Hula Done It?

by Maddy Hunter

  “How should I know? Her major was archaeology. I don’t keep up with all the disciplines. But I suppose —” She expelled a long puff of air and pinched her eyes shut. “I think I read something about a private firm holding interviews on campus to recruit seniors for a major dig someplace in Africa. Maybe that’s what set her off. But this is so deranged! The World Navigators and the Sandwich Islanders hated Professor Smoker. They’re the ones who threatened his life. They’re the ones he was supposed to be worrying about. Not Jennifer French.”

  Sandwich Islanders. Damn. “Um…speaking of Sandwich Islanders, you’re probably not in the mood for any more bad news, but I saw Professor Smoker’s name scribbled on the back of one of their business cards today.”

  “Why is that bad news?”

  “Because the scribbling appeared to be a hit list, and Professor Smoker’s name was at the top.”

  “Hit list? Are you serious?” She pressed her fingertips to her mouth. “You see? I told you they hated him. I told you —”

  “The really bad news is, your name was next.”

  “My —?” Panic starred her eyes like Independence Day sparklers. She clutched my arm. “Where’s the card? Let me see it. If the police need evidence, this’ll —”

  I groaned. “I don’t have the card.”

  “Who does?”

  “No one does. It’s sitting in a backpack at the bottom of the Wailua River.” I tapped the lump above my eye. “The boating accident I mentioned? I got wounded. The backpack drowned.”

  “So…so what am I supposed to do?” She slapped her hands on the table and tapped her fingers in agitation. “I’m on the Islanders’ hit list. Jennifer hates me. Everyone knows I witnessed Professor Smoker’s murder. And the Navigators are threatening to file suit against the cruise line if I don’t take over the lectures for all the Cook excursions. They really want me off on my own, and one can only ask why. So tell me: how am I supposed to fend off all my detractors until we reach Maui?”

  I wondered if that was a rhetorical question, or if she really wanted an answer.

  “Well?” she prodded.

  Okay. She really wanted an answer. “This probably isn’t the answer you want to hear, but I think your only option is to stay in your cabin and order room service.”

  “I can’t stay in that cabin another day!” she wailed. “I’ll lose my mind. There’s only one movie channel and it keeps replaying Weekend at Bernie’s — a film about a man who spends a normal weekend partying and water-skiing. The only thing is, HE’S DEAD! How can you water-ski if you’re dead? The worst movie in the history of filmmaking…and they keep torturing me with it!”

  “Have you checked the listings for tomorrow?” I hedged.

  “No. Why?”

  “There’s a sequel.”

  She slumped forward onto the table and crossed her arms over her head. Poor thing. Weekend at Bernie’s II did seem like cruel and unusual punishment. “If you want to escape from your cabin tomorrow, you could come on the helicopter tour with me.”

  She uncrossed her arms and lifted her head. “Are you crazy? Helicopters are death traps. They crash all the time over here. No way are you going to get me into one. You have any other suggestions?”

  I shrugged. “You could sign up for the Wailua River Kayak Adventure. My group of Iowans are planning to do that tomorrow. You’ve already met my grandmother and Tilly, and there’s nine more that’ll be going. You’d be pretty safe if you stick with the group.”

  “Kayaking sounds a lot more inviting than another day climbing my cabin walls.” She bobbed her head back and forth with indecision. “Okay, I’ll do it. But will you come with me while I buy my ticket?” She darted a look around the room. “I’d feel better if I wasn’t alone.”

  After accompanying Bailey to Guest Relations and escorting her back to her room, I headed for the General Store on deck five to check out rental costumes for the big Halloween party.

  Racks of costumes filled half the store’s floor space, satisfying every fantasy imaginable. Southern belles. Belly dancers. Pirates. Clowns. Cowboys. Vampires. Gladiators. Mother Goose characters. Knights. Ladies-in-waiting. Marvel Comic characters. Disney characters. Looney Tune characters. Civil War generals. Roaring Twenties flappers. Hollywood movie stars. And a healthy assortment of fruits and vegetables. There were shelves of wigs, theatrical makeup, beards, mustaches, full-face masks, half masks, and a wall of accessories that included medieval and modern weaponry, gaudy jewelry, eyewear, fake teeth, and enough feather boas to start an aviary. I made a quick choice, grabbed it off the rack, charged it to my room, then made my way through a series of adjoining rooms until I arrived at the room I was looking for.

