A Girl Like Me

by Ni-Ni Simone

  “It was the truth—”

  “Nothing you say is the truth! You played the hell out of me and then you didn’t even have the decency to tell me?! You do dirt but then you don’t man up to it. I have to turn on the TV and see you standing there holding hands and kissing this chick, and then I’m dismissed as being absolutely nothing. Like garbage. My whole life has been exposed—ruined—”

  “Don’t blame all of that on me. It is not my fault that you lied—”

  “Maybe not, but it is your fault that you lied.”

  “Elite, do you know what I risked being with you?”

  “Now I was a risk?” I knew he hadn’t put his hands on me, but I felt like he’d slapped me across the face.

  “Hell, yeah, Elite—”

  “Oh, now you calling me Elite—”

  “Look, I need you to understand that when you’re out there in the limelight, in the public eye, those people who don’t know you don’t care anything about you. All they care about is what they think. I’m not allowed to be human. I have to be fake—”

  “Good, then you and Deidra should make a perfect couple, and you can get out of my face!”

  “I’m not with Deidra!”

  “I can’t tell!”

  “Because you’re not listening!”

  “I don’t wanna hear it!”

  “Elite—” Neecy walked into the living room and looked Haneef up and down. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry for being so loud.”

  “Okay, baby, well let me know if we got something that needs to be handled around here.” And she walked backwards out of the room.

  “Haneef, look—”

  “Li’l Ma—”

  “Save that for Deidra.”

  “Would you stop cutting me off—I’m trying to tell you that I love you.”

  “And I’m trying to tell you that I don’t care. I’m tired of trusting, of letting myself believe that people are true, of feeling that maybe I need to give this one a chance and that one a chance. No—no more chances. You and that sorry ass love you got can go back to Fakeville, where you came from, and I don’t ever want to see you again. Ever!” I ran into Naja’s room, grabbed the chain Haneef had given me, and threw it at him. He caught it before it fell to the floor.

  “Elite—”

  “I said leave!”

  “Are you serious? You don’t want to hear anything I have to say.”

  “No, nothing. Now get out.”

  Haneef walked over to me and grabbed my hands. I tried to snatch them away but I couldn’t fight his grip. “I love you and I will always love you, but if you want me to bounce then I’m out.”

  “You do that.”

  He kissed me on my forehead. “I hope one day we can work this out.” He kissed each of my eyes and instantly tears fell out. He let go of my hands and I watched him walk out the door, get into his Hummer, and leave.

  SPIN IT…

  Track 26

  School was finally over and things had totally changed for me. With the exception of Naja, I didn’t really say much of anything to anyone, and for the most part all I did was go to school, go to my new job as a cashier at CVS, and back home again. Occasionally I’d visit with my sisters and brothers, but even they had grown extremely distant. I grew tired of telling them to stop talking about their foster home as if that was where they actually lived, and I grew exhausted of giving them instructions on how they better call their foster parents Mr. and Mrs. Not Mom and Dad. And after a while I just got agitated, aggravated, and defeated, so I kept going to the visits because I wanted to see Mica and the twins, but at the same time, the way I felt when the visits ended made me think about not going anymore.

  While everyone in school was running around saying their good-byes, I told Naja I was working overtime and would meet her at home later. As I headed to the bus stop, I heard a horn beep and someone call my name. “Elite, over here!”

  When I looked up, it was Mrs. Jameson!

  “Hey,” she waved. “You got a minute?”

  “Yes.”

  She pulled to the side of the street and I walked over to her car. “I’m glad I caught up with you.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then why were you looking for me?”

  “Because I didn’t get a chance to call you yesterday, but if you have time I really would like to do a special visit with you and your family.”

  “I would love to see my sisters and brother but I just always feel misplaced and sad when the visits are over.”

  “Elite, I know it’s hard. It’s not easy for any child in this situation but there are families that sometimes need extra help in getting things right and getting life back in order. And your family happened to be one who needed our help.”

