Fifteen Sixteen Maids In The Kitchen: A Grasshopper Lawns whodunit

by EJ Lamprey

  ‘And what’s the link with Kkkitty Catt? I mean, him knowing she was a fake?’ Edge asked curiously, handing out cups and taking her own seat at the table. Diane shook her head.

  ‘No idea. At first I thought he had organized her himself. In fact, I thought she was a bit ridiculous. Secrecy is one thing, bringing in an overblown cougar like that is quite another.’ She looked from one puzzled face to the other. ‘Did you not organize the stunt? He definitely didn’t. He was completely taken aback, I know him well enough for that. I couldn’t understand why you would have brought in an actor, but then none of us had expected you to be setting up a murder mystery.’

  ‘He is Kkkitty Catt!’ Edge could have kicked herself, it was suddenly so obvious. Diane nodded miserably.

  Donald blinked, then rallied, picking his words with delicate care. ‘But if he didn’t bring her in, he’d have been pretty angry to find his alter ego being used. He didn’t say anything to any of us. Would he have spoken to her himself?’

  ‘I don’t think so.’ Diane drank deeply, and her eyes filled with tears over the rim of the cup. ‘But did I ever know him at all? To go off with a bitch like Zoe, although you think he didn’t – he’s a very secretive man. We’d been married two years before I even found about his Kkkitty Catt books, and then by mistake. They’re self-published, you know, not through a publisher, e-books only. He was using my computer because his was down, and one of the books came up in my browsing history. He must have been reading reviews or something. I started reading the preview and realized he was the writer. No writer can hide the way they put sentences together, not from someone who proofreads their output. It was unmistakable. We had our first real row about it. Not that he was doing it, I didn’t care about that, but that he had been hiding it from me. He’s a bit paranoid about people finding out. His real books are really good, you know, but they don’t sell anything like as well as the erotica.’

  She put down her drained cup and fixed her big dark eyes on Donald’s face, reaching out at the same time to lay her hand on Edge’s arm. ‘Please, please don’t say anything? He really is irrational about people finding out.’

  Both nodded obediently and she rose to her feet, waving Donald down as he started to get up. ‘No, stay, finish your hot drinks. The stairs are right next to the kitchen and now that I know about that bloody plant, I promise not to scream.’

  Donald hesitated. ‘If he’s waiting for you?’

  She squared her shoulders and gave the ghost of a smile. ‘Then I’ll shriek! But perhaps it is time we talked, so maybe I won’t. Edge, thanks for the hot chocolate, thanks both of you. Good night!’

  ‘It’s all very complicated,’ Edge grumbled when she had gone. ‘And I don’t think it lets him off the hook, do you?’

  ‘Well, no. If he felt that strongly about his secrecy, he’d have let the deception ride. If she told him she knew, and was going to expose him, that’s different. Not to deliberately kill, but to lash out in temper, sure.’ Donald cradled his cup, frowning. ‘Why was he trying to leave secretly through a side door in the middle of the night?’ The frown abruptly cleared and a grin tugged at the corners of his mouth. ‘He must have nearly had a heart attack when the floor dropped away!’

  Edge snorted into her cup, then started to laugh. ‘Trust me, not a good feeling! I’m still not remotely sleepy, dear heart, but Vivian’s right: if we don’t get to bed we’ll be zombies in the morning.’

  He got to his feet and held out his hand for her cup. ‘I’ll rinse these out, they can wait to be washed in the morning. I’ve never told you some of my exciting stories about life on tour. That should put you under in about three minutes flat.’

  ***

  She was still tired when she woke at nearly nine am to find Donald long gone, his side of the duvet cold, Odette curled neatly at the end of the bed. She rolled onto his pillow and stretched luxuriantly, then reluctantly got up to investigate their private bathroom more thoroughly. The shower was as unusual as Vivian had promised, but very invigorating, and she felt a lot better as she dressed.

