by Sarah Morgan
She loved him.
Oh, dear God, she loved him. Despite all her efforts and her promises to herself that she was never going to let it happen, she was crazily in love with Finn, and probably always had been.
He was right. He’d been right all along.
Panic shot through her.
‘Jules?’ He studied her face for a moment and then turned to look at the view. ‘I never thought I’d be pleased that I’d fallen down a crevasse.’
She struggled to find her voice, still in shock. ‘You’re pleased?’
‘Oh, yes, I’m pleased. Because I finally know what I’m dealing with.’ He turned back to face her, his voice suddenly soft. ‘You love me, Jules.’
She froze. ‘Well, I don’t— I mean, I haven’t exactly— You can’t possibly…’ Her voice tailed off, her heart pounding hard against her chest. Suddenly the air seemed thinner than usual, making breathing even more difficult.
Her thoughts were confused and tangled.
She didn’t want to love him.
She didn’t want to love anyone.
Finn watched her for a long moment and then glanced down the slope and raised his hand to Billy, indicating they were on their way. ‘You love me, Jules. And before this trip is up, you’re going to admit it.’
CHAPTER NINE
JULIET lay in her tent, drained and exhausted by the events of the past few days and all the emotions she’d experienced in the space of a few hours.
She’d watched Finn die in front of her, or so she’d thought, and for a brief, terrible moment she’d felt as though part of her had died with him.
The knowledge that she loved him so deeply terrified her.
She’d spent her life avoiding this situation.
She’d dated men, of course she had, but she’d never felt anything deeper than friendship for any of them. She’d made sure of it.
But now there was no avoiding her feelings. It had happened. And she had to decide what to do.
With a soft moan of frustration and confusion she sat up and raked her fingers through her tangled blonde hair.
A few hours earlier she’d managed to take a ‘shower’, thanks to some willing Sherpas and two buckets of water.
Base Camp was experiencing a brief warm spell and Juliet had risked stripping down to nothing behind a piece of plastic sheeting and covering herself in soap and shampoo. It had felt fantastic to scrub away the grime and dirt of the mountains.
She chewed her lip and reached for her portable stereo, trying to calm her tangled thoughts by listening to Mozart. It didn’t work so she switched the CD player to heavy rock music. That didn’t work either so she switched it off altogether and lay there, trying to make sense of her thoughts.
She didn’t want to be in love with Finn.
Her gut clenched at the thought of what that could mean. He was a climber.
A climber, like her father and brother.
And that meant risk.
She needed time to think.
She needed to decide what she was going to do.
Neil was improving steadily but Finn had decided that it would be best for him to descend still further, to be on the safe side, and Juliet was to escort him down.
It meant spending a few days at lower altitude in the Sherpa villages before coming back up to Base Camp for the final climb through all four camps to the summit.
Finn shifted his pack onto his back and walked steadily through the tented village that was Base Camp before joining Neil and Juliet who were preparing to descend into the valley.
Juliet stared at him and he had the satisfaction of seeing her colour rise. ‘What are you doing here?’
The day before, when they’d finally staggered into Base Camp, he’d left her on her own in her tent to sleep and recover, sensing that it would be a bad time to push her.
He was willing to give her space.
But not too much space.
With a wry smile he acknowledged to himself that dealing with Juliet was not unlike tackling Everest. You had to proceed with caution, watch for signs and be careful on the ice. And with Juliet he was very definitely walking on ice.
‘I’m coming with you,’ he said calmly, giving Neil a friendly nod and noting that the other man was looking a great deal better after his close call.
Her eyes widened. ‘Why are you coming with us?’
Because you’re in love with me and this time I’m not letting you escape, he thought. ‘Because it’s the best way of gathering your strength for the summit push,’ he said casually. ‘The forecast is looking good for the end of the week. All being well, our team will be up at Camp IV by Friday. Then we’ll sit it out until we have a break in the weather.’
Neil gave a grunt. ‘I can’t say I envy you,’ he said quietly. ‘Frankly, all I want now is to go home.’ He’d lost his energy and his spirit during his ordeal, but Finn had known that would return. ‘Do you think I’ll be able to give it a go another year, or will the same thing happen?’
Finn pulled a face. ‘Hard to say. It’s true that if you’ve suffered HACE once, it’s more likely to happen again,’ he said honestly, ‘but people have gone on to summit so it’s certainly possible. You just have to be aware that the risk is always there.’
The risk was there for all of them.
And Finn was more and more determined that Juliet wasn’t going to make that final climb. He knew that she didn’t have the physical strength that she’d need to keep her going to the top.
And he didn’t intend to lose her.
They put Neil on a helicopter that would take him back to Kathmandu and then Finn took her to a little teahouse perched on the green slopes.
After weeks of staring at snow, ice and the stark, stony moraine of Base Camp, it was wonderful to see vegetation. It felt like being in another world.
They were given a room with two bunks and a fire that burned erratically in the corner.
Juliet dropped her pack in the middle of the room, sank onto the bunk and stared into the fire, her heart thumping madly in her chest.
