Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man

by Tim Allen

  I said, "Mom! Mom! Guess what?" She said, "What's wrong?" because I wasn't calling at my usual time. And even then no one really wanted to talk to me because my stories were so interesting: "Yeah, Johnny got knifed, I saw two guys in the yard get punched, and the food still stinks. Oh, and there's a wedding coming up."

  So I said, "Guess what? I got my own cell!"

  She goes, "What?"

  "Got my own cell."

  "Oh," she said. "I'm so proud."

  Meanwhile, I realize she's thinking, "Is this a joke? Hold on. Everybody? It's Tim! Davy is in Europe, Geoff's just graduated from Michigan State, Dave's got a brand‑new job with a construction company, and my brightest son. . has just got his own cell! I'm just bursting with pride. Look, Tim: Don't call here anymore."

  - -

  Prrison food sucks. Big surprise. One reason is that they road‑test food on you. Hormel had some sort of magic meat they wanted to supply to the Army, but they wanted to let us lucky prisoners try it first. It was some soy‑based thing. I don't think the Army ever bought any, so they turned it either into cat food or a laundry product. To be honest, I liked it. Especially the heavy barbecue taste. I could have been eating erasers for all I knew.

  - -

  Lots of guys are behind bars for crimes that the government wants to do something about, but can't figure out how.

  For instance, are stiff sentences for cocaine and other drug use stemming the tide? Right. Now we have crack-as if coke wasn't bad enough. This is a menacing trend. This problem is vexing the population. What I've learned in my life is that the truism is often true: If first you don't succeed try try again. Try it from another angle. Right now, it's like we're running through the forest with our heads down and banging into a tree, and just backing up and running into the tree again life the tree's going to move. Look up, step around the tree, and continue on your way.

  Now, I'm in no way advocating drug use, just the rethinking of policies that don't seem to be working. The English plan for making opiates legal and monitoring their use is a small step. I don't think that people are saying, "Well, since the government is providing it, I might as well become a heroin addict."

  Here's my solution.

  Put cocaine in a beverage the way they did when Coca‑Cola was first invented. It's soluble in water. (What did you think Coca-Cola meant?!?) There would be very little left for street consumption, and we'd allow the farmers in Colombia to sell a product we want. We could buy Colombia's whole crop. We could control it, tax it, and-here's the elegant part-make it into an afterdinner liqueur with somewhat the same effects, but it's also extremely fattening. Very tasty but full of calories. And believe me people would not be willing to get fat over cocaine.

  You'd know the coke abusers right away.

  "Hey, Frank. Put on a little weight, there."

  "Uh. . yeah, and I didn't get much sleep, either."

  People will do anything not to get fat.

  Oh, and no Cocaine‑Lite, either.

  Behind bars, men always steal glances at other men's penises. No matter how hard they try not to. You get used to it.

  In the prison shower it was quick, but definite. You try to act as if you're looking at the drain, but everyone knows better. What you discover is that there are some men who would make women terribly happy. Also, some terribly misshapen men. I think when I say "misshapen" you know what I'm talking about.

  In camp, you don't want to stand too close to a naked man. In prison, you have to-like it or not. There are no private facilities, which bothers some guys more than others.

  In fact, in prison they like naked men so much that every time you finish a visit with anyone from the outside you have to strip down for inspection before you go back inside.

  Kinda makes you want to stay in your cell.

  - -

  Admit it, you've been waiting for this.

  One guy inside liked me a lot. He'd been convicted of killing two FBI agents. (Didn't do it, of course.) He took care of my clothes. Most of the gay men worked in the laundry. It's a job; they get to sit and gossip.

  Even guys who weren't homosexual before will, after a while, try something. Prison and Hollywood are exactly the same thing.

  One night this guy came on to me. He tried to convince me that he could satisfy me better than a woman could.

  My eyebrows went up as I recoiled.

  Then I thought, you know, he's probably got a point there. Who could satisfy a man better than another man? We know what we want. Men hugging men is great. I think we should kiss other men like the Italians. And I think the day is just around the corner when you can blow another man.

  "Tony, sorry you lost your job, sit down, let me blow you."

  "Hey, let go of my ears. Hell, I know what fm doing!"

  This is one of my favorite stories to tell onstage because you get everyone laughing and suddenly two guys who have been high‑fiving each other will stop, and their expressions will say it all: "Hey! What are we laughing at? This is off‑color."

  But I told the guy in prison "No."

  - -

  Guys end up in jail because they don't have goals. Or their goals are the wrong ones.

  If life is, in fact, a river, then you have very few options, all of them very clear. You're in a canoe. You can try to paddle upstream and live in the past, looking backward. Then you're going to hit something, and you'll keep wondering why life keeps hitting you in the back. Or you can fight the current but face forward, and not get anywhere. Or you can casually go with the flow and think about pulling over to the side now and then to explore the land. Smell the roses. And some people want to go as fast as they possibly can, straight to hell.

  I think I was backpaddling and the canoe flipped over. I had no idea about looking forward and setting a goal. Then I met a guy in prison, at one of these groups, who summed it up best. The greatest missile in the world is useless, he said, unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something.

