Once a Demon

by Dina James

  Katrina only looked more confused at his reply. He went on, clarifying.

  “The Feast of Saint Joseph is a holy day in the Church, held every year on the nineteenth of March. Many years ago, on this day, I met her. Catrine.”

  The way he said the name sent an uncomfortable shiver down Katrina’s spine, and she drew her wrap tighter around her shoulders to hide it.

  “Yes,” Kyle said, looking at her. “A name very similar -unnervingly similar - to your own.”

  Kyle reached for his glass and sat back, staring into the liquid as he gathered his thoughts. He contemplated where to begin, now that he’d decided to answer her.

  “I am not Catholic, but tonight I will use you as my confessor, if the queen of the Destrati will consent to hear my confession, that is,” he said. “They say confession lightens the soul, but as I no longer have one, I can only believe that it is so. Will you, Katrina, hear my confession?”

  Katrina consented with a slow nod, wide-eyed, thinking it strange that he would ask her such a thing. Many vampires held to strange traditions, and permission was a big deal to ethereals. Nikolai had gone over and over that with her, teaching her how to construct her phrases, and the power of different word combinations that, if changed slightly, lost their magic completely. The fact that Kyle asked her for anything was enough to earn her consent, especially if all he wanted from her was a good listener.

  Kyle smiled a little and continued, though he lowered his eyes again to study the liquid in his glass.

  “She was beautiful. Not so tall, dark-haired, with deep brown eyes. Not attractive by modern standards, but beautiful nonetheless. Pure. Pure in all ways, down to her immortal soul. It radiated from her: an innocence so gentle it was almost brutal in its kindness. And strength. Not physical strength, though as far as that went in those days, she had that, too, but strength of spirit. Even mortals could almost feel it as they walked by her, not knowing what it was but yearning to be touched by it.”

  It was painful to hear Kyle talk this way. Katrina could hear the emptiness, the loneliness, the longing. The memory. But something told her he was far from finished, and she sat in rapt attention, listening to his melodic, hypnotic voice as he spoke. Truly, it was confessional.

  “I had been sent to murder her.”

  Katrina gasped. Kyle could hear her thoughts. She was screaming with denial inside. Though she had been exposed to this new and violent world for nearly a year now, where such brutality was trivial and commonplace, it still shocked her to hear Kyle speak of taking a life so casually.

  He continued, “But when I saw her, I could not fulfil my mission. I was struck by everything about her, and instead, I offered to walk her home, as her arms were laden with her morning shopping.”

  “Who sent you to kill her?” Katrina was pale.

  “My father.”

  “Who is your father?”

  “You need only repeat my true name and hear it for what it is to answer that, my lady,” Kyle said quietly, meeting her eyes. “Speak it, and hear.”

  “Kailkiril’ron,” Katrina obeyed, speaking the difficult Ancient name.

  Ancient. But it was unlike any name of any Ancient she’d come across, and she’d been studying in earnest, trying to learn as much as she could about the new world she had become a part of when she took Nikolai as her husband.

  “No, it’s not the name of an Ancient,” Kyle confirmed her thoughts. His pale eyes challenged hers. “Now, what am I called? Speak the whole of it.”

  “Kailkiril’ron the Be—,” Katrina began. The word caught in her throat, but she swallowed and forced it out. “Betrayer.”

  Kyle nodded. He held Katrina’s eyes and waited for the meaning to clarify itself to her.

  It didn’t take long. Kyle watched the realization cross her face and forced himself to endure it. He’d asked her to hear his confession, and he would endure the penance. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been exiled before.

  Katrina rose from her chair and backed away instinctively. “You’re a demon!”

  “Former, please,” Kyle said calmly, gesturing for her to sit down again in the chair she’d left. “Neither, thankfully, am I a true ‘vampire’. I’m not like your Nikolai or any other Destrati, or any other in any clan. I did not choose this existence. I am a true lost soul. A consciousness in mortal form that must live off the blood of those I betrayed my father - my Master - for. And just to additionally clarify, as I don’t wish to surprise you further, I am a former demon lord, not some common imp. There’s a significant difference. Please.”

