The Gaslight Journal

by Carla René

  Izzy was too exhausted to argue, and so the two women ate in silence, hoping to fortify not only their bodies, but their flagging spirits. However, Lilly was smart enough to know that a mere cup of tea and some flour was not going to be enough to fix the mess that they now called their lives. There was still so much Izzy did not know and needed to, but where would she begin? How do you tell your child that her suspicions about their situation were true? What exactly, were the words one used when telling them that the father they adored and worshiped, was nothing more than a cheating philanderer? Perhaps someone more versed than she would have the exact prescription of linguistics that would convey the gravity of a situation, whilst also sparing the unending pain to their soul. Perhaps Charles Dickens has done this a thousand times and I should contact him for counsel on what to say.

  “Mother? Did you hear me?” said Izzy.

  “I am sorry. I was off in my own thought. What did you say?”

  “I asked you if you were well?”

  “Um,” said Lilly. “I have a lot on my mind, is all.”

  “I know. And at the risk of us fighting again, I would like to get everything out in the open now. Mother, I need to hear everything, for my sanity’s sake.”

  Lilly knew Izzy was right, and instead of putting it off again, Lilly decided to be honest, and perhaps that avenue would help them both navigate this rocky path. “Isabella, I do not know, in earnest, where to begin.”

  “How about just let me ask you questions, and if you have a short answer, then so be it, but if it leads you to expound in more detail, then we both let it take us where it may. Does that sound fair?”

  Lilly thought this suggestion a wonderful idea, and could feel some of her burden beginning to lift. “Fine. What is your first question?”

  Izzy knew right away the one she wanted answered the most, and knew that for the first time, she could not be concerned with sparing her mother the pain of it. “Did you know Father was having an affair?”

  Lilly knew this would be the first question posed to her, and tried to prepare for it, but it was of no use: the question stung as if she were hearing it for the first time. “Yes, but I only found out after your father passed, much is the same manner you found out.”

  “You mean, through his journal?”

  “Exactly. I was clearing some of his old things from the study when I saw the journal in his desk drawer. When I thumbed through it, I must have disturbed the paper flap on the inside back cover, for the letter that you found also came tumbling out, the sealing wax broken. I just could not help my curiosity and so I read every searing word.”

  At this point, for the first time since learning the truth, Izzy felt her mother’s pain, and placed a comforting hand on Lilly’s arm. “Mother? What was your reaction?”

  The afternoon rays from the sun shone into the study windows and spilled onto the floor. Lilly enjoyed their warmth as she sat in John’s leather chair at his oak writing desk, going through some of his legal papers and a few personal items along the way. She could see why John loved to spend so much of his afternoons here, especially in the winter months. Sometimes in New York, the temperatures would dip to the single digits and no amount of fire in the grate would chase away the chill that filled the expansive rooms. The sun augmented their comfort quite well.

  She had been putting this task off since John had passed; she just did not feel as if she were emotionally ready to say good-bye to her cherished husband a second time by binning his personal effects. However, when she learned that there had been a problem in probating his will, she knew she needed to be well-educated as to the details of his estate, so she could fight it if necessary. This proved to be motivation enough to begin the arduous task. She became familiar with the many papers, and then decided whether they needed to be kept or tossed. Their family attorney had contacted her just the week before when she had asked him to look into why the inheritance had not yet been granted, and his answer was not a favorable one.

  “Mrs. Audley, I am afraid the news is not good.”

  “What do you mean? How difficult could it be to probate an uncontested will and distribute its inheritance?”

  “Well, ma’am, that is precisely the problem. The will is being contested.”

  Lilly felt the blood drain out of her face. “What? How can this be?”

  Now realizing that perhaps Mrs. Audley had not been privy to Mr. Audley’s activities, he softened and added some needed tact. “Mrs. Audley, I do not know how to break this news to you.”

  “Dear God, man, I am afraid for what you are about to say. What is it? Tell me!”

