What?
No, I did not just think that. I was not going to contact him.
Shit, I could not go down that road. My mother would have a heart attack, and my father, the good minister of Wishburn, Virginia, would disown me. He already hated that I was in a band, had several tattoos and both of my nipples pierced. I’d made the mistake of taking my shirt off when we were working on repairing a leak in the roof the last time I’d been home, and he’d gone off on me about how God didn’t want us to desecrate our bodies, and I was committing a sin, blah, blah, blah.
I’d grown up having religion stuffed down my throat so much that I didn’t practice anything anymore, and I hadn’t stepped foot in a church in years, but I still had to deal with hearing sermons whenever I called home or chose to visit, which wasn’t very often. My dad would flip his fucking lid if he found out I’d slept with another man.
I half-laughed at the image in my head of both my parents faces if I were to ever bring Cole home with me and tell them he was my boyfriend. They’d go apeshit.
Okay, whoa. Where the hell had that come from?
I did not even know this guy, and I was already calling him my boyfriend. That was it. I must have gone nuts. I was tripping on peyote or shrooms or paint thinner. These were not rational thoughts, and I was not having them. Nope. I was done. No more thoughts of Cole. Period. I was not into guys. I was not into Cole, and starting then, I would not think of him ever again.
I wanted to call him.
Dammit!
I took a deep breath and answered Jen’s question, hoping talking to her would distract me. “I’m just tired, that’s all.”
Lies, lies, lies.
“Are you sure, because you’ve been kind of off for the past week. You’ve got me worried.”
Shit. I was such an asshole.
“I guess I’m just over the traveling. I’m sick of hotels and flying and eating out.”
Yeah, that was only marginally true.
“Well, you won’t have to worry about that this weekend. Zack and Emily are taking Lily, so you can stay here. I’ll cook for you, and we can make up for all the time we’ve been apart.”
Shit. She was too good to me, but maybe that’s what I needed to remember how great I had it, so I didn’t make a hasty decision and ruin everything.
“That sounds amazing, babe,” I told her, as I knocked the soft part of my fist against my forehead a few times.
“Andrew, are you sure it’s not something else?”
I knew she could hear it in my voice. We’d known each other for too long.
“I don’t know,” I said noncommittally.
“Is it the distance? I know it hasn’t been easy being apart for so many months, and I miss you so much, but I’m all in with you, okay. You don’t have to worry about me being faithful. I love you.”
This was not going to be easy – when I finally told her. But I wasn’t doing it that night.
When I didn’t respond, Jen kept talking. “I mean, I know there are temptations out there, and there are probably girls who are throwing themselves at you on a nightly basis. I just hope that they don’t come between us.”
“No, babe,” I said quickly, because she was starting to sound panicky. “I’m not going to lie, there are girls who make it known that they’re interested, but I’m not interested in them.” A certain guy on the other hand . . . No! “I wouldn’t cheat on you, Jen. Please know that.”
“I know,” she said softly. “I know. You’ve just been sort of distant lately. I don’t like it.”
I sighed. “Well, I do sort of need to talk to you about something,” I blurted out, not sure why I was doing it.
“What?” she asked, fully awake, her voice suddenly full of concern.
Shit. That was not my intention.
“It’s nothing. Don’t worry. I’ll call you in the morning.”
“Okay,” she said, not convinced that she shouldn’t be worried, and she was right. I was a terrible person.
“I’ll let you get back to bed.”
“Okay. Love you. You promise you’ll call me tomorrow?”
“I will. Love you too.”
Maybe after I slept on it, the Cole thing would finally go away. Jen was a great girl, and I should have been lucky to have her. I should not have been considering throwing what we had away for some crush on a guy. It didn’t make any sense.
Chapter Three
Zack
“Daddy!” Lily said, as soon as I walked into Jen’s apartment, and it was freaking music to my ears.
She leapt up from the pink plaid blanket she was sitting on in the middle of the living room playing with two of the Disney princess dolls I’d given her few weeks earlier. She ran to me and stuck her arms up as I pulled her against my chest, inhaling her sweet smell.