  Kyle gestured to the chair again.

  Katrina slowly returned to it, looking at Kyle with new eyes. “I knew you were powerful,” she said quietly, glancing around nervously though no one could have been watching. “They all say so, and those who don’t speak of you with awe speak of you with contempt. I never understood why. But I didn’t realize. I don’t think any of them truly realize what you really are. You just toy with us, don’t you?”

  “Hardly,” Kyle said dryly. “I spend most of my time avoiding you, or have you forgotten that? Wasn’t it you that invited me here? Do you regret it now? Shall I go, now that you know the truth of what I am?”

  “No.” Katrina reached for his hand and covered it with her own, squeezing his gently. “And I’m sorry for my reaction. Demons . . . are frightening things, especially when the man you married has sworn himself to fight against them. I’m afraid I still think of myself as human, even though I’m not really. I saw The Exorcist when I was a kid and I haven’t ever forgotten it.”

  Kyle smiled and brought her fingers to his lips to brush a reassuring kiss across them. She was at least trying to understand, and that hadn’t happened in so very, very long.

  “May you forget that vile film. It isn’t remotely accurate where possession is concerned anyway. But always remember that you were once human,” he said, lowering their hands. He released hers gently. “It is important to remember what you were, even if you might wish to forget at times. Now, I believe you asked a question, and though you may have already answered it for yourself, I shall continue, as there is more.”

  He took a sip from his glass and chose his words carefully.

  “My father is, as you’ve no doubt surmised, the Fallen one named Lucifer.”

  “As in the Lucifer?” Katrina whispered. “As in, War Between The Sides, ‘I will not serve’, losing side, cast-down-into-Hell Lucifer?”

  “The same,” Kyle affirmed with a nod. “You know the tale. After angels, the Creator made humans, and a realm for them to live in. Man quickly became loved best above all things. One angel, the one who felt the most deposed, thought this unjust -this replacement - and formed a rebellion. He was met in battle by those loyal to their Father and lost. The rest you know. What you do not likely know, however, is that once cast down with those who had rebelled with him, Lucifer made new creations in his own image. Just as his Father had before him, he created beings to serve and worship him. I was one of the first among those creations. The only children Lucifer has are, as he so named us, demons, and we are all male, as he is. They do his bidding without question, out of blind loyalty, as I once did. Lucifer himself cannot leave the realm to which he is banished. He cannot leave Hell. However, he can send his children out for short periods for various purposes. There is far more to it than I’ve told you but, suffice to say, I was once first among Lucifer’s children and in command of his legions of demons. But then one day he issued an order I could not obey, which brings us back to my ‘betrayal’. My Catrine.”

  Katrina tried hard to grasp everything Kyle had said, but it didn’t quite make sense. She had a lot of questions, but decided to wait and see if things would become clearer as he went on. She nodded for him to continue.

  Kyle took a sip from his glass and spoke again.

  “As I’ve said, I could not obey and take the life of this beautiful creature. I could not deprive the world of so wondrous a thing as she. I didn’t
even know at the time what ‘beauty’ was or even that I found her beautiful. All I knew was that I could not harm her. I didn’t speak a word to her on the way to her home; I merely walked by her side.”

  Kyle laughed softly.

  “I must have made quite the picture,” he said, smiling at Katrina. “I was in this form, you see. It was slightly younger, but only slightly so, and easily inhabited. Demons, in case you don’t know this already, have a form of their own within their own realm (or if they have been summoned into another), but in this case I was in possession of this mortal. He was the most despicable of mortals, truly wicked and corrupt, which is exactly the conduit needed for possession. When I think back on it now, I marvel at her grace. His name ... I don’t even remember what it was, for I gave my true name to her; an unthinkable thing for a demon to do, let alone the lord of demons. She made a wonderful effort to pronounce it, and asked if she could shorten it to simply ‘Kail’. Of course I agreed. Words from her lips were unlike any I’d ever heard before. I have met many of the Host, and I can tell you now, no angel speaks as beautifully as she did.”

