Finding Bliss (Bliss #1)

by Cassie Strickland

  “Over the next year, I decided to learn on my own, to see if Jonathan was right or not. At night, I searched the internet and learned everything I could, going over the scriptures Jonathan had ingrained in me. It was all so different. What he said didn’t match. But he was my brother – he was supposed to love me, right?” I shook my head, the inner turmoil I felt back then still hard to accept.

  “Why didn’t you say anythin’ to Galen?”

  “Fear. Jonathan had instilled a lot of it in me. He told me that Mom and Dad died as a punishment from God for keeping us apart.”

  Grey was stricken. “Shit. He made sure you wouldn’t open up to anyone.”

  I nodded. “I told you he was calculating. He was good at scheming to get what he wanted.”

  “Do you think he believed what he taught you?”

  “No. I don’t.” I bit my lip, holding back the pain as his taunting words from the past replayed through my mind. “Jonathan was highly intelligent. I don’t know how he did it, but at a young age he figured out the most efficient ways to manipulate. He was a psychopath in every sense of the word. I believe if he’d have sat down with a psychologist, he would’ve been diagnosed as just that. He was sick, Grey.”

  Grey shook his head. “I…I didn’t see that. At all. He was never like that.”

  “Do you know what the actual meaning of that term is?” I knew. I’d spent a lot of time with my psychologist going through this with her.

  His brows furrowed as he cocked his head to the side. “I guess…”

  I explained, anyway. “They can’t form emotional attachments or feel any real empathy. They can be disarming, charming, and very manipulative, which means they can gain people’s trust easily. Most are well educated and hold steady jobs, as well as have a full family life, without their true natures ever coming to light. They appear normal, a perfectly average Joe.”

  By the time I was done, Grey’s eyes were large and stunned. “Christ,” he whispered.

  “You probably would have never known. He was amazing at hiding it, using his silver tongue to get what he wanted.”

  “I can’t believe this,” he muttered. He pushed my feet off his lap and started pacing in front of the coffee table, running his hands through his hair repeatedly – a sure sign of his agitation.

  My heart dropped as I sat up, afraid he thought I was lying.

  God, I knew this was going to happen. I should have kept my mouth shut.

  “Then why the obsession with you?” Grey asked after a few minutes.

  I breathed a sigh of relief – he was processing everything, not doubting me.

  “I’m not all that sure,” I told him honestly. “All I know was that he was. Maybe it was because, in the end, I beat him. He couldn’t control and manipulate me anymore.”

  Grey nodded and joined me on the couch again, sitting closer to take my hand. “How’d you get away from him?”

  I sighed and relaxed into the couch cushions, wishing I could forget. Pulling strength from him through our connected hands, I continued, “He wasn’t at Galen’s all that long. He started college and moved into the dorms. He came home on the weekends a lot, but I had enrolled in a lot of extracurricular activities at school, making sure I had a reason for not being around him.

  “He tried to gain custody of me when he received his inheritance, but Galen refused. Luckily, Jonathan didn’t push it too hard. I mean, he tried giving me a guilt trip, hoping that I’d convince Galen, but I wouldn’t. I was too scared of the unknown.

  “Because he’d spent so much time drilling these things into my mind, it was too difficult to separate the lies from the truths. I was confused. All I wanted was for him to love me like a normal brother should. You have to understand, he was all I had left in the world. I’d find myself falling back into his charm over and over again, hoping and praying that he was right and I was wrong. I thought it would be so much easier if it were true.

  “It was a constant battle for me. And even though I didn’t see him much, he kept in contact, always calling or texting, meddling with my head. I hadn’t grown that close to Galen or Ava yet, either. They tried, but it was like Jonathan’s presence was there, even when he wasn’t, condemning me for having someone other than him.” I took another sip, needing a small break before I got to the worst part.