For the first time since they’d set out on this expedition they were alone together. Truly alone. The knowledge sent shivers of wicked excitement through her body.
She didn’t dare look at Finn but she was aware of his every movement—the flex of his shoulders as he removed his own pack, the intensity of his gaze as he studied her in silence. And she knew he was looking at her because she could feel it.
‘Jules.’ Finn was the one to break the throbbing silence. ‘Are you going to look at me?’
She turned her head and looked.
The tension in the room snapped tight and she was relieved that she was sitting down because she suddenly felt her knees weaken and her legs shake.
‘Finn…’ His name was a whisper on her lips and then he crossed the room in two strides and hauled her roughly to her feet, before taking her face in his hands and lowering his mouth to hers.
His kiss was hot and hard and she gave a moan of relief. This was what she needed. What she’d dreamed of. Since that one kiss in the tent, she’d spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about kissing Finn.
When she hadn’t been concentrating on where to place her feet on a treacherous slope or examining a patient for signs of altitude sickness, she’d often found herself thinking of kissing Finn.
No man kissed like Finn.
It was a relentless seduction, a steady slide into the mindless oblivion of sexual excitement. An outlet for all the tension and pressure of the past few weeks. And, just like climbing, for this brief moment in time life was reduced to the physical.
They kissed as though it might be the last time they touched, with a passion that bordered on the desperate.
She felt the hardness of his body against hers, the rough scrape of his stubble against her skin.
And then a clear vision of Everest came into her head and she remembered that in the next few days this man would be aiming for the summit.
And if he made it this time, what about the next time? The next mountain…
She gave a gasp and dragged her mouth away from his. ‘This is a mistake.’
‘The mistake was letting you run.’ He buried his face in her neck. ‘And not dragging you back where you belong. With me. You’re never running again, Jules.’
She felt the warm slide of his hands under her shirt and felt the images in her brain fade. Suddenly she found she couldn’t hold on to a single coherent thought. Her head was spinning and for once it had nothing to do with altitude. She could no longer remember why this wasn’t a good idea because suddenly it seemed like the best idea in the world. The only thing she wanted. ‘Finn…’
‘I need you naked. Now.’ His hands strong and urgent, he stripped her clothes off and then ran a hand slowly over the curve of her hip with undisguised masculine appreciation. ‘You’re stunning.’
‘I’m thin.’
‘Beautiful.’ He bent his head and kissed her again and flames of passion licked through her veins and set her body on fire.
Her hands tugged at the front of his shirt and she fumbled with the buttons, almost sobbing with relief when he lifted his hands to help her, his mouth still on hers.
When they were both naked, he lifted her and laid her in front of the fire, slowly combing his fingers through her hair as he studied her face.
It had been so long.
Too long.
‘Touch me.’ She was desperate now, her body writhing beneath the hard, male pressure of his. She ran her hands over his back, over smooth, hard muscle and sleek, heated skin and then gave a soft gasp as he slid his tongue over her breast to her nipple and sucked her into the warmth of his mouth.
Excitement exploded inside her, driving her skyward.
She made a last, frantic attempt to remember the reasons why she shouldn’t be doing this but they slipped from her grasp and she arched her back and slid a thigh over his in blatant invitation.
She didn’t care about yesterday or tomorrow.
She only cared about now.
Her senses were throbbing and tangled, her body screaming for satisfaction. She ached for him in every possible way. It was as if her very existence suddenly depended on this man.
And perhaps he understood the depth of her need or maybe he felt the same way because he covered her with his powerful body and thrust deep. She arched and cried out at the sheer perfection of it.
‘Jules.’ His voice was hoarse. ‘Open your eyes.’
Had she closed them?
With a supreme effort she opened them and fell into the burning heat of his gaze. She wanted to look away but she couldn’t. He held her trapped, his eyes locked with hers, his body deep in hers.
Possession.
It was the only word she could hold in her brain. She was his and he was hers.
‘I love you.’ He lowered his head and took her mouth but still his eyes held hers—watching, assessing. ‘I love you.’
Nothing else existed.
Only this moment and this man.
She stared into his eyes, felt him deep inside her and the responding throb of her own body.
‘And you love me, too.’ His mouth brushed hers again, his tongue teasing and seductive. ‘You know you do. Say it, Jules. Say it.’
‘I love you.’ The words that had been trapped inside her for so long spilled out and she breathed the words against his seeking mouth, ‘I love you, Finn, I love you, I love you.’
She couldn’t stop saying it, as if she were afraid she might never get the chance again. The words terrified her and she clung to him, as if holding him tight might keep him from harm.
He slid a hand under her hips and lifted her, moving deeper still so that personal boundaries no longer existed. They were one.
And all control snapped.
He took her and it felt good, so perfect and powerful that she gripped him tightly and urged him on, needing more, needing it all.
And when the explosion ripped through them both they clung together and let it take them over the edge, falling, tumbling, spinning into a place far beyond thought and reason.
They lay together, breathless, exhausted and shaken.
Finally Finn drew breath. ‘So…’ His male drawl held a hint of self-mockery. ‘If I said that I’d missed you, would you believe me?’