  Katrina smiled. “Love does things like that,” she said. “She probably didn’t sound angelic to anyone but you.”

  “Perhaps not,” Kyle agreed, still lost in his memories. “Again, I didn’t know anything about love, or beauty, or grace, but when I look back on it now, she was so gracious and polite that day. As I said, I was in possession of this form, inhabiting this body and sharing the corrupt soul within. It shames me now, knowing what she saw then, for this form was very dirty, with unwashed greasy hair infected with lice.”

  Kyle shuddered visibly.

  “Despite all that, she allowed me to carry her burdens and walk by her side until she reached her home. When she tried to offer me recompense for my aid, I shook my head and bid her farewell. I ran as far and as fast as this mortal form would carry me, and then left it as immediately as I could. But even in my own realm, returned to Hell, I could not forget her. She had robbed me of every desire except the one to be at her side.”

  “I can’t see you running from anything or anyone,” Katrina said, reaching for the bottle of diluted goat’s blood. She offered to refill Kyle’s drink, and he set his glass on the table for her to do so. “Especially a mortal. A mortal woman.”

  Kyle laughed a little before taking another sip from the freshened glass.

  “Oh, believe me, nor could I. I had never returned from a mission unsuccessful, and that was the only fact that saved me further inquiry as to why I hadn’t done my duty. After all, if Kailkiril’ron, Lord General could not fulfil the task, something must have gone terribly awry. Or so I let everyone believe. In truth, for days (and I mean ‘days in Hell’: time passes more quickly here compared to there) I was in agony. I paced and wondered and was generally more unpleasant than usual, even for those accustomed to my nature. My stoic composure would give way without reason to anger and annoyance, going instantly from one extreme to the other without provocation. I was truly more than a nightmare. I was dangerous and reckless, and it was noticed by others, but unquestioned, as one does not question the Lord General. Finally I realized I had no choice. I had to see her again. By the time I decided to return, nearly a year had passed in the mortal realm.”

  Katrina nodded. She sensed this wasn’t a good time to interrupt.

  “I knew what I was doing was strictly forbidden. I hadn’t been given orders to inhabit anyone, nor had I been told to attempt to fulfil my mission again. I was rebelling against everything and I knew it. What’s more, I didn’t care. I had to see her. So I made my excuses and left, seeking out the form I had used previously. I found it, but it was in dismal shape, worse than before, and a great distance away from where I had first taken possession of it. Well, that wouldn’t do.”

  “Why didn’t you simply choose another form, closer to where she was?” Katrina asked, taking a sip from her own glass. Though Nikolai had made her immortal and she didn’t need to eat or drink, she liked to keep up the semblance of normalcy. She couldn’t taste the metallic oiliness of the goat’s blood, but she drank it out of courtesy to their guest. She was proud of herself. A year ago she would have been utterly repulsed, but her husband drank blood to live. It was a lot like eating sushi, she supposed. Once you got over the realization of what you were putting in your mouth, it was easy to swallow.

  “I blame my failure to do just that on being a complete, unthinking idiot. And on being slightly selfish,” Kyle replied.

  “You wanted her to remember you,” Katrina accused, teasing him.

  “I plead very, very, inexcusably guilty on that charge,” Kyle said, laughing genuinely as he held up his hands in mock surrender.

  Katrina laughed with him, and had the sudden thought that it had been a long time since she’d actually shared a teasing laugh with someone. Sometimes when she and Nikolai were alone she could get him to laugh, but laughing with someone was different. This was unique and special. She enjoyed it.

  Kyle caught her thoughts without meaning to, effortless as always, and agreed that this was enjoyable. Nice.

  “So,” he continued, picking up the thread of his tale, “I set about cleaning up the mortal form I was ‘borrowing’, earning a little money, and generally trying to make myself presentable and somewhat respectable. After all, I wasn’t your average, everyday demon, and if she was going to see me, I wanted her to actually see me, not simply the pitiful mortal I was using.”

