I felt my phone vibrate again, but I’d have to wait to read Cole’s text. I wasn’t risking Derrick seeing it. I wasn’t ready to come clean – or I guess come out – to him just yet.
Derrick narrowed his eyes. “Are you cheating on my sister?”
“No,” I said quickly and a little too suspiciously.
“You better not be,” he cautioned as he turned away and dropped his towel.
I looked away. I didn’t want to see his bare ass. Thankfully my guy lust did not include Derrick. I’d probably shoot myself if I was attracted to him.
“I’m not,” I assured him. “So, did I really hear that you slept with Emily’s sister?”
Derrick chuckled. “Yeah, I did. Dude, she’s so fucking hot, and she loves to experiment. I’m definitely hitting that again tonight.”
I rolled my eyes. He was such a dirtbag.
“You really think she’ll hook up with you again after you got her arrested?”
“Yeah, she will. She already texted me to call her when I get done here.”
“D, you’ve got to stop doing this shit,” I told him, hoping I didn’t sound like Jonathan. I wasn’t trying to lecture him. I just wanted to be a good friend.
“I know,” he sighed. “I’ve already got too much shit on my record. It’s not cool, but I’m not about to stop partying and hooking up. We’re just making it big. There’s too much pussy that’s about to be at my disposal.”
I rolled my eyes at him. How he scored so many chicks was seriously beyond me.
“I’m not telling you to tap out completely. You’ve just got to be smarter. Don’t do shit in public that can get you arrested. Take a cab when you’re drunk.”
“I know. I feel you.”
I could tell he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, so I changed the subject.
“So, what do you think of Jonathan?” I asked, as Derrick finally put pants on.
“He’s a dick,” Derrick said, shaking his head like a Golden Retriever and spraying water all over me. “But I think he has the best interest of the band at heart.”
“Hey, watch it,” I said, as I wiped off my face.
“Sorry, man.”
“You really think he has our best interest at heart?”
He shrugged. “Sure, he’s been trying to break into the big time, so he wants us to do well. It’s totally self-serving, but I also know he really digs our music.”
“How do you know that?”
“I watched him yesterday at the studio. He was into the music, and the tweaks he had us make were the right ones. This album is going to be gold. I hate to say it, because I love Molly, but Jonathan’s probably the best thing that could have happened to us.”
Huh. Just when I thought Derrick couldn’t get any more obtuse, he busts out something so profound. I hadn’t even watched Jonathan the day before. I’d been too wrapped up in my own drama that I couldn’t see past it. I hoped Derrick was right.
“You ready?” he asked.
“Are you going to put a shirt on?” I asked him.
He shrugged. “Nah. They’re just going to put me in something different anyway. I don’t feel like making the effort.”
“To wear a shirt?” I questioned, laughing at him.
He put his arm around my neck and pulled me into a headlock. “Yeah, to put a shirt on. You got a problem with that?”
“No,” I said, elbowing him and pulling away, but I was still laughing.
As we stepped into the elevator, he crossed his arms over his chest and appraised me. “Damn, it’s been a while since I’ve heard you genuinely laugh. And not that I want him to come back, but what happened to the pissed off guy who’s been possessing your body for the past two weeks?”
I shrugged. “I guess I found some clarity.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“Nothing, man. I just figured some things out last night. I think I finally know what I want.”
He sniffed once. “It’s not Jen, is it? You met someone else, didn’t you? You’re going to end things with her.”
“Are you going to punch me if I do?”
He shook his head. “Naw, man, not if it’s what you want to do, but just let me know so I can stay by the phone.”
I knew Derrick wouldn’t be the first person Jen would call after I talked to her that night. She’d run to Zack. She’d always run to Zack in the past. He was her safety net. But just to pacify Derrick, I told him I was going to call her that night. He just nodded in understanding.
I sighed as the elevator doors opened onto the roof, glad not to have to continue our conversation. I was afraid Derrick would ask me about the new person in my life, and I wasn’t sure what I would have done if faced with telling him about Cole. I definitely wasn’t ready for that, so I was grateful he wouldn’t have the opportunity to ask.
I looked out across the roof to see Zack looking very much like James Dean, leaning up against a brick wall with his guitar next to him, as the photographer snapped pictures. It was a cool shot. I wondered what kind of scene they’d set up for me.
“Andrew, Derrick, you guys need to go downstairs to get your hair and make-up done. Then come back up when you’re done,” Rachel told us.
“What’s my theme?” Derrick asked, sauntering closer to her as he smirked. She appraised him with disgust written all over her face. “Scorned lover? Sex symbol? Bad boy with attitude who all the girls want to fuck?”
“You’re gross, Derrick,” Rachel said, pushing against his chest when he got too close.
I knew they’d slept together a few years back and that Rachel regretted it. Derrick never let her forget it, though. He always, always hit on her whenever she came around.
“Not so gross that you wouldn’t sleep with me,” he said. “What do you say we give it another go?”
“Ugh,” Rachel said, making a face. “Go away, or if you’re not careful, your theme for today is going to be the guy who got his balls chopped off for being a horny jackass.”
With that she walked over to where Emily was playing with Lily.
