A Girl Like Me

by Ni-Ni Simone

  “Don’t you think I know that?” she snapped. “Heck, I’m the one on lockdown forever.”

  “And you got what your hand called for, too.” I handed her a plastic hanger, for her next outfit. “You need to calm down, Naja, and stop giving into peer pressure—”

  “Peer pressure. Excuse you, Grandma,” she said sarcastically.

  “Call me whatever. Do you know you can die from drinking too much? Like, do you really understand that a lot of people could have gotten into trouble if you had been caught drinking?”

  “Elite, but—”

  “No buts, ’cause I’m so serious, Naja. You need to get it together, for real. Because I’m not going along with that craziness anymore, ai’ight. So whether it’s ‘borrowing clothes’ or ‘getting drunk at the club,’ count me out.”

  “You really mean that?”

  “Yes, look—I’ve had drugs and shit ruining my life, which is why I try to stay away from them. And I don’t want the people I love gettin’ high, drunk, or having to go through anything that I have. Which is why I’m saying, all of this”—I waved my hand over the clothes—“is a wrap for Elite Juliana Parker.”

  “Awwl, Elite, you love me?” she gave me a goofy smile.

  “Of course I do. We’re best friends, but if you try that shit you did at the club, our friendship is a wrap.”

  “Whatever,” she laughed. “But as far as this ‘borrowing clothes’ stuff, I can’t handle the pressure either, especially with Thelma suspicious.”

  “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

  It took us an hour to return everything, and as we placed the last item on the rack, Thelma and two male customers walked in. “Elite, Naja,” she said sternly, “I need to see you.”

  “Now?” I said. “Or when we are about to close?”

  “Now. Right now.”

  Naja sighed. “Thelma, if we leave no one will be watching the floor.”

  “Oh,” Thelma said snippy. “I have someone watching the floor at all times.”

  “If you say so,” Naja said as we followed Thelma to the back of the boutique. I noticed the men, who I thought had been customers, were coming behind her.

  “Who are they?” Naja mumbled under her breath.

  “I don’t know,” I mumbled back.

  “Excuse me, Thelma. What’s going on?” I asked her while looking at the men suspiciously.

  “You two have been stealing from here,” Thelma said without hesitation, “and I am pressing charges.”

  “Huh?” Naja and I said simultaneously with surprise. My heart thundered in my chest and immediately my throat clogged. But then again, maybe I heard wrong. “What did you say, Thelma?”

  “Don’t try and lie!”

  “Lie about what?” Naja protested.

  “Stealing!”

  “Huh?” Naja and I said simultaneously again.

  “Don’t huh me,” Thelma snapped. “I was so hurt and disappointed when I found this out, I absolutely couldn’t believe it was you two. But then you tried to take the tape out…” She shook her head in disgust.

  “Thelma—”

  “Be quiet, because you’re about to lie.”

  “I wasn’t.”

  “Stop it! Because what you didn’t know is that there is a backup tape. Where I was able to see the whole thing.” She looked at me with tears in her eyes. “I’m really disappointed in you two. I thought you were the best workers I had. And Elite, you were the assistant manager. Why would you do this?”

  I started to tell her that it was because I was stupid, but quickly changed my mind.

  “It wasn’t Elite,” Naja said. “It was me. Don’t arrest her, arrest me.”

  “Naja,” I said and jerked my neck in surprise. “It wasn’t just you. It was both of us.”

  “No, it was my idea.”

  “Whoever’s idea,” Thelma interrupted, “it doesn’t matter. You can figure that out when you get to court, but you’re both being arrested.”

  “Thelma—” I attempted to speak to her again.

  “I don’t want to hear it.”

  “Let me explain—”

  “Explain it to the judge!” she said as the men, who we soon discovered were Short Hills police officers, grabbed us by the wrists and twisted our arms behind our backs. Naja started to scream and cry, while tears rolled silently down my cheeks. It’s no way life got any worse than this.

  “You have the right to remain silent…” The officers read us our rights while handcuffing us. Afterwards, they escorted us out the back entrance of the mall to their police car, where we were pushed into the backseat.