Snuggled against him with her eyes closed, she smiled. ‘Maybe.’
It was the gentle teasing of lovers. The sleepy exchange of words that followed intense physical release.
‘I love you, Jules.’
The mood changed in an instant and she tensed in his arms. ‘Finn—’
‘Are you going to deny that you love me, too?’ He rolled her under him, his weight pressing her into the mattress. ‘Are you going to pretend that you said those words in the heat of passion?’
‘No.’ She shook her head, her heart thumping against her chest. ‘I’m not going to deny it. It’s true. I do love you.’ She broke off, almost blind with terror at the depth of her feeling for him. ‘But it isn’t going to change anything. I can’t help the fact that I love you, but I can control what I do about it.’
She knew that now.
It was the only way she could keep herself safe.
He inhaled sharply and she felt him tense. ‘What do you mean by that?’
‘I can’t let you into my life, Finn,’ she said hoarsely, ‘no matter how much I love you. I just can’t do it.’
‘I’m already in your life.’
‘That’s true up to a point. But when we leave here we go our separate ways. I’m not having you in my life, Finn. I can’t.’
He was silent for a long moment and when he finally spoke his voice was husky. ‘Do you really think I’m willing to let you walk away from what we share a second time? I let you do it once before, Jules. I’ve regretted it ever since. I won’t let you do it again.’
In the corner of the room the fire glowed, casting an eerie red light over the room.
She gazed up at him, saw the hard determination glinting in his dark eyes, and reached out a hand to touch his face.
‘You have to let me go, Finn.’ Tears clogged her throat. ‘I’m begging you to let me go.’
‘I can’t do that.’ He turned his head and kissed the palm of her hand. ‘I’m not going to let you do this to us, Jules. Not again. Not this time. We’re perfect together. And you know it.’
She did know it.
And that was why she couldn’t share her life with him. The risks were too great.
She started to cry softly, the tears sliding down her cheeks. ‘Don’t ask me to do this, Finn, you can’t ask me to do this.’ The tears fell more swiftly and suddenly she was sobbing helplessly. ‘Don’t ask this of me. I can’t lose another man I love to these mountains. I can’t do it. My father died, my brother died. I can’t do it again. Don’t make me do it again.’
‘I’m careful, sweetheart, I’m not going to die.’
‘You can’t say that! You don’t know that!’
‘I know that the only thing that ever really matters to me when I go up there is coming back,’ he said quietly.
She’d heard him say that to other climbers, climbers so fired up by determination to reach the summit that they didn’t think about the return journey until it was too late. There would be other years. The mountain wasn’t going anywhere.
But then she thought of the crevasse…
‘It doesn’t matter how careful you are.’ Her vision was blurred with tears. ‘If you’re up there then you’re in danger.’
‘There’s danger everywhere, Jules,’ he said quietly, ‘only most of us live our lives pretending it isn’t out there. We delude ourselves that we’re in control but we’ve both seen enough in our medical careers to know that life is a lottery. At least when I’m climbing mountains I’m focused on the danger. And the most important thing is that I’m doin
g something I love. I don’t want to spend my life trapped in a hospital working fourteen-hour days until I retire, and then find that life has passed me by. I want to live it now, my way, just as you do.’
It was all true, but she’d had a split second glimpse of her life without him when he’d dropped into the crevasse and the image had left her paralysed with fear. The same overwhelming fear she’d felt when she’d lost her father and then her brother.
Juliet thumped him with her fists, too exhausted to do any real damage. ‘I hate you, actually,’ she sobbed. ‘I hate you, Finn, for making me feel this way, for making me vulnerable when I’ve spent my whole life avoiding this situation. I was OK until we came here. I was doing OK.’
‘You were only half-alive,’ Finn said softly, gripping her wrists and lifting her arms above her head. ‘And that isn’t the way for either you or I to live. Life doesn’t come with guarantees, Jules, but when you have the chance of happiness you have to grab it with both hands.’
She couldn’t stop crying and he gave a low curse.
‘Don’t cry.’ Finn brushed away her tears with the pad of his thumb. ‘Please don’t cry. You have to stop now. I can’t see you like this. Oh, hell, Jules, stop it.’ He rolled onto his back and gathered her against him, holding her tight and safe until eventually she had no tears left and she lay limply against him. Then he stroked her damp hair away from her face with a gentle hand and kissed her softly, a wry smile on his handsome face. ‘I’ve never had a woman howl in my bed before. Clearly my technique needs work.’
His attempt at humour finally helped her find the control she needed and she gave a sniff and scrubbed at her face with the back of her hand, embarrassed and exhausted by her outburst of emotion. ‘I do hate you,’ she murmured in sorrowful tones. ‘I hate you for making me feel this way.’
‘You don’t hate me.’ He kissed her gently and she shook her head.
‘Part of me does.’
He was silent for a long moment. ‘Do you want me to give up climbing?’
She sighed. ‘You couldn’t. Any more than I could. It’s part of who you are and why I love you. I wouldn’t ask you to do it.’
