worked through the planning process.

  Ellen watched and wondered if funerals were always like this. The planning took so much effort that there was no time to grieve. She had expected her mother to break down and cry, to be unable to get through this part of the week. Instead she was stoic and calm, well organized and efficient. Ellen wondered when the reality would hit.

  “Well, that’s all I have. I think we’ve worked everything out.”

  Mr. Whitson stood up and shook their mother’s hand. He looked at the others and barely smiled. “We’ll see all of you tomorrow night. You should get here at least an hour before the public viewing but you can come any time after two o’clock.”

  “Thank you,” Mom told him as the group filed quietly out of the office. As soon as they were outside, she announced that they were all expected back at the house for dinner.

  “Is that okay with everyone?” She held the keys to the van and looked at each of them expectantly

  “Uhh, I still have some work to do on that thing I’m writing for the funeral,” Aaron mumbled. “I thought I might go to the beach and work on it.”

  Their mother’s shoulders dropped in disappointment and she sighed heavily. “Aaron, I thought we’d all be together tonight.”

  “Mom, if you want me to get that thing done then don’t complain about me missing dinner. Maaaaan, I mean it. Give me a break, will ya?”

  Ellen cast a disgusted glance toward her brother and Amy rolled her eyes.

  “Okay, okay,” Mom smiled calmly, caving under Aaron’s implied threat of a temper tantrum. “Go ahead, honey. Drive safely.”

  Aaron mumbled something, slid behind the wheel of his truck, and drove off. She looked at her daughters. “What about you girls?”

  “I can come over for a little while but the children need to get to sleep earlier than last night.” Jane crossed her arms impatiently. “Troy’s coming in at 10:30 tomorrow morning so I don’t want to stay up late.”

  “Amy?”

  “Frank wants me to meet him for pizza with a few of his friends. We’ll come back to the house later. Around nine or so.”

  “I’ll be there,” Megan said. She looked accusingly at her sisters. “This is a time when we should be together.”

  “Ellen?” Mom raised her eyebrows hopefully.

  “I have plans, too. Sorry Mom. I won’t be late.”

  Her mother sighed, and Ellen was glad she seemed too preoccupied to ask what her plans were. “All right. Let’s get going, then.”

  Her mother, Amy, and Jane piled into the van and drove away leaving Megan and Ellen. They walked slowly, silently toward Megan’s car.

  “I don’t need a ride, Megan.” Ellen tried to sound casual.

  Megan stopped and stared at her. “Why not?”

  “My friend’s picking me up here.”

  Megan narrowed her eyes and studied her sister. Ellen could see the suspicion in her face. “What gives, Ellen? Who’s the mystery friend?”

  Ellen nudged the tip of her shoe at a few loose rocks on the asphalt. She refused to look at Megan. “Just an old friend.”

  Megan lowered her face so that she could see directly into Ellen’s eyes. “I’m your sister, remember, Ellen? I know most of your old friends. Who is she?”

  Ellen hesitated. “He.”

  “He?”

  “Yes.” She drew a deep breath. “Jake Sadler. We’re getting together to talk.”

  “What?” Megan’s voice rose.

  “Shhh. You heard what I said.”

  “Why on earth are you doing that?”

  “I’ve seen him twice this week. I called him that night when Jane told me I was stupid for not having any children. Remember?”

  “You saw him that night, too?” Megan was clearly astonished and Ellen felt a twinge of guilt. “Is that who you went to the beach with?”

  Ellen nodded. “Mackinac Island.”

  “Ellen, are you having an affair?”

  Megan sounded as if she was about to collapse from the shock and Ellen took her arm and led her gently to her car.

  “No, Megan. It’s no big deal. Don’t worry. Just a couple of old friends remembering the way things used to be. He loved Dad, too, remember?”

  Megan emitted a brief laugh that was completely void of humor. “Who are you trying to kid? I might have been younger than you, but I wasn’t blind. Listen, Ellen, you and Jake Sadler were anything but friends.”