  “Yeah, but I just feel like everyone looks down on us.”

  “Listen, your family is special, and no one in this world is better than anyone else. You don’t worry about those other people.”

  “But my entire life has been played out in the papers and all over the internet. You had to know who my ex-boyfriend was.”

  “Guess what? It doesn’t matter to me. You’re special and that’s all that counts. Now come on, I think you’re going to be glad you came to this visit.”

  When we arrived at the social service office, the twins and Mica were already there. “Elite!” They ran over and hugged me tightly.

  Every time I saw them, I realized how much I missed them. “Oh, I missed you guys so much.”

  “Elite, I wanna show you my report card!” Mica screamed. “I got all As!”

  “And me, too!” Sydney screamed.

  “Well, I got a few Bs but I’m still smart,” Aniyah snapped.

  “That’s right, Aniyah!” I said. “Because I got some Bs, too. So come on and let’s sit down. What’s been going on with you guys?”

  “Well, did Mrs. Jameson tell you about Mommy?”

  I looked at Mrs. Jameson, who was standing near the doorway, and said, “Tell me what about Mommy?”

  “That I’m clean now.” My mother walked into the room and I couldn’t believe it. She was absolutely beautiful! Her hair was cut into a one-sided bob and dyed honey-blond. She completely filled out a pair of size twelve jeans like she never had before, her skin was flawless, her eyes were clear, and she wasn’t high. For the first time in a long time, she wasn’t high. She was so pretty that even Mica and the twins were amazed.

  “Is anyone going to give me a hug?” The twins and Mica ran to her while I sat there staring in disbelief. “Elite,” she called to me.

  I stood up and then I walked over slowly, practically falling in her arms. “You look beautiful! Really beautiful!”

  “And I feel even better.”

  “Mommy, we missed you soooooo much!” Sydney said.

  “And I missed you, too, more than you’ll ever know. Now look, I wanna tell you something.” She sat down in a chair and we gathered around her. “I know that I have done some pretty ugly things and none of that has been your fault. It was all mine. I will do my best to do everything I need to do to get you home, okay? Everything.”

  “Yes!” the twins and Mica screamed. I was a little more reluctant. I knew better than to think that someone had a magic wand and suddenly a perfect life would appear.

  The visit lasted for about an hour and although I was happy to see my mother, I didn’t say much to her. After all, it was all new to me. For seventeen years I knew how to handle the mother who stayed high all the time, but it had only been an hour, and I had no idea how to handle the mother who was sober. And I didn’t dare dream because all my dreams seemed to blow up in my face.

  “Okay, Mica, Aniyah, and Sydney, time to get ready,” Mrs. Jameson said. “Mrs. Wilson is waiting to take you back.”

  After the twins and Mica said their good-byes, Mrs. Jameson said, “Give me a moment and I’ll drop you two off.” She excused herself from the room. />
  “I’m glad she left for a minute,” my mother said, I guess in an attempt to make small talk.

  “Yeah,” was all I could think to say in response.

  “Elite, I know this is all new to you, and I know the last time we saw each other it wasn’t pleasant.”

  “Ma, I’m just—I’m just scared.”

  “I know you are and I’m scared, too, but I’m ready to do what I need to do to get my children home and my family back in order. I know that I have caused you a lot of pain, and when you’re ready, I would like it very much if you would work on forgiving me so that we can see how we need to do this mother and daughter thing.”

  “I love you, Ma.” I hugged her tightly. “I love you more than you’ll ever know!”

  “So does that mean you’re ready to come home?”

  “Yes! Whenever Mrs. Jameson tells me I can go home, I’m there.”

  “Well, how’s let’s say,” Mrs. Jameson said while walking back into the room, “today?”

  My mother and I looked at her like she was crazy, and smiles ran across both of our faces. “Today?” we both said.

  “Yes. Your mother completed her inpatient program. She’s in her outpatient program, and I really don’t see why not.”

  “Ma, do you want me to come home?”

  “Are you kidding me? Of course I do. I couldn’t think of anything at this moment that I would want more.”