  So it's important for kids-for everyone, even if you fail at first-to target something and head in that direction.

  With all your might.

  - -

  In a way, I was luckier than most. While awaiting sentencing I decided to give stand‑up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously. It was better than sitting around wondering why I wasn't getting any job offers. I thought that at my sentencing hearing the judge would take my efforts into consideration. He didn't. But, as you know, being funny saved my life-on the inside, in my inside, and, as I was soon to discover, on the outside.

  Plus I had a few uninterrupted years with no responsibilities, to work on my material. Nothing like a glass that's half full.

  the wonderful world of guys

  Coming from my perspective, I can now with some authority discuss the Wonderful World of Guys. Because I've been with men for a long time, I now have a clear appreciation of their strengths and their weaknesses. And their real motivations.

  1. GUYS HANGING OUT WITH OLDER GUYS

  Being with older guys is potentially hurtful because, when they get bored, you're it. They pick on the younger kids who decided to hang with them.

  On the other hand, you learn things. "So that's how you open a beer bottle with your teeth." "Wow, cigarettes really burn your hands when you do that?"

  Older guys are always a step ahead.

  They can also run fast and ditch you quickly, leaving you alone in an odd and unsavory neighborhood with no protection.

  When you're finally older, the line between you and guys still older becomes blurred. Now you can golf with your dad. Now you can both appreciate the lady bartender at the nineteenth tee. And you can also, finally, say to him: "Oh, so that's how you open a beer bottle with your teeth."

  2. GUYS HANGING OUT WITH YOUNGER GUYS

  This is when you're saying, "I don't want him with us." And "He'll eat ants if we ask him to. H
e'll just eat ants because we'll make him." You don't often want young kids around because they're stupid. Plus you gotta watch them. "Great. . Now where'd Billy go?"

  When you're a guy it's tough being the designated mom. And, of course, the suede pumps make it hard to balance.

  3. GUYS WITH GIRLS

  Gotta be careful here. When the girl is younger, you're almost thrust into a nurturing role. Nothing else goes on except deflecting the occasional crush.

  With older girls-forget about it. There's something sexy about it even when you're my age. As we well know, my first love wasn't my age. She was hanging mistletoe.

  Younger girls have to be home on time. Older girls have homes of their own. Younger girls shouldn't even be out of the house. I think my parents kept my younger sister indoors until she was eighteen-or was that the cat?

  I don't even remember the young girls out on the block, just the older girls. We'd always line up and watch them jump on the trampoline. I'm still excited by jean cutoffs. And any woman who can do a somersault.

  4. GUYS WITH OTHER GUYS' GIRLFRIENDS

  Without even trying, other guys are nicer to your girlfriend than you are. Even if they're not really after her, she'll find it easy to lean on their shoulders, ask what they're thinking and how she can get her concerns through to you.

  "Here, sit in my lap," the other guy will say. "Let's talk about it." Or "Wouldn't you be more comfortable lying down?"

  The longer the other guy's known you, the more he knows about the weaknesses in your relationship. Then he just fills in: "Oh, he doesn't ever listen to you, does he? How's your job going?"

  "He never compliments you, does he? I think you look great in that red dress."

  It's a sleazy arrangement, but they're in a very good position, especially if you and your girlfriend fight a lot. Next thing you know, he'll be saying, "Whoa, I'd never say that."

  If you think you can trust the other guy, you probably can't. If you think you can't trust him, you're probably right.

  I've been accused of this, but I swear I've never done it.

  There was a perfectly good reason why she was in her bra and me only wearing a cowboy hat. You people. Always so quick to jump!

  5. GUYS WITH OTHER GUYS' PARENTS

  Usually, every guy is a nice guy with other guys' parents. I mean you gotta know the folks pretty well before you start insulting them. It took me quite a few years, but pretty soon I was telling my friends' folks to go straight to hell.

  I remember I once went to this guy's house. They had a bar in the days when a bar was the proud focal point of any home. This kid wore lime‑green pants with little duck patterns. In other words, he was a bad caricature of his dad. He'd stand at the bar just like his dad-and say, "Grab your weapons, pick your poison."

  This is one thing you've got to be careful of. Hang out with other guys' parents long enough and you turn into them. Look for the signs. It happens to their children. It can happen to you.

  Lots of times we never saw other guys' dads. They came in late; they didn't speak. We knew something was going on, but we didn't know what.

  There were also the other guys' parents that your parents didn't like because you went away with them and their kids on weekends and your parents knew they were giving you liquor. These parents were a little too friendly with the kids. They'd take you up to the cabin. They didn't expect thank‑you notes, and it never seemed like you were imposing. They didn't play parent with you. So you ended up liking them. Another example is the guy whose dad had the kickass stereo or cool car collection. Everybody liked him. It really screwed up your contempt for adults when you found that some other guy's father was actually a great guy.

  Of course, this made your parents pale by comparison.

  "Wow. Joey's house is so cool. He has a color TV. His mom lets us eat on TV trays."

  That was a big deal in our house, to be able to eat on TV trays. However, there were six of us, and my parents correctly feared that we'd make a mess. A big mess.