  The Picture Gallery was a maze of glass display cases showcasing all the photos our eager photographer had snapped so far. I heard oohs, aahs, and peals of laughter as passengers milled in front of the cases, poking fingers at faces they recognized. I was hoping that if some individual photos of the group turned out well, I could use them in my proposed newsletter.

  I circled the perimeter, reading signs labeled DAY ONE — AT SEA and DAY TWO — WELCOME TO KAUAI. Squeezing between two groups of onlookers, I worked my way to the front of the DAY ONE case and began skimming pictures.

  I found a rather striking photo of Nils, Ansgar, and Gjurd as they boarded the ship — boy, Ansgar’s hair was really photogenic — and a typical one of the two Dicks as they made horns of their fingers behind their wives’ heads. I cringed at the photo of myself in my big orange life vest during the lifeboat drill. Why did I always have to have my mouth open and my eyes closed? Though I supposed some people might accuse me of going through life that way.

  I scanned random shots of guests gambling in the casino, one of Bernice scowling into the camera as she explored the spa, one of Margi opening a moist towelette packet with her teeth, and several photos of Professor Dorian Smoker as he delivered the last lecture he would ever give on Captain James Cook.

  I studied the man in the navy cardigan and baggy Dockers, wondering what mysteries he’d taken to the grave with him. He’d seen his killer’s face. If only he’d left some kind of clue behind that would help us identify who it was. Were we overlooking something?

  I scrutinized the half dozen other lecture room photos, spying Nana and Tilly, but discovering that yours truly was completely hidden behind a man whose head was even larger than Dick Teig’s, if that was possible. I picked out Nils near the front, bookended by Ansgar and Gjurd, and nodded with satisfaction when I located Percy and Basil in seats near the back. So they had attended the lecture. Why wasn’t I surprised?

  There were scads of people I didn’t recognize at all, and a few who looked vaguely familiar. Was that the muscle shirt guy sitting beside Gjurd? Sure looked like his stomach. And there was Bailey in the front row, looking studious and intelligent as she hung on Dorian Smoker’s every word, her head angled so that her hair looked like an explosion in progress. I focused more intently on the photo, trying to identify the man sitting directly behind her. The hair and glasses made me think it could be Jonathan, but it was hard to ID someone with only half a head. I noticed a blurry image of Jennifer French standing near the back wall, but couldn’t find Shelly anywhere. Of course, the photographer’s lens hadn’t captured everyone who’d been in the room. Me, for example.

  I returned back to the boarding photos, and after poring over what seemed like a couple million, I found a terrific picture of Osmond and Alice and a really cute shot of —

  I did a quick double take, arrested by the image of a man whose shoulders filled the entire photo and whose eyes looked hot enough to singe glass. Wow, Duncan really dressed up the ole Aloha Princess backdrop. I wondered how his excursion had —

  Duncan? Oh, my God! I checked my watch. I was supposed to meet him in ten minutes!

  I charged into the Anchor Bar a few minutes later and paused at the entrance, allowing my eyes to adjust to the room’s lack of light. I squinted at the petit
e sofas and pedestal tables that crowded the floor and whistled at the focal point of the room — a circular acrylic bar that was illuminated with the blues and aquamarines of a tropical sea. As I stepped into the room, I could make out a handful of couples occupying couches at opposite ends of the room, but nowhere within the intimate confines of the Anchor Bar could I see Duncan’s mane of blond hair, which could only mean one thing.

  I was early.

  Struggling to catch my breath, I sat down on one of the sofas and smiled at a miniskirted barmaid as she headed in my direction.

  “Are you Emily?”

  I guess I’d been foolish to think she might actually ask me what I wanted to drink. “I’m Emily, but I’m a little afraid to ask why you’re asking.”

  She handed me an envelope. “A really good-looking guy stopped in a while ago and said to give this to a brunette named Emily who’d be coming in around ten. Guess that would be you. Can I get you a drink? Mr. Universe already paid for it.”

