The Gaslight Journal

by Carla René

  Yet all of the reassurance she could muster at this moment in time did nothing to stop her feet from picking up the pace a bit. Nor did it do anything to alleviate that ever growing lump of coal in the pit of her stomach.

  She recognized her street, and realized she was just one block away, so she quickened her pace. Finally, she rounded the last corner and could not have been happier as her cherished childhood home came into view. She felt her heart leap at its site, but quickly stopped.

  The family had always decorated Capriolé to extremes for Christmas. Mother and she made it a ritual to bathe every window of the Victorian in the flickering light of long, white tapers. But as she stood staring at the windows, they wore nothing but darkness. There was no hope of the season shining from within. There was only cold, stark nothingness that barely hinted at signs of life.

  As she commanded her feet to follow her body and move forward, the closer to the house she went, the clearer she could make out details of the porch. She remembered how it used to proudly wear the scent of greenery over every pane, every doorway and baluster of the elaborate porch that encircled the house. But tonight, that very porch also stood in blackness, lacking not only the usual small lamp to light the way, but even a single holly sprig.

  Had Mother simply decided to wait so they could decorate together, as a family should? Stepping onto the boards of the porch and taking time to briefly note their need for a fresh painting, she decided this must be the only logical explanation. Part of her wanted to believe this, yet that horrible peacock lady's face crept into her mind, and her hand shook all over again as she reached for the glass doorknob. Taking a deep breath, she resolved that no matter the situation, she would be adult and handle it in the manner in which she would have made Father proud. Pleased with her decision, she turned the knob and entered.

  Chapter 2

  And So It Begins....

  And So It Begins… .(Chapter Two)

  “Mother, I am home!”

  In spite of her anxiety, she could not contain her excitement. Without waiting for an answer, she pulled off her gloves and hat, tossed the bag with her mother’s gift and her own reticule down onto the hall tree, all while taking stock.

  “Some things never change,” she said. At that moment she noticed the silver salver and how it was suspiciously empty of cards, but chose to shrug if off. Mother must have cleared them away as Rachel would have surely called by now. She removed her scarf. Though the hallway was dim, everything was still the way it had been when she left.

  “Mother! I am home! Where are you hiding?”

  “Bella! My Bella!” came the thick Indian dialect from the dining room. “Oh, I so happy to see you.” The woman emerged with her arms outstretched, throwing them around a most surprised Isabella.

  “Sharmi! Oh, what a kind greeting. You are well, yes?”

  Sharmisthma Reddy, the Audley’s housekeeper, had been on the staff for almost twenty years, and had watched Isabella grow.

  “Yes, miss, I quite well, thank-you. ‘s so good to see you. You Mama’s been very worried.”

  “I think ‘worried’ might be a bit much,” said Lilly Audley as she approached.

  “Mother!” Izzy’s delight could not be contained as she slipped into the waiting arms of her mother. She melted into their warmth with a smile, and for a long moment, neither woman moved. Izzy listened to the soft beating of her mother’s heart, feeling very much like a child. Suddenly, all of the day’s emotional uncertainties came to the fore and she felt a tear. There, in the calm quiet of the front entry hall, Isabella and Lilly Audley, for a suspended moment in time, grieved again for John; the man they would never stop missing.

  After the flooding of tears had subsided and Lilly saw that Izzy had control of her faculties, she released the grip on her daughter, pulled back, and with her finger cupped beneath her daughter’s chin, raised her face to meet her eyes. Mrs. Reddy had stood silent during the encounter, and now her dark skin glistened under the glow of the gas lamps.

  “Here, use one of my handkerchiefs and do not think another thing about it, darling.”

  Without a word, Izzy nodded and accepted, all while wondering how her mother could have possibly known what she was thinking.

  “I am clairvoyant,” and all three women laughed through their tears.

  As they made their way to the breakfast room in the back of the house, Izzy noticed that Mrs. Reddy had lain a small meal of homemade bread, hard cheeses and sausages.

  “You must be clairvoyant if you knew that I would be late, and that I would be famished.”

  “Well, I do know that you are your father’s daughter and he could never get any place on time, and you are your mother’s daughter in that you love a good midnight snack.”