  Her phone peeped quietly as she twisted her hair into a casual knot, announcing a message on Facebook. Back online, then. She put it into her handbag and made her way along to the kitchen, Odette’s nails clicking on the stone flag as she followed. Sunshine was streaming into the hall through the tall windows and most of the guests seemed to be there and talking animatedly, but she had the kitchen to herself as she helped herself to cereal. She opened the back door to let Odette out and stopped to study the floor plans before sitting down, smiling at the additions. Martha had found a boogeyman under her bed, Stuart had done a graphic little sketch of the body in his wardrobe, Grant had written cryptically ‘dropping light fitting!’, which sounded intriguing, and someone had noticed the eyes in the portraits and made a note. She knew Donald had found at least one special effect in every room except the one Drew and Kirsty were in, and wondered if the lists matched.

  She peered out the window as she rounded the table to take the seat she was beginning to think of as her own. Odette had darted off to catch up with Stuart and Vivian, walking the path along the hedge with Buster, who seemed to have accepted him after all. Edge, whose distant eyesight was good, frowned slightly as she saw Stuart take Vivian’s arm to guide her around a muddy patch. What was William thinking, to let that flirtation continue? A flash of moving colour distracted her and she craned her neck as two all-terrain police Land Rovers crunched up the driveway and drew to a halt. Kirsty had got through, then. She sat firmly at the table and addressed herself to her cereal, looking up slightly resentfully when the kitchen door opened. To her surprise the newcomer was Lorna Granger, looking a great deal better than when they last met.

  PART FOUR

  Lorna plays her part

  ‘Lorna! You’re the last person I expected! Coffee?’

  ‘Thank you, I’d love some.’ Lorna peered short-sightedly at her. ‘It’s Edge, isn’t it?’ She looked dubiously at the kitchen chairs, then chose William’s sturdy bench as suitable for her weight and sat down rather abruptly. ‘Bit of a shock to hear you had a murder here, and someone I know.’

  ‘Oh, I am sorry, that’s horrible, to lose a friend. I didn’t realize it had made it onto the news already.’

  ‘It hasn’t. And Jeanette wasnae a friend, really.’ She looked slightly shame-faced. ‘A rival, more like. She also used to date Alec. It’s a bit complicated, really.’

  Edge said nothing but looked interested as she poured fresh coffee for them both.

  After a brief hesitation, Lorna shrugged. ‘I suppose you think that’s odd, that he was dating someone else as well. I met him by mistake. I was lost, miles out of my way, and went to his place looking for directions. He’s got quite a big estate about ten miles from here. He gave me coffee and, well, one thing led to another. It was so nice to meet a man who noticed me! My husband is more interested in the telly than in me, and the kids had moved out, and I just felt there had to be more to life than I had. It’s easy for you. Once you’re older you dinnae mind stuff like that, but I’m only forty-two. Anyway. We fell in love, he’s mad about me. I knew he used to see her occasionally but that was over.’

  She drew a deep breath and peered again at Edge to reassure herself that her romantic adventure was being properly appreciated.

  ‘She found out about me somehow, sent me a message via Facebook, warning me he was looking for a rich wife. I dinnae have any money! He loves me for myself, but she wouldnae accept that at first. We talked a bit, exchanged stories, she told me things he said to her . . . well. She was jealous, and malicious. He loves me.’

  She gazed into space, her rather foolish face softened in memory, and Edge nudged gently. ‘Why are you here then, if you didn’t like her?’

  ‘Oh.’ Lorna came back to the present. ‘His phone’s been switched off since the accident. I’ve driven all the way to Burns Hall about five times, but he’s never there. I know we can sort things out, but I c
annae get hold of him. So last night Jeanette sent me a text saying she was here, and so was he. I had to come. I’d have come last night if I could but my husband’s being really difficult at the moment, I didnae dare. I’m not at all sorry she’s dead. She’s that sort of woman, you knew she’d get murdered some day.’

  Edge’s brows went up. ‘There’s no one here called Alec. Do you think she was playing a practical joke on you?’

  ‘That’s what the polis said, no-one called Alec. But why would she say it if he wasn’t? That’s crazy. She must have known when she didnae answer that I would come. Why do that?’