  I stared at the envelope, feeling a little unsettled. “I’ll let you know after I get through reading.” As she headed back toward the bar, I ripped open the envelope and began reading Duncan’s handwritten note.

  I apologize for standing you up, Em, but as they say, the best laid plans of mice and men…Two of my people tracked me down with a security issue. They don’t trust their room safe to hold some valuables they have, so as you read this, I’ll probably be wrangling with the ship’s staff about placing whatever it is that Percy and Basil have in the ship’s vault. Please don’t wait for me; this could take forever. Documents to sign, etc. But do you suppose you and I could try this again tomorrow night? Same time? Same place? Unless you’d rather have me meet you in your new cabin. I hear the view is pretty spectacular from the balcony on deck ten.

  Duncan

  I read the note a second time, riveted by the part about Percy and Basil. Had they actually discovered something out by the Secret Falls besides Bud Lite cans? Nuts! Why hadn’t I paid closer attention? But if the two Englishmen had found Griffin Ring’s treasure, what had the Vikings found? And who was in possession of the original map? The Vikings, the Brits, or the cheerleaders?

  I sagged against the sofa back, reading the note again and again. By the time I finished reading it a fifth time, I realized something else.

  If Duncan knew I’d changed cabins, did that also mean he was responsible for the upgrade? But Duncan didn’t have that kind of money, did he? Uff da. Was it possible that Duncan, not Etienne, was my benefactor?

  I blinked stupidly.

  Damn. I’d never even thought of that.

  Chapter 9

  “So what’s the good news?” a man in khaki shorts and an expensive Tommy Bahama flowered shirt asked as he stepped off the scales.

  “Three hundred sixteen pounds,” a female assistant behind the counter announced. “Honey, we’re going to have to send you up in a bird all by yourself.”

  He laughed good-naturedly. “I ate a big breakfast. I’m usually a svelte hundred and seventy.”

  That morbidly obese passengers qualified to fly in their own private helicopter was a real shocker. But what shocked me even more was that Tommy Bahama actually made shirts in super-plus jumbo triple X sizes.

  I was seated in the waiting area of the Kauai Helicopter Tours office, a vintage World - War - II - style building at the Lihue Airport, watching people weigh in for our flight. I’d never given it much thought before, but apparently one of the secrets of helicopter safety is the even distribution of weight in the passenger cabin. Hence, the scales and the weighing-in routine. I regarded the guy in the Tommy Bahama shirt as he lowered all five foot three inches of himself into the chair beside me and cringed when I felt the floor deflect beneath us. Creeeeeak. Urrrrr. Sssssssss. Creeeeeak. Oh, God. Was that the floor or his chair?

  “This your first time up?” the guy asked me, as another vanload of people arrived.

  I nodded. “You, too?”

  “Yeah. They tell me these things have a lousy safety record, but I’m a real risk taker, so I figured, what the hell. I have no fear. No phobias, no nothing. In my book, fear is a complete waste of time. I can do it all. Needles. Snakes. The dentist. I mean, look at me. My doctor tells me I’m a walking time bomb, but he’s not scaring me, either. Not one bit.”

  I watched a crowd of newcomers file through the door and sat up a little straighter when I saw a face I recognized.

  “When your time’s up, it’s up,” the guy droned on. “We’re not gonna live forever. You can try all that health food crap, but it’s not gonna prolong your life by one minute, so you might as well throw your money at a helicopter ride instead.” He gave my bare knee a friendly pat with his huge, sweaty palm. “So, are you married? Good-looking girl like you, I’m thinking we might have a future together.”

  “Would you excuse me a moment? I’m meeting someone.” I plucked his hand off my knee and scooted across the floor, sidling up to Shelly Valentine as if she were a long-lost friend. “I need you to save me,” I said in a desperate whisper. “Will you pretend we’re together so Jabba the Hutt will hit on someone else?” I bobbed my head in his direction.

  Shelly looked beyond me, shivered a little, then gave me a huge hug. “I’m so happy to see you!” she said in a loud voice, then in an undertone close to my ear, “I’m glad to help. I figure I owe you one after the way Jen treated you yesterday.”

  We moved forward in the line, heading toward the scales.

  “She’s not with you today?”