  Izzy laughed again, if only because she loved hearing the lyrical voice that she had missed so. On days that she traveled, she always thirsted for adult conversation. The lady who occupied the seat across from her on the train earlier, for lack of a less vulgar expression, was a stoic old crow, as she rambled on about her forty-five year old son who lived with her and could not find anything of substance to do but live on her twenty-thousand a year.

  “I want you to sit down and allow me to serve you. Mrs. Reddy, you may go now.”

  Sharmi nodded, and gave a slight bow before winking at Izzy. “We catch up tomorrow. G’night Mrs. Audley.”

  Izzy was overcome with much fatigue and she slid into the wooden chair. As Lilly set out a tall glass of cider, Izzy realized that perhaps she had she missed taking care of someone. She had not been a mother herself yet, but Izzy realized that perhaps mothers have this need to take care of people. While she was fiercely independent, Izzy decided that for the length of her stay, she would be more than happy to humor her mother.

  Lilly pulled up a chair adjacent to her daughter, leaned her cheek on her fist, and watched Izzy eat.

  While she had not thought of it before, it must have been at least sixteen hours since she had eaten her last meal, and with the first bite of warm bread in her mouth, her stomach began screaming for more.

  “It is so nice to have you home, muffin. No, do not say anything, you eat. We have plenty of time to talk after you have had a good night’s sleep.”

  Izzy nodded as she took a sip of the cool cider. Oh the times in life when we are allowed, nay encouraged, to simply be sweet, youthful girls again!

  It was at this instant, as if on cue, that the most horrendous ruckus was heard from a back room, slowly working its way down the hallway. For a second, Izzy thought maybe it was Elizabeth, her ladies' maid. But after much ado, there was a sliding on the wooden floors as it rounded the doorway into the breakfast room, and right onto Izzy’s waiting lap.

  “Puss! Mr. Puss! Oh my baby! Just let me look at you, sweetheart,” said Izzy cooing, petting and fawning over the black and white short-haired cat.

  He was very happy to see his mistress, and responded in kind with a purr so loud that he sounded like there were two of him. He was so overjoyed to see her, that he immediately stopped rubbing her chin with his face and walked up onto her shoulder. He perched himself at his usual lookout: the back of her neck.

  She giggled, remembering all of those sweltering summers in the garden. She would be bent over her delicate pansies and then let out a shriek as he would neatly land on her back, unannounced.

  With Puss now firmly in his place, Izzy resumed eating, as she too, was used to this routine.

  “It is just so good to see you two together again,” and Lilly.

  “I am so happy he is doing well. I wager he was wonderful company for you in this awfully large house by yourself.”

  “Please, do not use slang, but oh my, yes. He has chosen me as his official play toy, and I have chosen him as my official shadow. The maids cannot even begin to get any sweeping done as he finds the broom just uproarious,” she said as she made her way over to the cabinet, clearing some of the food.

  Isabella laughed, then took a
nother bite of sausage. “How is Marta by the way?”

  Marta was their housemaid of ten years.

  Lilly suddenly dropped a jar of eggs. Clearly, she had not been prepared to tackle this subject so soon. At best, she thought tomorrow would be the soonest she would need to answer questions from her daughter, and did not have a rehearsed answer ready. She certainly did not feel like going into the story tonight, yet her daughter was very tenacious. Lilly knew that the gates had been opened and there would be no way to close them, save that of a full, sordid explanation which she decided she was not prepared to handle tonight.

  So, drawing in a slow breath, she turned to her daughter. In a matter-of-factually manner, and with the least amount of concern, she began, “I have given her the month off to visit her family in Mexico. Her mother is not doing well and I thought it would be nice for her to see her family. In the meantime, either myself or Mrs. Reddy takes care of the housework. It is not that much, and at times, I rather enjoy it.”

  Lilly’s hand began to shake, but she hid it before Izzy had chance to notice.

  As Izzy chewed the last of her food and stood with Mr. Puss still perched warmly on her neck, she walked over to where Lilly stood with her soiled plates. She kissed her mother on the cheek, and said, “Oh Mother. What a wonderfully thoughtful thing for you to do for Marta. You must be the most principled lady I know. And, while I am here, I will help you all that I possibly can, you know that, do you not?”

