The Supervillain Handbook

by King Oblivion

  How to Dress Them

  Just like you should name your henchmen in a way thematically similar to your supervillain identity, you should also dress them in costumes that are somehow related to your persona. Like, ‘Surgeon Sinister’ makes all his henchmen dress as demented candy stripers. Something like that.

  The only thing you need to be keenly aware of is that it’s imperative that you never let your henchmen dress in costumes cooler than yours. In fact, they should never do anything cooler than you.

  They get jobs, you get to be cool. It’s in our contract with the aforementioned union, whom, I can’t stress enough, you really need to listen to. (Please.)

  Training Exercise 4: Disciple Discipline

  It’s inevitable. Your henchmen are going to do something that’s out of line. It’s what they do. But how to deal with such incompetence? By showing them who’s boss, that’s how. Think about how you would respond to the following scenario (or, better [worse] yet, try it out for real):

  You finally have your local superhero group, The Truth Squad, in your sights. After weeks of planning and strategizing, you order your army of loyal minions to attack their stronghold, the Veracity Venue. They pour out of your headquarters and into the field, fired up from your rousing, highly threatening pep talk. You sit back and relax, content that the operation can’t possibly go wrong.

  Your henchmen return several hours later than you expected, only to inform you that everything went wrong. They accidentally attacked the wrong building. And the building they did attack just happened to be your lawyer’s house. So now she’s not talking to you. And they wrecked your airship.

  They shrug their shoulders and mumble “sorry” sbefore slinking off to their barracks to watch movies about people doing shit in spaceships.

  * * *

  If you said you would . . .

  Threaten to quit, run into your bedroom and cry, you should probably then wait a few years before turning pro.

  Revoke their telephone and TV privileges, you should maybe consider opening a day care and forgetting the whole supervillain thing.

  Confine them to their quarters, you clearly lack an understanding of henchmen. That’s their favorite place to be, where they can read comics and masturbate all day long.

  Make them go try again, you’re enacting a valid punishment, since henchmen hate work, but you’re running the risk of having them screw up even worse and possibly blow up your own HQ.

  Force them to all apologize to your attorney, you’re not really teaching them proper evil values, and your lawyer’s a bitch, anyway. She won’t give a shit.

  Kill one of them as an example to the others, that’ll probably put some fear into them, and you get to kill someone. It’s a double-whammy.

  Scream at them for hours and hours, calling them worthless dog feces, you’re not really treating them any differently than normal.

  Wipe them all out in a fiery rain of death, you have admirable evil rage, but are going to have a pretty hard time finding new employees in the future.

  * This has been a paid advertisement from THE GLOBAL BROTHERHOOD OF MINIONS

  Chapter 8

  Facilities*

  Note that the exterior of your volcano headquarters will never be fully visible to the non-helicopter-owning portion of the population.

  * Chapter 8 is sponsored by CREEPY ATMOSPHERICS INC., “Putting the ‘wooo’ in your ‘eeooooo.’”

  Supervillainy is a business, and, as a business, you’re going to need a base of operations. It’s just that yours is going to be called a lair or a hideout instead of a central processing center or a manufacturing headquarters or whatever corporate types are calling their shit these days.

  Much like any up-and-coming business, you’re going to need to find a place that can suit all your needs. You know, like:

  Restaurants need big kitchens where waiters and cooks can conveniently spit and urinate in your food.

  Advertising agencies need big conference rooms where the employees can come up with new ways to lie to people.

  Banks need big vaults that executives can snort cocaine off of and have sex on top of your money while they simultaneously fritter it away.

  (It couldn’t hurt to model yourself after those guys.) Here are some things you should keep in mind when you’re looking for some office space for your supervillain upstart.

  Bare Essentials

  A Command Center

  This is where you execute your plans (and if you so wish, many people). Amenities should most likely include a prominent, throne-like chair from which you can shout commands; a giant viewing-screen; communications equipment; seating for henchmen as they push buttons and turn knobs; lots of buttons and knobs; blinking lights; large staircases that probably go nowhere; trap doors; your logo on everything.

  A War Room

  A conference room where you and your chief lieutenants can plot out your devilishly evil, well thought out plan. It likely needs a large, round table; mood lighting; lots of ornately fashioned chairs; giant maps on the walls.

  Escape Pods

  You will use these. Often.

  Restrooms

  For you. Not necessarily for the henchmen.

  An Armory

  You never know when you’re going to need some dart guns, jet packs, or laser cannons. But, in general, you will need them all the time.

  A Parking Garage

  To protect your high-speed killing machines from the elements and/or possible rival villains who have an affinity for stealing your awesome, hopefully flying, cars.

  A Kitchen

  For when you need emergency Doritos. Which will be often.