  We hugged tightly and although we rode in a car, I felt like we practically skipped to Naja’s. We waved good-bye to Mrs. Jameson and went inside. I held on to my mother’s hand like I was a five-year-old kid, and when we walked inside, Naja’s dad looked at my mother and said, “Damn.” Neecy slapped him across the back of his head and he said, “Nawl, what I meant to say was Yup-Yup.”

  “Anyway,” Neecey said, “Cassie, you look fantastic!”

  “Thank you,” my mother said. “I really want to tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for my daughter. You all took her in and treated her like family when you didn’t have to. And I really thank you for that.”

  “Elite is a lovely girl. She and Naja have gotten into some things, but she’s still a good kid and we love her.” My mother and Neecy hugged and wiped a few tears away. “Okay, now look, I got a buncha stuff on the grill, some ice cold sodas, and some serious music out back. I don’t know about you, Cassie, but I partied hard in the eighties, and I got a Salt-n-Pepa mix tape that’s cold, feel me?”

  We all cracked up and headed to the backyard, where we danced, sang, and ate like crazy. Despite my heart still aching over Haneef, I’m sure that it was the best day of my life.

  SPIN IT…

  Track 27

  It was sort of weird living back with my mother, especially living with her by myself. But true story, what was mad strange—but in a good way—was living with her being sober. Having a sober mom meant having someone who cared about where you went, what you did, and when you were coming home. Having a sober mother meant having someone who wanted to talk to you, truly get to know you, and I was definitely gonna ask her for money. She’d gotten a job at the hospital working in housekeeping.

  She was sooooo proud of herself and I was, too. It was nice to see her become a new woman and I had to admit, it was even nicer having her to myself. Even if she got on my nerves about wanting to know my every move. But given what I’d been through, I could deal with that.

  “Ma,” I yelled from my room as I slid on my shoes. “I’m about to leave for work.”

  “Okay.” She stood in my doorway and leaned against the frame. “What time will you be getting off?”

  “About ten or eleven tonight.”

  “Okay, well call me first and I’ll walk down there to meet you. I don’t want you walking home alone.”

  “I’ll be catching the bus, Ma.” I placed my purse on my right shoulder.

  “That’s right,” she said as she snapped her fingers. “Well then, call me when you get to the bus stop, and I’ll come meet you—”

  “Ma, I’ll be okay.”

  “I know, but I just worry about you.”

  “Ma, you’re being extra.”

  “Lee-Lee, I don’t mean to be extra. Well…” she said, then paused, “I do mean to be extra. I just missed so much of your life, and for so long you were the mother around here and you never got to be the child—”

  “Ma, you being sober is one of the greatest gifts you could give me. Now if you would excuse me, I need to go.” I kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you.”

  “Oh, did I tell you the courts are going to let Ny’eem come home soon?”

  “They dealt with his charges?”

  “Yep, they had him complete a special program, which he did, and he should be back home with us sooner than you think.”

  “Yay!” I hugged her. “I miss him so much.”

  “I do, too. So, are you ready?” she asked me while grabbing her purse.

  “Ready for what?”

  “For work.”

  “What? You plan on going to work with me? Something I need to know about?” I asked with playful sarcasm in my tone.

  “No smarty, but I am going to walk you to the bus stop.”

  “Okay, Ma,” I sighed. Telling her not to come would be wasted breath. “Come on.”

  As we walked out of the building, my mother looked up and down the block. “I wish I could save enough money to get us out of here,” she said as we started toward the bus stop. “This place is just the pits.”

  “It’s okay, Ma. You’re doing the best you can.”

  “I know, but I feel like I owe you so much.”

  “You need to stop worrying, please. You’re doing the right thing. Did you go to your N.A. meeting this morning?”

  “I sure did, and the group leader was fine, too.”

  “You are not supposed to be looking at men,” I joked.

  “I know and believe me, I’m not interested, not at this point in my recovery anyway. But I’m sayin’, though, I’m not dead.”