  “I won’t go into all the gory details now that you know the entire backstory. Things progressed after my sixteenth birthday. Jonathan told me it was time. He did this whole ceremony…like a marriage. Even though I let it happen – I was too afraid and too brainwashed to stop it – I only let it happen once. I was disgusted with myself afterward, and I knew that it was wrong. After that, he found ways to spy on me or corner me when I was alone…forcing himself on me, even though I clearly said no.”

  Grey sucked in a harsh breath and closed his eyes. “God, no,” he whispered, his voice full of pain. “He raped you.”

  I licked my lips and dipped my head as an added confirmation. “After six months of enduring it, I finally told Galen that Jonathan and I had a really bad fight. I didn’t tell him, though looking back I should have, but I made up some horrible lies. Galen wouldn’t let him see me after that. I thought I was free. I actually thought I’d gotten rid of him.”

  Again, my naivety was astounding.

  “But you didn’t.”

  “No, I didn’t.” I shook my head, sighing woefully. “Even though I thought I got away, I was officially a fucked-up mess. I started going to parties, hanging out with the wrong crowd, drinking and doing drugs. Sex wasn’t of any consequence to me, so I slept around, doing anything and everything to numb the pain.

  “I found out I was pregnant when I was seventeen. Learning that I was having a baby snapped me out of it. I realized what I was doing, how wrong I was. I didn’t even know who the father was, Grey. But a life, a baby, was now growing inside of me, one that would love me always, because that’s all I was looking for.”

  “Clara-”

  “I’m almost done,” I whispered with new tears rolling down my face. “Let me get it all out.”

  “Okay, darlin’.” He wrapped his arms around me and brought me in close, gathering me to him, offering me his support and comfort.

  “I hid the pregnancy from Galen and Ava as long as I could. I was scared of what they would do. I didn’t want to have an abortion. I loved my baby too much. I didn’t show all that much, so no one knew for six months.”

  I took a deep breath, building the courage to go on. God, this was agonizing. Remembering my baby girl always was.

  “Galen and Ava had to go out one night, leaving me at home alone. At this point, it had been over a year since I’d seen Jonathan, so I figured I was safe.” My voice cracked as a sob stuck in my throat. “He found me in the shower after they left. God, Grey, he looked so scary. Our eyes locked through the glass and I knew…I knew he was going to kill me.

  “He pulled me out of the shower by my hair as he screamed at me, raging at me at how I was his and that I’d let others touch me. He’d been watching me the whole time, seeing everything I’d done. He’d been waiting a long time to get me alone. He told me about my parents then, taunted me about how I was such an idiot for believing his bullshit, called me every horrible name imaginable. He explained how it all was a lie, everything he told me, every word he whispered.

  “He beat me so thoroughly, I lost my baby.” I hated saying those words, the loss never far from my heart and soul. “I would have died if Ava hadn’t forgotten to take her medication. They had to come back home early. Jonathan must have heard them – I’m not sure because I was barely conscious – and stopped. He got out of the house before they could see him. They found me on the floor, hemorrhaging.

  “I never got to see my daughter. They had to perform an emergency C-section, though she was already gone, while they repaired all the damage he’d done to me. I was in the hospital for weeks, but by that time, I was barely speaking. Like my mother, my mind broke. I was ins
titutionalized for almost three years. I didn’t tell anyone for almost two of those what happened that night. No one knew who did that to me.

  “Ava died while I was away, and Galen became my constant. He stood by me the whole time. When he found out what Jon did, he tried to get me to go to the police, but by that time, I was too ashamed, too broken. I thought I brought it on myself. I still sometimes feel that way.” Grey tried to interrupt, but I kept going, my mind in a different time. “I know it wasn’t my fault – it was Jonathan’s. But it took a long time to understand that.

  “I was released when I was twenty, which was when Galen had me come work for him. I built this perfect little world around myself, pushing everything outside of it aside. I slowly got better. I became friends with Paige, was able to tell her what happened to me without another mental breakdown, and started feeling a bit normal again.”

  “But then I called you and opened an old wound.” Grey’s voice was merely a whisper.