  A Brig or Dungeon

  You have to keep your prisoners somewhere, and unfortunately, because they harbor information, you can’t kill them all. But hey, you don’t have to make it nice or anything.

  Good (Bad) to Have

  Henchmen’s Quarters

  It’s a smart idea to keep them on campus in case of a midnight superhero attack or if the pipes burst or something. You can make their quarters basically the same as the brig, just so they don’t get complacent.

  Your Quarters

  In case you feel the need to stay on-hand at all times. On the one hand, you’ll be there to keep things in order if the shit hits the fan. On the other hand, you might get trapped inside your fiery tomb when the aforementioned shit hits the aforementioned fan. Up to you here.

  A Throne Room

  Separate from the Command Center, this would be where your mask is mechanically affixed to your face, you can talk to yourself at length, and you can call henchmen in to stand before you to be berated. It’s a good idea to have some trap doors in here, too.

  A Library

  Where you could store thousands upon thousands of copies of this book.

  Large Storage Rooms

  Because you’ve got to keep your various death traps and doomsday devices somewhere.

  Huge Aquariums

  Because you’ve got to keep your gigantic mutated piranhas somewhere.

  A Morgue

  Because you have to keep the corpses of your victims and various henchmen somewhere.

  SUPERVILLAIN HISTORY FACT

  The 1972 Washington Redskins, a team comprised entirely of supervillains, made a valiant effort that year to defeat the Miami Dolphins, an undefeated team of superheroes who had infiltrated the NFL. In that year’s Super Bowl, the Redskins successfully transported Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum to hell, where they planned to abandon the Dolphins and all the fans in attendance. Unfortunately, Dolphins kicker Garo Yepremian botched a field goal which was supposed to seal the portal to hell and allow the villains to escape. The stadium returned to Los Angeles, and the Dolphins lived to hero another day.

  Completely Unnecessary, But Cool

  A Hallway Filled With Lasers that Can Cut Intruders to Pieces

  Like in the Resident Evil movie. It’s the only thing you remember from that movie, sure, but it wa
s super badass.

  A Shrine To Your Superhero Nemesis

  To really solidify the whole creepy obsession, “hate is a passion, too,” vibe.

  Trampoline Room

  A trampoline room would be sweet.

  A Laboratory With a Full Working Staff, Creating All-New, All-Evil Gadgets Like a Drink that Looks and Tastes Like Orange Juice, but Is Actually Toxic Waste

  Or a wristwatch that contains a tiny homicidal man.

  Or a ballpoint pen with which you can stain and ruin superhero costumes.

  It’ll be like James Bond, but, you know, villainous.

  A Coffee Shop

  To give off to passers-by the appearance of being a legitimate business. Plus, free coffee.

  A Colosseum-Style Arena

  Because you’re almost certainly going to need to have a couple superheroes fight to the death at some point. And hey, on a slow day, why not throw a couple henchmen in there!

  With a tiger!!

  And some acid!!!

  A Pool Room

  Where you can fill your swimming pool with pool tables while betting on a dead pool.

  Avoid

  An Employee Lounge

  The last thing you’re going to want your henchmen doing is lounging. Contrary to popular belief, idle hands aren’t the devil’s playthings.

  A Cave

  Too superhero-y, by far.

  A Bar

  If you’re going to drink, especially with your henchmen, you need to do it elsewhere . . . preferably where other people can clean up puke, blood, and henchman limbs so you don’t have to.

  A Room Where Reality Is Warped Beyond Recognition, Like an M.C. Escher Painting, Where Down Is Up, Up Is Down, the Walls Stretch To Infinity and To Stare Too Far Into the Distance Is To Peer Into the Face of Madness

  Neat if you’re trying to drive a superhero insane, but a serious bitch when it’s three in the morning and you’re just trying to get to the kitchen for a late-night grilled cheese.

  A Secret Access Tunnel

  Cool as hell, but to include it is akin to asking your rivals to find it, enter your stronghold, and take over. And you don’t need that.

  Stasis Tubes for Your Various Clones

  Clones are always a bad idea.

  First, because they give you a window into just how obnoxious and insufferable you are.

  Second, because they’re constantly melting.

  A Tribunal Chamber/Courtroom

  It might seem like a good idea to include a room where you can hold trials/examinations/crucibles, but you have to keep in mind that irony is always lurking around the corner, waiting to bite you in the ass. And irony loves it when you’re convicted and sentenced to execution in your own courtroom. Bet on that.

  A Hall of Justice

  I don’t even know why you would consider having this.