  “Uhmm hmm, you’re just fresh.”

  “Speaking of being fresh, what happened between you and Haneef?”

  My heart jumped and the pain I’d been fighting like hell to be rid of ached again. “Ma, I really don’t wanna talk about that.”

  “Okay, Lee-Lee…well just tell me this. Do you think you’ll ever forgive him?”

  “Ma,” I said as I shook my head and I felt tears sneaking up into my eyes. “I went through hell while I was with Haneef.”

  “It wasn’t his fault though, Elite.”

  “No, not all of it. But it was just so much being with him, with the whole world in my business, and then Deidra.”

  “Who is Deidra?”

  “His girlfriend.”

  “I thought you were his girlfriend. Was he cheating on you?”

  “You know…sometimes I feel like maybe he wasn’t, but then when I saw them on TV and he kissed her, I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

  “Did you ask him about that?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And what did he say?”

  “I didn’t give him a chance to explain.”

  “So, you really don’t know what they were to each other.”

  “Ma, I can see. I have eyes and then he lied to me.”

  “Okay, maybe he shouldn’t have lied. And he shouldn’t have been kissing this Deidra chick either. But in that business, Elite, so much goes on, maybe it was publicity.”

  “Yeah, right.” I twisted my lips as we stopped at the bus stop and flagged the oncoming bus. “It wasn’t publicity. He was just a liar.”

  After I boarded the bus and took my seat, I started to wonder if maybe it was publicity…and maybe…maybe I could forgive him. But, nah. I didn’t even want to think about that. I had things just perfect, and the only problem I had was getting my heart to believe what my brain was telling me.

  SPIN IT…

  Track 28

  “Lee-Lee,” my mother called,
waking me up out of my sleep. “Do you know someone named P-Twenty-Five…?”

  P-Twenty-Five? “No!”

  “Oh, what’s your name, baby?” I heard her say. “P-Thirty, no P-Fifty. What kinda name is that? I’m sure ya mama named you something decent.”

  P-Fifty? Was she talkin’ to P-Fifty? What was he doing here? I snatched the phone off the receiver and called Naja. “Naja,” I said as she answered the phone. “I think P-Fifty is here.”

  “I’m on my way!” she screamed and then hung up.

  “Well, I’m sorry,” I heard my mother say as I started throwing on clothes. “If you don’t have another name besides P-Thirty-Five, you can’t come in here to see my daughter.”

  I was praying for her to stop. “Ma,” I said as I ran into the other room and saw P-Fifty standing there with Young Run, a new rapper who’d just come out. “Wait, I know him.”

  “You know him?” She looked at me like I was crazy. “Well, who the hell is he? And pull ya pants up.” She frowned at Young Run. “And take off ya hat in my house.”

  “Ma, it’s alright.”

  “Where they at?” Naja said as she flew in the door.

  “Excuse me?” My mother looked at Naja as if she’d lost her mind.

  “Young Run!” Naja said in a pant, grabbing his arm. “I’m Naja and I’m single.” She looked at P-Fifty, “I can sing, too.”

  “Oh,” I shook my head, slapping my hand over her mouth. “Please, please don’t.” I turned to P-Fifty. “We’re just excited to see you here. Uhmmm, just never expected you would come over as a guest.”

  He smiled. “Listen, I won’t be long. But Young Run here is a protégé of mine and you heard his hit single that’s out right—”

  Course Naja started dancing and singing, “It’s official, I’m on a mission…” She started to rap, “Hollah, yeah, we heard of that. That’s wassup, that joint is fiyah.”

  “All of this is just too much for me,” my mother said. “I’m just gon’ have a seat.”

  “Sorry to disturb you, ma’am,” Young Run said.

  “But check it,” P-Fifty said to me. “We’re about to work on Young Run’s new CD and after hearing you sing with Haneef, I couldn’t get your face and your voice off my mind. So I wanted to offer you an opportunity to record with Young Run, as well as offer you a record deal.”