  “That was a long time ago.”

  “Not long enough.” She thought a moment. “Does Mike know?”

  Ellen shook her head.

  “You guys are fighting, aren’t you?”

  Ellen set her jaw. “Mike and I are fine. This has nothing to do with him.”

  “Then why, Ellen? I can understand Jake’s motives, but what about yours?”

  Ellen was immediately defensive. “That’s not fair. Jake’s matured a lot since high school.”

  “I don’t care what he’s done since high school. You’re a married woman and you have no right spending an evening with Jake Sadler.”

  Ellen was silent, her arms crossed stubbornly.

  “You know I’m right.”

  “I know that whatever you say isn’t going to change my mind.” Ellen was matter-of-fact. “Please, Megan, go home and spend some time with Mom. I can take care of myself.”

  Megan frowned at Ellen and turned away. She opened the car door, slipped inside, and started the engine. Then she rolled down the window and stared hard at Ellen. “Do what you want, Ellen,” she warned. “But Jake Sadler is trouble. He’s been trouble since the first day you met him.”

  “If anyone knows that, I do,” Ellen replied quickly “I said don’t worry about it.” She was beginning to feel nervous because it was almost five-thirty and she didn’t want Jake to pull up and see them arguing about him.

  “I think you’re making a big mistake. Obviously I can’t stop you.”

  “Good-bye, Megan,” Ellen said simply.

  Megan shook her head. “I have one more thing to say and then I’ll go.”

  Ellen shifted her position impatiently.

  “Please be careful.” The accusation in Megan’s voice was gone.

  “Megan, don’t worry I told you there’s nothing between us.”

  “Don’t lie to me, Ellen. I know how you and Jake were. That isn’t something that goes away with time.”

  “I know,” Ellen finally conceded. “I’ll be careful. I promise.”

  Megan nodded and then drove away Ellen watched her go and then walked across the parking lot. She sat on the wooden bench in front of the mortuary and waited anxiously for Jake. She was restless, watching for his truck and feeling more nervous t
han she had all week. Not because of Megan’s warning. She was not afraid of Jake Sadler’s intentions.

  She was afraid of her own.

  Twenty-five

  Ellen heard the low rumbling sound of Jake’s truck seconds before it pulled into view He climbed out and walked toward her, hesitating for a moment before pulling her into a hug. She buried her face in his pullover.

  I can’t go with him. It’ll just hurt us both. “Thanks for coming,” she whispered.

  Jake’s eyes filled with concern, and Ellen’s doubts dissolved like summer days. He was her first love, but he was also her friend. In all the world he was the only one she wanted to be with at that moment.

  Unbidden, another verse drifted into her mind: “The way of a fool seems right to him, hut a wise man listens to advice.” She felt her cheeks go red.

  He slid into the truck and put his seat belt on. “Everyone gone home?’”

  “Finally” She closed the door and was surrounded by the scent of leather and cologne. She sank into the seat and released a heavy sigh.

  “That bad, huh?”

  “Worse. I don’t know, Jake, maybe it’s me. Jane’s still on the warpath and my mom’s wanting us all to be together every last minute leading up to the funeral. Aaron’s a time bomb and Megan’s playing peacemaker. Same old story.”

  Jake pulled out of the parking lot and headed west on Mitchell.

  “Where do you live?”

  “Harbor Pointe, out in Harbor Springs.”

  Ellen raised an eyebrow “I know the area. Why didn’t you tell me you lived in the estates?”

  “They’re not really estates. Just large subdivision homes.”

  “I can’t believe you live in Harbor Pointe,” she said absently. She stared out the windshield and ran her fingers through her hair. “Guards at the gate, tennis courts, the bay in your backyard. Who’d have thought it? I mean, weren’t you the guy who was out to live life up and avoid commitment at all costs?”

  Jake grinned sheepishly and his eyes twinkled with laughter.

  “You couldn’t be serious about anything back then, Jake. Now look at you.”

  He grew pensive and remained silent.