  PROFILES IN LAME SUPERVILLAINY

  Asbestos Man

  History: Chemist Orson Kasloff became a criminal after years of being a respected scientist failed to pay off the way he expected. He envied his fellow scientists, who he often saw riding around in Maseratis and banging super-models, like, every night, because that’s obviously what scientists do all the time. He didn’t get much respect as a criminal, though, and decided the best way to quickly gain a rep would be to defeat the Human Torch. So he challenged him to a fight in a letter and created an asbestos costume.

  M.O.: The Asbestos Man created a flame-retardant asbestos suit to fight the Torch and used a fancy net to rope him in. The Torch rendered him instantly useless when he broke Asbestos Man’s net. Then he laughed at him for wearing a suit that would cause him to inhale particles of a known carcinogen.

  Location, Location, Location: Some Common Hideouts and How They May (Or May Not) Work For You

  Abandoned Warehouse

  Pros: Inconspicuous and unlikely to be mistaken for an occupied warehouse, especially if you take time to break out all the windows; lots of floor space; usually located near docks, and we supervillains and other criminals are always doing shit at the docks.

  Cons: Not particularly luxurious; highly cliché, and therefore the first place superheroes are likely to look; sure to cause some awkwardness once some developer tries to rezone and make it into condos.

  Skyscraper

  Pros: Makes you feel awesome as you stand in your office and look down on the city you will soon crush; provides a great place for you to stare down your superhero rival as he or she floats outside; the appearance of legitimacy.

  Cons: Downtown property is extremely expensive; you might have to actually run a successful business; having to keep up the appearance of legitimacy.

  Underwater Fortress

  Pros: Hard for the police to get to; constant cool stuff going on behind you; the inevitability of a really cool sequence where you have to make it surface.

  Cons: One crack and you’re totally screwed, and superheroes will crack it, because they care about other people’s property not one bit; also, whale sex is disgusting.

  Cavernous Underground Bunker

  Pros: Space galore, and it’s easy to expand if you need to; transportation through cool tubes and tunnels; the giant ants can really be of use if you can control them.

  Cons: It’s what we at the ISS have, so to get one would really be biting our style; hard to light; very hot; the giant ants can really be a hindrance if you don’t know how to control them.

  Military Base

  Pros: Spread out over a large area so you’re harder to target; lots of vehicles on-hand; a good (bad) environment for yelling.

  Cons: Early mornings; constant walking despite the presences of numerous vehicles; the possibility of being mistaken for a real U.S. Army base and being closed due to budget cuts.

  Abandoned Amusement Park/Circus

  Pros: Very, very creepy; old rides provide the perfect venue for unnecessary chases; cages galore.

  Cons: Rickety old crap is sure to break, and superheroes have all the luck; henchmen are easily freaked out by clowns; cages galore.

  Remote Observatory

  Pros: Those giant telescopes look awesome and can easily be replaced with a cannon designed to destroy the moon; wear a lab coat and you won’t even look out-of-place; no one ever goes to the observatory anymore.

  Cons: Not a whole lot of space outside of the telescope room; hard to get to; the people who do come to the observatory . . . ugh.

  Inside a Volcano

  Pros: Easy to carve the shape of your face into the side; intimidating, especially if the volcano is still active; inconspicuous (unless you do the whole face-carving thing).

  Cons: Construction is very difficult and costly; volcanoes are rarely found in major cities, thus making your commute pretty lengthy; you could lose your whole operation in one earth-burp.

  Your Own Island

  Pros: Nice weather; lots and lots of space; no federal authorities to muck up your plans.

  Cons: No local population to torment; sand gets in everything; nice weather.

  Inside a Major Landmark or Monument

  Pros: Nothing says “I mean business” more than seizing the Eiffel Tower or Mount Rushmore; very picturesque; most are centrally located.

  Cons: Federal authorities are real assholes when it comes to their monuments; most don’t include any of the advanced computer equipment you need; tourists.

  Deep In a Large Canyon

  Pros: Many of the benefits of an underground headquarters, but with much less digging; river access; possible hidden alien technology.

  Cons: Donkey riding is really tedious; cave-ins are pretty much a given; possible hidden alien technology that could make you into a quivering ball of gelatin.

  Clock Tower

  Pros: Well-situated in a major city; gears and shit make for great fight staging; dramatic clanging during your climactic battles.

  Cons: Dramatic clanging at any other time is incredibly obnoxious; gears really hurt; the whole hero hanging off the clock hands
thing is totally played.

  An Ornate Building or Castle with Gothic Architecture

  Pros: Really makes a statement of your villainous power; pretty much the perfect thematic match for a supervillain; moats.

  Cons: Not terribly inconspicuous; drafty; difficult to repair after a superhero comes crashing through your hand-carved stone walls.

  Earth-Orbiting Satellite

  Pros: Damn near unreachable for superheroes who need oxygen and have no access to spaceships; looks super-cool; the Space Police barely pay attention to this sector.