  “Fine. I am sure you are familiar with the law of Primogeniture, yes?”

  “Your point?”

  “This law states that if there is a male heir apparent, then no monies left by the decedent will be awarded to the living daughters.”

  Lilly could barely feel herself breathing. “Oh… my… God… .”

  “Mrs. Audley, I am sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but your husband had a son, and he and his mother are the ones contesting the will.”

  “Stop joking with me, I am not in the mood.”

  “I wish I were, Mrs. Audley, but this is too serious for that. Unfortunately, whatever monies Mr. Audley had left you with when he died, is all you will be receiving.”

  Lilly’s mind began to race. First, she was bewildered, then she was in denial, and finally, she was angry. Why? How? When? I… don’t… understand… betrayer… skunk… someone is lying… .

  She was able to gain control of herself for the next question. “I am sorry, but explain why we will not be receiving Mr. Audley’s inheritance? He set that aside specifically for us. How can the law protect us from receiving it?”

  “It is the law of Primogeniture, Mrs. Audley. That law states that if a living male heir is discovered anywhere during the time of probate, then the inheritance will be passed to the eldest son of the lineage and not the daughter.”

  “But is there nothing you can do to mend this mess? Mr. Audley was extremely ill with pneumonia when he passed, and he was not able to leave us much that did not automatically go toward paying his medical expenses and pharmacy bills… ” she said. Then the realization of the situation hit her, full force. “Oh my Lord, we are now destitute! My daughter is at Radcliffe. How will I ever be able to keep up with paying her tuition? And what of our servants? They need to be paid their wages!”

  Suddenly, the worst realization of all hit her, and she whispered, “How will I ever be able to keep this out of the papers? Soon, everyone that I know will learn of this and we will be cast out of society quicker than we were accepted.”

  The attorney could hear the desperation building in her voice, and tried to intercept. “Mrs. Audley, let us not get too much ahead of ourselves. There might be something we can do.”

  “Then do tell me before I have a nervous fit.”

  “Well, I have spoken to the boy and his mother briefly a few times recently, and they do seem like nice, benevolent people. They might entertain the notion of allowing you and your daughter a yearly stipend upon which to live. All we would need to do is send them a written request.”

  “You mean to tell me that I am to lower myself to the position of beggar and go to my husband’s mistress and ask her to take care of us like children? It will not be borne!” she screamed.

  “Now, now, take care, Mrs. Audley. It is not as bad as it might sound. It is actually done quite a lot when the decedent’s nephew is the only living male heir and the decedent has a household full of daughters to be provided for.”

  Lilly was beside herself with grief. “No, no sir, no I say.”

  “Allow me to ask you one question then.”

  “Yes?”

  “What else will you do?”

  This silenced the turmoil inside Lilly’s mind. The attorney had an excellent point. But before she could respond, he continued.

  “Mrs. Audley, there is something else.”
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  Lilly’s hands were now shaking and they were cold. “Oh, dear me. I do not believe my heart can take much more.”

  “It is regarding your houses. The heir and his mother have decided to keep the country house. Which will leave you and your daughter to reside in Capriolé, however, understand this: with the pittance he has left for you as sustenance, there will come a day when you will no longer be able to afford the town home, and chances are, it will be repossessed by the bank.”

  Lilly was silent.

  “I am very sorry, Mrs. Audley.”

  Lilly gathered her senses. “So? That is it, then? My future laid out for me like dirty linen on a clean table? Not only am I humiliated with the knowledge that my husband was unfaithful to me, but now I am to look forward to crawling on my knees to his mistress and her bastard child, and beg them to give us enough upon which to live so we are not thrown into the street like common vermin? And then, as if that were not enough, I get to sit in my lovely town home—the only thing I have left of my life with Mr. Audley, waiting for the day when I will eventually run out of money and watch as the bank sells off my life, one piece at a time? Please, correct me if I am in error, but is this what you are telling me I have to look forward to?”