  Lilly, choking back tears and trying to hide her face, now blood-red with shame, only nodded her head in silence. She made sure not to meet Izzy’s eyes, as they always had the power to find her out. And that would happen soon enough.

  John would be so ashamed of me right now, but I will deal with that tomorrow.

  Quickly pulling herself together, she said, “Miss, it is time we made way up the stairs and got you into your own, proper bed. How does that sound to you?”

  “Like heaven!” said Izzy.

  “Well then, I will help you get your things. Do you have everything?

  “Yes I do. I am ready. Are you coming?”

  “Oh yes, I am ready to go up as well. Shall we?” She was anxious to get Isabella out of the mind of suspicious and into bed for some much needed repose.

  “Did you let the scullery maids have the month off as well?”

  “Yes, I did. I could see no need for all of the help here with just myself.”

  As she followed her daughter up the two flights of stairs, each with an end of the steamer trunk in tow, Lilly Audley whispered a prayer asking God to forgive her for her impropriety. She only hoped that he would hear her, understand, and show her mercy.

  Once at the top of the second flight, they set the trunk down for later retrieval and Lilly headed left to her chamber, with Izzy going in the opposite direction to hers.

  Three years later, and Lilly had kept everything exactly as it had been left, with some signs of minor cleaning. Izzy waltzed into the room and took note that the gaslights had been lit, as well as the bed made up with the warmer inserted. Mr. Puss took his cue and jumped onto the antique quilt, sparing no time in getting himself into a comfortable position so as to begin the evening’s final bath. Izzy’s heart gladdened, as she had missed her old friend.

  “Just one more semester, sweetie,” she said while scritching his chin, “and then we will be together for good.”

  Her first impulse was to walk around the room, reacquainting herself with all of her treasures, but thought better of it and headed for the bureau to get a fresh night-gown. She changed in front of the fireplace, then headed into her own private bath to take care of her face, as well as her teeth.

  With the baking soda in her mouth, Lilly, not seeing Izzy right away, yelled into the bathroom, “Honey, do you have everything you need? I am going to retire and wanted to check.”

  “Grrrrrrrrrgwumph.”

  “Oh good, that is what I had hoped you would say. Well, good night!”

  “No mother, wait! I was spitting!”

  “Of course dear, that is exactly what you were doing,” Lilly teased.

  Izzy walked over to her mother, flung both arms loosely around her neck, planted a huge kiss on her right cheek and with much love in her heart, while heading to the bed, said, “Mother, the room is absolutely inviting and I love it. Thank-you for the hard work you put into keeping it. We are both very eager to retire.”

  “It looks as if you and Mr. Puss had no problem in taking up where you left off.”

  She circled around the bed to where Izzy lie, already wrapped under the covers, and just like the doting mother she was, began to tuck her firmly into place.

  “Mother, please stay for one of our talks,” said Izzy.

  “No dear, I am exhausted as I can see you are also. Unless you have plans to leave me sooner than agreed upon, we have plenty of time for talking. Now, you and your friend close your eyes, and dream sweet dreams. And if you need anything, you know where I am. Do you think you will feel like breakfast? I can wake you if so. Or, you can have the morning to sleep in, it is your choice.”

  Izzy thought a good moment while blankly scratching Puss behind the ears.

  “I am sure I will want breakfast, so whenever you get up will be fine.”

  With a final kiss on the forehead, Lilly said, “I will inform Mrs. Reddy and Elizabeth to let you sleep. I will see you in the morning then. I love you, little one.”

  Lilly then snuffed the gas lamp to the bed’s right, and in the room lit only by the glow of the fire, began making her way to the door. She stopped at the doorway. There in the silence, all she could hear was the crackling of the fire and the enormous purring of the friend who had not deserted the family like John had. Lilly brushed away a tear, and turned to go. As she pulled the door shut, her thought was, Now that I have my family back together, I am not going to let them go.

  Inside the darkened room, Izzy, lying in the nether world between wake and sleep, feeling Puss’s warmth beneath her fingers, began thinking of her family and of college, and how lucky she was to be able to get an education.