  “Yes.”

  “You never heard from Jonathan again?”

  “No, I’m not sure why. Maybe because he knew I could send him to prison. The roles were reversed, and I finally held the power. Who knows? I honestly thought I’d been free of him.”

  “Until today,” Grey added.

  “Yes, until today,” I confirmed, wiping tears from my eyes. “I didn’t know he was watching me. I should have known, though. After seeing Stacey’s picture, I should have.”

  Grey rested his chin on my hair and held me tighter. “Christ, Clara. No wonder you were scared out of your mind when you got here.”

  “Grey-”

  “Had I known, I would’ve never told you. I would have let you continue your life without any knowledge of him.”

  “Grey-”

  “You are far stronger than I thought, Clara. Jesus! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I brought it all back, without realizing what I was doin’. And Bella… He named his daughter that because of you. That sick son of a bitch.”

  More tears fell as I thought about Bella’s role in my life and how much she’d changed it for the better.

  “I don’t regret it, Grey. I’m glad you called. Bella means more to me than any pain he inflicted.”

  “I can see that.”

  “No, Grey. You don’t understand…” God, to say this out loud. “When Jonathan beat me, he systematically did it to ensure that I lost my daughter. All of his blows were to my stomach and back. There was so much damage to my insides,” my voice broke again, “I’ll never be able to carry a child. Ever. He took that away from me.”

  Grey pulled away from me and tilted my head up so that our eyes met. He had tears swimming in his. “I don’t have the right words to say-”

  “Shhh.” I stopped him and slid my palm under his strong jaw. “No, Grey. Don’t take this on. You had nothing to do with it. You might have refreshed a lot of old hurts, but you’ve also brought a lot of light into my life. I don’t regret coming here. I rejoice in it, actually. Having Bella is like an answer to prayers, and her life will be better because of it.”

  “Yeah, but-”

  “And I’ve found you. You have no idea how much you’ve done for me. Not only have you shown me kindness and support, but you've also opened my life to so much more than it was. You’ve slid past every roadblock I had to keep people away, and you did it easily. I’m happier, freer because of you.”

  His eyes closed, his face holding so much pain, as he nuzzled my palm. “You astound me, Clara. Thank you for tellin’ me, for trustin’ me with that.”

  “And thank you for not judging me,” I whispered.

  His eyes flew open, outrage brimming in them. “Judge you? Christ, Clara! You shouldn’t be held accountable for any of it. You were young and trustin’, exactly how you should’ve been. I’m just sorry you lived through that…that…that horror.”

  I swallowed thickly. “You have no idea how much that means. I thought…”

  “I know, Clara. I know what you thought, but you’re so wrong. I admire and respect you for pickin’ yourself up and movin’ on. I can’t believe you came here to face this after everythin’ that happened. It amazes me.”

  “Grey…”

  “I don’t want to hear you call yourself dirty. I never want to hear you say that any of it was your fault. And never apologize for things that happened to you. Someone should have protected you, because you are worth more than the hand you were dealt, Clara. So much more.”

  Wetness trailed down my face. Never once had I felt worthy. To see the utter conviction and fierceness in Grey was heartbreaking and soul-saving all at once – he made me believe it.

  “Come here, darlin’,” he whispered and scooped me up into his lap. He guided my head to his shoulder and wrapped his arms around me again. “No one will ever hurt you as long as I’m around. Never again.”

  I hiccupped a sob and pressed my face against his neck, crying out all of my pent up anger and self-loathing. It took a long time, but when I was done, I fell asleep listening to Grey’s thumping heartbeat against my ear.

  Chapter 14

  Grey

  I watched Clara as she slept, her pretty face finally peaceful. But my heart was shredded, tormented. I’d called a monster my best friend. I had brought him into my family, not understanding the danger that lurked.

  How did I miss this?

  How did I not see?