  For the first time, the attorney was silent.

  “Yes, I feared as much,” said Lilly, her face now white as porcelain.

  The attorney only shook his head. “Mrs. Audley, I do not know what to say, except how sorry I am that this has befallen you. I will draft the letter to the woman and her son as soon as we are finished here, and then let you know the outcome. Do I have your permission to do so?”

  Suddenly, as if on cue, Lilly began to wobble back and forth in her chair. She could see the room spinning but could do nothing to alleviate its effects, and in one swift motion, she not only grabbed her chest near her heart, but fell to the floor, unconscious.

  Chapter 16

  Was It All A Dream?

  Was it All a Dream? (Chapter Sixteen)

  Three days later, Lilly awoke in a hospital bed surrounded by a doctor and several nurses. It was the doctor who spoke first.

  “Well. There you are. Welcome back. I was beginning to wonder if you were going to just snooze until Christmas.”

  Lilly, still bleary from the Laudanum they were giving her for pain, could not figure out why everyone in the room was chuckling. Had she missed something? Very hoarse from the medications, she could hear herself say she was hungry, but she was not even sure it was her doing the talking. She felt very disconnected from herself, and truly could not even remember what had happened or how she got there.

  “Being hungry is a good sign,” said her most handsome doctor. “But I would rather you wait a few more hours, to see if you can keep simple liquids down. Will you do that for me, please?”

  Lilly nodded.

  The doctor smiled at her, nodded to the nurses, and began to leave the room.

  Lilly stopped him. “Doctor Davis, will you tell me how I got here?”

  He swung back around to face her. “You mean you do not remember at all?”

  She shook her head. “Should I be concerned?”

  “Not at all. Sometimes with traumatic events, the person will block it out and not remember anything about it until their bodies are ready to remember, and then when it is time, the memory returns on its own.”

  “But will you tell me, doctor?”

  He hesitated. “Are you not sure that you want to just wait and remember when you are meant to?”

  “No, I am fairly certain I want to know now. Do you know what happened to me?”

  “Mrs. Audley, yes, I was informed when they brought you in, but as your doctor, I do not think it prudent to push the memory of such a traumatic event before you are physically and emotionally capable of handling it. You are a smart enough nurse to know that it was obviously some kind of trauma that put you here.”

  Lilly did know this much. But she was trying so hard to grasp that illusive shadow of something tragic, just out of her reach, and getting frustrated each time she was unable to see it.

  Dr. Davis saw her duress and said, “Mrs. Audley, trust me. You will remember when you are meant to. But right now, I need you not to push yourself and rest. Rest is the best thing for you. Let your body recover, all right?”

  Lilly nodded, and as the medical team left her room, one of the nurses, an old colleague of Lilly’s, stayed behind and brought Lilly a pitcher of cool water. “I want you to sip this very slowly, and let one of us know if you feel as if you are going to be ill. I will return in a bit to check on you. Rest.”

  Lilly was glad of the water to sip, but she could not quiet the growling of her empty stomach. Finally, after an hour of fighting sleep, she gave in to the medications and drifted off into a full range of strange shapes and shadows; images that were unrecognizable, plot-lines that were familiar, but too vague to distinguish.

  It was here that Lilly took a much-needed respite from her tale, but Izzy pleaded for her to continue.

  “Mother! You had a heart-attack? How in all that is Holy, could you not tell me something so huge?”

  Lilly saw her daughter’s vast stress levels, and attempted to calm her. “Sweetheart, was there anything that you could have done for me from New Haven?”

  “I would have left on the first train to be with you! But instead, you went through all of this alone! Oh, Mother, I am so sorry!” and Izzy began to cry again.

  Lilly put both arms around her daughter and held her, cooing to her softly. “Everything is well now, little one. I am fine.”

  Izzy looked at Lilly and searched her face for a hint of untruth, but could find none.