  Handcuffed and on our way to the precinct, I looked out the window and stared at the reflection of myself. I knew stealing was wrong, but I never thought I would get arrested. I had no idea what I was gonna do because, unlike Naja, I didn’t have a mother and father who would come and pick me up.

  Once we arrived at the police station, we were placed on a wooden bench, handcuffed to it by one hand, and instructed to use the other hand to call our parents. If they didn’t come get us within the hour, we’d be hauled to downtown Newark to the Youth House.

  Tears filled my eyes as I stared at the phone, ’cause I didn’t have even one number to call.

  “I’ma—I’ma—” Naja stuttered, “die.”

  “Would you stop crying so loud?” I looked at her like she was crazy. “But then again, keep it up and maybe they’ll put us out for being cry babies.”

  “You cracking jokes. I’m about to die, and you’re telling jokes.”

  “That sounded like a joke to you? Please. But what happened to you being all tough?”

  “I was okay until they put handcuffs on me…now I want my mommy.” She began to wail again. “My mother and father gon’ kick my ass. They raised me better than this. And here I am, disgracing the family.”

  “Naja—”

  “My mother,” she sobbed, “my mother…she already told me I was lucky to have survived the car situation, and now this.”

  “At least you have someone to call. Please, my mother is out roaming the streets.”

  Naja was silent for a moment, then wailed even louder. “We both jacked up…. awwl! Lawd, helpus. I’m sorry, Elite. We in a hot mess! Why couldn’t Thelma just have us do the dishes. What happened to those days?”

  “Naja, please,” I said as she nervously picked up the phone and called her parents. “Mommy—Mommy,” she stuttered. “I have something to tell you!”

  “What?” I heard Neecy scream through the phone.

  “They may be putting me on death row. Life as we know it,” she wailed, “awwll no! Jeeeeeesussssss! Life as we know it may never be the same. I love you,” she continued to cry. “Fight for world peace, fight against hunger, vote for Obama, and be strong for me.”

  God, how I wanted to smack her in the back of her head. “Ask them to come get you, fool!”

  “Oh, yeah”—she wiped her eyes—“can you come and get me from the Short Hills police station? We got into a li’l itty bitty situation.”

  “What?” I heard Neecy scream.

  “Don’t panic, Ma.” Naja had the nerve to try and reassure somebody. “It’s not what you think. Thelma just didn’t like us borrowing clothes from the boutique and not exactly telling anyone.”

  I could’ve sworn the phone flew off Naja’s ear, because all I heard was a buncha screaming and Neecy saying over and over again, “You just wait ’til I see you!”

  When Naja hung up, she shook her head.

  “What did she say?”

  “She said that tonight may be the night she gives me up for adoption.”

  “Well, hell.” I placed my chin in the palms of my hands. “I know I’m doomed then.”

  This had to be the worst, especially since I didn’t know what my fate would be. At least Naja had someone to call. Me, well I would have to deal with whatever came my way.

  “Where are they at?” soon screamed its way through the pre
cinct.

  “You go ahead on home,” Naja said, “and pretend you’re me. I’ma just chill out here for a li’l while.”

  “Naja!” her mother screamed. “I’ma beat the junk out of you!”

  “Neecy!” her father snapped. “You gots to chill.” Then he looked at Naja and said, “I’ma whup yo’ ass!”

  Dang, I ain’t never heard him say that before.

  “Naja!” Neecy screamed. “You hear me talking to you?”

  “You have reached…” Naja said, sounding like a computerized operator, “a number that is no longer in service.”

  “Oh, now you out of order?! Yo’ ass shoulda been outta order when you and Elite were up there at ya job stealing those clothes. I promise you I won’t leave neither one of y’all alone in my house anymore! Buncha skutter-buttah thieves! And here Mom-Mom was watching TV and said somebody who looked like you two robbed a bank she owned. Now I’m really starting to think it may have been you two.”

  “Ma’am,” one of the officers said. “Which one are you coming to get?”