“Damn, that girl can’t get enough of me.”
I rolled my eyes. “She’s practically engaged to Emily’s brother. Leave her alone, or he’s libel to kick your ass.”
“I can take him. He’s just a skinny, emo punk. He’s no match for these guns,” Derrick said, flexing his arms.
“Come on,” I said, grabbing him by the elbow to drag him back downstairs.
It was going to be a long day.
* * *
“Hey,” I said when Jen answered the phone that night.
“Hi,” she responded, and I could hear the caution in her voice. It was the first time we’d spoken since Thursday when I told her I would call her the next day. I hadn’t called. I’d sent that crappy text letting her know I wanted to be alone for the weekend. I still hadn’t worked up the courage to listen to her message, and it was Wednesday.
“How are you?” I asked, figuring formal pleasantries were the best route to take.
“Fine,” she said curtly. “How are you?”
I could hear the underlying message in her voice that said ‘I’m so pissed at you, but I still love you, you fucking asshole, and I hope you’re okay’.
“I’m good. Did you have a nice weekend?” I asked, feeling like a complete dumbass for doing it.
“I spent most of the weekend drunk or hung over. I haven’t done that since college, and it was sort of liberating,” she said dryly. “How was your weekend Andrew? Did you have fun being alone?”
I sighed. “I wasn’t alone the whole time,” I told her, clenching my eyes shut out of fear of what that statement might ignite in her.
“I figured. Who is she?”
“Not a she,” I practically choked out, because it was hard to say it out loud.
“What?” she asked in an annoyed and confused tone. “What does that mean?”
“He,” I finally said.
“He? I don’t understand? Did you make
a new friend or something?”
Yeah, or something.
“So, I kind of need to tell you something, and to be fair, this all started before we got back together last summer. It’s just, there’s this thing that I’ve been wrestling with for a while, and I finally decided to come to terms with it.”
“Holy shit, you are not going to tell me you’re gay, because seriously Andrew, I cannot handle that. You cheating on me, yes, sure, I can wrap my head around that, but . . .”
“Well,” I said, not exactly answering her question.
“Oh shit, you are going to tell me you’re gay, aren’t you. God dammit! What the hell?!”
“Jen, I’m sorry,” I said, but she wasn’t even listening. She continued to rant.
“What the hell did I do to deserve this shit? I am a twenty-six year old single mom, and I’ve been blindly dating a gay man for the past year. Is this punishment for something? Huh?”
I was pretty sure she wasn’t talking to me, but either way, I still felt like shit. I hadn’t meant to hurt her, seriously.
“Jen, I’m not gay,” I said, feeling the need to clarify that tiny point.
“You’re not?”
“No, I’m, uh, I’m bi, I guess.”
“THAT’S THE SAME THING!” she screamed into the phone.
“No, it’s not,” I defended.
“Oh yeah?!” she roared. “Are you breaking up with me for a guy? Are you? Because if that’s the case, then this certainly feels like the same fucking thing!”
Yeah, she sort of had a point there.
“Are you breaking up with me for a guy, Andrew?” she demanded.
“Yes,” I said softly, since there was no use prolonging the inevitable.
“Oh, my God!” she choked out, and then she burst into tears. “This is so not happening to me right now.”
“Jen, I’m sorry,” I apologized again, because it was all I could do.
She was crying softly, and it was breaking my heart. But because the tears were my fault, I let her cry while I sat there silently and listened.
“I love you,” she finally said, her voice so small. “I thought we had a future together, that we were going to get married. I figured that after the album and the tour, you were going to propose, and now you come out and tell me you’re leaving me for a fucking guy? I can’t even make sense of that.”
My heart ached for her and the picture she’d painted for us. It was a nice picture, and as much as I wanted that too, there was someone else who was pulling me away, and I was powerless to control it.
“I didn’t plan this,” I told her. “I promise. It just happened.”
“How can you be attracted to guys? Have you always been and I just didn’t know it?”
“I don’t know. I guess on some level I always have. I mean, I didn’t really think it was a big deal, but there were a few times in high school that Trent and I made out. And I think if I had an urge to do it back then, well, maybe it’s always been there.”
“You hooked up with Trent Gillis?” she questioned.
“Yes,” I said softly, because I knew she was putting the pieces together.
“Ho-ly shit, Andrew. Yes, that probably means you’re gay.”
“Bi,” I corrected, and then I cringed because I knew she was going to correct me.
“SAME THING!” she roared.
I decided not to try to explain that it really wasn’t the same thing.
“Listen, I’ve never been this attracted to a guy before, but he sort of got under my skin last summer – before you and I got together – and I haven’t been able to shake him.”
“So, let me get this straight. When we got together, and all during this past year, you’ve been thinking about him and have had feelings for him?”
“Yes,” I said, figuring it wouldn’t do me any good to lie.
“Fuck you,” she hissed. “Did you cheat on me? Were you seeing him while we were together?”
“No, Jen. I would never do that. We weren’t even in contact until I ran into him in Tampa two weeks ago. We talked on the phone once last week, but I told him I had a girlfriend. But then I went to see him this past weekend. I promise you, nothing happened. I sent him away, because I didn’t want to do anything while I was still with you.”