  I’d always thought I was a great judge of character. I would know whether or not to trust someone immediately. I was wrong, so thoroughly blinded. I should have seen Jonathan for what he was.

  God, what if he did something to people in this town? There were kids under his care for years. I couldn’t think about that now.

  I needed to get away. I needed to spend some time alone to process everything, to hide the building storm of rage gathering inside of me. I couldn’t let Clara see it. If she really saw how I felt, she’d close up again. It wasn’t pointed at her, though. I truly believed everything I told her – she was remarkable, and I respected every inch of her. I might have fallen a little harder for her, too.

  Even though she was young and innocent, she started trusting her instincts when she was confused and tormented. There was no telling what would have happened to her if she didn’t. That takes a lot of courage, especially after losing her parents so early in life.

  My skin prickled as my thoughts churned, replaying the heartbreak and fear in Clara’s eyes. My anger mounted as I imagined Jon doing all of those horrible things to her. I wanted to rip his head off. I wanted to pound my fists against something, anything.

  I carried Clara to the room and lay her in bed, like I did the other night. She sighed and snuggled into the pillow as she rolled to her side. I leaned over and kissed her temple before leaving her a note, letting her know I’d bring Bella home in a bit. I knew I needed to get back to Jonathan’s house, but if I did, I’d light a match and burn the damn thing to the ground. I had to cool off, relax.

  I climbed into my SUV with the plans of doing just that, when my cell rang. Seeing Dad’s name displayed on the screen, I answered reluctantly. “Hey, Dad.”

  “How’s Clara?”

  My temper spiked, but then I made myself calm down. “She’s tough. She’ll be all right.”

  “That’s good…that’s really good to hear,” he whispered, troubled. “Did she tell you what’s goin’ on? What that room’s about?”

  I wasn’t surprised by his curiosity. “Yeah…but I don’t think it’s somethin’ I’d like to share. It’s hers to tell.”

  “You don’t sound well, son. You okay?”

  I let out a harsh laugh. “No, I’m not. I… It’s bad, Dad. It’s really bad.”

  I heard him exhale and then mutter, “That’s what I was afraid of.”

  “I’m gonna go for a drive, clear my head. I…I’m a bit overwhelmed. I don’t think I can handle everyone’s questions right now. Can you manage there for a bit without me?”

  “Actually, I need you
back here. I wouldn’t ask, but you need to see this.”

  My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. “What?”

  “Sam showed up to help a few minutes after you left.”

  “Fuck, Dad. Did you tell her?” The last thing I needed was Sam’s meddling.

  “No, son, I didn’t.” He sighed heavily into the phone. “You know how your sister is. When she’s on a mission, she’ll go above and beyond for the cause.”

  I did know that.

  Dammit, Sam!

  “What happened?” I asked, not really wanting to know.

  “Justin told her about Clara when she showed up. Your friends were pretty spooked, but didn’t understand anythin’. Sam decided to go investigate. Before I could stop her, she found the room, Grey.”

  “Dad,” I growled, “I told you not to let anyone in there.”

  “This is Sam we are talkin’ about. You think I could’ve stopped her? I barely lived through her high school years because of her stubbornness.”

  “Shit,” I muttered.

  “Anyway, I think you need to see this.”

  “What is it?”

  “Just get here, Grey. It’s better if we show you.”

  “Fine. I’ll be there in a few.”

  I hung up and threw the phone in the seat next to me. I hit the steering wheel, infuriated by all of this shit.

  What else did you do, Jon?

  I had a feeling that this was just the tip of the iceberg.

  ♥♥♥

  I drove back to Jon’s as fast as could, but it was a blur. I had different scenarios going through my mind. Galen’s warning was also making me wonder – did Jon change or was he up to no good while he was here, using his position as the pastor as a smoke screen?

  Please God, don’t let that be the case.

  Dad’s truck and trailer were filled with boxes and furniture, as well as the back of Justin and Adam’s trucks. As I got out of my Tahoe, Sam came storming out the front door, stomping toward me.