  “Dr. Davis said my heart is as healthy as the day I was born, and there are no worries.”

  Izzy was silent and took in the information as best she could without allowing it to emotionally overcome her. When she was ready, she asked her next question. “Mother? Do you know the woman and her son? Have you ever had contact with them?”

  “I am glad you asked that question. As a matter of fact… .”

  Three weeks after her departure from the hospital, Dr. Davis cleared her for release and to again begin dealing with the affairs of Mr. Audley’s estate. Once again, she met with her attorney to learn of the outcome regarding whether this woman and her son were going to be benevolent enough to allow she and Izzy a small piece of inheritance.

  The attorney was smiling when she entered his office. “Mrs. Audley, I have some good news. I have spoken with the woman and her son, and they have very graciously agreed to share the inheritance. The amount is not much, but it will be enough to at least keep your daughter in University, and for you to keep a few of your household staff. Unfortunately, it will not be enough to eventually ward off the sale of your town home, and for that I am deeply sorry, but at least this will buy you precious time until you decide what you will do.”

  While this was not what Lilly had wanted to hear, she did not feel the way she expected: she felt grateful to be having any help from these two interlopers at all. “I know this is an untoward question, but, do you think there is any way that I may be able to meet these people?”

  “It is funny that you ask, because she asked me the same thing. Apparently, she was unaware that your husband already had his own family.”

  Lilly had to admit she was feeling pain at this statement. She had always prided herself at being the light of John’s life, and to find out that he shared that light with another woman was a little too much to bear. But, she would bear it, because Izzy needed her to. She also realized that this stranger did not wantonly choose a family to destroy. Perhaps she even loved John? And what of the boy? What was he like? “Sir, can you tell me how old the child is now?”

  The attorney searched through some papers on his desk, then said, “He has just turned eighteen.”

  Lilly could feel the room beginning to spin again. This means that John began his affair at least six years after Isabella
was born! We were barely newly-weds. Oh, my… .

  “Mrs. Audley? Are you unwell?”

  She caught herself. “Yes, I apologize. Just my thoughts.”

  “I can probably guess what you are thinking, and I cannot tell you how much unimaginable pain you must be in. If there is anything else I might do… ”

  “No, I am fine, I assure you. Just a jolt to the sensibilities, that is all. May I ask one more question?”

  “Certainly.”

  “Where do these people reside?” she held her breath, hoping the answer would not be right here in Fairtown.

  “Connecticut, I believe.”

  Lilly let out her breath in relief. “I think I have decided I would like to definitely meet them.”

  The attorney thought for a moment. “That will be fine. In fact, I think they both would like to meet you and your daughter. Would you like for me to intercede upon your behalf and set up a neutral meeting place?”

  “Actually, that would be fine. But I do not want my daughter knowing about this yet. I must find just the right time to reveal everything. This has been a bit much to learn so shortly after her father’s passing, and right now, her mind clearly needs to be on her school work.”

  “Very well, then. Allow me ample time to be in contact with them and I will communicate with you as soon as it has been accomplished.”

  Lilly stood, smiled, shook the attorney’s hand, and then cried all the way home in her carriage.

  Isabella simply could not believe what she had been hearing. “Are you telling me that the attorney was successful and that you actually got to meet this woman and her son?”

  “That is exactly what I am saying, dearest.”

  Izzy said, “When? How? Where? I cannot believe what I am hearing… ”

  Tried as she might, Lilly was unable to control the nerves that had been rising during the morning. In order to keep her minimum sanity, she busied her hands, but that did not go very far in keeping a calm head. Several times she caught herself wishing she had never asked the attorney to grant such a ridiculous request. What on Earth would she possibly say to these two strangers, and how would she keep a calm head while doing so? She felt so much raw anger at John’s impropriety, that she could not see herself getting through this meeting without taking that anger out on the direct object of his adultery, and she knew that was not how she wanted this meeting to go.