“Oh, baby girl, I missed you so much,” I told her, as I squeezed her tight.
Her arms wrapped around my neck. “Miss you too, Daddy,” she said, her vocabulary having grown so much in the past few months.
She was two and a half, and I couldn’t believe how big she was getting. I couldn’t get enough of her, but she soon pulled out of my arms and leaned toward Emily.
“Emmy!” she said excitedly, as Emily pulled her close and kissed her cheeks.
“Hi Lily Lou,” she said, using the nickname she’d given my daughter way before we’d ever met.
Emily had ironically been Lily’s babysitter for a year by the time we’d met, but she’d been living in Chapel Hill in the same apartment complex as Jen, and I’d been living with my mom five hours away. So I’d never met Emily as Lily’s babysitter, and by the time we connected the dots, I’d already become public enemy number one since I’d broken her heart and left her stranded without any explanation.
I wondered if I’d ever let go of the guilt that centered from that day and my really bad judgment. I was pretty sure Emily had forgiven me, but it still ate away at me that I’d been so stupid as to risk letting her go.
“Zack, it’s so good to see you,” Jen said, walking over and embracing me.
She held me for a few seconds longer than she normally would, and I knew it was because she was grateful that I was going to pull daddy duty for a few weeks and give her some time to relax.
Jen was an accountant, and she worked full-time in addition to taking care of Lily, so she didn’t have much time to herself. She was a phenomenal mom, and she always made sure Lily came first. I owed her big time for being as flexible as she was with my schedule and not ever complaining.
“Where’s Andrew?” I asked, assuming he’d be at the apartment.
He’d spent the entire flight plugged into his iPod and had stalked away from the gate without waiting for the rest of us. I figured he needed space, so I’d let him go. And I assumed he’d have gone right to Jen’s. They’d been dating for over a year and were pretty serious.
“Don’t know,” Jen said, but something in her voice told me she definitely knew.
“What happened?” I asked, lowering my voice.
“Come on, Lily. Let’s go play in your room,” Emily said then, and I knew she could tell Jen wanted to talk and was giving us space.
It’s not that we didn’t want her to hear our conversation, but Lily had big ears, and if something was going on with Jen and Andrew, she didn’t need to hear it. I’d fill Emily in later.
Jen sat down on the couch in a huff, so I sat next to her. She ran her hand back through her long blond hair.
“He’s been acting weird for over a week, and I don’t know what to do about it,” she said, her voice breaking.
“What do you mean?” I asked, my eyebrows knitting together.
I was well-aware of how Andrew was treating the guys and me, but I wasn’t aware his shitty mood had extended to Jen.
She shook her head. “I don’t know, Zack. He’s hot and cold. Sometimes I feel like he really loves me, and sometimes I feel like he’s going to end things in the next breath. I’m not su
re what to do.”
“I’m sure he’s not going to break things off with you. I know he loves you.”
I watched her eyes fill with tears, so I pulled her into my arms. After a few seconds she pulled back and swiped under her eyes. She took a deep breath and looked at me, her blue eyes shiny and wet.
“He took off this weekend,” she said.
“What do you mean he took off? Where did he go?”
Andrew hadn’t said a word to any of us about leaving for the weekend.
Jen shrugged. “No clue. He just texted me this morning to let me know he needed some time to think about things, and he’d call me next week.”
“But we’ll be in Charlotte next week,” I reminded her.
“Yeah, I know, so basically my boyfriend decided that in the first break he’s had in months where we could actually spend some adult time together, he didn’t want to see me.”
“Shit,” I cursed, shaking my head.
I was pissed that he’d treat Jen that way. She didn’t deserve it.
She shook her head and sniffed. “I’m fine. I’ve been holding back tears all day, but it felt good to get them out. Whatever. I guess if he breaks up with me, there’s not a lot I can do about it. It is what it is.”