  “She decided to stay on the ship for an all-day spa treatment. Maybe they’ll be able to extract cellulite, toxins, and that big mean streak of hers. Frankly, I don’t see how Dori put up with her. She’s so moody. Just because you’re in pain doesn’t mean you have to be one. No wonder she doesn’t have any friends.”

  “I thought you were her friend.”

  “Me? Hah! Not in this lifetime.”

  “Then what were you doing on the kayak adventure together yesterday?”

  She tossed her long, glossy dark hair behind her shoulder. “I didn’t have anything better to do. She wanted help excavating something that was supposed to be buried near that waterfall, so I agreed. Jen and I are both archaeology majors; we’ve both had the same methods courses. Since I have another year of school to go, I figured I could use the practice.”

  “Isn’t this a strange time of year to be on a cruise if you’re in school?”

  “I took the semester off. The course work got so intense, I needed to take a breather.”

  If she thought college was bad, wait until she hit real life.

  “Step onto the scales there, honey,” the woman behind the counter instructed Shelly. After we weighed in and filled out the necessary paperwork, we wandered into an adjoining room and sat down to await further instructions.

  “Remember when you asked Jen and me yesterday where we got our map?” Shelly asked. “I don’t know why Jen was being so secretive, but she wouldn’t tell me where she got it, either. Isn’t that weird? I don’t know what the big deal was. It looked to me as if everyone had one.”

  I couldn’t help entertaining a suspicion that unlike everyone else, Jennifer may have acquired her map from Dorian Smoker himself — right before she pushed him overboard. “You mind if I ask where you and Jennifer went after you left Professor Smoker’s lecture?”

  Shelly’s mouth angled in disgust. “I don’t know where Jen went, but I went back to my cabin and had a good cry. I thought I was going to have Dori all to myself for ten days. I share him enough throughout the year. Then bam! Jennifer shows up. I was so disappointed.”

  She heaved a pathetic sigh. “I know women of my generation are supposed to be too liberated to get jealous, but…I guess I’m guilty of being way too sensitive. Don’t tell Jen that I cried about it, okay? She’d only make some snide comment and laugh at me. I hate to admit it, but she’s a lot more socially evolved than I am. She didn’t even fall apart after she flunke
d that ethnographic methods course last semester, but she was really steamed. I mean, she had a job lined up and everything.”

  She had a job lined up? YES! I knew it! “So what kind of jobs are archaeology majors applying for these days?”

  “The L. S. B. Leakey Foundation? Olduvai Gorge in Tanzania? They’re beginning excavation on a new site on Bed One. That’s the level where the strata dates back over a million years. She was supposed to be in charge of cataloging all the Pleistocene artifacts, but since she didn’t graduate, they gave the position to someone else. She really blew that one.”

  A man’s voice blared out over a loudspeaker, causing us both to jump. “When I call your name, please proceed across the street to the gate I assign you.” He read off a litany of names, eventually announcing, “Emily Andrew, Shelly Valentine, and Carl Leather-man, gate nine.”

  We joined the exodus out the door and straggled across the street in uneven groupings, hiking toward our gates in the ankle-high grass that flanked a tall chain-link fence. Inside the barrier, a fleet of helicopters sat like chess pieces on slabs of pavement with yellow markings, the entire compound ringed by a field of scrubby bushes that swept toward a range of dark volcanic mountains. Shelly and I passed through the fence at gate nine and walked to the edge of the tarmac, eyeing the craft that was to be our home for the next hour. “Isn’t it supposed to be…bigger?” she asked, aping the subject line of the SPAM that flooded my in-box these days.

  I gave it a once over. “Without the tail and rotor blades, it’s about the size of my VW bug, so it can probably hold at least fifteen college students. Six if they all want seats.”

  “When your time’s up, it’s up, right?” insisted a male voice behind us. “I heard these things have lousy safety records, but I don’t care. I’m not afraid of anything. Walking under ladders. Confined spaces. Lightning. I can do it all.”

  I shot a horrified look at Shelly. She shot one back. I looked over my shoulder, my stomach sinking to my ankles at the sight of the guy in the Tommy Bahama shirt. NOOO! This was beyond cruel! This was criminal! Unconscionable. Unbelievable! Un…unconstional!