  “Both of them,” she snapped.

  I blinked in disbelief.

  “They’re both your daughters?”

  “Yeah.”

  After Neecy signed a few papers, Naja and I were released. Naja was visibly shaken, while I was just relieved to be getting out of there.

  As we drove, Neecy continued to go off, some of it I heard and some of it I didn’t. “Maybe you two,” she said as we pulled in front of my building, where I noticed there were fire engines, “don’t need to be best friends. Cause every time you’re together, something horrible happens.”

  I was too busy trying to figure out what the fire engines were doing, and why I could’ve sworn I heard Mica crying, yet couldn’t find him, to pay much attention to what Neecy had to say.

  I didn’t even acknowledge her statement. Instead I got out of the car and walked toward the entrance of my building. “Elite,” Neecy said as she and Naja walked behind me. “What is going on here?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, we gon’ find out.” She grabbed me by my hand and led me into the building, where I spotted two social workers, taking the twins and Mica with them.

  “What’s going on?” I yelled, tears bubbling in my eyes.

  “Are you Elite?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, you have to come with us.”

  “And why is that? And where are you taking these children?” Neecy demanded to know.

  Mica and the twins were crying and screaming at the top of their lungs, trying to reach for me, but the social worker held them back.

  “Let me talk to them!” I yelled.

  “Calm down,” one social worker insisted.

  “I’m not calming nothing down! Let me talk to them.”

  She allowed them to come to me and they all ran, hugging my legs. Neecy started talking to the social workers while I wiped my brother and sisters’ tears and asked them, “What happened?”

  “You were late,” Aniyah cried.

  “And we thought you weren’t coming back,” Sydney added.

  “So I asked Aniyah to cook me something to eat,” Mica said sadly, “and she did. But it was only a small fire, nothing big.”

  “But it could’ve been worse!” one of the social workers chimed in. “Now, can you tell us where your mother is?”

  “I don’t know.” I looked at her. “I really don’t.”

  “Well, since Deniece Jones here said you could stay with her, we have to take your brother and sisters to a foster home.”

  “What?” I was in disbelief.

  “Here.” She handed me a card. “Have your mother call the office first thing in the morning.”

  I couldn’t believe it, but I tried to be as strong as I could. “Listen,” I said to Mica and the twins, “everything will be okay. You listen to what the ladies say and be on your best behavior.”

  “I don’t wanna go!” they cried.

  “And I don’t want you to go, but you have to. Okay?”

  “Yes,” they cried. “Are we gon’ see you again?”

  A lump filled my throat as I realized the answer to that question was that I didn’t know. “Yes,” I said to them, holding my tears back. “You will.”

  I stood up straight and as I watched them leave, I felt as if someone was slicing my heart out, and just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I realized the world had ended. I wasn’t sure if my feet were moving as I followed Neecy out of the building and watched my sisters and brother leave in the back of a state car. I didn’t know how I was living and breathing because my heart had fallen out.

  Neecy placed her arm around my shoulders and I completely fell apart. I felt Naja’s hand on my back, rubbing it, as if she were trying to make me feel better, but at that moment I didn’t think that anything ever would.

  As we headed back to the car, I felt like we’d stepped into a sea of flashing cubes, as reporters were taking my picture, sticking microphones in my face, and asking me questions.

  STUCK

  My whole world was spinning. I had a headache, and I felt like I might just curl up and die. It was like…I wanted to cry but I didn’t know how to cry. Even though when I don’t want to cry, I can’t make myself stop. I had been sitting in the middle of my apartment floor for hours, with my knees pulled to my chest, listening to the echo of my own voice or the sighing of my own breath, not understanding why this was happening to me. All I wanted to do was take care of my sisters and brothers, and somehow in the midst of all of it, be a teenager, too.

  But my pain wasn’t about me being a teenager, it was about me disappointing Ny’eem, Mica, Aniyah, and Sydney. They’d depended on me, and look what I’d done.

  I held my head down and cried into the fold of my knees until tears filled my eyes and snot clogged my nose.