She laughed a short, barking laugh. “That’s so noble of you. Thanks for that.”
“What can I do?” I asked, feeling so powerless. I hated being the guy who made her feel like she was feeling right then.
“Oh, you’ve done enough,” she said harshly.
“Listen, I know you hate me, and I understand. I’m sorry, Jen. I am. I fought this for over a year, and I can’t fight it anymore. I have to do this. I have to see if there’s something there with Cole.”
“Cole,” she repeated. “That’s his name?”
“Yes.”
“Fine. Whatever, I guess. Go see if you can be happy with Cole, but don’t expect me to be waiting around for you.”
“I would never ask you do to that,” I told her in the softest tone I could muster.
“Good.”
“Zack’s waiting for you to call him,” I told her then, because I knew she didn’t want to talk to me anymore.
“He knows?!”
“Yes, I told him last night, and I let him know a few minutes ago that I was calling you. He said to call him if you wanted to talk.”
“Jesus,” she hissed. “My two ex-boyfriends conspiring as to how best to handle me when you called and broke my heart. That’s touching. I’m glad Zack knew before me. Thanks for that.”
“Jen,” I pleaded with her. “Come on. I needed to talk to someone. Zack’s one of my best friends.”
“Whatever. I can’t talk to you about this anymore. I need to go.”
“Okay, I’ll call you in a few days to see how you’re doing,” I offered.
“Don’t bother,” she snapped. “I just need to not talk to you for a while okay? I get that you need to do this, that you’re chasing some part of yourself that you’ve been running from, and you’ve been confined by our heterosexual relationship or whatever. I’m sorry to have stifled you for so long. I hope you and Cole will be very happy together.”
With that, she ended the call.
I sat in the oppressive silence of my hotel room for half an hour before I decided I couldn’t beat myself up for doing the right thing. I was allowed to have feelings for someone else. I hadn’t acted on them. I’d broken things off before that could happen. I felt guilty, though, and I knew I’d feel that way for a long time.
Chapter Twelve
Andrew
“You actually called me,” Cole said later that night when I worked up the nerve to have a real conversation with him. I smiled when I heard his voice.
“I caved,” I admitted as I stretched out on the bed in my hotel room.
I was planning to go to bed early that night since we were back in the studio bright and early the next day. Because of the shoot the day before, we’d only gotten about four hours of time in, so we had to finish recording the same track. It was one that Zack and I had written called Swept Under the Rocks. It was a cool, bluesy ballad that took us a while to perfect, and I was excited to lay it down since it was a departure from our usual stuff. I’d actually kind of hoped it would be our second single we’d release off the album, but it might not be catchy enough for that.
“You missed me,” Cole deduced, and I could hear the smile in his voice.
“That wouldn’t be possible with the massive amounts of texts you sent me today,” I said sarcastically, not wanting to admit that, yeah, I’d missed him.
“Hey, you weren’t exactly unresponsive, my friend. And those pictures you sent are going to keep me occupied for quite a while. Thank you very much.”
I chuckled. “So I’m your friend, huh?”
“That’s what we said.”
Yeah, I was pretty sure friends didn’t ‘occupy’ themselves with pictures of each other, and
just the thought of Cole doing that made me want to occupy myself with images of him.
“I know,” I said. “We did say that.”
“Of course we both know I want more,” he said, sort of leaving his statement hanging out there in the void for me to tell him I wanted more too.
And I did, but it all depended on him and if he was still with Haden.
“I ended things with my girlfriend tonight,” I told him, hoping he’d understand what I meant by that.
“Did you?” He sounded surprised.
“Yeah.”
“Wow, I wasn’t expecting that. That’s a big step. What prompted you to make that decision all of a sudden?”
You.
He was playing so coy, even though I knew he understood exactly why I’d ended things with Jen. He just wanted to hear me say it. I wasn’t sure if I’d give him the satisfaction just yet.
“It wasn’t fair to her. We wanted different things,” I said cryptically. Two could play this game.
“Oh yeah? And what is it that you want, Andrew?” he asked, lowering his voice to a smoldering, sexy tone that he probably knew would do me in if I wasn’t already there.
“You,” I said after a few seconds of silence, basically caving in. No use in beating around the bush.
Cole chuckled. “I was hoping you’d say that. How did she take it?”
I stretched out even more, my shirt rising up to expose my stomach. I laid my hand on it because it was twitching nervously. It was from a mix of what talking to Cole did to me, but I was also feeling guilty about what happened with Jen. I felt like shit for hurting her, and nothing would make that feeling go away.
“She wasn’t happy with me,” I said, instead of getting into the gritty details. “I told her I had strong feelings for someone else – a guy – and she flipped out on me.”
“Dude, I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “I don’t blame her really for hating me, but I had to do it. Truthfully, it was something I should have done a while ago when I realized that as much as I might have wanted what I had with her, because it was what seemed like what I should want, deep down, I knew we weren’t right for each other. And even if you and I are never anything more than friends, I know I made the right decision.”
Broken Fairytales Series Box Set (Broken Fairytales, Buried Castles, Shattered Crowns) Page 74