  ‘All our phones went out last night during the storm, hers was probably the last text before we lost the signal. She was here under a false name, you know, pretending to be someone else. I wonder if he was too?’ Edge frowned, trying to think it through. ‘Everyone here knows at least one person, she was the only total stranger. She certainly wouldn’t want you complicating that for her. It does sound a bit as if she was playing a rather malicious joke on you.’

  ‘Oh no.’ She stared earnestly into Edge’s face. ‘She said she’d tick him off properly about the way he had treated me. That was none of her business! I kept trying to phone back until midnight, I couldnae sleep all night. This morning I had to know what was going on, so I drove over. The police were cordoning off the road under the bridge, and said no-one could go in or out. Then one of them recognized me, he’d been here for the accident, and I told him Alec was here and they brought me up to the house with them. I thought that was very nice of them.’

  ‘Very nice.’ Edge managed to keep her voice absolutely neutral. ‘Did they ask you any questions about him?’

  ‘Not really. He asked if my Alec was a carer and I said no, a landowner, and he said for sure he wasnae here. I gave him my best smile and he went off to the man in charge, and came back and said they would bring me up to check after all. Alec always said I could get any man to do anything for me with my smile! When we got here I said I needed a bathroom, actually I still do, so the bloke in charge said I should ask you. I really just want to check my face,’ she added confidingly. ‘Do I look okay?’

  She widened her eyes at Edge who felt a little sorry for her and nodded, smiling. Lorna smirked complacently. ‘He always says I’m beautiful, no matter what I look like. He’s crazy about me, you know. Where do I find a bathroom?’

  ‘I’ll show you.’ Even as Edge stood up the outside door opened again. Vivian, Stuart and Buster entered and Lorna gave a little shriek of horror as the labrador made a friendly beeline for her. ‘Help! He’s going to bite me!’

  ‘Nonsense. Hello, Lorna, you’re a surprise?’ Vivian tapped Buster on the shoulder and the old dog fell back obediently. Lorna looked past her to peer at Stuart and smiled uncertainly, then turned her head sharply as Grant burst into the kitchen from the passageway.

  ‘There are Search & Rescue vehicles outside, what’s up? Hello!’ He saw Lorna and gave her a startled smile and she giggled coyly. He half-turned back towards the way he had come. ‘I’d better grab a jacket before I go out there. Is it freezing?’

  ‘Oh, no, it’s lovely,’ she told him earnestly and Edge snorted.

  ‘Not for Grant it isn’t. Yes, you’d need a jacket. If you’re going upstairs, will you show Lorna where the bathroom is on your way?’

  ‘Of course,’ he held the door wide gallantly and Stuart hurried after them. Aubrey, also heading to the stairs from the hall, checked abruptly and stood back to let them start up first, staring at the visitor, who hesitated as though to speak to him. He smiled at her uncertainly and Stuart tutted slightly impatiently from behind Grant. Lorna vanished up the stairs with her little coterie of attendants and the door sighed shut behind them, leaving Vivian and Edge alone in the kitchen.

  ‘How rude.’ Vivian was slightly ruffled. ‘I don’t think she even noticed me! I do find silly women who instantly fall over every man in sight thoroughly irritating.’

  ‘Plus she didn’t like Buster,’ Edge teased. ‘Don’t be offended, she’s as blind as a bat and you have no idea how silly she is. That Alec of hers is here – unless the Catt was doing a complete wind-up – and she’s come beetling through to see him. I don’t think it has occurred to her for one second that if he is, he might have murdered her rival. All she could think was that she has finally tracked him down.’

  ‘You’re not making any sense at all,’ Vivian said severely and Edge laughed and started again. She’d just finished telling Vivian everything she had learned from Lorna when the passage door opened again to admit a familiar figure.

  Alec

  Doors closed but he waited in the recessed doorway, heart hammering, until the upstairs passageway was deserted. What the hell was Lorna doing here? By grace of God and her myopia, she hadn’t greeted him by name, but there was no way he could trust her to keep her silence. He swallowed and peered cautiously over the balustrade to check no-one was in the hall below. Clear. He trod softly to the bathroom door, reached cautiously for the switch hidden under Donald’s concealing wall plant, and tapped lightly.

  ‘Darling? Will you let me in?’