  An hour into wondering exactly when I’d died and gone to hell, I heard a key turning in the door, my mother laughing, and Gary saying, “Hur’ up, I gotta pee.”

  I continued to hold my head down as I wiped my face.

  “Elite,” my mother called to me as I heard Gary run toward the back. “Why you sittin’ there?”

  I held my tear-stained face up and looked her directly in the eyes. All sorts of nasty things to spit at her ran through my mind, but instead of slapping her with what I really wanted to say, I sat quietly and watched her look around the room. “Where the kids?”

  I just shook my head.

  “Elite? You hear me talking to you?”

  Silence.

  She walked over and stood directly in front of me. “Why are you crying?” She walked away from me and started roaming the apartment. She threw open all the doors and started calling their names, “Aniyah, Mommy’s home. Mica, come ’mere. Syd!” She repeated herself, “Aniyah, Mommy’s home. Mica, come ’mere. Syd!” Tears formed in her eyes. “Lee-Lee, where the babies?”

  I stood up and squinted. “Babies?” I couldn’t believe she said that. “‘Lee-Lee, where are the babies?’” I turned my head from side to side in disbelief. “‘Where are the babies?’ How about this: where you been? Where’s their mother? Where’s she at? Getting high, sucking a glass pipe? Being a junkie in the hallway, in the street, running off with some scallywag ass bum—”

  “Excuse you?” Gary said as he came out of the bathroom. “What you say?”

  “Scallywag ass bum!” I jerked my neck so hard, it was a wonder I didn’t spit in their faces. Tears were threatening to spill down my cheeks again, but I was determined not to cry. “Huh, Ma?! ‘Where are the babies?’ For the last eight years, you haven’t had no dang babies. All you had was some rock! I had the babies. I had them. You have done nothing but run the streets and leave us here to fend for ourselves. Do you know how many nights we went to bed hungry, crying, wet, wondering where you were? Babies?! Do you even know them? Do you know their favorite color, what they like, their favorite television show? Do you know why Mica d
resses in that stupid ass sheet? Because he thinks that Superman is the only one that can save you, and that’s what he wants to become—Superman! All of this for you. Do you know I was arrested for stealing? And instead of being able to call you, Naja’s mother had to come and get me? Do you know anything about me? Do you even think about Ny’eem, who’s locked up and can’t come home until you are able to take custody of him, and you knew that, and what—what has changed about you? I’ll tell you what has changed. The time of the day—nothing else—and if anything, you’ve gotten worse!

  “So you wanna know where your babies are? They’re in foster care, where they’re going to be adopted because you don’t know how to be a mother. All you know how to be is a junkie!”

  No matter how hard I tried to hold them back, tears poured down my face to the point where they were blinding me.

  My mother stood there in shock. I’d never seen her look like this. Almost as if she’d seen a ghost, or better yet, was going to kick my butt. But the way I felt, I was willing to take on the challenge. I didn’t care anymore. I really didn’t. I had nothing, and she had even less than that.

  She leaned against the wall beside where I was standing and slid to the floor. She pulled her knees and cried into the folds. I just looked at her. I wanted to hold her and hug her and tell her everything was going to be alright. But this time I couldn’t…because honestly I didn’t know what being alright was anymore.

  I turned around, walked toward the front door, and slammed it behind me.

  SPIN IT…

  Track 22

  For the next two days I was a zombie. Haneef called me a million times but not once did I answer the phone. I’m not sure if I was embarrassed, or I simply wasn’t feeling it anymore. Truthfully, I couldn’t tell if I was coming or going and really, I’m not sure I cared. I felt like…like, everything was lost. What had happened to the mornings where I would wake up and get everybody together, and yeah, maybe, deep down we all missed our mother and wished she was there, but I did what I had to do.

  I really thought I had it together, but…I had nothing to show for it…nothing…

  I turned over on my side, looked at Naja’s wall that was covered with pictures we’d taken in downtown Newark in front of a spray painted backdrop which read Brick City, and cried myself to sleep.