  “From here it doesn’t look like so pitiful a mortal,” Katrina observed, deliberately eyeing him up and down before winking at him.

  It had the desired effect, and Kyle smiled at her jesting.

  “She must have thought the same, for when I finally presented myself to her, she remembered me, and greeted me with a smile, by name.”

  Katrina bit her bottom lip in a wistful grin, almost bursting. “Oh, that’s wonderful!” She clapped her hands. “I was hoping she would remember you. She’d probably been waiting to see you again, all that time, wondering what had happened to you and what, if anything, she’d done to frighten you off.” Katrina giggled.

  “Indeed, she had,” Kyle said with a nod. “Just as you say.”

  Katrina nearly spit out the drink she’d just taken. “I wasn’t serious,” she said, looking at him incredulously. “That’s movie stuff. Not real life!”

  “Regardless, it was so,” Kyle said with a gentle smile. “Just as it is in fairy tales. It surprised me that she did remember, for time passes so quickly here. Nonetheless, she had been waiting, just as you say, to speak with me again. And all I could do was gaze at her. Every move she made was entrancement itself, from smoothing her dress to touching her hair.”

  His words faded as he lost himself in the memories of his Catrine. When he finally remembered himself, he apologized to his hostess for his inattention.

  “Don’t apologize,” Katrina said. She reached to pat his hand lightly, ignoring his almost imperceptible look of disapproval at her touch. “I asked, and it’s nice to hear you talk about her. Though I’m not sure I want to hear the end.”

  Kyle nodded and looked away. Yes, it ended. All things end. Even time itself would end one day. Some things simply ended before they should, or so he felt at times, even though he knew better.

  “For months, mortal months, we carried on thusly,” he went on, but his words had lost their enthusiasm. “I would visit and we would simply talk, or go for a walk, or I would carry her shopping from the market. I never entered her home.”

  Katrina nodded, indicating her continued attention and interest, but didn’t interrupt.

  “Catrine went every week to confession,” he continued. “And I would wait outside for her. Outside the churchyard. It was consecrated ground, and I could not set foot on it, but she would come from it happier and smiling, so I was always content to wait on her. I would have waited on her until the end of time. Winter was slowly giving way to spring, but March was exceptionally cold that year
. She was concerned that her offering to Saint Joseph for his feast day would be too meagre. I negated her concern. That led to a discussion of saints and souls and why I wouldn’t come to confession with her.

  “ ‘It’s so cold out here, Kail,’ she would say before going into the church. ‘At least come in from the cold and warm yourself. Won’t you please come in from the cold?’ She said those words so often. I never understood what she was talking about, because I didn’t feel the cold, or the warmth, or anything else like she did. And I told her so.”

  “Oh, Kyle,” Katrina said, swallowing hard as tears prickled at her eyes. “What did she say?”

  “I shouldn’t have been surprised, but she told me that she already knew I was different. She just hadn’t known how,” he answered. “And so my explanation of who and what I was didn’t surprise her exactly, but it distinctly unnerved her. All those months, unknowingly consorting with a demon. She accused me of befriending her so that I might take her soul. It was the one time I got angry with her. I told her that if I’d wanted that, I would have taken it already without having to spend so much time with her. She slapped me and refused to speak to me any more. But we had made plans for the Feast of Saint Joseph and I would not abandon her simply because she no longer wanted anything to do with me. At least, that’s what I told myself. In truth, I just didn’t want to be away from her, not even for a moment. I wanted her for myself, and I was unaccustomed to wanting for anything.”

  “How did she come back to you? Or did she?” Katrina asked, settling her nerves with another sip from her glass.

  A half-smile touched Kyle’s lips. “Demons are patient,” he said. “And again, time passes differently in the mortal realm, and though it was only hours to me without her, it was days to her. But even a mortal hour can seem an eternity when your soul is cut to the core, and I knew I had hurt her deeply. Why that concerned me, I didn’t know. I didn’t know demons could love.”

  “Demons can love?” Katrina echoed, her brow furrowing.