“I’m going to kick his ass when I see him,” I threatened.
What I wasn’t saying, and I wasn’t sure if Jen was thinking it too, was that I had a sneaking suspicion that he’d cheated on her. Andrew was a good guy, but he wasn’t without faults. He could have made a mistake and was pulling away from Jen because of it. I knew he and Derrick had gone out earlier in the week, and I wondered if something had happened. I sincerely hoped he’d been faithful, but if he had cheated, Jen would probably be better off if he did end things with her. I didn’t want her to be with a guy like that, even if he was one of my best friends and I loved him like a brother.
This break-up would be hard for her though. She’d seen a future with Andrew, and it would be hard to have that yanked out from under her. But I’d be there for her if the time came. I’d seen her through another tough break-up, so I was no stranger to helping her. Even though I knew it was weird as her ex-boyfriend that we had that kind of relationship, when you have a kid with someone it sort of changes things. And Jen and I hadn’t been together in four years. We’d been friends longer than we’d dated.
Jen shook her head, and I knew she was still holding out hope that everything would be okay. “Why don’t you just wait and see if there’s something worth kicking his ass for before you do it,” she suggested.
I raised an eyebrow, and she smacked my chest.
“Zack, I’m serious. I’m not ready for him to be done with us, and if I have to I’m going to fight for him.”
“Fine,” I said, knowing I’d do the same if it was Emily. “Can I do anything for you? Do you want to come to the beach with us?”
She shook her head. “No, I think I’m going to take advantage of a child-free weekend. I called one of my friends this morning, and we organized and impromptu girls’ weekend. I just need some time away.”
I nodded. “That’ll be fun, but you know you can also call me if you need to talk to someone.”
She nodded. “I know.”
I leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “You want me to talk to him?”
I would anyway, because I had to find out what the hell was up his ass. If he’d cheated on her, I’d kill him. But more than that, his bad attitude could affect the album, and we had too much riding on it.
“No, Zack. It’s fine. I’m a big girl, and I can handle my own failed relationship.”
I sighed. “Jen, you’re not a failure. Something’s going on with Andrew. He’s been in a mood with all of us for over a week, and you don’t know that he’s going to break up with you.”
She shrugged and smiled at me. “I know that, but right now I feel like I failed and it’s over. Let me wallow, let me get wasted off of margaritas tonight and deal with a raging hangover in the morning, and then I’ll be able to put things into perspective. Maybe when he calls me – whenever he chooses to call – we can have a rational conversation about what’s going on with him.”
I gave her a small smile in return. “As long as you know what you’re getting yourself into.”
“I do. It’s not my first rodeo. And if he ends things, well, I’ve been broken up with before so I know I’ll survive. At least I’m not six months pregnant this time.”
Damn, she was in a bad place if she was joking around about that. Three years earlier she’d ended up on my doorstep after her asshole of a boyfriend had dumped her when she was pregnant with Lily. He’d assumed, because Jen hadn’t told him differently, that Lily was his, and he wasn’t ready to be a father. It turned out he didn’t have to worry about that since Lily was mine and the result of a one-night stand Jen and I had while she was dating him, which was a good thing in the end. That asshole didn’t deserve to be a father.
“It’s not mine,” I said, joking right back, because I knew she needed it.
She punched me playfully in the arm. “Asshole,” she said, shaking her head, but she was laughing. I was a glad she was laughing. She leaned back against the couch. “Okay, you need to take our daughter and get out of here. I’m meeting the girls in an hour, and I’m ready to take off my mommy hat.”
“Done. She’s all mine. Lily!” I called out, and she came running, her pink dress flying around her. She loved pink and princesses and frilly things. She was all girl.
Emily trailed behind her, laughing at the way Lily flew into my lap. I looked up and caught her gaze and knew what she was thinking. I’d seen her talking to her friend Taryn the week before, putting her hand on Taryn’s stomach and asking about the baby she was carrying. Emily wanted kids, and I couldn’t wait to have them with her, but it just wasn’t the right time. For now it was hard enough being away from Lily, and our careers was only going to make things crazier. Emily and I would have to settle down before we even considered having a family.