  Lorna opened the door instantly and he flipped the switch, slipped through the door, shut it behind him and enfolded her in his arms. ‘You’re okay! And you’ve forgiven me, you came here to see me!’

  ‘Of course I did.’ She hugged him fiercely. ‘I love you.’

  ‘You angel. I thought you’d never forgive me, never speak to me again. I was a broken man.’ He kissed her lingeringly and she clung to him, the tears in her pale blue eyes spilling down her cheeks as her mascara ran.

  ‘Panda,’ he teased, catching a blackened tear on one finger, then kissed it and she gulped a sobbing laugh. ‘Wash your face, darling, then I’ll check the coast is clear and smuggle you to my room.’

  ‘Aye, that’ll be better.’ She released him reluctantly, turned and had taken two steps when the floor dropped smoothly away.

  Even though he’d been hoping the old mechanism would still work, he gasped more loudly than she did: one minute she was there, the next vanishing down the slide. He stepped cautiously forward to peer down the chute, and closed his eyes for an agonised moment. He hated this sort of thing, but he would have to follow her down before she got her breath back and started screaming, or forced her way out into the garden. He locked the bathroom door, crouched down to sit on the edge of the slide, closed his eyes again, and pushed himself forward.

  There was a moment of complete vertigo, then a dizzying rush of speed. The next moment he was launched briefly into the air, then landed upright, staggering, behind a vastly overgrown bank of hydrangeas. She seized his arm, her nails digging in painfully, her voice shrill.

  ‘Alec, I hate this house, I hate it!’

  ‘Yes, yes. Keep your voice down, darling.’ He took his face between her hands, then with a half-frightened, half-regretful look, slid them down to her throat. ‘I’m so sorry. I really am.’

  ‘Sorry about what? And dinnae squeeze so hard, Alec, I cannae – breathe. Oh!’

  Realization dawned in her face, and he held her gaze and tightened his grip until he felt delicate bone giving way under his fingers. Her bulging eyes glazed and she sagged between his hands. It was so quick – nearly as quick as Jeanette. His vision blurred as tears pricked his eyes. The woman he had almost loved, and the woman who loved him, both dead through their own stupidity. Life was so unfair!

  ***

  ‘Iain McLuskie!’ Edge exclaimed, delighted at the sight of their favourite detective inspector. ‘Heavens, you cover a lot of ground!’

  He grinned at them both. ‘Not my usual stamping ground, but I couldnae resist when I heard my favourite sleuths had got themselves into the middle of another adventure. I was looking for you to ask if you would go to the main hall? Everyone, not just Missus Granger.’ He glanced round enquiringly. ‘Where is she? William met us outside and said you were in the kitchen, I told her to join you.’

&nbs
p; ‘She did, but she’s upstairs fixing her face. What’s afoot?’

  He frowned. ‘I told her not to leave you under any circumstances. Even to ask you to stand outside the bathroom door, I knew you wouldnae mind. Did she not say that?’

  ‘No.’ Edge widened her eyes. ‘Do you believe in Alec, then?’

  He lifted his shoulders. ‘Worth double-checking none of the male guests was Alec, put it that way. Far too good a chance to miss if he was, because if he’s that dodgy carer William’s uncle had, he would ken the secrets of the house. She said her Alec is a landowner, not a carer, but then if he’s here under another name, what’s one more deception? I didnae want to scare her, but neither did I want her taking any stupid chances. We’d better find her. Where’s the bathroom?’

  ‘I’ll go hurry her up.’ Edge slipped away and trotted up the stairs to tap on the bathroom door. No reply, and when she tried the handle the door opened. The bathroom was empty, a couple of garishly-coloured towels draped on the towel rails and two razors on the window-ledge reminding her this was the bathroom being used by the male guests. Grant wouldn’t surely have felt Lorna couldn’t use the men’s bathroom? She sped along to the other bathroom in case, ignoring the attempts of the triffid to socialize. It was also empty. She was frowning as she hurried back down to the kitchen to report back.

  Iain’s face went completely expressionless and he nodded, unhooked his Airwave, and spoke into it, his voice quick and low.