  She whispered, “Puss? Just think. In four months I will be the first woman in our family to have a college degree, and I cannot wait. I simply cannot wait!”

  With that last thought, she closed her exhausted but happy eyes into the most pleasant dreams she had in a long while. Little did she know, that the coming days would change her life forever, and only if she were lucky would she ever dream sweet dreams again.

  Across the hallway, behind her door, Lilly Audley lay alone in her own bed under a thread-bare quilt, with no firewood for heat, no gas for her lamps, and only her racking sobs for company.

  Chapter 3

  Isabella's Angst

  Isabella's Angst (Chapter Three)

  Gray dawn crept into Izzy’s peaceful room, gently disturbing its two fully intertwined inhabitants. Izzy lay still before opening her eyes, in that strange, ethereal world between reality and repose. It suddenly dawned on her that something was amiss. Why was there a warm lump beside her, and why were the dorms so quiet? Had there been a fire drill and they vacated the building without she being told, leaving her to die a horrible, fiery death?

  No, that could not be; she was not sure in what condition her undergarments were, and Mother would be so horrified if she were found lacking in propriety. The thought of it made her bolt upright in bed, scaring poor Mr. Puss, who had taken up permanent residence near her right thigh. At his own disturbance, the jingle of his collar made Izzy aware of his presence, pulling her back to reality.

  Finding herself safely in her own room with her “little man” planted firmly beside her, she reached for him to soothe his fear, cooing to him; more for her own benefit than his. Soon his purring gave her the “all clear” sign, and she laid gently back on her pillow, placing him squarely on her chest, which was also another favorite spot to nap. Petting him with joy, she thought to herself that there was definitely something to be said
for “Creature Comforts”.

  She took a moment to listen if Mother were up yet. Her query yielded only a serene silence, so she made a quick decision to return to her treasured slumber. A few more hours would not hurt anything, and it had been ages since she had to be awake for an eight o’clock class. Her mother did say she did not mind, so Izzy perceived no real harm. But not before she sneaked a quick peek at dawn’s blue serenity through the lace panels of her windows. Inching her way onto her elbows to even her face with the sill, her heart leapt at the sight of the freshly fallen snow. She marveled at how its blanket now appeared to dress the tiny town in its most superlative finery as easily as it wore its old money, which lent itself to the illusion that it be grand enough for the final act in a new play by Oscar Wilde.

  She so loved these little peeks during the wee hours, and delighted in the feeling of discovering a secret to which no one else was privy. She remembered as a young girl, being awakened gently by Father with delightful smells of scones and cocoa. He lavished Izzy with forbidden treats from the kitchen before Mrs. Audley arose, but she would always discover their comical secret, as Izzy was never able to wear the cocoa in any place but her upper lip.

  Happily, and with the memory safely tucked away, she and Mr. Puss, who was still in his place, eventually drifted back to their contented slumber.

  At eight o’clock when the sun put in a full appearance, it found Lilly Audley dressed and busying herself in her boudoir. Mrs. Reddy was already in the basement kitchen readying breakfast. Lilly was sitting in her most comfortable armchair near the desk, with a stern look on her face. Lately she found herself full of dread at having to pay the household wages. Mr. Audley loved to take care of their monetary affairs, since his job in politics lent itself to that fashion of mind in him in any event. So Lilly never minded relenting when he wanted to help.

  But, today was payday for the servants, and while not a difficult task in itself, it was always time consuming. Her idle hands did enjoy the engagement however, since it always proved an ingenious way to keep herself warm without feeling the full chill of emptiness within the house. Right after Mr. Audley’s death, she had entertained the idea once or twice of selling their beloved dwelling and finding something smaller and easier to manage. Even more so since they owned their country home of Demesne Hall as well. It was no secret that she was getting on in years, and she could not think of one earthly thing she would need with two dwellings, staffed with complete sets of servants. Since the land did not rightfully belong to Isabella as part of her dowry due to the Law of Primogeniture, and Lilly had no heir apparent or brothers left that had not been taken of consumption which would have given her an heir presumptive, she knew she must sell. She put them off as long as it would allow.