“Lily, what do you think about spending some time with me and Emily?” I asked her.
“Coow!” she said exuberantly, and I looked at Jen in question, wondering where in the hell our daughter had learned the word cool. She hadn’t been saying it a few weeks earlier when I’d been home to see her.
Jen was laughing. “She picked it up from my friend Wendy’s daughter, Penelope. It’s adorable, right?”
“You are so stinkin’ cute,” I said to Lily, nuzzling her cheek and kissing her a few times, making her laugh.
“Daddy!” she cried out, squirming away from me.
“Okay, fine,” I said, pulling away from her. “Kiss?”
She turned to grin at me and leaned up to peck me on the lips. “Wub you!” she cried out, before she hopped off my lap and ran toward her room.
She was like a Mexican jumping bean. No wonder Jen needed a break.
“Enjoy,” she said, winking at me, as she got up from the couch.
I followed her into Lily’s room to gather up her suitcase of clothes, a backpack of her toys and the diaper bag. Lily was potty trained, but just barely and still wore diapers at night. Traveling with her wasn’t as taxing as it had been when she was a baby, but she still required a lot of stuff. Emily and I would have to remember to pack snacks for the five hour drive to my house on the coast – and music. I’d spent time on the road recording songs for Lily since she loved when I sang to her. I sent them to Jen so she could hear my voice when I wasn’t around, but Lily would want me to sing to her during the drive.
I looked down at Lily who was watching me with a silly grin on her face as I loaded the pink diaper bag onto my shoulder and her Cinderella backpack of toys onto my back. I’d thanked Jen repeatedly for choosing such masculine bags since we shared them.
“You’ve got a lot of stuff, baby girl,” I told my daughter who was giggling at me.
“I know,” she said, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Ever since she’d start
ed talking, she’d been cracking me up. I loved her to pieces.
“Do you want to help Daddy carry some of your stuff?” Emily asked, and Lily looked up at her.
“No.”
Then she stuck her thumb in her mouth. I caught Emily’s gaze and shook my head. Then I looked back down at my daughter.
“Alright, you ready to take a road trip, baby girl?”
She grinned around her thumb. “Yeth,” she said, nodding her head vigorously.
I picked her up with my one free hand as Emily took her suitcase. “Well, come on then. Let’s take a road trip.”
“Whewe we going?” she asked as we walked toward the front door, Jen trailing behind us.
“The beach,” I said, and she pulled her thumb from her mouth.
“The beach! Coow! Can we see Unca Phiw?”
Emily raised an eyebrow at me. “She’s saying cool now?”
I shrugged. “I guess so.” Then I turned to Lily. “Yes, baby, we can go see Uncle Phil.”
“Yay!” she said, clapping her little hands.
“Okay, baby,” Jen said, reaching for Lily to give her a kiss goodbye. “Be good for Daddy. I love you.”
“Wub you too, Mommy,” she said as she gave Jen a kiss.
Then we were out the door, on our way to what was hopefully going to be a weekend of just relaxing and enjoying the last bit of summer.
Chapter Four
Andrew
I was an idiot. As soon as our plane had landed in Raleigh, I took off without saying goodbye to the guys and hopped on a flight down to Tampa. It was a spur of the moment decision that I’d made before we’d left L.A. I’d called, booked a flight, and that was it.
I’d stared at Cole’s text for days, rereading the words, letting them mock me and twist my mind up into a multitude of what ifs. And I think I just needed to know for sure.
Then I’d texted Jen to tell her that I needed a break and was going away for the weekend. It was a dick move since I hadn’t seen her but once since we’d gone on tour. I should have wanted to go home to see her, but something – or truthfully someone – was pulling me in a different direction.
Broken Fairytales Series Box Set (Broken Fairytales, Buried Castles, Shattered Crowns) Page 65