  6. GUYS AT WORK

  Because we live in the modern age, women now have choices that are just killing them.

  They can have a job, not have a job. They can be married or unmarried, married with children, unmarried with children, married with children and a job, unmarried with children and a job, unmarried with children no job, unmarried with children who themselves have jobs, have a job and an au pair who has children, marry the au pair, have the au pair have their children, etc.

  Men, unfortunately, have the same choice we've always had: we can work or we can go to jail.

  7. GUYS WITH THEIR IN‑LAWS

  In‑laws are fake parents. The hardest thing is getting used to calling some strange woman and man Mom and Dad. You pretend to be comfortable with it, but you never are. They know it, but they pretend they don't.

  So many games.

  Okay, I do it, but in a faux way. I know they don't take it as seriously as when my wife goes, "Mom! Dad!" In fact, since they're my in‑laws, I don't even have to talk with them. This is a parent to whom I can actually say, "No!" without getting grounded. As in:

  "You put mint jelly on what? No way."

  "Nope. Don't really like opera."

  I've never stopped to wonder what it would have been like if my in‑laws had been my real parents. They only had girls, and that just wouldn't do. Every once in a while I kid them about needing a boy around. They're so anti burping and farting and hawking. When my wife and I spend the night at their home, the same thing always happens. I get up in the morning and clear my throat, and heads pop out of doorways along the entire hall, as if I'd just strangled their dog. The last time I saw the dog it was fine. Matter of fact, it was morning and it had just popped its head out of the doorway and was staring at me as if I had just strangled the family.

  8. GUYS AT PARTIES

  This is where you see the little boy come out.

  Guys can be uncomfortable around guys they don't know, and parties bring out this troublesome quality most. This is why men are more likely to get liquored‑up in strange social situations. At every party you'll see a disheveled group, with crooked ties, swilling brown liquor in a corner, talking sports, bonding.

  If you're a guy alone at a party, just wandering around can be dangerous. It's no problem for a woman to accidentally brush a guy's hand-or any woman's-but let a guy touch another guy by mistake and there needs to be an awful lot of explaining before anybody believes it's the truth. You're embarrassed for a day and a half. Better to just ignore it, go join the guys in the corner, and get liquored up. A guy touched me once at a party and ended up apologizing three or four times.

  "I didn't mean to do that, you know."

  "I didn't think so."

  "I mean I really didn't. If I'd known your hand was there I wouldn't have put it there."

  "I know."

  "I mean I didn't mean to touch your hand."

  Unfortunately, there's too much pushing and shoving, especially at the good parties, to avoid the occasional questionable contact.

  So if you're working your way through a crowded party and you feel a hand on your ass, you'd better hope it's a woman.

  9. GUYS WITH THEIR BEST FRIENDS

  This is a truly remarkable thing about men. If a guy is your best friend, in a way he's exactly what you're looking for in a wife. He'd be the ideal woman.

  Now don't get me wrong.

  The desirable qualities are loyalty and longevity. My best friends, most of whom I've known since grade school, have elected to stick with me through successes and failures. It's the history that makes our relationships exciting. It's the same thing when you've been with a woman for a long time.

  Best friendship can also be a confusing issue, because it complicates introductions.

  "This is my best friend, John. ." and then you say to yourself, "Well, not my best friend. Actually, that's Pete. But I haven't seen Pete. ."

  The best friend is the coolest guy you're with at that moment, okay
? Your best friends are the guys who give you respect-which is what all men want.

  But none of them can do what my wife does to me in the bath tub.

  THINGS MEN NEVER WANT TO HEAR

  No!

  I'm afraid it's not the starter.

  Is it in?

  Gee, I've never seen one quite that misshapen.

  Tim, the school called.

  What's this letter from the IRS?

  Another guy saying, "Where is this relationship going?"

  I thought you had money.

  I thought you were going to pay.

  From your doctor: That had to hurt.

  From the masseuse: Whoops! How long has that been there.

  I meant really sleep together.

  women are people, too

  What do women want?

  A good question when Sigmund Freud first posed it, a good question now, and probably a good question a thousand years from now when aliens have overrun the earth and they're trying to figure out the answer.

  To discover what women want, we first need to thoroughly understand them. Comprehending women's habits, needs, desires, and the difference between a dress and a skirt is really the key to a man's peace of mind and better relations for all. Easy, right?

  Here's what I know for sure: Women are not the opposite sex, they're a whole other species. And that's it. Short chapter. Goodnight, folks. Try the veal. I'm here all week.

  Okay, let's not give up so easily.

  Unfortunately, as you know from reading this far, women are pretty much a mystery to me, which at least makes my obsession with them completely justifiable. Just the sight of a pretty woman makes me want to make dinner reservations. I may be a guy's guy, but I can't take a man on a date and get away with it. But because I often talk about women as if I know what I'm talking about, I'm occasionally asked by complete strangers what a man should look for in a gal.

  The answer is easy: breath.

  She should be alive. Right away you'll be ahead of the game, and once you've established the presence of her vital signs, you can take your time looking deeper into the abyss.